(no subject)
got coffee with tyler tonight.
he wants to marry ryan. straight up.
and i honestly think it might happen.
but i don't understand it.
it doesn't make any sense. why doesn't it make sense? ever since i was a kid, a little girl, playing gameboy with my hat on backwards, i wanted to find my male counterpart. then i went to college and found him. so why is it like this?
i've asked this over and over again--why why why why why is it like this?
it's interesting though because tyler isn't like me. he's different than me and ryan, so he doesn't replace me in a lot of those areas. i walked in to spyhouse and coffee by sylvan esso was playing.
"funny," i say, putting my mug down and glancing upwards. "this song reminds me of ryan. perfect timing, huh?"
then broods comes on.
"i love this band," i grin.
"who are they?"
"broods. you know lorde? same producer."
"oh--yeah, i recognize this song," tyler says. "what's it called?"
"'pretty thing'," i say.
"yeah! ryan sent this to me last week."
i fight to keep the smile on my face and force the words out between my lips. "aw."
remember when i showed you this band? remember when you sang this song about me? how dare you take it away from me and give it to someone else.
but my boy will replace ryan in most areas. i refuse to date someone who can't share records with me. i refuse to date anyone who isn't stunting in their clothes. i refuse to date anyone who doesn't sing and dance.
and so ryan gets to keep me--but i won't be able to keep him.
"but that's why we're so tight--because we've had to fight for our friendship."
"it's like a marriage, almost."
"yeah, kinda. actually, no, it totally is," i grin.
"were you--i mean," he hesitates. "have you guys ever been, like, attracted to each other?"
"uhh--" i falter. "yeah, i mean, but like, back in the day i had a crush on him for a while--but not now, it's not a thing, he's literally like my twin brother. he's all yours," i say, waving my hands.
"okay. it's just--y'know, him being bisexual, like, everyone is an option for him--"
"i know," i laugh. "but you're safe, i promise."
it makes me feel like crying, but then he calls me and talks to me and it feels better.
i have so many emotions and i don't know how to feel them. it's kinda like running on my shin splints--i can feel it under the surface, but i'm still keeping pace, so i can't stop because when i do, it'll hurt worse. and i'm causing more damage by continuing to run but the fear of pain is preventing me from seeing the big picture.
i will not be one more person on the list of people who can't be friends with ryan because they love him.
i will not be one of those people.
i am not one of those people.
i don't love you like that.
i'll repeat it and keep repeating it until one morning i wake up and it's true.
it happened once--i know it can happen again.
i know it can happen again.
he wants to marry ryan. straight up.
and i honestly think it might happen.
but i don't understand it.
it doesn't make any sense. why doesn't it make sense? ever since i was a kid, a little girl, playing gameboy with my hat on backwards, i wanted to find my male counterpart. then i went to college and found him. so why is it like this?
i've asked this over and over again--why why why why why is it like this?
it's interesting though because tyler isn't like me. he's different than me and ryan, so he doesn't replace me in a lot of those areas. i walked in to spyhouse and coffee by sylvan esso was playing.
"funny," i say, putting my mug down and glancing upwards. "this song reminds me of ryan. perfect timing, huh?"
then broods comes on.
"i love this band," i grin.
"who are they?"
"broods. you know lorde? same producer."
"oh--yeah, i recognize this song," tyler says. "what's it called?"
"'pretty thing'," i say.
"yeah! ryan sent this to me last week."
i fight to keep the smile on my face and force the words out between my lips. "aw."
remember when i showed you this band? remember when you sang this song about me? how dare you take it away from me and give it to someone else.
but my boy will replace ryan in most areas. i refuse to date someone who can't share records with me. i refuse to date anyone who isn't stunting in their clothes. i refuse to date anyone who doesn't sing and dance.
and so ryan gets to keep me--but i won't be able to keep him.
"but that's why we're so tight--because we've had to fight for our friendship."
"it's like a marriage, almost."
"yeah, kinda. actually, no, it totally is," i grin.
"were you--i mean," he hesitates. "have you guys ever been, like, attracted to each other?"
"uhh--" i falter. "yeah, i mean, but like, back in the day i had a crush on him for a while--but not now, it's not a thing, he's literally like my twin brother. he's all yours," i say, waving my hands.
"okay. it's just--y'know, him being bisexual, like, everyone is an option for him--"
"i know," i laugh. "but you're safe, i promise."
it makes me feel like crying, but then he calls me and talks to me and it feels better.
i have so many emotions and i don't know how to feel them. it's kinda like running on my shin splints--i can feel it under the surface, but i'm still keeping pace, so i can't stop because when i do, it'll hurt worse. and i'm causing more damage by continuing to run but the fear of pain is preventing me from seeing the big picture.
i will not be one more person on the list of people who can't be friends with ryan because they love him.
i will not be one of those people.
i am not one of those people.
i don't love you like that.
i'll repeat it and keep repeating it until one morning i wake up and it's true.
it happened once--i know it can happen again.
i know it can happen again.