Hooray, a game update!
You are in AISLE TWO of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE THREE. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BOX OF CONDOMS, a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, a BOOK OF BABY NAMES, and various RANDOM FLYING OBJECTS. A VICIOUS DOG is rushing at you from the WEST of AISLE TWO.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a SLEEVE that is currently choking you, and a CUP OF HOT COFFEE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
>catch DOG in OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAG
You only have a precious few moments before the DOG reaches you and rends you limb from limb.
Clutching the struggling CUP OF HOT COFFEE in one hand, you attempt to pry open the PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS with the other. Unfortunately, this other hand is the one that's recently been mangled by the DOG, and you're mostly just leaving blood smears all over the PACKAGE.
Desperate, you tear at the PACKAGE with your teeth (of which you are missing two from the HEEL OF BREAD incident), a task that is made extremely difficult due to the fact that your SLEEVE is now choking you so hard that you only have limited control of some of your jaw muscles. As if to add insult to injury, you're being continuously pelted by random flying objects. It's almost as though you're being targeted.
The DOG has nearly reached you. Beyond its sharp, deadly looking teeth, you can see the cavernous abyss of its maw, growing horrifyingly closer... closer.
Whimpering, you manage to barely tear open the PACKAGE and peel out a GARBAGE BAG with your teeth. In your panic, you slosh some of the COFFEE on your one remaining good hand. You register the pain, but try to ignore it.
You sidestep, and unfurl the GARBAGE BAG. It billows out like a toreador's cape. You shake it open, fighting the static cling.
And the DOG dives right in.
>pour COFFEE into OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAG containing DOG
Although most of the COFFEE is burning through the skin of your hand, you dump the remnants into the OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAG.
You hurriedly try to close the GARBAGE BAG up, but have trouble figuring out the EASY-AS-PIE TIE. Frustrated, you just bunch up the plastic near the opening and tie it closed multiple times.
Whew!
Wait a moment. The BAG feels peculiarly light. And you smell a burning odor coming from your feet.
Glancing down, you notice that there is a hole torn through the bottom of the GARBAGE BAG, as though a frenzied animal chewed right through it. Goddamn shoddy workmanship! These BULKY HAPPY GARBAGE BAGS are advertised as being heavy-duty, and supposedly capable of choking young human children to death. Yet they couldn't even contain a single vicious, demonic DOG from the pits of hell.
You quickly move your feet to prevent the COFFEE dripping from the BAG from burning entirely through your shoes.
You look around warily, trying to spot where the DOG has gone, but it appears to have run off. Trying to avoid the still-flying objects, you try to peek your head over AISLE TWO to see where the DOG went. You don't see the DOG anywhere. But that might be because you suddenly have a face full of flying bat. The wooden kind.
You collapse back down into AISLE TWO. The Louisville Poker clatters to the ground beside you. You spit out another TOOTH. It hit you right in the STUBSTACHE, almost as if it were aiming for it.
>use ALL PURPOSE CANCELLATION SPELL
You decide that you need to put an end to this substitutiary locomotion nonsense. You're not sure why, but the random flying objects appear to have a vendetta against you.
The one drawback, of course, is that you don't know of any ALL PURPOSE CANCELLATION SPELLS.
You start flipping through the COOKBOOK just in case someone has hidden another spell in there. It would be incredibly convenient if this were the case. No such luck.
You grab the BOOK OF BABY NAMES and flip it open, just in case there's a spell hidden in there.
"Aaron! Abbott! Abdullah!" You shout. It does nothing. You duck as several SOUP CANS fly overhead.
"Abel! Abelard! Abner! Abraham!" You dodge out of the way as a CHAIR crashes right where you'd been kneeling with the BOOK OF BABY NAMES. Splinters fly everywhere.
"Absalom! Ace! Acton! Adair!" You flatten yourself on the ground as a CASH REGISTER, spilling CHANGE, bursts through the shelf in front of you. It tears through the shelf behind you and continues on its way. You hear it crash into a wall with a muted ka-ching sound.
"Adam! Addison! Adlai! Adolph!" The flying objects suddenly frenzy and begin bombarding you. You curl up into a ball and try to cover your face. You kick the BOOK OF BABY NAMES away from you. It appears to just be making it worse.
When the frenzied bombardment dies down a bit, you start digging through your inventory, hoping that random application of objects in a random manner will, in the heralded tradition of text adventures, somehow solve your problem.
Your hand closes around the EXOTIC EARWAX.
And suddenly you remember. The ALL PURPOSE CANCELLATION SPELL.
You reach out and grasp the STICK. You hold it above your head, and intone the mighty words of magic. The random objects, which had been hurtling willy nilly through the air just a moment ago, abruptly drop to the ground.
Of course. You were once a mighty wizard! How could you have forgotten? It's all coming back now. All coming back...
