The Dirt Whispered, Ch. 22
A girl approaches us as we head toward the door of the restaurant. She's maybe seventeen, dark hair, excited blue eyes. She's obviously vacationing in LA, because in her hands, she's clutching an autograph book. She holds it out toward Kevin, smiling nervously. "Can I have you sign this? I'm a huge fan."
Kevin's smile is sweet, pleased, and I think seeing a fan reminds him someone cares about him. He takes the book and pen, asks her name - Allison - and writes out a short message of love and appreciation for her. His name looks strange at the bottom, like it's been a long time since he's scrawled out those looping letters. He passes the notebook to me.
As soon as his hands are empty, Allison's in his arms, hugging him tightly. He seems surprised, but gives a little giggle and hugs her back. "I'm glad you're okay." Her voice is soft, shy. "There were so many rumors about where you were, why the tour was cancelled. It's nice to see you're not sick or dead or anything."
I've never seen a softness in Kevin's face quite like he has now. His arms tighten around her. He whispers "Thank you" against her ear.
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He's quiet on the drive home, his eyes unfocused as he stares out the window. The only way I know he's even remotely with me is the way his thumb is stroking gently across the back of my hand. I'm not sure what he's thinking. I'm afraid I don't want to know. I wonder if it was a bad idea to bring him out like this. Maybe he wasn't ready for it. But, he asked. He wanted to leave the apartment for a while, and I don't really blame him. Staying home all the time can't be much better than being cooped up in the hospital.
Suddenly, he points off to his right. "Can we go down there?" His voice is soft.
I nod, pull my hand from his so I can make the turn without killing us. It takes me a moment to realize where I'm going. The beach. It's after dark, and when I pull into the parking lot that comes up to the edge of the sand, I can only make out a few people, mostly couples. We don't say anything as we both take off our socks and shoes. We're holding hands almost as soon as we leave the car.
"It's been years." He says quietly, and I know what he means. When was the last time our family came down to this beach, spent the day together? He tugs me over toward a stand of boulders that we both know very well. In their shadow, we shared our first kiss, talked about life, made love for the first time, deep in a summer night. The sand on my feet now feels like walking across the carpet of the house I grew up in; I know it so well.
We settle on the far side of the rocks, away from the other beachgoers. I sink into his arms and watch the moon over the water. It's so still. The waves lap. I can just make out the soft murmurs of other lovers. I'm not sure what we're doing here, but we are on a date, and there are few places as romantic as this one, at least for us. I finally venture to ask, with my head on his chest. "Are you alright?"
He doesn't answer for a long time. I don't know what he's thinking, and that makes me nervous. I've forgotten what it's like to be able to read his mind. But, I suppose his mind's a little different now. Finally, he takes a breath and says, "I'm alright, love."
Oh, my god. My breath catches. When was the last time he called me that? "Oh, god, Kev, I love you so much." I draw him down for a kiss, my arm tight around his neck. I don't care that he seems surprised. I don't care that I have sand in my hair or that the rock is digging into my back. None of that matters. He's pressing against me and we're falling back, and it's all so innocent, lovely. We're touching and kissing, and somewhere in the middle of it all, we both start laughing.
I doze with my head on his chest what feels like hours later. His fingers toy with my hair, and my eyes flutter as they gaze up at the moon. The warm night wraps us up in a cocoon of bliss. I think about all the nights we've fallen asleep like this. I think about the nights when I never thought I'd hold him again. Tonight seems too good to be true. It seems like all the things I've been waiting for, coming to me all at once.
"Joe?" His voice is quiet. He doesn't want to wake me if I'm asleep. I'm almost there, right on the edge of consciousness. A few more pulls of those fingers through my hair, and I'll be gone.
"Hm?" is all I manage as a response. I hear a splash and wonder if fish are jumping. Maybe their mermaids, looking for a glimpse of Prince Kevin. I giggle inwardly at the thought. Too bad, ladies. He's mine.
His voice is soft, scared of how I'm going to answer: "Why did Mom and Dad stop coming to see me?"
I bristle. I knew tonight was too good to be true. That girl in the restaurant reminded him that other people besides me should care about where his is and how he's doing. No wonder he's been so quiet since we left. I swallow hard on my resentment, keep my voice even, hide the bitterness. "They went with Nick on tour. You know that."
"His tour ended a month ago." His voice was knowing, aware of my attempt at easing the hurt. "Why didn't they come with you to visit? Why didn't they come with Nick to see me once I moved in with you? They know I'm out. Even if Nick didn't tell them, the hospital had to have told Dad..." He trails off, waiting for my answer.
I sigh, stare up at the moon. I wish she could answer for me. That would make this moment so much easier. "I hate that I have nothing to say. "I don't know, Kevin." I hate my own honesty. I suddenly hate a lot of things about this night. "I wish I knew."
