Realization Chapter 6
Yunho’s face broke out in a wide smile, “Dang Boojae, you went all out with the preparations.”
Jaejoong smiled a little, “Come sit down.”
Yunho did as he was told and sat in the chair across from Jaejoong. He looked around at the candles and the atmosphere of the room and joked, “Ha, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you were inviting a girl over here.” He paused, “Where are the others though? It’s almost midnight.”
“They’re not coming.”
It was then that Yunho realized there was something a little different about Jaejoong today. He seemed really subdued and perhaps even a little nervous. Maybe it’s just the lighting, Yunho thought to himself.
Jaejoong took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. Yunho wasn’t saying anything either. Jaejoong cleared his throat, “Well, I actually had something to tell you today.”
Yunho glanced at him and picked up his glass of water nonchalantly, “Yeah?”
Jaejoong nodded, “Yeah.” He took another deep breath and stared Yunho in the eye, “Actually, for the past few months…I realized…I really like you Yunho.”
Yunho put down his glass of water while Jae looked at him expectantly. Jae couldn’t quite read the expression on Yunho’s face but he thought he saw Yunho stiffen.
“You shouldn’t joke about things like that,” Yunho’s voice sounded unnatural and rigid.
Jaejoong shook his head furiously, “No, Yunho. Listen to me. I’m serious when I say I like you….I might even love you. I know it’s a lot for you to take in right now but I just wanted to let you know…” Jaejoong’s voice sounded desperate, even to his own ears.
Yunho sighed, avoiding Jaejoong’s eyes. His voice came out in deep rumble, “So…what now? What do you want me to say?”
Jaejoong was a little taken aback by Yunho’s response. It’s not that he expected a love confession in return. But this…this wasn’t what he wanted.
Jaejoong’s voice shook a little, “I-I don’t know…I just thought maybe…You could understand how I feel, that you-”
“Could return your feelings?” Yunho’s words cut him off abruptly. “And what made you think that?”
Is that a rhetorical question? Jaejoong wondered briefly but then hurried to answer Yunho the best he could. “It’s not that I thought you liked me too…per say. But that your heart would be open…open to this idea of liking me…”
Yunho didn’t say anything and Jaejoong went on, “And you were so good to me all those times so I was really grateful and I thought … I know this is ridiculous, but I thought maybe you were acting that way out of love. Even if you didn’t realize it…”
Yunho seemed to really be considering what he was saying. Maybe I’m making some headway, Jaejoong thought.
Jaejoong laughed a little embarrassedly, “This is all so crazy right? I know it’s sudden but maybe if we take it slow we can-”
“No.” Yunho’s voice was dangerously low, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Jaejoong’s eyes widened.
Yunho stood up from the table and looked down at Jaejoong ominously, “First of all, I’m not gay. That’s fucking disgusting.”
Jaejoong’s hands started to shake tremulously. He had never heard Yunho say so many curse words in one setting, not even when he was really mad. Jaejoong clutched his hands together tightly.
“And second, I’ve never even once thought of you as more than a friend. Are you kidding me? Are you trying to convince me that ‘Yunjae’ is real?? Snap out of your fucking fantasy Jaejoong.”
Jaejoong bit his lip. He almost let out a cry of pain. His heart was throbbing as if it was being stabbed with needles. Isn’t this too harsh Yunho?? I didn’t even want acceptance…just acknowledgement.
“Earth to Jaejoong.” Jaejoong remembered Yunho saying the same words to him a long time ago but in a completely different tone. “This is reality Jae. In real life there is no Yunjae. To tell you the truth, every time I had to pretend to be gay with you in front of thousands of perverted fangirls, I felt like I was going to puke. In my head, I was killing ‘Yunjae’ over and over every time we had to play out that disgusting charade.”
Jaejoong couldn’t help it. He let out a sob, his whole body trembling. He quickly covered his mouth with his hands.
“But I endured it. I didn’t let it show that I found it so revolting. You know why? Because it made the fans happy. Even though it made me sick to my stomach, those girls lapped it right up. And then there was you. Surely Jaejoong doesn’t like this stuff either, is what I told myself. We’re suffering together and later when our group is more popular, we don’t have to do this kind of shit.”
Jaejoong didn’t want to listen anymore. He couldn’t listen anymore…
“And what? Now you’re telling me you want to make ‘Yunjae’ a reality? That you’ve been secretly enjoying it all this time? Don’t you think that’s a little selfish of you??? Do you realize the words that are coming out of your mouth Kim Jaejoong???!!!” Yunho’s voice roared with unrelenting anger.
