Father's Day Blowout Pt. 2
Here's the back-and-forth so far, starting with his response to the message I sent yesterday:
Dad:
❝dont take this as sarcastic but ... your right! by the way, i"m 51. i did call on your b-day, even told you i had a gift 4 u.... your never able to make it by. never claimed to be a good dad, just a dad. maybe when you have your own children, youll understand what its like....❞
Me:
❝I know, I realized after I sent that message that you turned fifty one on your birthday.
And you talked to me a few days before my birthday, but not on my birthday. I know for a fact, because I kept Marty's phone next to me that whole day, expecting calls, and didn't get any.
And, Dad, what I want you to understand is that it's not just about how you treat your kids. It's about how you treat EVERYONE. I don't need to have kids to know that people aren't going to want to be around me if I constantly pick at them and their life choices, or if I can't admit when I'm wrong.❞
Dad:
❝"ve sat here pretty much all day thinking on your e-mails.When it dawned on me... I cant remember when you have had anything good to say about me as a dad, and now as a person. I can take your criteek of me, because its how you feel. and I respect that. on the other side of the coin, i gave my opinion, and ive become some sort of ass to you. should i have responded to you as harshly as you have done to me. NO i think not. YOU have chosen to distance yourself from this whole family, so how can anyone exspect to overcome any poor situations..... think about Aren. nobody wants to hear you doing poorly.. but thats all they know of you. thats the impression you put out there!!❞
Me:
❝Oh, come on. I've said plenty of good things about you. You're just dwelling on all the negatives because you're having a rough time, and focusing on how other people are at fault for the issues at hand is easier than looking inside of yourself and trying to figure out what part you play in things (and that's a general statement and not aimed directly at you--no one likes to think that they might have caused problems; it's easier to point fingers at others than at yourself).
And it's not your opinion that left a bad taste in my mouth. It's how (and what) you communicate. You just say whatever it is that you're thinking without taking into consideration how it might make people feel, and you think that they shouldn't get upset, because you're just speaking your mind. But look, I'm just speaking MY mind in these messages, and it obviously isn't making you feel too great.
Sometimes you need to stop and think, "Is saying these things actually going to benefit the other person in any way, or is it only going to make them feel bad?". For example: For whatever reason, you don't like Marty, and that's fine. You don't have to. But I DO like him, and I choose to be with him. Yes, some things aren't perfect, but he's the person I'm with, so you just need to accept that and not tell me about how you think I should leave him. Yes, that's what you think, but telling ME that doesn't benefit either of us; it just makes me resent you for not accepting the person I'm with, and it doesn't change the fact that I'm with him. Do you understand what I'm getting at?
The fact that I didn't bring any of this stuff up to you for years is another good example. I just sat there and let you go off about this and that, and whether you realize it or not, you tore me down a lot. When you'd be talking to me about something, you'd often say, "Don't think of this as me talking to you as a father; think of this as me just talking to you as a person.", and then you'd rip into me. But the fact is, you're my father no matter what disclaimers you put out there, and when you tear me down or point out my faults, you're doing it as my father, and it's harsh.
But I'm bringing this up to you NOW, because, as an adult, I'd LIKE to be able to have a good relationship with you, where we can talk about things and be RESPECTFUL of each other. It would be really nice if I could be honest with you about things that are going on in my life without having to worry about you going off about whatever it is I'm talking about. It would be GREAT if I could talk to you as a DAUGHTER talking to her FATHER, and also as an ADULT talking to an ADULT.
And that's why I'm being honest with you now. Because I don't know if you realize that the way you treat people (including myself) and talk to them is harsh (and there's a difference between being harsh and being honest, by the way), and oftentimes, it pushes them away from you. I don't want that. That's why I keep suggesting that you stop and look at yourself, so that maybe you can see and realize that what I'm saying isn't an attack, it's a true observation, and I'm only pointing it out to try to help you salvage some relationships that might otherwise fall apart.
