One-shot - Comfort
Title: Comfort
Pairings: Koyama/Tegoshi, Koyama/Shige
Prompt: #011 - Between
Words: ~5,000
Rating: PG-15
A/N: Written for je_prompts.
Summary: Whenever Koyama sleeps with Tegoshi, he always imagines that it's Shige he's with. But Tegoshi doesn't mind. At first.
“Koyama is my best friend.”
Even though the words make Koyama smile, it secretly hurts a little inside because that’s all he’ll ever be - Shige’s best friend in the whole wide world, close as close can be, but nothing more than that.
Koyama likes to be thankful for what he has, and knows that he should appreciate what he does have with Shige. He knows he should appreciate how much time they spend together, how Shige spoils him, the way that Shige sometimes falls asleep on him when they’re in the backseat of their manager’s car.
But while he knows this, it still makes him ache that they’re so close, yet still worlds apart from how he wants them to be.
It’s approaching the ninth anniversary of when they first met, and Koyama is feeling a little melancholy. It’s even closer to the ninth anniversary of when Koyama joined Johnny’s, and so Tegoshi invites him over to his apartment for some celebratory drinks.
“You seem a little down.” He says in an inappropriately happy voice as they crack open some beers. It makes Koyama sigh. Tegoshi is infamous for not being able to read the mood, so if even he can tell when someone isn’t happy, it must be really obvious.
“It’s nothing.” Koyama mumbles back, and downs the rest of his drink in one. Tegoshi shrugs. He’s not really the type to worry about others too much, so he doesn’t press the issue. He also knows that once Koyama drinks enough, he’ll open up anyway, and so Tegoshi is content to wait it out.
It doesn’t take long before Koyama is too drunk to sit up properly anymore and his eyes are a little wet.
“It’s just… Shige.” He says, spilling his heart out like Tegoshi had known he would. “We’ve been friends for so long, and it’ll be nine years soon, and that means I’ll have loved him for seven years and it hurts that he’ll never know it.”
Tegoshi nods. Koyama had told him how he felt about Shige quite a while ago, so this information isn't new to him. He hasn't told anyone else, but Tegoshi is so self-centred that in a funny way, Koyama had known he wouldn’t judge him. Whether Koyama liked girls or boys or Shige or Yamashita or anyone else, it doesn’t really affect Tegoshi, so he doesn’t think about it too much.
However, Tegoshi likes Koyama a lot. And when Koyama is sad, Tegoshi can’t help but think about it and want to fix it.
“You should go ahead and confess.” He tells him, like it’s that simple, but Koyama just shakes his head and looks miserable.
“Can’t.” He says. “I can’t risk losing Shige’s friendship. It’d kill me.”
“This is killing you too.” Tegoshi says pointedly, and Koyama smiles wryly at him.
“At least it’s doing it slowly.” He replies, and for once Tegoshi finds that he can’t argue.
“I kind of wish I could have him for one night.” Koyama goes on to admit, voice slurred from alcohol and trying to hold back his tears, “Just for one, to see what it could be like, and then we could go back to normal in the morning without me having to worry about losing him.”
It gets the cogs in Tegoshi’s head whirring, but it takes a few more beers even for shameless Tegoshi to consider voicing his idea aloud.
When he finally does, he puts his hand on Koyama’s knee and says. “What if you pretend?”
At first, he doesn’t understand or care about what Tegoshi’s saying, but eventually when his hand begins to creep up Koyama’s thigh, it makes him take notice.
“What if I pretend what?” He asks, as his face starts to feel hotter; he knows he’s gone red, and both of them can tell it’s not just because of the alcohol.
“I don’t like it when you’re sad.” Tegoshi says in a soft, low voice. “I want to make you feel better.”
Koyama gulps. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.”
Tegoshi giggles and leans in closer. “If you closed your eyes, would you be able to tell?” He asks, and Koyama has to swallow a gasp as Tegoshi’s fingers creep along the inside of his leg.
“You’re drunk.” He replies, avoiding answering the question, and Tegoshi giggles again.
“I know.” He says. “So are you.” He’s so close to Koyama that he can smell the clean scent of his skin mixed with the fragrance of his cologne. It’s oddly compelling.
“Tegoshi…” Koyama says slowly. “Do you even like boys that way?” Tegoshi notices that he’s not pushing him away, not trying to stop him.