The DOG suddenly bounds out of nowhere and latches its jaws around the STICK you're wielding. The jolt causes you to drop the EXOTIC EARWAX.
The DOG lets go of the stick, drops to the ground, and promptly gulps down the EXOTIC EARWAX.
You feel disoriented. You have the nagging feeling you're forgetting something. Something important. The objects have ceased to randomly fly around. You're pretty sure you did something to cause this - possibly a SPELL of some kind, but you can't really remember.
>STATUS
You are in AISLE TWO of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE THREE. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BOX OF CONDOMS, a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, a BOOK OF BABY NAMES, a TOOTH, a TORN GARBAGE BAG, an EMPTY COFFEE CUP, a PUDDLE OF COFFEE, and various DEBRIS. A VICIOUS DOG is retching nearby.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a STICK, and a SLEEVE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
------------------------------------
You are in AISLE TWO of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE THREE. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BOX OF CONDOMS, a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, a BOOK OF BABY NAMES, a TOOTH, a TORN GARBAGE BAG, an EMPTY COFFEE CUP, a PUDDLE OF COFFEE, and various DEBRIS. A VICIOUS DOG is retching nearby.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a STICK, and a SLEEVE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
>take DOG VOMIT
Driven by the sudden and irresistible urge to do something disgusting, you scuttle over to where to DOG is retching and begin trying to gather up its VOMIT.
The VOMIT is quite disgusting, and makes you want to puke yourself. The texture of it makes it worse. It's oddly waxy... It seeps into your skin. Sick.
Memories come rushing back to you. Of great, fearsome power, enough to cow an entire land. Then your downfall, brought about by the Mighty Confellowship that sought to rob you of your birthright. Of being stripped of your power, then being imprisoned in a tower, chained to a portal to the Privy Dimension.
But no more. Now that your memory and power have returned, those fools will learn what it means to defy you. Now that your memory and power... Now that...
Strange. The memory of your SPELLS hasn't returned. You remember knowing them at one point. And you remember casting them. But you don't remember how. There are disturbing gaps in your memory. Where could they have gone?
"Holy shit," says the DOG, finishing up its retching. "What the fuck did I just eat?"
You pause. You're certain that DOG couldn't speak before.
"What the hell are you looking at?" says the DOG. "How about instead of staring uselessly, you get me some food? I'm hungry." The DOG snarls menacingly.
>use NOTICE on DEBRIS
Trying your best to ignore the DOG and the fact that it can now speak, you take the NOTICE out and flash it towards the DEBRIS.
It's mostly rubbish. Dented cans, broken bits of furniture, some CHANGE. You kick around at the DEBRIS, just in case.
Hold on a moment. What's this? You struggle to heave some shelving out of the way. There's a DEAD BODY under here! Although you were a little busy and things were kind of hectic, you're pretty sure you didn't see any DEAD BODIES hurtling around.
It appears to be a tiny humanoid, grotesque and badly burnt. You can see the remnants of a CHARRED GREEN TOP HAT, and what must be the BURNT REMAINS of a GREEN LEISURE SUIT. Around its wrist is a GOLD BRACELET, strangely unharmed. It glints as it catches the light. You can make out some mysterious RUNES engraved on it. There's a heart, a moon, a star, a clover, a diamond, and a horseshoe.
"Crazy," says the DOG. "How'd that creature get past our defenses?"
>confuse BOX OF CONDOMS with BOX OF GARBAGE BAGS
You decide that you need to dispose of this DEAD BODY somehow. Luckily, you have some GARBAGE BAGS that are large enough to contain a fully grown adult human. This shriveled DEAD BODY is not even half that size.
You take out a GARBAGE BAG from the BOX OF GARBAGE BAGS and attempt to stuff the DEAD BODY inside. Both of your hands are badly hurt, however, and you have a great deal of difficulty maneuvering the DEAD BODY inside. You can't quite seem to fit the DEAD BODY in. Small as the DEAD BODY is, the GARBAGE BAG seems even smaller. And a little bit slippery.
"What the fuck are you trying to do to that midget corpse?" says the DOG. "Man, you've got some serious issues."
You struggle for a bit to stuff the DEAD BODY into the GARBAGE BAG, to no avail. Finally, you give up.
"Are you done with that thing?" says the DOG. "I don't really want to know what you were trying to do with it. But if you're done, mind if I grab? It looks edible."
>STATUS
You are in AISLE TWO of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE THREE. You see nearby in AISLE TWO: a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, a BOOK OF BABY NAMES, a TOOTH, a TORN CONDOM, a GARBAGE BAG, an EMPTY COFFEE CUP, a PUDDLE OF COFFEE, various DEBRIS, and a TINY DEAD BODY wearing a GOLD BRACELET. A VICIOUS DOG is nearby, gnawing at the TINY DEAD BODY.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a STICK, and a SLEEVE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, a BOX OF CONDOMS, and a BOX OF UNDERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a SLEEVE that is currently choking you, and a CUP OF HOT COFFEE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
>catch DOG in OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAG
You only have a precious few moments before the DOG reaches you and rends you limb from limb.
