The Dirt Whispered, Ch. 24
The water's scalding, but I can't bring myself to care. I've been sitting in this bathtub for what feels like hours. To be honest, I'm not sure how I got here. I don't remember running the water or pouring in the bubble bath, but here I am, numbly staring at the wall. I can hear the clink of dishes from the kitchen. Kevin must be cleaning up. The realization makes my stomach lurch. Tonight meant so much to him, and I ruined it. I wish I could turn back the clock a few hours and try again, make it right. I'll have to make it up to him. Hopefully, this didn't ruin everything.
The door creaks open. Kevin slips in. My throat closes. I can't even apologize. He doesn't say anything. He just looks at me in that soft way he does and comes to sit on the edge of the tub. My lip trembles, and I rest my cheek against his knee. He strokes my hair. My sobs sound loud in the quiet room.
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The sun sneaks through a crack in my bedroom curtains. I blink slowly, registering the feeling of being a physical being. My legs are splayed out, and my hand beside my head looks strangely pale, like maybe I'm dead. The clock tells me it's just after eight. Dimly, I remember Kevin lifting me out of the bathtub, wrapping me up in a towel, tucking me me gently into bed. He's asleep beside me now, his arm tight around my waist. I can feel his breath against my neck, and it comforts me. I curl onto my side, nuzzling my nose into his throat. I'm trying not to think too hard. If I do, that desolate, hopeless feeling returns to my chest.
Kevin always seems to know when I'm awake. Even now, I feel him shifting. His hand smooths over my back, and I press a kiss to his shoulder. "Good morning, love." His voice is raspy with sleepy. I tip my head back, peer up at him. He's smiling. How can he possibly be smiling? I ruined everything.
"I'm sorry." I whisper, pressing my forehead against his chest. "I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't want... I didn't mean to lose my temper last night. I was just so... hurt, and they were being so stupid, and..."
"Sh..." His voice is soft, the kiss he silences me with is softer. "It's okay, love. I understand."
There's something about those words that makes my breath catch. He understands. He understands. "You don't hate me? I ruined everything..."
"No, you pointed out something that was right in front of me." Kevin's smile is gentle. He brushes his knuckles across my cheek. "You told them we don't need them, and you're right about that. We don't. We have each other, and we have Nick, and we'll be fine." He pauses, hesitates. "I told them. About us. About us being together."
I bristle. No. "Kev..." I shake my head, rest my hand against his chest. "No matter what they say, what we have is not disgusting." The words are fast, desperate. I can't lose him again, not to this.
He chuckles, shaking his head, and gently, he kisses me. There's something about the way he seems to take his time that reassures me, like he doesn't have to relay something awful. "I wouldn't have told them if I cared what they thought." He murmurs, pulling me close against him, brushing kisses across my shoulder. I'm naked, and he's only in his boxers, and being able to feel his skin against mine is wonderful. "I just wanted them to know that no matter what, you come first to me. And, Joe... they know. They've known for so long, and they just let us be."
I stare at him, winded by that. Our parents knew - know - that we're lovers, and... they've allowed it. They've been inadvertently supporting us all this time? "But..." I falter. I don't know what to say. It changes everything. But, it also changes nothing. "Is that why they just... abandoned us?"
He nods, brushing his fingers through my hair. I feel like a child. For some reason, I'm okay with that. "They didn't think they were abandoning us. They thought they were giving us space, letting us go." He pauses. "The doctors told them that I needed someone who could, and would, be able to devote themselves to being there for me while I was getting better. They knew they weren't going to be able to do that, because, well, there are four of us, and... they knew you would love me whole-heartedly through it all."
I don't say anything for a long time. They were right about that at least. My whole heart belongs unconditionally to Kevin. I can love him better than anyone. I do love him better than anyone. "That doesn't make it right." I say finally, nuzzling my nose against his neck, holding him close. "We needed them, and they forgot about us. They left us."
"You needed them." I can hear the smile in his voice. "I just needed you, love. They made a mistake - a bad mistake. They don't deserve our affection right now, but they don't deserve our hatred either."
I roll onto my back, smiling faintly up at him. I like it when he leans on my hand over me like this. It makes me feel like I'm lying in bed with a god. "How can you be so sweet and forgiving? I've been so angry at them... They just left us, you know? It was like they didn't care."
"Parents mess up too." Kevin points out, swirling his fingers across my skin. I'm pretty sure he's signing his name on my chest. He shrugs. "I think turning their focus on Nick made having a crazy son easier to deal with."
