LJ Idol 10.5 - Fear is the Heart of Love
I still remember the exact moment I knew I was in love with my husband. He'd just come home from visiting his ex-girlfriend, who was so depressed and upset that she was no longer with him that she threatened to kill him. Confronted with this news, I thought, "How would I feel if she actually succeeded with that? How much would I care?"
It turned out I cared a whole lot. I didn't want to lose him. It was scary for me to discover this conclusion because we hadn't even been dating that long yet. And I sure as hell didn't want to admit it to him. I needed to hear those words from him first.
I was 21 back then. Nearly twelve years later, I feel a whole lot differently about how fear and love work together. There are few situations now where I could consider fear in a relationship as being healthy. I've been in a few relationships with other men whilst with my husband, because we're polyamorous, so that's where a lot of my perspective comes from.
My fear of losing my ex, Lee, is one of the major factors that drove him away. I could feel him distancing himself from me, so I talked to a mutual friend about us, and that was the nail in the coffin.
I've seen fear drive people to jealousy, wanting to claim ownership over their partner, ensure (or at least believe) that their partner only has eyes for them. So much so that they don't want to hear if that's not the truth. Inability to communicate those difficult feelings can drive a wedge in the middle of a relationship until the cracks begin to show, or not, but at least one person in that relationship is left miserable and trapped.
For a good portion of my marriage, as we've been polyamorous, I've trusted that my husband loved me, and would never leave me. Why would he leave me for someone else, when I'm as awesome as I tend to think I am, and I allow him to have relationships with other women? He doesn't have to feel trapped by me. I've seen other women come and go in his life, and always felt reassured that I was a stable partner that he'd stand by forever.
Polyamory had always been easy for me because of that. I didn't get jealous, because I believed all this to be true. The theoretical ideals of polyamory made a lot of sense to me. I dreamed of being in love with my husband, and someone else, and all of us living together happily ever after. Because I wanted this for myself, I thought, it's only fair to be open to allowing my husband that same freedom.
But living the reality is a lot harder than imagining the dream, when it feels lopsided. It's always been harder for me to find partners I'm attracted to than it's been for my husband, though once I do, I tend to fall in love pretty quickly. My husband's had a girlfriend living with us for over half a year now, and it's very clear to me that she brings him a lot of joy in his life. I don't want to take that away from him. They're very serious about each other, and they're in it for the long haul.
For my end of it, I like the convenience of having someone else who can look after our children for us when my husband and I have other commitments -- he travels for work, and I have rehearsals, shows, and sometimes classes when the kids are out of school. Sometimes they overlap. The kids think she's great.
But the closest I've had to another "relationship" in that time was about a six-week hot and heavy sexual fling with a fellow improviser who ended things because we were in different places with what we were looking for. He was still stuck on his ex, and I'd well moved past mine.
I don't see myself finding someone else who can be that person to me that my husband has in his life, and the longer this goes on, the harder it is to live with. Seeing her every day is a reminder of what I don't have. A reminder of my former partners who I'd have loved to have live with us but didn't work out.
But if I let this fear that I won't have that consume me, I risk a lot more. I have to continue to trust in my husband, and trust that I'll find what I want in my life. That's how I love.
Because fear isn't the heart of love. Trust is.
It turned out I cared a whole lot. I didn't want to lose him. It was scary for me to discover this conclusion because we hadn't even been dating that long yet. And I sure as hell didn't want to admit it to him. I needed to hear those words from him first.
I was 21 back then. Nearly twelve years later, I feel a whole lot differently about how fear and love work together. There are few situations now where I could consider fear in a relationship as being healthy. I've been in a few relationships with other men whilst with my husband, because we're polyamorous, so that's where a lot of my perspective comes from.
My fear of losing my ex, Lee, is one of the major factors that drove him away. I could feel him distancing himself from me, so I talked to a mutual friend about us, and that was the nail in the coffin.
I've seen fear drive people to jealousy, wanting to claim ownership over their partner, ensure (or at least believe) that their partner only has eyes for them. So much so that they don't want to hear if that's not the truth. Inability to communicate those difficult feelings can drive a wedge in the middle of a relationship until the cracks begin to show, or not, but at least one person in that relationship is left miserable and trapped.
For a good portion of my marriage, as we've been polyamorous, I've trusted that my husband loved me, and would never leave me. Why would he leave me for someone else, when I'm as awesome as I tend to think I am, and I allow him to have relationships with other women? He doesn't have to feel trapped by me. I've seen other women come and go in his life, and always felt reassured that I was a stable partner that he'd stand by forever.
Polyamory had always been easy for me because of that. I didn't get jealous, because I believed all this to be true. The theoretical ideals of polyamory made a lot of sense to me. I dreamed of being in love with my husband, and someone else, and all of us living together happily ever after. Because I wanted this for myself, I thought, it's only fair to be open to allowing my husband that same freedom.
But living the reality is a lot harder than imagining the dream, when it feels lopsided. It's always been harder for me to find partners I'm attracted to than it's been for my husband, though once I do, I tend to fall in love pretty quickly. My husband's had a girlfriend living with us for over half a year now, and it's very clear to me that she brings him a lot of joy in his life. I don't want to take that away from him. They're very serious about each other, and they're in it for the long haul.
For my end of it, I like the convenience of having someone else who can look after our children for us when my husband and I have other commitments -- he travels for work, and I have rehearsals, shows, and sometimes classes when the kids are out of school. Sometimes they overlap. The kids think she's great.
But the closest I've had to another "relationship" in that time was about a six-week hot and heavy sexual fling with a fellow improviser who ended things because we were in different places with what we were looking for. He was still stuck on his ex, and I'd well moved past mine.
I don't see myself finding someone else who can be that person to me that my husband has in his life, and the longer this goes on, the harder it is to live with. Seeing her every day is a reminder of what I don't have. A reminder of my former partners who I'd have loved to have live with us but didn't work out.
But if I let this fear that I won't have that consume me, I risk a lot more. I have to continue to trust in my husband, and trust that I'll find what I want in my life. That's how I love.
Because fear isn't the heart of love. Trust is.