Speechless
Title: Speechless
Characters: Dean/Castiel pre-slash
Rating: PG for gratuitous angst
Spoilers: For episode 5x18
Summary: Missing scene/episode tag. Takes place during 5x18. Cas waxes philosophical about his relationship with Dean. 580 words.
Excerpt: It would be nice to think that Castiel had been passive in all of this. That, cut off from the bright, guiding light of Heaven, he'd begun to spiral mindlessly into the guttering candle flame of Dean's idealism.
It's with a strange mixture of disbelief and resignation that Castiel walks silently into a situation that will most likely mean the end of him. He's not afraid. He's not anything, really. A sort of stunned exhaustion has taken the place of all the bitter anger and despair of the last few days. Castiel is simple action now, the hammer Dean once accused him of being. He does not act because he wants to. He does not act because he sees the necessity of it. Castiel acts because there's nothing else.
When he admits to his lost faith, the absolute lack of reaction on Dean's part leaves a heavy feeling in Castiel's chest, a twisting, icy grip on the lungs of his vessel. Castiel looks at the man who he thought had become the embodiment of his damnation and can't help but remember how he'd hoped Dean would somehow manage to become his salvation as well. Both designations are unfair. It would be nice to think that Castiel had been passive in all of this. That, cut off from the bright, guiding light of Heaven, he'd begun to spiral mindlessly into the guttering candle flame of Dean's idealism.
But if there's one thing Dean has taught Castiel, it's that Castiel has no one to blame but himself. There's a twisted sense of freedom in that. That even if he's about to be destroyed, at least it's a destruction of his own making.
The truth is Castiel does not have, and never had, any real power when it came to the life of Dean Winchester. For Castiel to have any power over Dean, Dean would have had to grant that power in the first place. Dean has been much more careful than that. Castiel is only worth something to Dean for as long as he remains useful. Dean is not oblivious to what Castiel has sacrificed in his name, but he cannot afford to accept the enormity of it. Castiel has no idea how Dean manages to compartmentalize his emotions so skillfully when every day that Castiel has left that gate open the sharpness of feeling has steadily risen to the point that he is being drowned in it.
So Sam will fail, and Dean will go to Michael, and hopefully, Castiel will not be around to witness any of it. There are worse things. He remembers the names of his brothers he has killed this week, the betrayal in their eyes as his blade had torn grace from flesh. He remembers the callousness in Joshua's message from God, the numbness that took over where once there had been righteousness and purpose. He imagines the tortured screams of all the pathetic human souls doomed to languish in the flames, perhaps later to be raised up to Heaven. A consolation prize as if their pain was meaningless.
Castiel has come to know that the peace offered by Heaven does not unmake the scars of the Pit.
"Goodbye, Dean," Castiel says, sliding the door to the warehouse open with a clatter and stepping inside. Dean does not answer him.
Castiel remains the witness as much as he ever was. For these last few moments, he will remember. He will be grateful and yet regret. He will fight without hope. He will love without requital.
And at the end of everything, he will fall.
A/N: So, liek, this was totally inspired by the Lady Gaga song of the same name. Check it out, it's awesome:
Characters: Dean/Castiel pre-slash
Rating: PG for gratuitous angst
Spoilers: For episode 5x18
Summary: Missing scene/episode tag. Takes place during 5x18. Cas waxes philosophical about his relationship with Dean. 580 words.
Excerpt: It would be nice to think that Castiel had been passive in all of this. That, cut off from the bright, guiding light of Heaven, he'd begun to spiral mindlessly into the guttering candle flame of Dean's idealism.
It's with a strange mixture of disbelief and resignation that Castiel walks silently into a situation that will most likely mean the end of him. He's not afraid. He's not anything, really. A sort of stunned exhaustion has taken the place of all the bitter anger and despair of the last few days. Castiel is simple action now, the hammer Dean once accused him of being. He does not act because he wants to. He does not act because he sees the necessity of it. Castiel acts because there's nothing else.
When he admits to his lost faith, the absolute lack of reaction on Dean's part leaves a heavy feeling in Castiel's chest, a twisting, icy grip on the lungs of his vessel. Castiel looks at the man who he thought had become the embodiment of his damnation and can't help but remember how he'd hoped Dean would somehow manage to become his salvation as well. Both designations are unfair. It would be nice to think that Castiel had been passive in all of this. That, cut off from the bright, guiding light of Heaven, he'd begun to spiral mindlessly into the guttering candle flame of Dean's idealism.
But if there's one thing Dean has taught Castiel, it's that Castiel has no one to blame but himself. There's a twisted sense of freedom in that. That even if he's about to be destroyed, at least it's a destruction of his own making.
The truth is Castiel does not have, and never had, any real power when it came to the life of Dean Winchester. For Castiel to have any power over Dean, Dean would have had to grant that power in the first place. Dean has been much more careful than that. Castiel is only worth something to Dean for as long as he remains useful. Dean is not oblivious to what Castiel has sacrificed in his name, but he cannot afford to accept the enormity of it. Castiel has no idea how Dean manages to compartmentalize his emotions so skillfully when every day that Castiel has left that gate open the sharpness of feeling has steadily risen to the point that he is being drowned in it.
So Sam will fail, and Dean will go to Michael, and hopefully, Castiel will not be around to witness any of it. There are worse things. He remembers the names of his brothers he has killed this week, the betrayal in their eyes as his blade had torn grace from flesh. He remembers the callousness in Joshua's message from God, the numbness that took over where once there had been righteousness and purpose. He imagines the tortured screams of all the pathetic human souls doomed to languish in the flames, perhaps later to be raised up to Heaven. A consolation prize as if their pain was meaningless.
Castiel has come to know that the peace offered by Heaven does not unmake the scars of the Pit.
"Goodbye, Dean," Castiel says, sliding the door to the warehouse open with a clatter and stepping inside. Dean does not answer him.
Castiel remains the witness as much as he ever was. For these last few moments, he will remember. He will be grateful and yet regret. He will fight without hope. He will love without requital.
And at the end of everything, he will fall.
A/N: So, liek, this was totally inspired by the Lady Gaga song of the same name. Check it out, it's awesome:
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