“Girls or boys, it doesn’t really matter to me.” He admits. “In the end, we’re all human underneath.”
Coming from anyone else, the sentence would’ve sounded profound and meaningful, but coming from Tegoshi it somehow just sounds like he’s being greedy.
“You…” Koyama says, faltering as Tegoshi’s body presses against his. “You do… feel a bit like Shige.”
Tegoshi smiles.
“If you close your eyes, I can be him for as long as you want.”
That night, when Koyama comes, he calls out Shige’s name.
It’s not using him, Koyama reasons, if this is how Tegoshi wants it. They’re not in love. Tegoshi just wants to comfort him, maybe just wants to feel a warm body on top of his, and Koyama just wants to pretend he’s with Shige for a while. It’s a mutually beneficial agreement between two adults, and no one is getting hurt.
Every time they do it, it always feels a little strange to close his eyes and pretend the person in his arms is someone they’re not, but it never takes long for him to become immersed in the fantasy and let go. Tegoshi plays his part well, calling him “Koyama” instead of “Kei-chan”, and makes a surprisingly convincing Shige when Koyama isn't looking at his face.
He’d thought it would be awkward the morning after the first time, but when they’d woken up Tegoshi had just stretched, yawned and asked what was for breakfast. He didn’t snuggle up to Koyama, or give him a good morning kiss. Didn’t act like anything weird had happened between them the night before.
He should have guessed Tegoshi would be like this, Koyama realizes. He takes things as they come, doesn’t let them interfere with his established routine. And since Tegoshi wasn’t acting like last night was anything to be awkward about, Koyama found himself reacting the same way.
And really, there is no reason to act weird. Things between them now are exactly the same as they used to be, except that sometimes when Koyama gets depressed or lonely he goes over to Tegoshi’s apartment, and they go to his room - shut the curtains, turn off the lights, make sure it’s pitch black - where Koyama can pretend, just for the night.
The first time Tegoshi slips up and calls him, “Kei-chan” in a very Tegoshi-like voice when he finishes, it startles Koyama a little, but he doesn’t really think about it. It’s probably hard to play the part of somebody else, especially during sex. Koyama doesn’t fault Tegoshi for it. Can’t fault him for it.
Tegoshi, however, doesn’t let it go that easily. Of course he doesn’t bring it up, but he thinks about it a lot once Koyama has fallen asleep.
In his head, the Tegoshi who has sex with Kei-chan is a separate person from the usual Tegoshi. They both have different behavioural patterns, different ways of speaking; they even moan differently, not that Koyama would know that. So if the Tegoshi who sleeps with Kei-chan is calling him by the name that the usual Tegoshi calls him by, that can only mean one thing; the two personas are overlapping in his head.
It’s not a good thing, and he knows it. It messes with the whole dynamic of this agreement that he and Koyama have. But the problem is that Tegoshi doesn’t know what’s changed, much less how to change it back.
He’d known Koyama would be coming over tonight. Shige had spent the entire day talking about the date he was going on after work; the first he’d had in ages, he said, with a hot girl from his campus who’d he’d been trying to get to notice him forever, and how he was so excited about it.
Tegoshi saw Koyama grin and bear it, even saw him tease and congratulate Shige. But he’d also noticed Koyama catch his eye with a look in it that said he would need him once they were alone.
Tegoshi thinks it feels good, being needed. Even if it is for all the wrong reasons.
“You should just forget about him if it hurts this much.” Tegoshi says as they sit on the couch that evening.
“It’s unusual for you to say something like that.” Koyama replies dully.
Tegoshi shrugs. He doesn’t think so. He’s just saying what he thinks is the truth.
“Do you want me to make you feel better?” He asks, and Koyama chuckles dryly.
“Thank you.” He says in way of reply. Tegoshi leans closer and presses a kiss to his neck, and as usual, Koyama’s eyes slip shut at the first hint of affection. There’s no question as to who he’s seeing behind his eyelids.
Tegoshi climbs into his lap and starts to unbutton his shirt, planting soft kisses along his jaw as he does. They haven’t done it on the couch for quite a while; not since the first time. He wonders if that’s why it feels different tonight.
