Гильгамеш и все-все-все
Добровольный перевод на английский вот этого текста, живописующего реалии геймдева.
What would happen if UbiSoft was publishing an animated cartoon about Winnie-the-Pooh...
1 year to release date
The publisher approves the concept and the production plan
Publisher: Everything is fine, but the name of the bear - "Winnie-the-Pooh" will need to be changed to "Popol Vuh".
Developer: ?!
Publisher: It will add to the epic and fairytale feel of the cartoon.
Developer: But in the original Milne's text the bear's name is "Winnie-the-Pooh".
Publisher: Popol Vuh sounds a lot better.
There's some gnashing of teeth from the developer who, nevertheless, goes to work on the cartoon.
Half a year later (and half a year to the release date)
Developer: The key scenes are ready, the voice-overs for Popol Vuh and Owl have been recorded. We are working on the remaining voice-overs.
Publisher: We are generally satisfied, but we have a number of suggested improvements. First of all, the name Popol Vuh (formerly known as Winnie-the-Pooh) is just not right, we decided to change it to Gilgamesh. "Piglet" is no better. The pig's name should be Sardanapal.
Developer: But it's too late to change the names! We shall have to redo all of the voice-overs, and redraw some of the scenes. That would take too long. The names are not that important. We could use the time on something more significant.
Publisher: We have been publishing cartoons for a long time. It is ESSENTIAL that the names are changed.
Developer: Oh, all right...
Publisher: Besides, the presents that Eeyore gets from Gilgamesh and Sardanapal are, well, weird. Why are they giving him an empty pot and an exploded balloon? These are no presents to give to a friend.
Developer: That was in Milne's text! We are making a cartoon based on his works, aren't we?
Publisher: No, these presents just won't do. The bear's present should be a Holy Grail that his grandfather brought back from his crusade.
Developer: ?! A... Grail???
Publisher: Yes, a Holy Grail.
Developer: And the Pigle... err... Sardanapal would put the balloon into a Grail?
Publisher: What's wrong with that? Won't fit? Make the Grail bigger then.
Developer: But Winnie-the-Pooh has no grandfather. He is a teddy bear! Besides, teddy bears simply don't do crusades.
Publisher: Use your imagination! What do you meand, "no crusades"? It's fiction! Real life teddy bears don't have fathers and grandfathers, but we are creating a new world, so everything is possible! By the way, we just had an idea. An episode needs to be added to the cartoon: Gilgamesh's dying grandfather bequeathes him a holy chalice and instructs to give it to a virgin jennet (female donkey) on the day of the triple lunar eclipse.
Developer: A female donkey? It was never specified, but it is assumed that Eeyore is male. And a triple eclipse? We don't even have a single moon.
Publisher: So it was male, so what? "A virgin jennet" is so much more epic. Let it be female. Is it that hard to change its gender?
Developer: If we start adding new episodes, changing the characters and minding the stellar mechanics, we would definitely miss the release date. Or we shall have to sacrifice some quality.
Publisher: You shall have to work harder then. we agree to a later release, but all of the suggestions HAVE to be there.
The release date is postponed for six months. The characters are renamed, the new episodes are added.
A month before the release date.
Developer: We have implemented all of the suggestions. A few more episodes have been finished. All of the voices are done.
Publisher: Great job. But we have a number of suggestions.
Developer: Really?!!! AND WHAT ARE THEY?
Publisher: Gilgamesh (Popol Vuh, Winnie-the-Pooh) needs to be renamed to Ursus Dominatus.
Developer: Fuc... But ALL of the sound is finished! We can't simply change a name like that.
Publisher: It is necessary. Besides, the Rabbit has no name. Let his name be Culvertucas. And we don't like the fact that he lives in a hole.
Developer: And where do you think rabbits live? In easter eggs?
Publisher: The sarcasm is totally uncalled for. See, "rabbit" sounds like "hobbit". Hobbits live in holes. Lord of the Rings' director Peter Jackson could sue us for using his idea.
Developer: Actually, the idea is not his, it belongs to J.R.R.Tolkien.
Publisher: Doesn't matter. This other guy could sue us then. We don't want legal trouble.
Developer: Right. And where should Rabbit live?
Publisher: On a tree.
Developer: But Milne states that Rabbit lives is a hole! Like every normal rabbit. And even if we put Rabbit on a tree, how would Winnie-the... er... Gilgamesh... oh, fuck... Ursus Dominatus get stuck in the doorway, now that it all happens on a tree?
Publisher: Think of something. Let him get caught in a branch, for example. And who is this guy that you refer to all the time? Milne, was it?
Developer: He wrote "Winnie-the-Pooh". He's the author.
Publisher: If he doesn't like our improvements over his, let us be frank, hopeless script (which we are desperately trying to make into something decent), you should simply fire him.
Developer: Impossible, he is dead.