“You’re fucking crazy!” Yunho brought his fist down onto the table, making Jaejoong jump.
There was a brief stretch of silence before Yunho broke it again.
“Are you stressed these days Jae…” This time Yunho’s voice came out as more of a plea.
Jaejoong could only shake his head slowly, the tears streaming down his face.
Yunho closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair, irritated.
“Take it back. We can say nothing ever happened here. I’ll forget that you said any of that. Just take it back.”
Jaejoong was silent. Why couldn’t he stop crying??
Yunho sighed deeply and walked over to where Jaejoong was. Bending down he lowered himself to eye level with Jaejoong. He took Jaejoong’s shoulders firmly, “Jae, I don’t think you really mean any of this. I know that being so busy all the time can really get to your head. And maybe I’ve acted in ways that have confused you. But this isn’t right, Jae.” He added, “Yunjae…none of that is real.”
Jaejoong managed to stop crying enough to speak his mind. Even though Yunho kept denying it, he wanted to confirm for him just one thing, “No matter what you say…I know what I feel is real. I love you Yunho. I love you so much it hurts.”
Yunho immediately let go of Jaejoong’s shoulders and turned around in frustration. “You’re fucking crazy,” he said once more, this time in a low mutter.
“So is that what all this crap was for??” Yunho pointed towards all of Jaejoong’s hard work on the table, “You think I’ll say ‘Yes Jaejoong, I love you too’ and ask you to go out with me??!!”
Jaejoong couldn’t say anything in return. After his rejected confession of love it felt like his lips were sealed together, no longer able to move.
“Well you’re wrong. I don’t need a fucking cake or any of this.” Yunho made a sweeping motion with his arm and the different plates on the table fell to the floor with an ear-splitting crash.
Jaejoong cringed and covered his ears with his hands. But he couldn’t block Yunho’s words that seemed to pierce his heart.
“And most of all, I don’t need your fucking love. It sickens me.”
With that Yunho turned and stalked out of the kitchen. He opened the front door and closed it behind him with a bang.
Jaejoong sat alone at the kitchen table. He looked down at the floor strewn with the untouched food he had prepared for so long…and his lovely cake, all gone to ruins.
***
It was a miserable Christmas morning. Junsu and Changmin had left to spend Christmas with their families and Yunho still hadn’t come back since he left the house after fighting with Jae. Yoochun’s family was in America so he stayed at home and Jaejoong wasn’t in the mood to go see his family. Jae thought back to his eight sisters who always babied him and tugged at his cheeks. He shivered; he would probably go insane if he had to deal with that today.
Jae approached a really haggard looking Yoochun who was sitting on the living room sofa doing nothing, with a facial expression that nearly equaled Jae’s own. Jaejoong plopped down next to him and looked at him worriedly. Yoochun looked like he hadn’t slept at all. Maybe he’s just hungover, Jae thought to himself..
“How come you didn’t go with Junsu to see his family this year? I thought it was like best friend tradition,” Jaejoong teased Yoochun lightly. It was weird for Yoochun to decline any offers from Junsu to visit Junsu’s family. Junsu’s kind mother treated Yoochun like another son.
Yoochun merely shrugged and he wouldn’t look at Jaejoong.
Jae frowned but tried to initiate conversation again. “So what did you guys end up doing last night?” Jae had never had the chance to ask considering all the things that had gone on in the past 12 hours. “You guys were out for a long time.” Jae thought back to the early hours of the morning after Yunho left, when he sat at the kitchen table alone in an empty house. He had sent a text to Yoochun telling him the plan was a fail but he had gotten no reply.
Yoochun didn’t answer. In fact, he turned his back to Jaejoong as if he hadn’t heard him at all.
Jaejoong knew there was something wrong. He had never seen Yoochun look so dejected before. “Did something happen last night?” Jaejoong inquired hesitantly.
After there was no response again, Jaejoong shook Yoochun’s shoulder lightly. “Chun, what’s wrong??”
Yoochun finally turned his head and looked at Jae with eyes full of resentment and hurt. “Yeah, something fucking happened last night, okay?”
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A/N lots of drama huh?? Aw i'm sorry Jaejoong!! but heartbreak is only temporary :P And what's Yoochun's deal?? kkkk
Comments are appreciated!!