“Shige…” Koyama moans as Tegoshi’s fingers brush against his nipple, and it makes Tegoshi falter a little. He thinks hard about what he’s about to say, whether it’s a good idea or not. Whether it will only change things further. And then he realizes he doesn’t care anymore.
“Kei-chan,” He says softly, “Can you please not call me by that name tonight?”
Koyama’s eyes flutter open, and he looks a little surprised, a little perplexed, but is too far gone to argue.
“Okay.” He agrees, and Tegoshi smiles.
But as they fall asleep later, Tegoshi realizes that after that, Koyama hadn’t called him anything at all.
He resents it, Tegoshi figures out eventually, and thinks it shouldn’t have taken him so long to notice. He resents that he’s doing all this for Kei-chan, and yet it’s still Shige he’s thinking about while he’s inside Tegoshi.
It makes him moody, and more than a little jealous.
Tegoshi realizes that he’s falling for Koyama, but he’s not stupid enough to try and deny it - he already knows that it’d be a futile battle, and would probably hurt him more than if he just accepts it.
At first he wonders if he should leave things as they are, and keep sleeping with Koyama; keep letting him pretend that Tegoshi isn’t Tegoshi and be happy with the physical relationship they already have. But then he realizes that if he does, he’ll be mirroring the situation between Koyama and Shige in his own situation, and he knows firsthand where that leads.
He should take his own advice, Tegoshi decides, and confess. If Koyama can’t reciprocate, then at least he tried, and it’s not really any skin off Tegoshi’s nose. He’ll eventually fall out of love with anyone who rejects him, so in the end he has nothing to lose.
The next time Koyama comes to him for comfort, Tegoshi tries to make it more gentle and sensual than usual. He doesn’t try to mimic Shige’s personality, and lets his fingers and kisses linger, touching Koyama in all the places Tegoshi knows will drive him crazy. He can tell from the way that Koyama is moaning that he’s succeeding, but Tegoshi can’t tell whether Koyama knows it’s him or not.
When they’re finished and curled up together - Koyama always cuddles after sex, though he never does open his eyes - Tegoshi whispers in his ear, “That felt better than usual.”
“It did.” Koyama agrees, breath still heavy and uneven. His face is pressed into Tegoshi’s shoulder, and his fingers are resting on his hip. It makes Tegoshi’s heart beat a little faster than it should've.
“I love you.” He says, and the passion and tenderness in his own voice surprises him.
“I love you too, Shige.” Koyama replies, and Tegoshi thinks this might be what heartbreak feels like.
Now that Shige has a girlfriend, Koyama is spending less and less time with him and more and more time with Tegoshi. It’s obvious that it hurts Shige a bit, but Koyama can’t see any other option. If he carries on like normal and has to listen to Shige talk about that girl, it’ll tear his heart to bits. And faced with hurting Shige a little and hurting himself a lot, Koyama knows that he needs to choose the former option. After all, if there’s one thing that he’s learnt from Tegoshi after all this time, it’s that you have to take care of yourself first; otherwise no one will.
Their contact dwindles down to less than half of what it used to be, and even the other members start to notice. They don’t say anything about it, but it’s easy to tell from the way that they tread lightly around the topic of Koyama when they’re talking to Shige, and vice versa.
It comes to a head when Shige finally manages to corner Koyama once they’re alone in the same room. It hasn't happened for quite some time, probably because Koyama hasn't let it.
“Come over to my place after work today.” Shige says, and he's forced to agree because there’s no reason good reason not to. But fortunately for him, Tegoshi walks into the room while they’re still discussing their plans, and he comes up and joins them.
“That sounds fun.” He says, in his usual eager tone. “I should come too.” It’s almost as though he doesn’t know anything is wrong; as though he doesn’t notice the tension between them. It leaves Koyama wondering how often Tegoshi puts on an act around them. How many secrets he’s hiding.
Shige opens his mouth to say something, most likely some sort of protest, but then he closes it again. It’s impossible to refuse Tegoshi, and the best Shige manages is, “Stop inviting yourself along to things so freely,” which both he and Koyama know won’t stop him at all.
“Thank you.” Koyama says to him when they’re alone later, because he and Tegoshi know that eventually the topic of Shige’s girlfriend will come up, and he wouldn’t have been able to handle that by himself.
Tegoshi just gives him a blank looking smile, as if he doesn’t know what Koyama is so grateful to him for.
