The Dirt Whispered, Ch. 1
I could hear his laughter, and I wasn’t even down the stairs yet.
No matter how much I try to remember what happened that day, to remind myself of all the ways it ruined everything, I can’t help but smile, because the first thing I remember is the sound of his laughter. It was that telltale giggle, like he was surprised that what he’d just been told was actually funny, and when I emerged from the stairway and wandered into the kitchen, I found him talking to Nick.
That made me smile too, I remember. Nick had said something funny, just a few moments before I walked in. That wasn’t really surprising. Most people don’t realize how fast his wit is; it catches us off-guard sometimes too, and we’ve known him his whole life, and that was obviously what had just happened to Kevin.
Nick is still funny, in that sharp-tongued way. He hasn’t made Kevin laugh in a long time, though, hasn’t even gone to visit him. I think he’s afraid to see him; it’s his fault he’s in the home anyway. Everyone tells him that it would have happened eventually, even if he hadn’t hurt him so badly that day, but I don’t. He broke Kevin. He’d still be whole, and strong, and beautiful (but he’s still beautiful, in his new fragile way), if it hadn’t been for Nick. I don’t pretend to my little brother that I’ve forgiven him. He seems okay with it; he seems to appreciate that I will never just let it go, because it gives him a reason to continue hating himself for it.
I love him, really, but I hope he hates himself for the rest of his life, since he’s already stolen a year of Kevin’s.
And, that morning started so well. It still seems like a trick, like God really just wanted to keep us from expecting it. When I walked into the kitchen, Kevin’s eyes immediately caught on me, and in the way he looked at me, I knew he thought I was beautiful, and it almost made me laugh, because I hadn’t even showered. I looked and felt grungy and gross, but I needed breakfast before I could even think of remedying that.
He poured me a glass of orange juice and laid out a bagel for me (with jelly, just the way I like it; he was so good to me), and I joined him and Nick at the island. I sat in the middle. Nick and Kevin were both drinking coffee. Their mugs matched, which was why I was sitting in the middle. Kevin needed me to be in the middle, so that there was a pattern that made sense - mug of coffee, glass of orange juice, mug of coffee. If our parents ate with us, since they both drank coffee too, they would have to be on either end as well, so that I was literally in the center of everyone.
I sometimes thought Kevin just liked to make sure everyone was looking at me. I know better now; it had nothing to do with me at all.
“What’s so funny?” I asked around a bite of my bagel. I swallowed it before I could be scolded for talking with my mouth full.
He smiled at me, his elbow resting on the back of my chair, his fingers toying with the curls at the nape of my neck. He couldn’t seem to quite get his eyes off of me for a moment. I loved that. I could completely monopolize his attention. I wished he wasn’t dressed already; I was going to drag him into the shower with me. He nodded over toward Nick, shrugging teasingly. “Had to be there.”
Nick snickered, and I glared at him. “You know, it sucks to be on the outside of an inside joke.”
“Then, maybe you should get up earlier so you can be on the inside.” Kevin teased, pressing a kiss to my temple, and I leaned into him easily.
Nick made a gagging noise, draining his coffee and standing up. Immediately, Kevin moved to take his seat. It was a quirk. There were four chairs, right in a row. He needed us to be in the middle. We had stopped wondering about it a long time ago.
“You need to get ready, Joe.” Nick was placing his coffee cup in the sink, turning to look at me, and I could see the smile he was trying to hide at how easily Kevin and I fit together. He saw us this way, and I think he was the only one who really understood it. It was the reason we couldn’t deny him a place in our mini-posse. He just belonged with us, in a different way, but just as much as Kevin and I belonged together. “We have to leave in forty-five minutes.”
I rolled my eyes. So basically Nick. I think every fan we had back then knew him as the control-freak serious one. He wasn’t always like that, but he certainly could be. “Yes, Dad.” I grumbled, pushing myself to my feet and dropping a kiss on Kevin’s head, taking my bagel with me as I trudged back up the stairs.
I could hear them talking, even when I was gone. Now, I kind of wish I’d stayed.
---------------------------------
He was laughing again, when I came out of the dressing room of the studio where we were doing a photo shoot. I always seemed to find him when he was laughing. It was part of what drew me to him; I could find him anywhere, just by the sound of his voice. He was talking to the photographer. He was the one who always made sure everyone knew we appreciated whoever did anything for us, even if it was a magazine photographer who got paid to do it. He was always eternally grateful to anyone who had taken the time to show faith in us; he needed that reassurance. His fear of rejection, or disapproval, was always a little more intense than mine, or Nick’s.
As soon as he saw me, he excused himself with a smile and tossed his head at me, and I followed him off down an empty corridor. We had a few minutes before the actual shoot, and I knew that look; he hadn’t gotten me to himself today, and he wanted to change it. So, as soon as we’d woven our way far enough from the set to make it hard to find us, he pressed me up against the wall, with his arm around my waist, and kissed me.
“Well, hello there.” He was a flirt, even with me, even though he had (has) me wrapped around his finger.
“Hi,” I smiled, curling my fingers into his shirt and drawing him in to kiss me again. Our tongues met lazily, and he tilted his head a little to the side. It wasn’t demanding or needy. He knew just how to kiss me, just slowly enough to make me feel like I was waiting for something - not in a bad way, but the way that made my stomach flutter with anticipation. I was never really disappointed if I never got any of the things his kisses promised; the kisses themselves were more than I deserved from him.
We didn’t say anything else. We just held each other and kissed, until we both felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I groaned, fishing it out, and flicked it open, wrapping one of the curls at his neck around my finger as I read it. “Nicholas demands to know where Paul and Joseph are.” I cracked a smile when he chuckled.
“We might as well not make him any angrier.” Kevin shook his head, but pushed himself up against me again, pinning me to the wall in order to kiss me again, before taking my hand and leading me back down toward the set.
To this day, I wish we hadn’t gone to that photo shoot. Maybe everything would be okay, if we had just spent that day lounging around at home in our pajamas. Too late to do anything about it now, I guess.