Jaejoong smiled a little, “Come sit down.”
Yunho did as he was told and sat in the chair across from Jaejoong. He looked around at the candles and the atmosphere of the room and joked, “Ha, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you were inviting a girl over here.” He paused, “Where are the others though? It’s almost midnight.”
“They’re not coming.”
It was then that Yunho realized there was something a little different about Jaejoong today. He seemed really subdued and perhaps even a little nervous. Maybe it’s just the lighting, Yunho thought to himself.
Jaejoong took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. Yunho wasn’t saying anything either. Jaejoong cleared his throat, “Well, I actually had something to tell you today.”
Yunho glanced at him and picked up his glass of water nonchalantly, “Yeah?”
Jaejoong nodded, “Yeah.” He took another deep breath and stared Yunho in the eye, “Actually, for the past few months…I realized…I really like you Yunho.”
Yunho put down his glass of water while Jae looked at him expectantly. Jae couldn’t quite read the expression on Yunho’s face but he thought he saw Yunho stiffen.
“You shouldn’t joke about things like that,” Yunho’s voice sounded unnatural and rigid.
Jaejoong shook his head furiously, “No, Yunho. Listen to me. I’m serious when I say I like you….I might even love you. I know it’s a lot for you to take in right now but I just wanted to let you know…” Jaejoong’s voice sounded desperate, even to his own ears.
Yunho sighed, avoiding Jaejoong’s eyes. His voice came out in deep rumble, “So…what now? What do you want me to say?”
Jaejoong was a little taken aback by Yunho’s response. It’s not that he expected a love confession in return. But this…this wasn’t what he wanted.
Jaejoong’s voice shook a little, “I-I don’t know…I just thought maybe…You could understand how I feel, that you-”
“Could return your feelings?” Yunho’s words cut him off abruptly. “And what made you think that?”
Is that a rhetorical question? Jaejoong wondered briefly but then hurried to answer Yunho the best he could. “It’s not that I thought you liked me too…per say. But that your heart would be open…open to this idea of liking me…”
Yunho didn’t say anything and Jaejoong went on, “And you were so good to me all those times so I was really grateful and I thought … I know this is ridiculous, but I thought maybe you were acting that way out of love. Even if you didn’t realize it…”
Yunho seemed to really be considering what he was saying. Maybe I’m making some headway, Jaejoong thought.
Jaejoong laughed a little embarrassedly, “This is all so crazy right? I know it’s sudden but maybe if we take it slow we can-”
“No.” Yunho’s voice was dangerously low, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Jaejoong’s eyes widened.
Yunho stood up from the table and looked down at Jaejoong ominously, “First of all, I’m not gay. That’s fucking disgusting.”
Jaejoong’s hands started to shake tremulously. He had never heard Yunho say so many curse words in one setting, not even when he was really mad. Jaejoong clutched his hands together tightly.
“And second, I’ve never even once thought of you as more than a friend. Are you kidding me? Are you trying to convince me that ‘Yunjae’ is real?? Snap out of your fucking fantasy Jaejoong.”
Jaejoong bit his lip. He almost let out a cry of pain. His heart was throbbing as if it was being stabbed with needles. Isn’t this too harsh Yunho?? I didn’t even want acceptance…just acknowledgement.
“Earth to Jaejoong.” Jaejoong remembered Yunho saying the same words to him a long time ago but in a completely different tone. “This is reality Jae. In real life there is no Yunjae. To tell you the truth, every time I had to pretend to be gay with you in front of thousands of perverted fangirls, I felt like I was going to puke. In my head, I was killing ‘Yunjae’ over and over every time we had to play out that disgusting charade.”
Jaejoong couldn’t help it. He let out a sob, his whole body trembling. He quickly covered his mouth with his hands.
“But I endured it. I didn’t let it show that I found it so revolting. You know why? Because it made the fans happy. Even though it made me sick to my stomach, those girls lapped it right up. And then there was you. Surely Jaejoong doesn’t like this stuff either, is what I told myself. We’re suffering together and later when our group is more popular, we don’t have to do this kind of shit.”
Jaejoong didn’t want to listen anymore. He couldn’t listen anymore…
“And what? Now you’re telling me you want to make ‘Yunjae’ a reality? That you’ve been secretly enjoying it all this time? Don’t you think that’s a little selfish of you??? Do you realize the words that are coming out of your mouth Kim Jaejoong???!!!” Yunho’s voice roared with unrelenting anger.