Publisher: May he rest in peace. One problem less.
Developer: ...
Publisher: By the way, why is Owl able to spell "Tuesday", and not "Saturday"? The Jews could get really pissed off about that, with their Sabbath worship. Owl should be able to spell both "Saturday" and "Sabbath".
Developer: Will do...
A week before the release date.
Developer: It is almost ready. All of the suggestions have been seen to. The artists are adding final touches.
Publisher: Great job there. Could you make one more small change now?
Developer: It's only a week until the deadline, so we better not. What is it?
Publisher: Ursus Dominatus hums "Rum-tum-tiddle-um-tum". Could we change it to "tum-tum-doodle-rum-rum"?
Developer: There really is no difference, and we have a whole lot of finishing work to do.
Publisher: But the community insists that it should go like that. It's very important.
Developer: Ok, if the community wants it, we shall change it.
Publisher: Good. In that case, it really won't be hard to make a few more small changes:
The present that Sardanapal gives to Eeyore the virgin jennet needs to be changed. An exploded balloon is not a good present, really. It can't even compare to the Holy Grail that his friend Ursus Dominatus brings. Besides, Ursus Dominatus sounds too complex, change it back to Winnie-the-Pooh, we need that authentic feel. So. It would be much better if Sardanapal decides to give Eeyore a hand-crafted zeppelin. He would travel to her birthday party by this zeppelin, when a pack of flying monkeys (on biplanes) would attack him in the air. A tracer shot would pierce the zeppelin and cause an explosion of the hydrogen inside. Sardanapal would miraculously survive the inferno, and escape the flaming wreck. Burned and wounded, he would manage to reach Eeyore, and present her a flying monkey's head, after which he would die at her feet. The head would be then placed into the Grail, and a holy light would fill the cave, where a funeral of Culvertucas who died in a battle with Voltron was taking place. Surrounded by light, Owl would descend through a hole in the cave's ceiling, to give Eeyore a dragon's tail acquired in the lands of the Dark Overlord. The tail would fit Eeyore perfectly. At this precise moment, the triple eclipse would take places, and the donkey would transform into a first-born dragon Eeyoresha. Eeyoresha then would proceed to create a new world, making the Sun from the Holy Grail, and the Moon from the monkey's head. Owl would become the sky, and Winnie-the-Pooh would become the land. Sardanapal's ashes would make the wind of the new life. By the way, his name should be changed to Piglet.
The developer is convulsing.
P.S. Miraculously, the cartoon is released...
What would happen if UbiSoft was publishing an animated cartoon about Winnie-the-Pooh...
1 year to release date
The publisher approves the concept and the production plan
Publisher: Everything is fine, but the name of the bear - "Winnie-the-Pooh" will need to be changed to "Popol Vuh".
Developer: ?!
Publisher: It will add to the epic and fairytale feel of the cartoon.
Developer: But in the original Milne's text the bear's name is "Winnie-the-Pooh".
Publisher: Popol Vuh sounds a lot better.
There's some gnashing of teeth from the developer who, nevertheless, goes to work on the cartoon.
Half a year later (and half a year to the release date)
Developer: The key scenes are ready, the voice-overs for Popol Vuh and Owl have been recorded. We are working on the remaining voice-overs.
Publisher: We are generally satisfied, but we have a number of suggested improvements. First of all, the name Popol Vuh (formerly known as Winnie-the-Pooh) is just not right, we decided to change it to Gilgamesh. "Piglet" is no better. The pig's name should be Sardanapal.
Developer: But it's too late to change the names! We shall have to redo all of the voice-overs, and redraw some of the scenes. That would take too long. The names are not that important. We could use the time on something more significant.
Publisher: We have been publishing cartoons for a long time. It is ESSENTIAL that the names are changed.
Developer: Oh, all right...
Publisher: Besides, the presents that Eeyore gets from Gilgamesh and Sardanapal are, well, weird. Why are they giving him an empty pot and an exploded balloon? These are no presents to give to a friend.
Developer: That was in Milne's text! We are making a cartoon based on his works, aren't we?
Publisher: No, these presents just won't do. The bear's present should be a Holy Grail that his grandfather brought back from his crusade.
Developer: ?! A... Grail???
Publisher: Yes, a Holy Grail.
Developer: And the Pigle... err... Sardanapal would put the balloon into a Grail?
Publisher: What's wrong with that? Won't fit? Make the Grail bigger then.
Developer: But Winnie-the-Pooh has no grandfather. He is a teddy bear! Besides, teddy bears simply don't do crusades.
Publisher: Use your imagination! What do you meand, "no crusades"? It's fiction! Real life teddy bears don't have fathers and grandfathers, but we are creating a new world, so everything is possible! By the way, we just had an idea. An episode needs to be added to the cartoon: Gilgamesh's dying grandfather bequeathes him a holy chalice and instructs to give it to a virgin jennet (female donkey) on the day of the triple lunar eclipse.