“Why?” He asks, and Koyama knows he can't possibly be that clueless. He remembers his previous thought, wondering why Tegoshi is so consumed by the need to hide his real thoughts and feelings.
“Tegoshi.” He says, “You don’t always have to hide what you're thinking, you know? You can be frank about things. You don't need to pretend with me.”
He’s answered with a smile and a soft laugh that he thinks sounds a little bitter. Koyama can’t understand why.
That night, as predicted, Shige turns the topic of conversation to his girlfriend. Koyama laughs a little uncomfortably when he gets to details he doesn’t want to hear about and moves a bit closer to Tegoshi. It’s like he’s been programmed to gravitate towards him when he needs comfort, and Tegoshi isn’t sure how he feels about that. He wants Koyama to depend on him, it's true, but he doesn't like the conditions it's under.
“You’re so mean.” Tegoshi says smoothly, segueing his way into the conversation. “Kei-chan and I don’t have girlfriends, and all you ever do is talk about yours. What if we get jealous?”
Shige flushes and staggers over his words.
“It’s not… it wouldn’t be hard for you guys to find girlfriends, though.” He says, but there’s a hint of an apology in his voice.
“It’s hard for anyone to find a good girlfriend.” Tegoshi counters, and when Shige looks away in embarrassment, Tegoshi turns to Koyama who is looking at him gratefully.
It makes him feel good about himself.
The topic of girls doesn’t come up again that night; Shige is too self-conscious to try and talk about it again, but despite this, Koyama’s spirits remain low for the rest of the evening. Shige notices this, but with Tegoshi there, he can’t say anything, and the exchanges between him and Koyama feels stilted and awkward.
But regardless of the uncomfortable atmosphere, Tegoshi manages to keep the conversation flowingthey and they lose track of the time, only noticing once it’s already gotten very late.
“You can stay over if you like.” Shige offers. “But I’ve only got one spare futon.”
Tegoshi smiles. “That’s okay. I'll sleep on that and Kei-chan will sleep on the couch.”
The fact that no one argues - that they actually go along with it without arguing - probably says something about how used to Tegoshi’s behaviour they both are.
He chooses to sleep on the floor by the couch with Koyama instead of in Shige’s room with him. They don’t say anything for quite some time once they turn the lights out, but after about an hour, when Koyama’s breathing becomes deep and even, Tegoshi finally asks, “Kei-chan, are you still awake?”
“Yeah, I am.” Comes the answer in a voice that sounds like a sigh. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep.”
He hears Koyama lick his lips, imagines that he must be quite nervous right now.
“Why not?” Tegoshi can’t help but ask.
“I guess that I…” Koyama starts to say, but then trails off, seeming uneasy.
Tegoshi waits for a proper reply, but he doesn’t get one.
“Do you need me?” He asks in a gentle voice, and Koyama makes a noise that seems as though it's a cross between a gasp and a sob.
“Please.” He whispers, and that’s all Tegoshi needs to hear.
“Come here.” He says, and Koyama immediately scrambles out from under his blanket and crawls into Tegoshi’s futon with him.
They cling to each other tightly, and for a while Tegoshi wonders if maybe they can just stay like this. If they stay like this, Koyama won’t need to imagine that he’s someone else. If they stay like this, they can be Tegoshi comforting Kei-chan; not Shige making love to Koyama. But then Koyama’s hands start to creep under his T-shirt, cold fingers brushing against his warm hips, and Tegoshi knows that Koyama has closed his eyes and is already with someone else.
“Do you think Shige’s asleep yet?” Tegoshi feels the need to ask, but Koyama just giggles in response.
“You’re supposed to be Shige.” He reminds him, and Tegoshi bites his lip to keep from saying anything he’ll regret.
Fortunately, Koyama has the good sense to keep his voice down, moaning softly but not saying any words. Tegoshi does too, though he’s long since stopped acting when they have sex. It’s enough for Koyama to pretend that he’s Shige, he does it well enough. Tegoshi doesn't need to rub salt into his own wound by playing along with it.
When Koyama comes, he bites his hand to keep quiet, and Tegoshi is glad for it; he hates having to hear someone else’s name these days. It makes it much easier for him to finish as well, and when he does, he sinks his teeth into Koyama’s shoulder, half to muffle his cries, half as if to tell him, ‘You’re mine.’