“You’re fucking crazy!” Yunho brought his fist down onto the table, making Jaejoong jump.
There was a brief stretch of silence before Yunho broke it again.
“Are you stressed these days Jae…” This time Yunho’s voice came out as more of a plea.
Jaejoong could only shake his head slowly, the tears streaming down his face.
Yunho closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair, irritated.
“Take it back. We can say nothing ever happened here. I’ll forget that you said any of that. Just take it back.”
Jaejoong was silent. Why couldn’t he stop crying??
Yunho sighed deeply and walked over to where Jaejoong was. Bending down he lowered himself to eye level with Jaejoong. He took Jaejoong’s shoulders firmly, “Jae, I don’t think you really mean any of this. I know that being so busy all the time can really get to your head. And maybe I’ve acted in ways that have confused you. But this isn’t right, Jae.” He added, “Yunjae…none of that is real.”
Jaejoong managed to stop crying enough to speak his mind. Even though Yunho kept denying it, he wanted to confirm for him just one thing, “No matter what you say…I know what I feel is real. I love you Yunho. I love you so much it hurts.”
Yunho immediately let go of Jaejoong’s shoulders and turned around in frustration. “You’re fucking crazy,” he said once more, this time in a low mutter.
“So is that what all this crap was for??” Yunho pointed towards all of Jaejoong’s hard work on the table, “You think I’ll say ‘Yes Jaejoong, I love you too’ and ask you to go out with me??!!”
Jaejoong couldn’t say anything in return. After his rejected confession of love it felt like his lips were sealed together, no longer able to move.
“Well you’re wrong. I don’t need a fucking cake or any of this.” Yunho made a sweeping motion with his arm and the different plates on the table fell to the floor with an ear-splitting crash.
Jaejoong cringed and covered his ears with his hands. But he couldn’t block Yunho’s words that seemed to pierce his heart.
“And most of all, I don’t need your fucking love. It sickens me.”
With that Yunho turned and stalked out of the kitchen. He opened the front door and closed it behind him with a bang.
Jaejoong sat alone at the kitchen table. He looked down at the floor strewn with the untouched food he had prepared for so long…and his lovely cake, all gone to ruins.
***
It was a miserable Christmas morning. Junsu and Changmin had left to spend Christmas with their families and Yunho still hadn’t come back since he left the house after fighting with Jae. Yoochun’s family was in America so he stayed at home and Jaejoong wasn’t in the mood to go see his family. Jae thought back to his eight sisters who always babied him and tugged at his cheeks. He shivered; he would probably go insane if he had to deal with that today.
Jae approached a really haggard looking Yoochun who was sitting on the living room sofa doing nothing, with a facial expression that nearly equaled Jae’s own. Jaejoong plopped down next to him and looked at him worriedly. Yoochun looked like he hadn’t slept at all. Maybe he’s just hungover, Jae thought to himself..
“How come you didn’t go with Junsu to see his family this year? I thought it was like best friend tradition,” Jaejoong teased Yoochun lightly. It was weird for Yoochun to decline any offers from Junsu to visit Junsu’s family. Junsu’s kind mother treated Yoochun like another son.
Yoochun merely shrugged and he wouldn’t look at Jaejoong.
Jae frowned but tried to initiate conversation again. “So what did you guys end up doing last night?” Jae had never had the chance to ask considering all the things that had gone on in the past 12 hours. “You guys were out for a long time.” Jae thought back to the early hours of the morning after Yunho left, when he sat at the kitchen table alone in an empty house. He had sent a text to Yoochun telling him the plan was a fail but he had gotten no reply.
Yoochun didn’t answer. In fact, he turned his back to Jaejoong as if he hadn’t heard him at all.
Jaejoong knew there was something wrong. He had never seen Yoochun look so dejected before. “Did something happen last night?” Jaejoong inquired hesitantly.
After there was no response again, Jaejoong shook Yoochun’s shoulder lightly. “Chun, what’s wrong??”
Yoochun finally turned his head and looked at Jae with eyes full of resentment and hurt. “Yeah, something fucking happened last night, okay?”
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A/N lots of drama huh?? Aw i'm sorry Jaejoong!! but heartbreak is only temporary :P And what's Yoochun's deal?? kkkk
Comments are appreciated!!