(no subject)
I shouldn't be bothered by this as much as I am. At the same time, this shouldn't be a big as a deal as it has become. There are so many opinions flying around, so many emotions, so many approvals and disapprovals, and every single one of them and sent me into a vortex of frustration and madness. It's silly. It's stupid. It's ridiculous to feel like I'm not ever allowed to be happy when it comes to anything. I don't understand how its so terrible that I have developed a brand new friendship with somebody from my past. Yes, friendship. Nothing more. I'm not focused on what once was, nor am I focused on what can become, I'm focused on the current, and the current is a new fresh start with somebody I once knew. It has been nearly two years. Times change, people change, and kids grow up and become adults whether they realize it or not. Change happens everyday and there is nothing anybody can do to stop it.
I think I may be the only who realizes how infrequently I put myself before others. I'm not selfish, and to be completely honest, I can't stand people who are. I'm not selfish, nor am I stupid, which is what has me most bothered in this whole thing. I always put the thoughts and feelings of others before my own, even if it results in me being completely miserable about it. I've made bad decisions at a younger age which have lead me to realize that you can't take anything you have for granted, which is why I have a certain mindset now. This one time. ONE time, I took a chance, a chance that caused a conflict with myself to take, but I took it. I sat down and thought about what could come out of it. Yes, I was hurt in the past, but who isn't upset when something that has kept you happy for a nice amount of time comes to an end? The best part about it.. that's the only part of it all that had hurt me then. Nothing horrible was said, nothing horrible was done to have ever made me question it all again. The decision I made then I still believe to have been the right one. Things went sour, yes, but it had nothing at all to do with that particular ending of my life. Now, those sour pieces of my life have sweetened, and are now putting a smile back on my face, only to have a few cavities forming here and there. I'm stuck in this constant state of drainage because the ONE person who's opinion matters most to me isn't seeing things from my view of things, nor do I think they are even trying to.
I'm just going to stop being cryptic. I must've asked myself the same question three thousand times in the past six weeks: what is wrong with second chances? Well, there could be many things wrong with second chances, but in my case, I see nothing wrong with second chances. There's not one day that goes by that I think about somebody from my past. Not one day. It could be anybody. It could be a family member that passed away, or an old classmate, or an old friend who's friendship ended on a completely raw, and completely unnecessary matter. Not a day goes by where I'm thinking about somebody who's no longer in my life. I think about Brodie from time to time. I think about Candice and Ferrin. And Pants. I think about girls in grade school who hated me, and vice versa. But mostly, I think about people I miss, and the reasons why I miss them. I've spent many nights tearing up/smiling at the same time thinking about people. I thought about Renee and Taylor for that, what, YEAR, that I wasn't part of their crew anymore because of who I was friends with. I thought about Thomas.
I still think about Thomas, mainly because that is one boy who can excite me, but then fucking piss me off so much at the same time. I mean, if you are going to tell me you want to hang out with me, don't make plans with me, then don't stick to them. You're getting my hopes up, and I don't like it. You fell off the face of the earth because you got a girlfriend, then you appear out of nowhere and start talking to me again. Then! You IM me, and as soon as I respond, you put your away message up and I don't hear from you since. That's frustration.
I thought about John Deary. I guess you could say we were seeing each other for a while, and things went sour with him too, when he decided to go to LF's prom with someone he didn't know, then lost his virginity (she lost hers too) to her that night (again, someone he didn't know). I've given him a second chance, and now every time I see him signed online, I smile to myself and wonder how school's going for him. We're still friends.
Why do I see second chances as a good thing? You never know what you're going to expect. You could come out of it completely miserable, or completely exhilarated that things ended turning out so well. I mean, without someone giving me a second chance, there are two people I wouldn't have as friends right now, two of my best friends at that. Granted, I've given Brodie a second chance before too, and that didn't stick, but in the end, at least I know I didn't go to bed every night wondering what could've happened if I did. Instead, I went to bed knowing what happened, whether it was good or bad, I knew what happened when given/giving that second chance.