Clutching the struggling CUP OF HOT COFFEE in one hand, you attempt to pry open the PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS with the other. Unfortunately, this other hand is the one that's recently been mangled by the DOG, and you're mostly just leaving blood smears all over the PACKAGE.
Desperate, you tear at the PACKAGE with your teeth (of which you are missing two from the HEEL OF BREAD incident), a task that is made extremely difficult due to the fact that your SLEEVE is now choking you so hard that you only have limited control of some of your jaw muscles. As if to add insult to injury, you're being continuously pelted by random flying objects. It's almost as though you're being targeted.
The DOG has nearly reached you. Beyond its sharp, deadly looking teeth, you can see the cavernous abyss of its maw, growing horrifyingly closer... closer.
Whimpering, you manage to barely tear open the PACKAGE and peel out a GARBAGE BAG with your teeth. In your panic, you slosh some of the COFFEE on your one remaining good hand. You register the pain, but try to ignore it.
You sidestep, and unfurl the GARBAGE BAG. It billows out like a toreador's cape. You shake it open, fighting the static cling.
And the DOG dives right in.
>pour COFFEE into OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAG containing DOG
Although most of the COFFEE is burning through the skin of your hand, you dump the remnants into the OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAG.
You hurriedly try to close the GARBAGE BAG up, but have trouble figuring out the EASY-AS-PIE TIE. Frustrated, you just bunch up the plastic near the opening and tie it closed multiple times.
Whew!
Wait a moment. The BAG feels peculiarly light. And you smell a burning odor coming from your feet.
Glancing down, you notice that there is a hole torn through the bottom of the GARBAGE BAG, as though a frenzied animal chewed right through it. Goddamn shoddy workmanship! These BULKY HAPPY GARBAGE BAGS are advertised as being heavy-duty, and supposedly capable of choking young human children to death. Yet they couldn't even contain a single vicious, demonic DOG from the pits of hell.
You quickly move your feet to prevent the COFFEE dripping from the BAG from burning entirely through your shoes.
You look around warily, trying to spot where the DOG has gone, but it appears to have run off. Trying to avoid the still-flying objects, you try to peek your head over AISLE TWO to see where the DOG went. You don't see the DOG anywhere. But that might be because you suddenly have a face full of flying bat. The wooden kind.
You collapse back down into AISLE TWO. The Louisville Poker clatters to the ground beside you. You spit out another TOOTH. It hit you right in the STUBSTACHE, almost as if it were aiming for it.
>use ALL PURPOSE CANCELLATION SPELL
You decide that you need to put an end to this substitutiary locomotion nonsense. You're not sure why, but the random flying objects appear to have a vendetta against you.
The one drawback, of course, is that you don't know of any ALL PURPOSE CANCELLATION SPELLS.
You start flipping through the COOKBOOK just in case someone has hidden another spell in there. It would be incredibly convenient if this were the case. No such luck.
You grab the BOOK OF BABY NAMES and flip it open, just in case there's a spell hidden in there.
"Aaron! Abbott! Abdullah!" You shout. It does nothing. You duck as several SOUP CANS fly overhead.
"Abel! Abelard! Abner! Abraham!" You dodge out of the way as a CHAIR crashes right where you'd been kneeling with the BOOK OF BABY NAMES. Splinters fly everywhere.
"Absalom! Ace! Acton! Adair!" You flatten yourself on the ground as a CASH REGISTER, spilling CHANGE, bursts through the shelf in front of you. It tears through the shelf behind you and continues on its way. You hear it crash into a wall with a muted ka-ching sound.
"Adam! Addison! Adlai! Adolph!" The flying objects suddenly frenzy and begin bombarding you. You curl up into a ball and try to cover your face. You kick the BOOK OF BABY NAMES away from you. It appears to just be making it worse.
When the frenzied bombardment dies down a bit, you start digging through your inventory, hoping that random application of objects in a random manner will, in the heralded tradition of text adventures, somehow solve your problem.
Your hand closes around the EXOTIC EARWAX.
And suddenly you remember. The ALL PURPOSE CANCELLATION SPELL.
You reach out and grasp the STICK. You hold it above your head, and intone the mighty words of magic. The random objects, which had been hurtling willy nilly through the air just a moment ago, abruptly drop to the ground.
Of course. You were once a mighty wizard! How could you have forgotten? It's all coming back now. All coming back...
The DOG suddenly bounds out of nowhere and latches its jaws around the STICK you're wielding. The jolt causes you to drop the EXOTIC EARWAX.
