this is a long entry for someone with lots to think about
excluding the classics peeps, i'm sure the rest of you have some memory of the literary device in medias res (god i hope i spelled it right). that's what i'm employing here, because i don't know how to chronologize this entry.
basically, i intend to lay it all out here. some of you may know the extent to which this has been a part of my life and others may not. either way, i sincerely hope you do not feel betrayed, misled, or dumbfounded. so far, i have been extremely, even frighteningly, adept at snowballing everyone. at any rate, here goes...
i am not well. on and off, i have struggled with severe depression for the past year and a half or two. sometimes, it has manifested itself simply and subtly, such as me being more serious and reserved than normal. in other modes i have found myself utterly disconnected from what i thought was my life proper. in all cases, my life has been rewoven to the point that the fibers are hard to trace now, but that's what i'm attempting here.
there have been several issues. one is the degree of loneliness i've wallowed in. of everything, this is the issue i currently feel best at (having spent four years trying to make friends at school i finally have). however, more serious concerns include [1]abandoning entire semesters of course work for reasons i cannot justify; [2]lying or generally concealing the fact that i was miserable and not meeting obligations to people who i love and trust (parents, gf, etc.); [3]maintaining poor physical habits (eating, sleeping, lack of exercise, etc.); and [4]abandoning my self-esteem and confidence somewhere back near the last palindrome year (i'm allowed humour here right? 2002 if you're playing along at home).
this is not to say that i haven't recognized the problem and done absolutely nothing previously. but previously i thought i had a defective circuit or two and just needed to be re-oiled or such. previously i thought seeing counselors was just a sort of fill-up that would prepare me for hitting the road again. previously i thought pills (wellbutrin, now lexapro) would provide me the zip to get my days and my health back on track. previously, i was wrong
my perspective has changed, along with my locale and ambition. despite being only 14 hours or so shy of completing my B.A., i have withdrawn from school and am moving back to nashville (where i am now writing this). my parents are deathly concerned but have been fantastically calm and supportive of me, only mandating that i find full-time work, get physcially on track, and so forth. despite misgivings about notions of failure and incompletion stemming from the withrdrawal thing, i actually feel as though a weight's been lifted from my shoulders. i know better now what i want out of therapy, and i also know that i'm not stopping this time until i delve deep enough to make sense out of all this.
now, that preface at the beginning of the entry may make more sense or it may not. but i would like, again, to reassure you that i am drew. i am not a pathological liar or a con artist. i simply have not opened up about this in great detail. doing so, i think, is a big step for me towards grasping the hand and footholds i'll need to climb the rock face i've been dangling from.
so, the plan is that i'll be in nashvegas for approximately a year...working, working out, gaining weight, getting stronger, truly becoming an adult, unfucking things over, and making (and maybe remaking) friends. say what you will or won't. i'll be here. email me privately if you have a similar experience to share, or comment if you're so bold and beautiful. i post this here because i care about you. i am damn near certain it is reciprocal. if not, make me think it is :D if so, please tell me so.
thanks for listening. cheers,
drew
basically, i intend to lay it all out here. some of you may know the extent to which this has been a part of my life and others may not. either way, i sincerely hope you do not feel betrayed, misled, or dumbfounded. so far, i have been extremely, even frighteningly, adept at snowballing everyone. at any rate, here goes...
i am not well. on and off, i have struggled with severe depression for the past year and a half or two. sometimes, it has manifested itself simply and subtly, such as me being more serious and reserved than normal. in other modes i have found myself utterly disconnected from what i thought was my life proper. in all cases, my life has been rewoven to the point that the fibers are hard to trace now, but that's what i'm attempting here.
there have been several issues. one is the degree of loneliness i've wallowed in. of everything, this is the issue i currently feel best at (having spent four years trying to make friends at school i finally have). however, more serious concerns include [1]abandoning entire semesters of course work for reasons i cannot justify; [2]lying or generally concealing the fact that i was miserable and not meeting obligations to people who i love and trust (parents, gf, etc.); [3]maintaining poor physical habits (eating, sleeping, lack of exercise, etc.); and [4]abandoning my self-esteem and confidence somewhere back near the last palindrome year (i'm allowed humour here right? 2002 if you're playing along at home).
this is not to say that i haven't recognized the problem and done absolutely nothing previously. but previously i thought i had a defective circuit or two and just needed to be re-oiled or such. previously i thought seeing counselors was just a sort of fill-up that would prepare me for hitting the road again. previously i thought pills (wellbutrin, now lexapro) would provide me the zip to get my days and my health back on track. previously, i was wrong
my perspective has changed, along with my locale and ambition. despite being only 14 hours or so shy of completing my B.A., i have withdrawn from school and am moving back to nashville (where i am now writing this). my parents are deathly concerned but have been fantastically calm and supportive of me, only mandating that i find full-time work, get physcially on track, and so forth. despite misgivings about notions of failure and incompletion stemming from the withrdrawal thing, i actually feel as though a weight's been lifted from my shoulders. i know better now what i want out of therapy, and i also know that i'm not stopping this time until i delve deep enough to make sense out of all this.
now, that preface at the beginning of the entry may make more sense or it may not. but i would like, again, to reassure you that i am drew. i am not a pathological liar or a con artist. i simply have not opened up about this in great detail. doing so, i think, is a big step for me towards grasping the hand and footholds i'll need to climb the rock face i've been dangling from.
so, the plan is that i'll be in nashvegas for approximately a year...working, working out, gaining weight, getting stronger, truly becoming an adult, unfucking things over, and making (and maybe remaking) friends. say what you will or won't. i'll be here. email me privately if you have a similar experience to share, or comment if you're so bold and beautiful. i post this here because i care about you. i am damn near certain it is reciprocal. if not, make me think it is :D if so, please tell me so.
thanks for listening. cheers,
drew