"For you I bleed myself dry"
We broke up.
It´s been ever so slightly over 2 and a half years. I still can´t grasp it, it has not settled in. I stare at that first sentence and cannot find my way into it.
I love him more than anyone in the world and I want to be with him. He loves me more than anyone in the world and wants to be with me.
But hours ago, we broke up.
::EDIT::
Therefore, the choice that I thought it would never come down to - well it came down to it: me or his job. His dream job. And, as Andrew told me long ago he would do, he chose his job. Security. His need to be superman.
I didn´t want to argue. I didn´t want to pick to pieces the horrible mistake he was making.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
He told me how incredibly much he loves me, he cried (finally), told me how sorry he was for all the pain he´s put me through, and how he will never stop loving me.
It´s going to be hard for me to believe him.
It felt surreal, like a movie, like greater forces were seperating us rather than... his idiocy? his stubbornness? his so-called logic that he prides himself on?
I could go on about how he simplifies everything to extremes to make himself more comfortable, and so he can just repeat the same simplifications over and over and ignore anything else. But I really don´t want to argue.
I shouldn´t have to argue him into staying with me. I deserve better than that.
Though God only knows if it exists for me.
If I sound calm it´s because I´m in shock.
Shock from how quickly the problem presented itself and destroyed everything. Shock from the fact that he actually chose a job he doesn´t even have yet over me. Us. Shock because after all I have done and all I was willing to do, I have failed miserably. Shock after all I believed in us, WE have failed. Shock that in all the trust and comfort I felt with him, he has failed me, he has abandoned me. Shock that the love of my life has failed me. Shock that when I never ever wanted to be single again, I am. Shock that just yesterday afternoon I had decided to stay with him despite the children issue.
No one will ever know how happy he made me. Everyone will be relieved that it´s over, everyone will say I´m better off without him, but few will see that I´m not. Few will ever understand that I rarely cried out of sadness or pain, but I cried in desperate, desperate fear of this moment. I was scared of losing the best thing I´ve ever known.
And now it´s gone.
Everyone will tell me that someday I will feel just as happy again. That someday I will feel beautiful again. Perfectly safe again. Wonderfullly, warmly, all-over head-to-toe perfect, happy and comfortable again.
I´ll believe it when I see it.
He said, "You´re asking me to give up everything I´ve been working towards the last few years." But what have we been working towards the last few years? I don´t know anymore. In retrospect, everything will change, of course. Will I hate him? I don´t know, probably at some point. Will I regret all I´ve done for us? Maybe.
But at least I know, I will know for the rest of my life that I did everything in my power. He will have to live with the fact that he freely chose to lose me.
I have written this here so I don´t have to explain a hundred times. So I don´t have to write it a hundred times either.
I am numb, as opposed to a complete mess. I have some kind of safety lock in my head that just won´t allow me to feel all of the oncoming emotion at once. Thank God, or who knows if I would´ve slept at all. Though I did only sleep a few hours. It´s strange though, I´m used to feeling everything, so much emotion all the time, and now I´ve just kind of shut off. It´s very Andrew of me. I can´t wrap my head around the whole idea, I can only gather pieces.
I took my ring and necklace off and put them out of sight. Things like that create violent bursts of crying that last only as long as I let them.
I really wish I could have had one last hug from him or something. I really wish I could have a hug right now from a long list of people who are not here.
My plan for the time being is to survive. I think I´m gonna start going to the gym starting tomorrow because I have a lot of physical energy that I need to get out of my system. I really would like to beat the crap out of something. But I guess that´ll have to wait until the appropriate moment.
Well, that´s all.
The end.
It´s been ever so slightly over 2 and a half years. I still can´t grasp it, it has not settled in. I stare at that first sentence and cannot find my way into it.
I love him more than anyone in the world and I want to be with him. He loves me more than anyone in the world and wants to be with me.
But hours ago, we broke up.
::EDIT::
Therefore, the choice that I thought it would never come down to - well it came down to it: me or his job. His dream job. And, as Andrew told me long ago he would do, he chose his job. Security. His need to be superman.
I didn´t want to argue. I didn´t want to pick to pieces the horrible mistake he was making.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
He told me how incredibly much he loves me, he cried (finally), told me how sorry he was for all the pain he´s put me through, and how he will never stop loving me.
It´s going to be hard for me to believe him.
It felt surreal, like a movie, like greater forces were seperating us rather than... his idiocy? his stubbornness? his so-called logic that he prides himself on?
I could go on about how he simplifies everything to extremes to make himself more comfortable, and so he can just repeat the same simplifications over and over and ignore anything else. But I really don´t want to argue.
I shouldn´t have to argue him into staying with me. I deserve better than that.
Though God only knows if it exists for me.
If I sound calm it´s because I´m in shock.
Shock from how quickly the problem presented itself and destroyed everything. Shock from the fact that he actually chose a job he doesn´t even have yet over me. Us. Shock because after all I have done and all I was willing to do, I have failed miserably. Shock after all I believed in us, WE have failed. Shock that in all the trust and comfort I felt with him, he has failed me, he has abandoned me. Shock that the love of my life has failed me. Shock that when I never ever wanted to be single again, I am. Shock that just yesterday afternoon I had decided to stay with him despite the children issue.
No one will ever know how happy he made me. Everyone will be relieved that it´s over, everyone will say I´m better off without him, but few will see that I´m not. Few will ever understand that I rarely cried out of sadness or pain, but I cried in desperate, desperate fear of this moment. I was scared of losing the best thing I´ve ever known.
And now it´s gone.
Everyone will tell me that someday I will feel just as happy again. That someday I will feel beautiful again. Perfectly safe again. Wonderfullly, warmly, all-over head-to-toe perfect, happy and comfortable again.
I´ll believe it when I see it.
He said, "You´re asking me to give up everything I´ve been working towards the last few years." But what have we been working towards the last few years? I don´t know anymore. In retrospect, everything will change, of course. Will I hate him? I don´t know, probably at some point. Will I regret all I´ve done for us? Maybe.
But at least I know, I will know for the rest of my life that I did everything in my power. He will have to live with the fact that he freely chose to lose me.
I have written this here so I don´t have to explain a hundred times. So I don´t have to write it a hundred times either.
I am numb, as opposed to a complete mess. I have some kind of safety lock in my head that just won´t allow me to feel all of the oncoming emotion at once. Thank God, or who knows if I would´ve slept at all. Though I did only sleep a few hours. It´s strange though, I´m used to feeling everything, so much emotion all the time, and now I´ve just kind of shut off. It´s very Andrew of me. I can´t wrap my head around the whole idea, I can only gather pieces.
I took my ring and necklace off and put them out of sight. Things like that create violent bursts of crying that last only as long as I let them.
I really wish I could have had one last hug from him or something. I really wish I could have a hug right now from a long list of people who are not here.
My plan for the time being is to survive. I think I´m gonna start going to the gym starting tomorrow because I have a lot of physical energy that I need to get out of my system. I really would like to beat the crap out of something. But I guess that´ll have to wait until the appropriate moment.
Well, that´s all.
The end.