"You're not crazy." My response is automatic. I grin suddenly. "Crazy hot maybe. But not crazy."
He laughs, and in the next moment, we're kissing. I love how quiet the room becomes as I slip my arms around his neck, pulling him close. It's slow, and sweet, and reminds me again why I love him so much. His hands are roaming, and I moan softly as his fingertips light for a moment on the inside of my thigh, in the same teasing way they have a hundred times before. "Joe..." It's a whisper, like he's reminding himself who I am, and he breaks our kiss to push the blankets back. I don't bother being bashful as those beautiful eyes drink me up. He has this way of looking at me that makes me feel like a piece of art, and it's how he looks at me now. I shift, hold my arms out to him, and he melts against me again, and I fall in love for the thousandth time.
We don't make love. I didn't expect to. But, we spend a few hours lying there, tangled up together, kissing and touching and loving each other, and my heart is so filled with affection that I can't even feel the hurt anymore.
"Joe?" His voice is soft, as gentle as his fingers sliding down my leg, as his lips smoothing over my cheek. "Joe... you don't hate Nick, do you?"
"No." I'm surprised by how quickly I can say it. A week ago, that answer may have been different. I shake my head, nuzzling my nose against Kevin's, and we share another slow kiss. "No. I mean... he hurt you. He hurt you, and tore us apart, and I want to hate him for that, but... he's been the only one there for us this past year. He loves us, and he's trying so hard..."
"He stayed last night." Kevin comments quietly, his eyes closed. "He stayed while I talked to Mom and Dad. When they left, I was so upset, because I didn't realize how awful this whole thing has been for you, and he was just there... and he knew, and... Joe, we have the best brother in the world." He kisses me softly, his smile sweet. "He didn't hurt me, love. He said something he didn't mean, and I knew he didn't mean it. The only one who hurt me was me." His hand curls in mine, and even though we're naked, wrapped up together in our sheets, the most intimate part of this moment is the way he kisses my fingertips and smooths his lips across the lines in my palm. "Joe, I love you." He rests our foreheads together, clutching my hand to his heart. "And, that's the most important thing in my life. I shouldn't, and don't, care what anyone else thinks about us. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize that. And, I'm sorry I didn't realize how much I hurt you."
I don't know if I want to laugh or cry. The bubbling emotion inside me is hard to put a name to, and I end up with a choked little sob before leaning up to kiss me again. We don't speak again for a long time. It's one of times where no words are needed. There's something about his breathing, about the way his fingers tangle with mine, and the way his lips feel on my skin, that tells me everything is going to be fine.
I know that already. Everything is beautiful.
The door creaks open. Kevin slips in. My throat closes. I can't even apologize. He doesn't say anything. He just looks at me in that soft way he does and comes to sit on the edge of the tub. My lip trembles, and I rest my cheek against his knee. He strokes my hair. My sobs sound loud in the quiet room.
--------------------
The sun sneaks through a crack in my bedroom curtains. I blink slowly, registering the feeling of being a physical being. My legs are splayed out, and my hand beside my head looks strangely pale, like maybe I'm dead. The clock tells me it's just after eight. Dimly, I remember Kevin lifting me out of the bathtub, wrapping me up in a towel, tucking me me gently into bed. He's asleep beside me now, his arm tight around my waist. I can feel his breath against my neck, and it comforts me. I curl onto my side, nuzzling my nose into his throat. I'm trying not to think too hard. If I do, that desolate, hopeless feeling returns to my chest.
Kevin always seems to know when I'm awake. Even now, I feel him shifting. His hand smooths over my back, and I press a kiss to his shoulder. "Good morning, love." His voice is raspy with sleepy. I tip my head back, peer up at him. He's smiling. How can he possibly be smiling? I ruined everything.
"I'm sorry." I whisper, pressing my forehead against his chest. "I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't want... I didn't mean to lose my temper last night. I was just so... hurt, and they were being so stupid, and..."
"Sh..." His voice is soft, the kiss he silences me with is softer. "It's okay, love. I understand."
There's something about those words that makes my breath catch. He understands. He understands. "You don't hate me? I ruined everything..."
"No, you pointed out something that was right in front of me." Kevin's smile is gentle. He brushes his knuckles across my cheek. "You told them we don't need them, and you're right about that. We don't. We have each other, and we have Nick, and we'll be fine." He pauses, hesitates. "I told them. About us. About us being together."
I bristle. No. "Kev..." I shake my head, rest my hand against his chest. "No matter what they say, what we have is not disgusting." The words are fast, desperate. I can't lose him again, not to this.