Kevin nodes. I only know it because I feel his chin against the top of my head for a moment. He doesn't seem as upset as I expected him to be. "I want to see them."
I can't tell you how long I've dreaded those words.
Kevin's smile is sweet, pleased, and I think seeing a fan reminds him someone cares about him. He takes the book and pen, asks her name - Allison - and writes out a short message of love and appreciation for her. His name looks strange at the bottom, like it's been a long time since he's scrawled out those looping letters. He passes the notebook to me.
As soon as his hands are empty, Allison's in his arms, hugging him tightly. He seems surprised, but gives a little giggle and hugs her back. "I'm glad you're okay." Her voice is soft, shy. "There were so many rumors about where you were, why the tour was cancelled. It's nice to see you're not sick or dead or anything."
I've never seen a softness in Kevin's face quite like he has now. His arms tighten around her. He whispers "Thank you" against her ear.
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He's quiet on the drive home, his eyes unfocused as he stares out the window. The only way I know he's even remotely with me is the way his thumb is stroking gently across the back of my hand. I'm not sure what he's thinking. I'm afraid I don't want to know. I wonder if it was a bad idea to bring him out like this. Maybe he wasn't ready for it. But, he asked. He wanted to leave the apartment for a while, and I don't really blame him. Staying home all the time can't be much better than being cooped up in the hospital.
Suddenly, he points off to his right. "Can we go down there?" His voice is soft.
I nod, pull my hand from his so I can make the turn without killing us. It takes me a moment to realize where I'm going. The beach. It's after dark, and when I pull into the parking lot that comes up to the edge of the sand, I can only make out a few people, mostly couples. We don't say anything as we both take off our socks and shoes. We're holding hands almost as soon as we leave the car.
"It's been years." He says quietly, and I know what he means. When was the last time our family came down to this beach, spent the day together? He tugs me over toward a stand of boulders that we both know very well. In their shadow, we shared our first kiss, talked about life, made love for the first time, deep in a summer night. The sand on my feet now feels like walking across the carpet of the house I grew up in; I know it so well.
We settle on the far side of the rocks, away from the other beachgoers. I sink into his arms and watch the moon over the water. It's so still. The waves lap. I can just make out the soft murmurs of other lovers. I'm not sure what we're doing here, but we are on a date, and there are few places as romantic as this one, at least for us. I finally venture to ask, with my head on his chest. "Are you alright?"
He doesn't answer for a long time. I don't know what he's thinking, and that makes me nervous. I've forgotten what it's like to be able to read his mind. But, I suppose his mind's a little different now. Finally, he takes a breath and says, "I'm alright, love."
Oh, my god. My breath catches. When was the last time he called me that? "Oh, god, Kev, I love you so much." I draw him down for a kiss, my arm tight around his neck. I don't care that he seems surprised. I don't care that I have sand in my hair or that the rock is digging into my back. None of that matters. He's pressing against me and we're falling back, and it's all so innocent, lovely. We're touching and kissing, and somewhere in the middle of it all, we both start laughing.
I doze with my head on his chest what feels like hours later. His fingers toy with my hair, and my eyes flutter as they gaze up at the moon. The warm night wraps us up in a cocoon of bliss. I think about all the nights we've fallen asleep like this. I think about the nights when I never thought I'd hold him again. Tonight seems too good to be true. It seems like all the things I've been waiting for, coming to me all at once.
"Joe?" His voice is quiet. He doesn't want to wake me if I'm asleep. I'm almost there, right on the edge of consciousness. A few more pulls of those fingers through my hair, and I'll be gone.
"Hm?" is all I manage as a response. I hear a splash and wonder if fish are jumping. Maybe their mermaids, looking for a glimpse of Prince Kevin. I giggle inwardly at the thought. Too bad, ladies. He's mine.
His voice is soft, scared of how I'm going to answer: "Why did Mom and Dad stop coming to see me?"
I bristle. I knew tonight was too good to be true. That girl in the restaurant reminded him that other people besides me should care about where his is and how he's doing. No wonder he's been so quiet since we left. I swallow hard on my resentment, keep my voice even, hide the bitterness. "They went with Nick on tour. You know that."
"His tour ended a month ago." His voice was knowing, aware of my attempt at easing the hurt. "Why didn't they come with you to visit? Why didn't they come with Nick to see me once I moved in with you? They know I'm out. Even if Nick didn't tell them, the hospital had to have told Dad..." He trails off, waiting for my answer.
I sigh, stare up at the moon. I wish she could answer for me. That would make this moment so much easier. "I hate that I have nothing to say. "I don't know, Kevin." I hate my own honesty. I suddenly hate a lot of things about this night. "I wish I knew."
Kevin nodes. I only know it because I feel his chin against the top of my head for a moment. He doesn't seem as upset as I expected him to be. "I want to see them."
I can't tell you how long I've dreaded those words.