The DOG lets go of the stick, drops to the ground, and promptly gulps down the EXOTIC EARWAX.
You feel disoriented. You have the nagging feeling you're forgetting something. Something important. The objects have ceased to randomly fly around. You're pretty sure you did something to cause this - possibly a SPELL of some kind, but you can't really remember.
>STATUS
You are in AISLE TWO of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE THREE. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BOX OF CONDOMS, a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, a BOOK OF BABY NAMES, a TOOTH, a TORN GARBAGE BAG, an EMPTY COFFEE CUP, a PUDDLE OF COFFEE, and various DEBRIS. A VICIOUS DOG is retching nearby.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a STICK, and a SLEEVE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
------------------------------------
You are in AISLE TWO of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE THREE. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BOX OF CONDOMS, a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, a BOOK OF BABY NAMES, a TOOTH, a TORN GARBAGE BAG, an EMPTY COFFEE CUP, a PUDDLE OF COFFEE, and various DEBRIS. A VICIOUS DOG is retching nearby.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a STICK, and a SLEEVE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
>take DOG VOMIT
Driven by the sudden and irresistible urge to do something disgusting, you scuttle over to where to DOG is retching and begin trying to gather up its VOMIT.
The VOMIT is quite disgusting, and makes you want to puke yourself. The texture of it makes it worse. It's oddly waxy... It seeps into your skin. Sick.
Memories come rushing back to you. Of great, fearsome power, enough to cow an entire land. Then your downfall, brought about by the Mighty Confellowship that sought to rob you of your birthright. Of being stripped of your power, then being imprisoned in a tower, chained to a portal to the Privy Dimension.
But no more. Now that your memory and power have returned, those fools will learn what it means to defy you. Now that your memory and power... Now that...
Strange. The memory of your SPELLS hasn't returned. You remember knowing them at one point. And you remember casting them. But you don't remember how. There are disturbing gaps in your memory. Where could they have gone?
"Holy shit," says the DOG, finishing up its retching. "What the fuck did I just eat?"
You pause. You're certain that DOG couldn't speak before.
"What the hell are you looking at?" says the DOG. "How about instead of staring uselessly, you get me some food? I'm hungry." The DOG snarls menacingly.
>use NOTICE on DEBRIS
Trying your best to ignore the DOG and the fact that it can now speak, you take the NOTICE out and flash it towards the DEBRIS.
It's mostly rubbish. Dented cans, broken bits of furniture, some CHANGE. You kick around at the DEBRIS, just in case.
Hold on a moment. What's this? You struggle to heave some shelving out of the way. There's a DEAD BODY under here! Although you were a little busy and things were kind of hectic, you're pretty sure you didn't see any DEAD BODIES hurtling around.
It appears to be a tiny humanoid, grotesque and badly burnt. You can see the remnants of a CHARRED GREEN TOP HAT, and what must be the BURNT REMAINS of a GREEN LEISURE SUIT. Around its wrist is a GOLD BRACELET, strangely unharmed. It glints as it catches the light. You can make out some mysterious RUNES engraved on it. There's a heart, a moon, a star, a clover, a diamond, and a horseshoe.
"Crazy," says the DOG. "How'd that creature get past our defenses?"
>confuse BOX OF CONDOMS with BOX OF GARBAGE BAGS
You decide that you need to dispose of this DEAD BODY somehow. Luckily, you have some GARBAGE BAGS that are large enough to contain a fully grown adult human. This shriveled DEAD BODY is not even half that size.
You take out a GARBAGE BAG from the BOX OF GARBAGE BAGS and attempt to stuff the DEAD BODY inside. Both of your hands are badly hurt, however, and you have a great deal of difficulty maneuvering the DEAD BODY inside. You can't quite seem to fit the DEAD BODY in. Small as the DEAD BODY is, the GARBAGE BAG seems even smaller. And a little bit slippery.
"What the fuck are you trying to do to that midget corpse?" says the DOG. "Man, you've got some serious issues."
You struggle for a bit to stuff the DEAD BODY into the GARBAGE BAG, to no avail. Finally, you give up.
"Are you done with that thing?" says the DOG. "I don't really want to know what you were trying to do with it. But if you're done, mind if I grab? It looks edible."
>STATUS
You are in AISLE TWO of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE THREE. You see nearby in AISLE TWO: a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, a BOOK OF BABY NAMES, a TOOTH, a TORN CONDOM, a GARBAGE BAG, an EMPTY COFFEE CUP, a PUDDLE OF COFFEE, various DEBRIS, and a TINY DEAD BODY wearing a GOLD BRACELET. A VICIOUS DOG is nearby, gnawing at the TINY DEAD BODY.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a STICK, and a SLEEVE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, a BOX OF CONDOMS, and a BOX OF UNDERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.