So why am I giving Kevin a second chance? It's quite simple; he's giving me a second chance. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm 100% the victim of anything that went sour between us, because I'm not. I'm the one that caused the uproar up the mountains (again, this is probably going to end up getting deleted), in turn, made me lose a couple of friends. But! Did I think about Kristen, John and Kevin after that weekend? Of course. Then I started talking to Kristen again, but that doesn't mean I stopped thinking about the other two. The only reason things went sour between Kevin and I in the first place was because of THAT weekend, and THAT weekend alone. While we were together, nothing he ever said has hurt me. Nothing he had ever done had hurt me (except when it ended). Yes, I said a few not-so-nice things about him since up until now, however, we went from couple, to friends, to nonexistent in such a short amount of time. Any anger I had toward him was only based around the fact that I had lost a FRIEND. A friend that I confided in for over a year, and a friend that I've gotten close to, closer than I ever thought I would. I was angry he had just fallen off the face of the earth (see my Thomas rant... pretty much.. very similar). Those eighteen months of confusion and frustration and anger that a simple fight made somebody close to you fall of the face of earth is going to make you say things you don't really mean to say, but at the time, you mean it with every piece of you.
And then Kevin calls me out of NOWHERE on my birthday. How am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to hang up on him because he's an asshole? Am I supposed to cry because I'm so ecstatic? Am I even supposed to feel anything at all? My first reaction, without even thinking... my heart just stopped for a second. It had been so long since I heard his voice, it took a second to realize who it was, but hearing the words "happy birthday" from somebody who I thought didn't even cared if I existed anymore, and somebody I constantly thought "what if" about for months and months was speaking, to me, once again. In all honesty, I smiled. I smiled pretty big, too. This was somebody who I thought hated me was trying to make a bit light of the situation and wish me a happy birthday. It was a nice gesture, and it made me feel good knowing that I wasn't the only one thinking about him from time to time.
And now six months after that, one hangout session becomes a complete disaster. There's nothing wrong with a one-on-on hang-out session to catch up, and see how awkward things would be. There as no awkwardness. It was as if nothing had changed, but at the same time, I felt like I was meeting somebody new. I give him a second chance, for the reasons I have given other people second chances, and then all of the sudden I'm making a bad decision. People "don't approve." Honestly, why do they have to "approve" of any decisions I want to make? I'm an adult, and I'm not stupid. I understand there are possibly risks involved, and I understand that I was hurt once before by him, but not for reasons that people think. It's one thing to dislike somebody, but it's another to dislike them for all the wrong reasons when you only have an outsiders view on things. There are only two people in a relationship, and nobody knows what happens in that relationship except for those two people. I'll say it right now. I was completely happy with him. I was happy with the way he made me feel. I was happy with the way he treated me. I was happy with the way he spoke to me, and when the relationship ended, I was happy with the fact he was so honest with me, and continued with a friendship.
The main word there is "happy." This second chance was a decision based on happiness. Whether or not he was out of my life for a while, he's still apart of me; apart of my past, and a part of my past that I was never quite ready to just give up like that, but it happened. I was happy with his friendship, happy with his companionship. The simple thought of me being able to gain back a lost friend made me happy. So I took the chance. I knew I'd be lying to myself if I didn't agree to catching up with him. We've had endless, ENDLESS conversations on what would become of it all. To put it bluntly, we're starting from scratch. It's basically as if we had erased each other from memory (yay eternal sunshine!) and met for the first time again. We're currently able to hang out, and talk to each other about anything (like we always have). My mindset on it is, whatever happens, happens. In a year, we could be a couple. In two months, I could despise ever inch of his existence. In four years, we could be married. In a decade, we can be in the same exact position as we are now; friends. I can't predict the future, and I can't control my emotions, but whatever life throws at me, I can handle.
