Cancer of Da Butt. Well, Near da Butt. Thankfully, no.
Just felt like I should fill in for a few people about my weirdness just before the holidays and advise that all is well.
During my physical in early December during every man's favorite moment, my Doc said I felt "odd". I advised that considering where his hand was, he was quite correct. Anyhow, he had me go see a urologist a very nice man I call Dr. FISTY MEATHANDS MCGEE, for a second opinion. He concurred with my regular Doctor. There was definitely some kind of lump on my prostate likely cancer, and he would need to do a biopsy, but considering the Plavix I take and my plans to travel to Berlin, it was to be postponed until I got back. He said because I was younger than most men who get prostate cancer, if that were the case the treatment would be to remove the prostate rendering me cancer-free, certainly sterile, potentially impotent, and possibly incontinent.
That was me for the Holidays.
Actually, I have amazing powers of denial so I really didn't think about it much other than those occasions when my mother would call and tell me I was brave when truthfully I was just being forgetful and distracted and thanks to Mom it would all suddenly hit me again. Anyhow my apologies to anyone who I ran into at those times for either a)being maudlin or b)trying to get you pregnant.
Really I never picture myself having kids but being given the information that I would definitely not be having them caught me by surprise. Also the prospect of the incontinence and the prospect of 3 months wearing a catheter during recovery were definite buzzkillers. The impotence didn't really bother me so much cause I figured that would mean i'd just catch up on my reading and maybe try and figure out what the hell was happening on "Lost".
Flash forward to last week when I had the most UNPLEASANT MEDICAL EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. The Biopsy procedure consisted of my Dr. inserting THIS:
into my ass and stabbing me in the Prostate with it 14 times over 8 minutes with the satisfying sound of a mousetrap snapping shut with each stab. Fun! If I ever go to prison, I will either become the biggest badass or the quickest corpse in penal history cause there is no way I'm being a bottom after that.
Anyhow, there was an ultrasound along with the biopsy and it showed that the lump they were feeling was actually some calcifications or prostate stones and not a cancer, and the biopsy results backed that up. I was understandably relieved except for the one moment where it dawned on me I might have to pass those stones (I don't). There have also been some disturbing serial killer type after effects of what that treatment does to a man's fluids and my general sense of violation which is subsiding, but it is all absolutely fantastic compared to the thought of what the verdict might have been. Anyhow, sorry if I weirded anybody out and thanks for your patience with me and with my need to share this a little too much;
Also, if you were around Eric or I there was a lot of dark humor about "Mike's Butt Cancer" that not everyone might appreciate. I know that there are people who are not as lucky (and I do feel lucky and grateful) and I am blessed to have the luxury to be flippant about all this.
But mostly I apologize to all the ladies - cause I suspect I may be a randy little bastard in the months ahead so I would suggest carrying an ice water pistol around me for awhile.
ADDENDUM: Forgot to mention, the man in the waiting room who was called into the doctor before me - Mr. Sitzwell. I shit you not.
During my physical in early December during every man's favorite moment, my Doc said I felt "odd". I advised that considering where his hand was, he was quite correct. Anyhow, he had me go see a urologist a very nice man I call Dr. FISTY MEATHANDS MCGEE, for a second opinion. He concurred with my regular Doctor. There was definitely some kind of lump on my prostate likely cancer, and he would need to do a biopsy, but considering the Plavix I take and my plans to travel to Berlin, it was to be postponed until I got back. He said because I was younger than most men who get prostate cancer, if that were the case the treatment would be to remove the prostate rendering me cancer-free, certainly sterile, potentially impotent, and possibly incontinent.
That was me for the Holidays.
Actually, I have amazing powers of denial so I really didn't think about it much other than those occasions when my mother would call and tell me I was brave when truthfully I was just being forgetful and distracted and thanks to Mom it would all suddenly hit me again. Anyhow my apologies to anyone who I ran into at those times for either a)being maudlin or b)trying to get you pregnant.
Really I never picture myself having kids but being given the information that I would definitely not be having them caught me by surprise. Also the prospect of the incontinence and the prospect of 3 months wearing a catheter during recovery were definite buzzkillers. The impotence didn't really bother me so much cause I figured that would mean i'd just catch up on my reading and maybe try and figure out what the hell was happening on "Lost".
Flash forward to last week when I had the most UNPLEASANT MEDICAL EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. The Biopsy procedure consisted of my Dr. inserting THIS:
into my ass and stabbing me in the Prostate with it 14 times over 8 minutes with the satisfying sound of a mousetrap snapping shut with each stab. Fun! If I ever go to prison, I will either become the biggest badass or the quickest corpse in penal history cause there is no way I'm being a bottom after that.
Anyhow, there was an ultrasound along with the biopsy and it showed that the lump they were feeling was actually some calcifications or prostate stones and not a cancer, and the biopsy results backed that up. I was understandably relieved except for the one moment where it dawned on me I might have to pass those stones (I don't). There have also been some disturbing serial killer type after effects of what that treatment does to a man's fluids and my general sense of violation which is subsiding, but it is all absolutely fantastic compared to the thought of what the verdict might have been. Anyhow, sorry if I weirded anybody out and thanks for your patience with me and with my need to share this a little too much;
Also, if you were around Eric or I there was a lot of dark humor about "Mike's Butt Cancer" that not everyone might appreciate. I know that there are people who are not as lucky (and I do feel lucky and grateful) and I am blessed to have the luxury to be flippant about all this.
But mostly I apologize to all the ladies - cause I suspect I may be a randy little bastard in the months ahead so I would suggest carrying an ice water pistol around me for awhile.
ADDENDUM: Forgot to mention, the man in the waiting room who was called into the doctor before me - Mr. Sitzwell. I shit you not.