He chuckles, shaking his head, and gently, he kisses me. There's something about the way he seems to take his time that reassures me, like he doesn't have to relay something awful. "I wouldn't have told them if I cared what they thought." He murmurs, pulling me close against him, brushing kisses across my shoulder. I'm naked, and he's only in his boxers, and being able to feel his skin against mine is wonderful. "I just wanted them to know that no matter what, you come first to me. And, Joe... they know. They've known for so long, and they just let us be."
I stare at him, winded by that. Our parents knew - know - that we're lovers, and... they've allowed it. They've been inadvertently supporting us all this time? "But..." I falter. I don't know what to say. It changes everything. But, it also changes nothing. "Is that why they just... abandoned us?"
He nods, brushing his fingers through my hair. I feel like a child. For some reason, I'm okay with that. "They didn't think they were abandoning us. They thought they were giving us space, letting us go." He pauses. "The doctors told them that I needed someone who could, and would, be able to devote themselves to being there for me while I was getting better. They knew they weren't going to be able to do that, because, well, there are four of us, and... they knew you would love me whole-heartedly through it all."
I don't say anything for a long time. They were right about that at least. My whole heart belongs unconditionally to Kevin. I can love him better than anyone. I do love him better than anyone. "That doesn't make it right." I say finally, nuzzling my nose against his neck, holding him close. "We needed them, and they forgot about us. They left us."
"You needed them." I can hear the smile in his voice. "I just needed you, love. They made a mistake - a bad mistake. They don't deserve our affection right now, but they don't deserve our hatred either."
I roll onto my back, smiling faintly up at him. I like it when he leans on my hand over me like this. It makes me feel like I'm lying in bed with a god. "How can you be so sweet and forgiving? I've been so angry at them... They just left us, you know? It was like they didn't care."
"Parents mess up too." Kevin points out, swirling his fingers across my skin. I'm pretty sure he's signing his name on my chest. He shrugs. "I think turning their focus on Nick made having a crazy son easier to deal with."
"You're not crazy." My response is automatic. I grin suddenly. "Crazy hot maybe. But not crazy."
He laughs, and in the next moment, we're kissing. I love how quiet the room becomes as I slip my arms around his neck, pulling him close. It's slow, and sweet, and reminds me again why I love him so much. His hands are roaming, and I moan softly as his fingertips light for a moment on the inside of my thigh, in the same teasing way they have a hundred times before. "Joe..." It's a whisper, like he's reminding himself who I am, and he breaks our kiss to push the blankets back. I don't bother being bashful as those beautiful eyes drink me up. He has this way of looking at me that makes me feel like a piece of art, and it's how he looks at me now. I shift, hold my arms out to him, and he melts against me again, and I fall in love for the thousandth time.
We don't make love. I didn't expect to. But, we spend a few hours lying there, tangled up together, kissing and touching and loving each other, and my heart is so filled with affection that I can't even feel the hurt anymore.
"Joe?" His voice is soft, as gentle as his fingers sliding down my leg, as his lips smoothing over my cheek. "Joe... you don't hate Nick, do you?"
"No." I'm surprised by how quickly I can say it. A week ago, that answer may have been different. I shake my head, nuzzling my nose against Kevin's, and we share another slow kiss. "No. I mean... he hurt you. He hurt you, and tore us apart, and I want to hate him for that, but... he's been the only one there for us this past year. He loves us, and he's trying so hard..."
"He stayed last night." Kevin comments quietly, his eyes closed. "He stayed while I talked to Mom and Dad. When they left, I was so upset, because I didn't realize how awful this whole thing has been for you, and he was just there... and he knew, and... Joe, we have the best brother in the world." He kisses me softly, his smile sweet. "He didn't hurt me, love. He said something he didn't mean, and I knew he didn't mean it. The only one who hurt me was me." His hand curls in mine, and even though we're naked, wrapped up together in our sheets, the most intimate part of this moment is the way he kisses my fingertips and smooths his lips across the lines in my palm. "Joe, I love you." He rests our foreheads together, clutching my hand to his heart. "And, that's the most important thing in my life. I shouldn't, and don't, care what anyone else thinks about us. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize that. And, I'm sorry I didn't realize how much I hurt you."
I don't know if I want to laugh or cry. The bubbling emotion inside me is hard to put a name to, and I end up with a choked little sob before leaning up to kiss me again. We don't speak again for a long time. It's one of times where no words are needed. There's something about his breathing, about the way his fingers tangle with mine, and the way his lips feel on my skin, that tells me everything is going to be fine.
I know that already. Everything is beautiful.