So, whether he's distrusted and disliked, or whether he's very well-liked and approved, either way, it doesn't matter to me, and it shouldn't matter to anyone else how I feel. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I don't need my hand to be held. I don't need to be lectured. If I was old enough then to make the "second chance" decision, I'm old enough now. I'm happy with where I am in life, but I'm slowly getting pulled down by all of this negativity for once. Can't someone just think about my feelings for once? Can someone just let me go and make me decisions and watch from a distance as I fuck up royally, or succeed. It sure beats the hell out of tearing my brain apart, and sacrificing any remaining happiness I have left to keep two other people happy. I want to be happy for once, and be happy for something I did for me.
I'm completely exasperated.
I think I may be the only who realizes how infrequently I put myself before others. I'm not selfish, and to be completely honest, I can't stand people who are. I'm not selfish, nor am I stupid, which is what has me most bothered in this whole thing. I always put the thoughts and feelings of others before my own, even if it results in me being completely miserable about it. I've made bad decisions at a younger age which have lead me to realize that you can't take anything you have for granted, which is why I have a certain mindset now. This one time. ONE time, I took a chance, a chance that caused a conflict with myself to take, but I took it. I sat down and thought about what could come out of it. Yes, I was hurt in the past, but who isn't upset when something that has kept you happy for a nice amount of time comes to an end? The best part about it.. that's the only part of it all that had hurt me then. Nothing horrible was said, nothing horrible was done to have ever made me question it all again. The decision I made then I still believe to have been the right one. Things went sour, yes, but it had nothing at all to do with that particular ending of my life. Now, those sour pieces of my life have sweetened, and are now putting a smile back on my face, only to have a few cavities forming here and there. I'm stuck in this constant state of drainage because the ONE person who's opinion matters most to me isn't seeing things from my view of things, nor do I think they are even trying to.
I'm just going to stop being cryptic. I must've asked myself the same question three thousand times in the past six weeks: what is wrong with second chances? Well, there could be many things wrong with second chances, but in my case, I see nothing wrong with second chances. There's not one day that goes by that I think about somebody from my past. Not one day. It could be anybody. It could be a family member that passed away, or an old classmate, or an old friend who's friendship ended on a completely raw, and completely unnecessary matter. Not a day goes by where I'm thinking about somebody who's no longer in my life. I think about Brodie from time to time. I think about Candice and Ferrin. And Pants. I think about girls in grade school who hated me, and vice versa. But mostly, I think about people I miss, and the reasons why I miss them. I've spent many nights tearing up/smiling at the same time thinking about people. I thought about Renee and Taylor for that, what, YEAR, that I wasn't part of their crew anymore because of who I was friends with. I thought about Thomas.
I still think about Thomas, mainly because that is one boy who can excite me, but then fucking piss me off so much at the same time. I mean, if you are going to tell me you want to hang out with me, don't make plans with me, then don't stick to them. You're getting my hopes up, and I don't like it. You fell off the face of the earth because you got a girlfriend, then you appear out of nowhere and start talking to me again. Then! You IM me, and as soon as I respond, you put your away message up and I don't hear from you since. That's frustration.
I thought about John Deary. I guess you could say we were seeing each other for a while, and things went sour with him too, when he decided to go to LF's prom with someone he didn't know, then lost his virginity (she lost hers too) to her that night (again, someone he didn't know). I've given him a second chance, and now every time I see him signed online, I smile to myself and wonder how school's going for him. We're still friends.
Why do I see second chances as a good thing? You never know what you're going to expect. You could come out of it completely miserable, or completely exhilarated that things ended turning out so well. I mean, without someone giving me a second chance, there are two people I wouldn't have as friends right now, two of my best friends at that. Granted, I've given Brodie a second chance before too, and that didn't stick, but in the end, at least I know I didn't go to bed every night wondering what could've happened if I did. Instead, I went to bed knowing what happened, whether it was good or bad, I knew what happened when given/giving that second chance.