And I haven't distanced myself from the whole family. I still call grandma, and she and I chit-chat about this, that, and the other, and she fills me in on everything that's going on. And, anyway, it's not my job exclusively to stay in touch with everyone. Yes, I don't make it a habit to call everyone, but they don't call me either, and, to be honest, I'm pretty sure that the only one that's bothered by it is you. Just because I'm not always visiting and calling and all that doesn't mean that I don't care about the family, and I don't assume because they don't call and visit me, that they don't care about me. And I don't think any of us need to feel guilty about not being in touch.
And as for impressions, I'm not really putting ANY impressions out there. When I do talk to people in the family, I'm cheerful and happy to see them. But since I don't talk to anybody except for grandma and you on a regular basis, there's really no way for me to be putting any sort of impression out there to indicate that my life is going one way or the other. And, honestly, if people get the "impression" that I'm doing poorly because I'm in a happy three-year-long relationship, and I have a house with my boyfriend, that's an issue with them; not with me.
I kinda think that the only one that has the impression that I'm doing "poorly" is you. And I know that part of that is that I don't have some of the things that you think I should have. But what you fail to realize is that, right now, I'm happy with what I've got. And THAT should be enough to make YOU happy. It shouldn't be about what I don't have and where I'm lacking. It should be about what I DO have, and where I'm thriving. And I wish you'd focus on those things more often. If you ever wanted to call and talk about that sort of stuff, I'd be pleased as punch. It's the fact that, more often than not, our conversations tend to focus more on where you think I need work that makes me hesitant to call you.
I sincerely hope that you consider this message as a whole, rather than focus on little bits and pieces that you can argue. I'm telling you these things because I want you to get to a place where you can have better, closer relationships with the people around you. And I hope you realize that you've said some things that have hurt me DEEPLY, and I'm STILL taking the time to type these messages up because I LOVE you and need you to understand that things need to change.❞
Whew. That last one took forever to type up.
(Sigh.) I kinda feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall...
Dad:
❝dont take this as sarcastic but ... your right! by the way, i"m 51. i did call on your b-day, even told you i had a gift 4 u.... your never able to make it by. never claimed to be a good dad, just a dad. maybe when you have your own children, youll understand what its like....❞
Me:
❝I know, I realized after I sent that message that you turned fifty one on your birthday.
And you talked to me a few days before my birthday, but not on my birthday. I know for a fact, because I kept Marty's phone next to me that whole day, expecting calls, and didn't get any.
And, Dad, what I want you to understand is that it's not just about how you treat your kids. It's about how you treat EVERYONE. I don't need to have kids to know that people aren't going to want to be around me if I constantly pick at them and their life choices, or if I can't admit when I'm wrong.❞
Dad:
❝"ve sat here pretty much all day thinking on your e-mails.When it dawned on me... I cant remember when you have had anything good to say about me as a dad, and now as a person. I can take your criteek of me, because its how you feel. and I respect that. on the other side of the coin, i gave my opinion, and ive become some sort of ass to you. should i have responded to you as harshly as you have done to me. NO i think not. YOU have chosen to distance yourself from this whole family, so how can anyone exspect to overcome any poor situations..... think about Aren. nobody wants to hear you doing poorly.. but thats all they know of you. thats the impression you put out there!!❞
Me:
❝Oh, come on. I've said plenty of good things about you. You're just dwelling on all the negatives because you're having a rough time, and focusing on how other people are at fault for the issues at hand is easier than looking inside of yourself and trying to figure out what part you play in things (and that's a general statement and not aimed directly at you--no one likes to think that they might have caused problems; it's easier to point fingers at others than at yourself).
And it's not your opinion that left a bad taste in my mouth. It's how (and what) you communicate. You just say whatever it is that you're thinking without taking into consideration how it might make people feel, and you think that they shouldn't get upset, because you're just speaking your mind. But look, I'm just speaking MY mind in these messages, and it obviously isn't making you feel too great.
