The Dirt Whispered, Ch. 19
I know Kevin is starting to feel at home when he answers my phone without asking me if it’s okay. I smile over at him when he says, “Hello?” like he’s really excited for the prospect of whoever’s on the other end. I wonder when the last time he held a phone was. I watch his face. His expression brightens, and I know instinctively that he’s talking to Nick. I’m not sure about the emotions that rush through me. Part of me - most of me - still hates him. He started this; he helped break Kevin. But… at the same time, I mean, Kevin is always so happy to hear from him. I mean, the fact that the first smile we saw from him in a year was when Nick came to see him for the first time has to mean something. Kevin doesn’t hold anything against him; he doesn’t hold him responsible. I’m not sure if I should either, but I can’t seem to help it.
So when Kevin hands me the phone, and Nick is there on the other end, asking if he could come visit, my first response is a resounding No. I don’t even think about it. I don’t want him here, where Kevin is just starting to feel comfortable. I don’t want him to ruin this. I’m not letting anyone hurt Kevin again. Both of my brothers seem baffled by the answer. Kevin immediately asks why, even though he only hears one half of the conversation. “I want to see him, Joe.” He says earnestly, sitting down on the couch beside me. “He’s my little brother. Please let him come.”
I sigh. I stare up into those big eyes that I have yet to be able to tell no. I don’t say no this time either.
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Nick and I didn’t really start talking again until about three months before Kevin was out of the hospital. We had nothing to say to each other, really. Whenever we saw each other, or had an opportunity to speak, I wanted to strangle him, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t feel so hot about getting death glares.
The first time I called him, it was because I had suddenly realized I was completely alone, and I was crying and babbling on the phone with him, and it took me about an hour to realize that I just needed someone to talk to, because Kevin couldn’t really be that person for me. so, one day, I picked up the phone without really thinking about it, and I think we were both surprised when he answered.
“Nick?”
He immediately started to worry. “Joe? What’s wrong? Is Kevin okay? Did something happen?”
I shook my head. Any other time I probably would have smiled. “No, everything’s fine, Nick; I just…” I sighed, rubbing my fingers through my hair. It was getting too long; I would need to cut it soon. “I just needed to… talk, I guess.”
He was quiet for a while, like he was thinking about that. There was a shuffling sound, like he was shifting. “Okay… do you… want me to come over? We’re in LA…”
I didn’t think I would ever be so relieved at the chance to see my little brother. I nodded before I thought about it, too eager to even care that he couldn’t see me. “Please? I mean, I would understand if you didn’t want to.”
“Don’t be stupid.” Oh, the Nick I know and love. “I’ll be there in half an hour.”
I can’t remember how exactly it happened, but he was there in exactly thirty-three minutes, and somehow, we ended up in the longest hug we’d ever given each other. I don’t even know why, but I hadn’t felt that relieved to see my little brother in so long.
It was our falling-in. We hadn’t spoken in months. He’d been on tour, too scared to try to talk to me or to come and see Kevin. I had been too angry to try to contact him. But, now, none of that really seemed to matter. We sat in my kitchen, talking for hours. He was drinking coffee; I was drinking hot chocolate. He told me all about how weird it was to be on tour without Kevin and me, especially since it meant he had no one to really talk to except our parents. I explained to him all the things that made it hard to be Kevin’s connection to the outside world.
“So, do you need help?”
I blinked up at him, confused by the question. “Help with what?”
Nick shrugged, tracing the rim of his coffee mug with his fingertip. “Well… with Kevin. I mean, having someone to help you out, go with you to see him…”
“No.” We were both surprised by how quickly I responded. I took a sip of my cocoa, swallowed hard. “I just… I don’t know if… I don’t know how he would react to seeing you. I mean, he’s so fragile…”
Nick chuckled, shaking his head. “He’s stronger than you give him credit for, Joe. He’s been holding us up all these years.”
“Yeah, and he broke under the pressure.”
The statement was followed by a rather interesting silence. He took a sip of his coffee, sighed. “Well, if you don’t want me there, I won’t go. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t talk, Joe. I’m still here if you need help with anything, and I’m here if you just need someone to talk to.” He paused. “Has… Has he said anything about… you know, you two?”
I stared down into the depths of my drink. Part of me wanted to drown in it. “We’re brothers.” My voice was soft. I shrugged. “I can’t expect much more.”
Nick reached over and squeezed my hand. The action made me feel worse.
I’m thinking about that moment, that time between my little brother and me, when Kevin runs to answer the door. Nick’s had a key to my apartment since that day; I wonder why he didn’t just walk in. I’m sitting on the couch waiting for them for a long time. Finally, I get up to go see what’s taking them so long.
I’m caught between smiling and feeling some sort of odd jealousy at the sight of the hug they’re sharing. Kevin’s crying, and I wonder if I’m selfish for keeping him all to myself. It makes me feel a little better to hear his soft laughter when Nick says something against his ear, and I realize how much we need each other - all three of us - in order to function properly.
I leave them there, go into the kitchen and make some coffee. When I come out with two mugs, they’ve moved to the couch. They’re sitting close together, talking, and Kevin has this look on his face that brings the jealousy bubbling up again. It vanishes when I set the coffee on the table, and he lifts his head to smile at me, and in another second, he snags me around the waist and tugs me down into his lap, folding his hands against my hip.
Nick laughs, shaking his head. “It’s like you guys haven’t changed at all.”
“We have though.” I point out, toying lightly with a strand of Kevin’s hair, an affectionate smile on my face.
He presses a kiss to my cheek. “But, that’s okay. Change is good sometimes.”