outline v4.05 - Dialogue!

[bakenius]

A good afternoon my dear readers,

What I have for you today is the first version of the script with dialogue. Yes, that's right. But I also know language isn't my strong point nor writing compact, witty, natural feeling dialogue that keeps consistent with the characters personality. I know many of you are strong in the English language and have read

Comments

[rob_d]

Oooh, exciting! I'll give it a thorough review tonight at home. Don't think boss would appreciate me doing it in his time ;)

[zolphia]

Yay

[damanique]

I'm busy at work, so I'll give you a full review this weekend. I'm good at dialogue things, so I won't babble about the plotline anymore. I'll get back to you ;D

[zolphia]

Right, on with the specifics. Generally speaking (eh, so that's not very specific) you say a lot of things explicitly in your dialogue that aren't needed. They make the people talk unnatural and the audience understands it anyway.

we meet Kaula playing with a little creature that is abruptly caught by a clan member
I probably don't have to say this, because you've thought of this yourself. But clearly the clan member didn't see that Kaula was playing with the birdie. So the birdie was probably moving away from her or something.

“ahh... some party, wasn’t it?”
I'd be more cheerful as well. The Chief is a happy guy and he constantly wants to cheer Kaula up as well, so more cheerfullness. Like "Now that was a wonderful party, wasn't it?". Also, I just feel like "some party" is something that teenagers used to say in the eighties.

Why are we erecting new statues father?
Does a young girl not only know but also use, the verb "erecting"? I'd just go with "building".

Well uhm, that’s the wish of our ancestors of course.No uhm. At this

[zolphia]

Tummy is full, so here we go again.

I guess because he’s too thick-headed. The whole island is, actually.
Not enough grumpy and again too many words. "He's too thick-headed, just like everybody else" is enough. It sounds grumpier, because "the whole island is, actually" sounds like someone stating a fact like "vitamin C is good for you, actually" or "Geert Wilders is a nasty guy, actually". I want less fact-stating and more complaining.

*dry* “Hello.”
The statue does have a dry, British sense of humour and he is an old guy. So I think he'd say the more formal "Good evening".

“I never seen a Moai speak before.”
You see someone speak. Shouldn't it be the same sense? Like "hear someone speak". (Also, it's either I've never seen or I never saw or Kaula has imperfect grammar).

“Well, I prefer not to these days. It is effort wasted”Again, it's so light. Like saying "these days I prefer apples instead of pears". I'd go with something like "Well, what's the point? These days it's just a waste of effort". ("effort wasted" sounds a bit too

[zolphia]

Clearly, I don't need to make lj-entries when I make comments this big.
Also, I have reached the maximum character length of 4300 (it was originally 6389 characters), so I had to cut it in two.

“Father? Father! We have to stop making statues! It’s really bad, you know, we use up all the trees to make them! Without we will starve!”
Again, explicit and not how a young girl would talk. I suggest something like: "Father? Father! You have to stop making statues! Because that needs trees, but the forest also needs trees and we need the forest, because without it we'll starve!"
Hyperactive young children tend to not be very coherent. Also she is asking him to stop making statues, instead of simply stating the fact that we as a people should stop.

looks glum to the miniature he’s holdingIn my mind, the Chief gives birdie, gift fails, he focuses on new gift: new statue. However, I'm not sure if either you've written out that last part or if the last part needs clarification. The link between new statue and new gift doesn't really seem to

[zolphia]

You were right, you know. Nobody wants to listen. They just don’t really believe it. Not as long as no one is starving, I guess…
Again, lots of explicitly stating what's going on. But in this case it's okay to have a bit of that. "Nobody wants to listen. Not while everything is going fine." implies that currently it's all good and that's what matters to them. Also, for a young girl, Kaula talks about starving a lot. I'd think she'd be a bit more hesitant to use that words, so I did not want to use it here. If you use it too often, it will lose some of its meaning and significance.

“Now you know for yourself. It’s hopeless.”
The "for yourself"-part is useless explicit-stating. A mere "Now you know." is much better.

You could have said something when my father was here.
I'd feel more comfortable with an informal "my dad". Or does she really always call him "father"? And a "You could have said something to my dad." will suffice.

“He seemed rather simple-minded…”Back to extra-grumpiness for the statue. I'd prefer "too simple-minded",