So why am I giving Kevin a second chance? It's quite simple; he's giving me a second chance. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm 100% the victim of anything that went sour between us, because I'm not. I'm the one that caused the uproar up the mountains (again, this is probably going to end up getting deleted), in turn, made me lose a couple of friends. But! Did I think about Kristen, John and Kevin after that weekend? Of course. Then I started talking to Kristen again, but that doesn't mean I stopped thinking about the other two. The only reason things went sour between Kevin and I in the first place was because of THAT weekend, and THAT weekend alone. While we were together, nothing he ever said has hurt me. Nothing he had ever done had hurt me (except when it ended). Yes, I said a few not-so-nice things about him since up until now, however, we went from couple, to friends, to nonexistent in such a short amount of time. Any anger I had toward him was only based around the fact that I had lost a FRIEND. A friend that I confided in for over a year, and a friend that I've gotten close to, closer than I ever thought I would. I was angry he had just fallen off the face of the earth (see my Thomas rant... pretty much.. very similar). Those eighteen months of confusion and frustration and anger that a simple fight made somebody close to you fall of the face of earth is going to make you say things you don't really mean to say, but at the time, you mean it with every piece of you.
And then Kevin calls me out of NOWHERE on my birthday. How am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to hang up on him because he's an asshole? Am I supposed to cry because I'm so ecstatic? Am I even supposed to feel anything at all? My first reaction, without even thinking... my heart just stopped for a second. It had been so long since I heard his voice, it took a second to realize who it was, but hearing the words "happy birthday" from somebody who I thought didn't even cared if I existed anymore, and somebody I constantly thought "what if" about for months and months was speaking, to me, once again. In all honesty, I smiled. I smiled pretty big, too. This was somebody who I thought hated me was trying to make a bit light of the situation and wish me a happy birthday. It was a nice gesture, and it made me feel good knowing that I wasn't the only one thinking about him from time to time.
And now six months after that, one hangout session becomes a complete disaster. There's nothing wrong with a one-on-on hang-out session to catch up, and see how awkward things would be. There as no awkwardness. It was as if nothing had changed, but at the same time, I felt like I was meeting somebody new. I give him a second chance, for the reasons I have given other people second chances, and then all of the sudden I'm making a bad decision. People "don't approve." Honestly, why do they have to "approve" of any decisions I want to make? I'm an adult, and I'm not stupid. I understand there are possibly risks involved, and I understand that I was hurt once before by him, but not for reasons that people think. It's one thing to dislike somebody, but it's another to dislike them for all the wrong reasons when you only have an outsiders view on things. There are only two people in a relationship, and nobody knows what happens in that relationship except for those two people. I'll say it right now. I was completely happy with him. I was happy with the way he made me feel. I was happy with the way he treated me. I was happy with the way he spoke to me, and when the relationship ended, I was happy with the fact he was so honest with me, and continued with a friendship.
The main word there is "happy." This second chance was a decision based on happiness. Whether or not he was out of my life for a while, he's still apart of me; apart of my past, and a part of my past that I was never quite ready to just give up like that, but it happened. I was happy with his friendship, happy with his companionship. The simple thought of me being able to gain back a lost friend made me happy. So I took the chance. I knew I'd be lying to myself if I didn't agree to catching up with him. We've had endless, ENDLESS conversations on what would become of it all. To put it bluntly, we're starting from scratch. It's basically as if we had erased each other from memory (yay eternal sunshine!) and met for the first time again. We're currently able to hang out, and talk to each other about anything (like we always have). My mindset on it is, whatever happens, happens. In a year, we could be a couple. In two months, I could despise ever inch of his existence. In four years, we could be married. In a decade, we can be in the same exact position as we are now; friends. I can't predict the future, and I can't control my emotions, but whatever life throws at me, I can handle.
So, whether he's distrusted and disliked, or whether he's very well-liked and approved, either way, it doesn't matter to me, and it shouldn't matter to anyone else how I feel. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I don't need my hand to be held. I don't need to be lectured. If I was old enough then to make the "second chance" decision, I'm old enough now. I'm happy with where I am in life, but I'm slowly getting pulled down by all of this negativity for once. Can't someone just think about my feelings for once? Can someone just let me go and make me decisions and watch from a distance as I fuck up royally, or succeed. It sure beats the hell out of tearing my brain apart, and sacrificing any remaining happiness I have left to keep two other people happy. I want to be happy for once, and be happy for something I did for me.
I'm completely exasperated.