Developer: A female donkey? It was never specified, but it is assumed that Eeyore is male. And a triple eclipse? We don't even have a single moon.
Publisher: So it was male, so what? "A virgin jennet" is so much more epic. Let it be female. Is it that hard to change its gender?
Developer: If we start adding new episodes, changing the characters and minding the stellar mechanics, we would definitely miss the release date. Or we shall have to sacrifice some quality.
Publisher: You shall have to work harder then. we agree to a later release, but all of the suggestions HAVE to be there.
The release date is postponed for six months. The characters are renamed, the new episodes are added.
A month before the release date.
Developer: We have implemented all of the suggestions. A few more episodes have been finished. All of the voices are done.
Publisher: Great job. But we have a number of suggestions.
Developer: Really?!!! AND WHAT ARE THEY?
Publisher: Gilgamesh (Popol Vuh, Winnie-the-Pooh) needs to be renamed to Ursus Dominatus.
Developer: Fuc... But ALL of the sound is finished! We can't simply change a name like that.
Publisher: It is necessary. Besides, the Rabbit has no name. Let his name be Culvertucas. And we don't like the fact that he lives in a hole.
Developer: And where do you think rabbits live? In easter eggs?
Publisher: The sarcasm is totally uncalled for. See, "rabbit" sounds like "hobbit". Hobbits live in holes. Lord of the Rings' director Peter Jackson could sue us for using his idea.
Developer: Actually, the idea is not his, it belongs to J.R.R.Tolkien.
Publisher: Doesn't matter. This other guy could sue us then. We don't want legal trouble.
Developer: Right. And where should Rabbit live?
Publisher: On a tree.
Developer: But Milne states that Rabbit lives is a hole! Like every normal rabbit. And even if we put Rabbit on a tree, how would Winnie-the... er... Gilgamesh... oh, fuck... Ursus Dominatus get stuck in the doorway, now that it all happens on a tree?
Publisher: Think of something. Let him get caught in a branch, for example. And who is this guy that you refer to all the time? Milne, was it?
Developer: He wrote "Winnie-the-Pooh". He's the author.
Publisher: If he doesn't like our improvements over his, let us be frank, hopeless script (which we are desperately trying to make into something decent), you should simply fire him.
Developer: Impossible, he is dead.
Publisher: May he rest in peace. One problem less.
Developer: ...
Publisher: By the way, why is Owl able to spell "Tuesday", and not "Saturday"? The Jews could get really pissed off about that, with their Sabbath worship. Owl should be able to spell both "Saturday" and "Sabbath".
Developer: Will do...
A week before the release date.
Developer: It is almost ready. All of the suggestions have been seen to. The artists are adding final touches.
Publisher: Great job there. Could you make one more small change now?
Developer: It's only a week until the deadline, so we better not. What is it?
Publisher: Ursus Dominatus hums "Rum-tum-tiddle-um-tum". Could we change it to "tum-tum-doodle-rum-rum"?
Developer: There really is no difference, and we have a whole lot of finishing work to do.
Publisher: But the community insists that it should go like that. It's very important.
Developer: Ok, if the community wants it, we shall change it.
Publisher: Good. In that case, it really won't be hard to make a few more small changes:
The present that Sardanapal gives to Eeyore the virgin jennet needs to be changed. An exploded balloon is not a good present, really. It can't even compare to the Holy Grail that his friend Ursus Dominatus brings. Besides, Ursus Dominatus sounds too complex, change it back to Winnie-the-Pooh, we need that authentic feel. So. It would be much better if Sardanapal decides to give Eeyore a hand-crafted zeppelin. He would travel to her birthday party by this zeppelin, when a pack of flying monkeys (on biplanes) would attack him in the air. A tracer shot would pierce the zeppelin and cause an explosion of the hydrogen inside. Sardanapal would miraculously survive the inferno, and escape the flaming wreck. Burned and wounded, he would manage to reach Eeyore, and present her a flying monkey's head, after which he would die at her feet. The head would be then placed into the Grail, and a holy light would fill the cave, where a funeral of Culvertucas who died in a battle with Voltron was taking place. Surrounded by light, Owl would descend through a hole in the cave's ceiling, to give Eeyore a dragon's tail acquired in the lands of the Dark Overlord. The tail would fit Eeyore perfectly. At this precise moment, the triple eclipse would take places, and the donkey would transform into a first-born dragon Eeyoresha. Eeyoresha then would proceed to create a new world, making the Sun from the Holy Grail, and the Moon from the monkey's head. Owl would become the sky, and Winnie-the-Pooh would become the land. Sardanapal's ashes would make the wind of the new life. By the way, his name should be changed to Piglet.
The developer is convulsing.
P.S. Miraculously, the cartoon is released...