Sometimes you need to stop and think, "Is saying these things actually going to benefit the other person in any way, or is it only going to make them feel bad?". For example: For whatever reason, you don't like Marty, and that's fine. You don't have to. But I DO like him, and I choose to be with him. Yes, some things aren't perfect, but he's the person I'm with, so you just need to accept that and not tell me about how you think I should leave him. Yes, that's what you think, but telling ME that doesn't benefit either of us; it just makes me resent you for not accepting the person I'm with, and it doesn't change the fact that I'm with him. Do you understand what I'm getting at?
The fact that I didn't bring any of this stuff up to you for years is another good example. I just sat there and let you go off about this and that, and whether you realize it or not, you tore me down a lot. When you'd be talking to me about something, you'd often say, "Don't think of this as me talking to you as a father; think of this as me just talking to you as a person.", and then you'd rip into me. But the fact is, you're my father no matter what disclaimers you put out there, and when you tear me down or point out my faults, you're doing it as my father, and it's harsh.
But I'm bringing this up to you NOW, because, as an adult, I'd LIKE to be able to have a good relationship with you, where we can talk about things and be RESPECTFUL of each other. It would be really nice if I could be honest with you about things that are going on in my life without having to worry about you going off about whatever it is I'm talking about. It would be GREAT if I could talk to you as a DAUGHTER talking to her FATHER, and also as an ADULT talking to an ADULT.
And that's why I'm being honest with you now. Because I don't know if you realize that the way you treat people (including myself) and talk to them is harsh (and there's a difference between being harsh and being honest, by the way), and oftentimes, it pushes them away from you. I don't want that. That's why I keep suggesting that you stop and look at yourself, so that maybe you can see and realize that what I'm saying isn't an attack, it's a true observation, and I'm only pointing it out to try to help you salvage some relationships that might otherwise fall apart.
And I haven't distanced myself from the whole family. I still call grandma, and she and I chit-chat about this, that, and the other, and she fills me in on everything that's going on. And, anyway, it's not my job exclusively to stay in touch with everyone. Yes, I don't make it a habit to call everyone, but they don't call me either, and, to be honest, I'm pretty sure that the only one that's bothered by it is you. Just because I'm not always visiting and calling and all that doesn't mean that I don't care about the family, and I don't assume because they don't call and visit me, that they don't care about me. And I don't think any of us need to feel guilty about not being in touch.
And as for impressions, I'm not really putting ANY impressions out there. When I do talk to people in the family, I'm cheerful and happy to see them. But since I don't talk to anybody except for grandma and you on a regular basis, there's really no way for me to be putting any sort of impression out there to indicate that my life is going one way or the other. And, honestly, if people get the "impression" that I'm doing poorly because I'm in a happy three-year-long relationship, and I have a house with my boyfriend, that's an issue with them; not with me.
I kinda think that the only one that has the impression that I'm doing "poorly" is you. And I know that part of that is that I don't have some of the things that you think I should have. But what you fail to realize is that, right now, I'm happy with what I've got. And THAT should be enough to make YOU happy. It shouldn't be about what I don't have and where I'm lacking. It should be about what I DO have, and where I'm thriving. And I wish you'd focus on those things more often. If you ever wanted to call and talk about that sort of stuff, I'd be pleased as punch. It's the fact that, more often than not, our conversations tend to focus more on where you think I need work that makes me hesitant to call you.
I sincerely hope that you consider this message as a whole, rather than focus on little bits and pieces that you can argue. I'm telling you these things because I want you to get to a place where you can have better, closer relationships with the people around you. And I hope you realize that you've said some things that have hurt me DEEPLY, and I'm STILL taking the time to type these messages up because I LOVE you and need you to understand that things need to change.❞
Whew. That last one took forever to type up.
(Sigh.) I kinda feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall...