The Dirt Whispered, Ch. 21
There's something comforting about watching Kevin tying a tie. It's one of those image that just screams "Kevin" for me. His fingers are so soft, so quick, because he's done this so many times - for himself, for me (and there is a reason I never learned how to do it myself...). Now I'm sitting on the closed toilet, watching him fluff at his hair, straighten his clothes, and eventually, he turns a smile in my direction. "It's no fun getting ready for a date when you're watching me. You aren't going to appreciate the complete look now."
"I appreciate every look." I counter, reaching over to straighten our toothbrushes in the cup by the sink. I like how they look lounging there together. It's one of those things I knew I would love about living with him. "Besides, I sleep next to you. Watch you drool and stuff. I've seen you at your worst."
Kevin snorts, doesn't miss a beat. "You're just jealous that my worst is better than your best."
I feign injury, clutching my heart. "Ouch, Kev!" I push myself to my feet, aim a kick at his ass as I move past him. "Some lover you are. I'm going to watch TV while you preen."
He just sticks his tongue out at me.
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I made reservations at a small Italian restaurant on the edge of the city. It's quaint and cozy, and the chances of paparazzi finding us (if they're even looking anymore) are slim in a place like this.
We get a few looks from people who recognize our faces, but no one approaches us. I assume that living in LA means they're used to recognizing people. We get a table near a window in the back corner. It's intimate, almost to the point of cheesiness, but I can tell by the way Kevin is beaming that he loves it. "We should go to Italy." He suggests, looking around, and I realize he hasn't been out in public for a long time. "Just the two of us. Like a vacation." He blushes suddenly, unfolding his napkin and laying it across his lap. "Not that I've really been working or anything, but still."
"Kevin, you have been working." I shake my head, smiling, and I don't care who's watching as I reach for his hand across the table. I like the way his fingers fold against mine. "You've been putting yourself back together. That's more work than I've done in the last year by a lot."
He chuckles. His eyes are shining, and I don't know if it's because of the candles on the table or that glow he's always had is returning. Either way, it's beautiful. I want to kiss him.
Our waiter comes, breaks my trance, and we order pasta between laughter and "I love you"s and I wonder why we never took the chance to go out like this when we were together before. I answer my own question, of course. Like we would have been able to even get out of the house without someone snapping out picture.
We eat in silence for a while. I'm feeling warm and relaxed. The lighting is soft. There's a violin playing a slow song from some hidden speaker. Kevin's curls are tousled, like he didn't quite style them successfully, and I notice suddenly how long his hair has gotten; that one curl tornadoes down over his left eye, and I fall in love with him all over again for how young he looks. He's lost the exhaustion he's been carrying in his face for the past few months.
I don't know I'm staring at him until he blushes again, pushing his tortellini around on his plate with his fork. "What?" God, he's beautiful.
I shake my head, smiling. Beaming, really. "I love you."
He brings my hand to his lips, kisses my knuckles. "I love you too." I love him even more for not making me explain why I said it. I couldn't if I tried. Then again, we've never needed words.
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I got a call from the home on a Wednesday, asking if it would be possible for me to come see Kevin that day. I wasn't sure why it made me so nervous to hear that question, but I agreed and left my office immediately, asking my secretary to cancel my afternoon meetings and reschedule them with my apologies. It sounds weird saying those things. I mean, I have an office and a secretary, I have meetings to cancel. My life has changed so much over the course of a year.
But, as I drove to see Kevin, I didn't care. It didn't matter that I wasn't singing anymore. I just needed Kevin. I was sure of that. I'm still sure of that. If I'm able to wake up beside him, and hear his laughter, my heart will sing, and that is more important than the rest of me singing. I only need one person to hear those songs.
Susie met me at the door, giving me a grateful smile. "I'm sure he told you about his medication changes?" I nodded. "Well, he's feeling very vulnerable. Today, he was begging to see you. We decided it would be best if you came. We want to avoid him having panic attacks."
I knew what she meant when I turned the corner into his room. He looked miserable, exhausted, nervous, curled up in the corner of his bed. "Oh, Kev," I breathed, rushing over to him. He was in my arms as soon as I was close enough. I sat down on the edge of the bed; he curled up beside me. He was crying, sobbing softly against my neck. "Shh," I rubbed his back, kissed his hair. "It's okay, Kev. Everything's okay."
"I know." He whispered, his hand curled in my shirt. God, when did he get so small? "I know it. is. That scares me so much."
I was confused. I had no idea what he was talking about or where he was going with this. It sounded like so much useless babbling, more words that couldn't explain to me why Kevin was the way he was. "Why does it scare you, Kev?" The nurse was gone, but part of me knew she was close by in case I needed her. "It shouldn't scare you that things are okay."
"It does though." He pulled away from me, letting me see his face, beautiful in spite of, or perhaps due to, its despair. He shook his head, sniffling and leaning against me. I liked the way his head fit into the crook of my shoulder. "It's just... I think about leaving here, and all I can think about is you. All I want is to be with you and..." He trailed off. My heart was pounding. "It scares me. I want to be with you, Joe. I've never stopped loving you. It's just... I've been trying so hard to push that away. I wanted to save us. I didn't want anyone else to think we were disgusting or abnormal."
Hatred for Nick surged through me again. "Kev..." My throat closed before I could get anything else out. My heart just continued thudding loudly in my ears. I wanted to mute it. I didn't want to miss whatever my brother was about to say.
He shook his head, sniffling. "I love you, Joe. I want to be with you. Is it okay for me to want that, even though it scares me?"
My eyes were welling up with tears. I thought for a moment that maybe I was dreaming again. It wasn't like I hadn't imagined this moment a thousand times over. "Oh, god, Kev," I tightened my arms around him, holding him against me. I pressed kisses to his hair, over and over, like that would help this sink in. "Kevin, yes. Yes! Of course it's okay!" I was crying now too because I'd been waiting, praying, that someday, this would happen. Someday, I would get him back.
I couldn't tell you now how long we sat there, holding onto each other. He stopped crying after a while, replacing the sobs with sleepy little sniffles. His arms were tight around my waist, his head tucked onto my shoulder. I was holding him close against my side, my cheek against his hair. We didn't speak. There was nothing else to say, nothing worth breaking this wonderful, understandable silence.
Susie appeared in the doorway, smiling softly at the sight of us, and I knew her presence meant it was time for me to go. Sighing, I detached myself from Kevin, standing up. The sleepy confusion in his eyes made me smile, and I realized he'd been asleep against my shoulder. "I've gotta go, babe." Oh, god, it felt good to be able to call him that. "Why don't you rest, okay? I'll be here on Saturday to see you again."
He nodded, and I wished he would just smile for me. But, I swallowed that. That would be another step. This was a big one, all on its own. I tucked him into his bed, stroking his curls back from his forehead. His eyes slipped closed as I bent to kiss his temple. "I love you." He whispered, nestling down into his blankets.
"I love you too, Kevin." I murmured back, stroking his hair. I didn't want to leave. Not now. I wanted to stay here with the boy who loved me. I backed out of the room, not wanting to take my eyes off him. I give Susie a lot of credit, because I couldn't bring myself to walk very fast toward the front door. The longer I could be close to Kevin, the better. The sun was setting when I stepped outside. I smiled up at the darkening sky. One day could change so much. I was looking forward to the sunrise.
"I appreciate every look." I counter, reaching over to straighten our toothbrushes in the cup by the sink. I like how they look lounging there together. It's one of those things I knew I would love about living with him. "Besides, I sleep next to you. Watch you drool and stuff. I've seen you at your worst."
Kevin snorts, doesn't miss a beat. "You're just jealous that my worst is better than your best."
I feign injury, clutching my heart. "Ouch, Kev!" I push myself to my feet, aim a kick at his ass as I move past him. "Some lover you are. I'm going to watch TV while you preen."
He just sticks his tongue out at me.
-----------------------------------------------
I made reservations at a small Italian restaurant on the edge of the city. It's quaint and cozy, and the chances of paparazzi finding us (if they're even looking anymore) are slim in a place like this.
We get a few looks from people who recognize our faces, but no one approaches us. I assume that living in LA means they're used to recognizing people. We get a table near a window in the back corner. It's intimate, almost to the point of cheesiness, but I can tell by the way Kevin is beaming that he loves it. "We should go to Italy." He suggests, looking around, and I realize he hasn't been out in public for a long time. "Just the two of us. Like a vacation." He blushes suddenly, unfolding his napkin and laying it across his lap. "Not that I've really been working or anything, but still."
"Kevin, you have been working." I shake my head, smiling, and I don't care who's watching as I reach for his hand across the table. I like the way his fingers fold against mine. "You've been putting yourself back together. That's more work than I've done in the last year by a lot."
He chuckles. His eyes are shining, and I don't know if it's because of the candles on the table or that glow he's always had is returning. Either way, it's beautiful. I want to kiss him.
Our waiter comes, breaks my trance, and we order pasta between laughter and "I love you"s and I wonder why we never took the chance to go out like this when we were together before. I answer my own question, of course. Like we would have been able to even get out of the house without someone snapping out picture.
We eat in silence for a while. I'm feeling warm and relaxed. The lighting is soft. There's a violin playing a slow song from some hidden speaker. Kevin's curls are tousled, like he didn't quite style them successfully, and I notice suddenly how long his hair has gotten; that one curl tornadoes down over his left eye, and I fall in love with him all over again for how young he looks. He's lost the exhaustion he's been carrying in his face for the past few months.
I don't know I'm staring at him until he blushes again, pushing his tortellini around on his plate with his fork. "What?" God, he's beautiful.
I shake my head, smiling. Beaming, really. "I love you."
He brings my hand to his lips, kisses my knuckles. "I love you too." I love him even more for not making me explain why I said it. I couldn't if I tried. Then again, we've never needed words.
-------
I got a call from the home on a Wednesday, asking if it would be possible for me to come see Kevin that day. I wasn't sure why it made me so nervous to hear that question, but I agreed and left my office immediately, asking my secretary to cancel my afternoon meetings and reschedule them with my apologies. It sounds weird saying those things. I mean, I have an office and a secretary, I have meetings to cancel. My life has changed so much over the course of a year.
But, as I drove to see Kevin, I didn't care. It didn't matter that I wasn't singing anymore. I just needed Kevin. I was sure of that. I'm still sure of that. If I'm able to wake up beside him, and hear his laughter, my heart will sing, and that is more important than the rest of me singing. I only need one person to hear those songs.
Susie met me at the door, giving me a grateful smile. "I'm sure he told you about his medication changes?" I nodded. "Well, he's feeling very vulnerable. Today, he was begging to see you. We decided it would be best if you came. We want to avoid him having panic attacks."
I knew what she meant when I turned the corner into his room. He looked miserable, exhausted, nervous, curled up in the corner of his bed. "Oh, Kev," I breathed, rushing over to him. He was in my arms as soon as I was close enough. I sat down on the edge of the bed; he curled up beside me. He was crying, sobbing softly against my neck. "Shh," I rubbed his back, kissed his hair. "It's okay, Kev. Everything's okay."
"I know." He whispered, his hand curled in my shirt. God, when did he get so small? "I know it. is. That scares me so much."
I was confused. I had no idea what he was talking about or where he was going with this. It sounded like so much useless babbling, more words that couldn't explain to me why Kevin was the way he was. "Why does it scare you, Kev?" The nurse was gone, but part of me knew she was close by in case I needed her. "It shouldn't scare you that things are okay."
"It does though." He pulled away from me, letting me see his face, beautiful in spite of, or perhaps due to, its despair. He shook his head, sniffling and leaning against me. I liked the way his head fit into the crook of my shoulder. "It's just... I think about leaving here, and all I can think about is you. All I want is to be with you and..." He trailed off. My heart was pounding. "It scares me. I want to be with you, Joe. I've never stopped loving you. It's just... I've been trying so hard to push that away. I wanted to save us. I didn't want anyone else to think we were disgusting or abnormal."
Hatred for Nick surged through me again. "Kev..." My throat closed before I could get anything else out. My heart just continued thudding loudly in my ears. I wanted to mute it. I didn't want to miss whatever my brother was about to say.
He shook his head, sniffling. "I love you, Joe. I want to be with you. Is it okay for me to want that, even though it scares me?"
My eyes were welling up with tears. I thought for a moment that maybe I was dreaming again. It wasn't like I hadn't imagined this moment a thousand times over. "Oh, god, Kev," I tightened my arms around him, holding him against me. I pressed kisses to his hair, over and over, like that would help this sink in. "Kevin, yes. Yes! Of course it's okay!" I was crying now too because I'd been waiting, praying, that someday, this would happen. Someday, I would get him back.
I couldn't tell you now how long we sat there, holding onto each other. He stopped crying after a while, replacing the sobs with sleepy little sniffles. His arms were tight around my waist, his head tucked onto my shoulder. I was holding him close against my side, my cheek against his hair. We didn't speak. There was nothing else to say, nothing worth breaking this wonderful, understandable silence.
Susie appeared in the doorway, smiling softly at the sight of us, and I knew her presence meant it was time for me to go. Sighing, I detached myself from Kevin, standing up. The sleepy confusion in his eyes made me smile, and I realized he'd been asleep against my shoulder. "I've gotta go, babe." Oh, god, it felt good to be able to call him that. "Why don't you rest, okay? I'll be here on Saturday to see you again."
He nodded, and I wished he would just smile for me. But, I swallowed that. That would be another step. This was a big one, all on its own. I tucked him into his bed, stroking his curls back from his forehead. His eyes slipped closed as I bent to kiss his temple. "I love you." He whispered, nestling down into his blankets.
"I love you too, Kevin." I murmured back, stroking his hair. I didn't want to leave. Not now. I wanted to stay here with the boy who loved me. I backed out of the room, not wanting to take my eyes off him. I give Susie a lot of credit, because I couldn't bring myself to walk very fast toward the front door. The longer I could be close to Kevin, the better. The sun was setting when I stepped outside. I smiled up at the darkening sky. One day could change so much. I was looking forward to the sunrise.