When his senses come back to him he has the strangest feeling that he's being watched, but he knows from experience that Koyama’s eyes are still closed. Even if they weren’t, his face is buried in the pillow, and so Tegoshi is absolutely sure it's not him who's looking. His eyes flick to the door to Shige’s room, just in time to see it shut silently. He smiles.
Shige saw them.
The next morning, Tegoshi isn’t surprised that Shige’s eyes keep coming to rest on the small bruise on Koyama’s shoulder where Tegoshi bit him. Koyama doesn’t notice him looking; doesn’t even notice the bruise is there. He’s a lot more cheerful this morning than he had been yesterday, as he always is after they spend a night together.
What is surprising is the hostility Shige shows towards Tegoshi. He seems to be acting fairly normally toward Koyama, which makes it seem even stranger, because logic would imply that he’d be mad at both of them for what he saw last night. Instead he doesn’t seem angry with Koyama at all.
Tegoshi pretends he doesn’t realize there’s anything different about how Shige is acting, and sings loudly in the car on their way to work, talking and laughing with Koyama and teasing Shige who responds in a gruff and testy manner.
From that day, things start to feel like they’re changing again. Shige stops talking about his girlfriend, and makes an effort to spend more time with Koyama. He responds well, and the two of them start hanging out regularly again, leaving less time for Tegoshi. Worse still, Koyama hasn't needed to come to him at all recently, but whenever Tegoshi asks if anything has happened between him and Shige, Koyama always responds with a no.
“If only.” He always replies, but his smile never seems sad when he says it. “He just hasn't said anything that makes me feel unhappy for a long time. That's all.”
Tegoshi thinks that maybe he should feel like a horrible person for wishing that Shige would, but he can’t manage to think that about himself.
What really bothers him is when he realizes that he’s losing Koyama. He can feel the relationship they had up until only a couple of weeks ago getting weaker by the day. They haven’t slept together for a while - Koyama hasn’t needed to - and Tegoshi knows that he has to admit how hopelessly in love with him he is before it’s too late.
The day he finally decides to do it, work seems to drag on and on, and when it’s finally time for them to go home it’s already late evening.
Tegoshi almost thinks he should put it off until another time, but he wants to confess how he feels before he loses his nerve. He purposefully stalls Koyama, waiting until everyone but the two of them is gone before he sits down with him. Or rather, on him.
Koyama lets Tegoshi snuggle into his lap even though he’s tired and is about ready to leave. He strokes his hair absentmindedly as they sit in the dim room.
“Kei-chan…” Tegoshi murmurs, sliding a hand around his waist. Koyama seems a little surprised by his tone and actions.
“Do I look upset today?” He asks, and Tegoshi frowns. He doesn’t like it that Koyama thinks he’d only do this when they’re about to sleep together. That he’d only act like this when Koyama was pining over Shige.
“Not really.” Tegoshi replies. “I just felt like being with you.”
Koyama laughs and shakes his head. “There’s a better time and place for this, Tego.”
“But I wanted to be with you now.” He replies, and before Koyama can protest again, he leans in and kisses him. Koyama is a little startled, but by now he’s used to the feeling of Tegoshi’s lips against his, and doesn’t reject him.
Tegoshi sighs when they part.
“Kei-chan…” He starts to say, and that’s as far as he gets before he’s interrupted by a blow to the head. Tegoshi dully registers that Koyama is shrieking as he topples off his lap, on to the floor. He claws his way to his feet, head starting to pound, and comes face to face with a very pissed off looking Shige. Tegoshi doesn’t think he’s ever seen him like this before.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He hisses, breathing heavily. Tegoshi is a bit dumbstruck and can’t manage to do much other than stare back, let alone answer.
Fortunately, Koyama has enough to say for the both of them.
“Shige, what are you doing?” He asks in a voice that’s about an octave higher than usual. “You could’ve seriously hurt Tegoshi! What were you thinking?”
Shige looks at Koyama incredulously.
“Why do you let him touch you like that?” Shige asks, slightly less furious now that he’s talking to Koyama, but still worked up all the same. “Kissing you, with his hands on you. Why do you let him do it?”
Koyama just shakes his head. “It’s… well. It’s not his fault. It’s been going on for quite a long time now.”
That comment seems to take all the fight out of Shige, and his shoulders obviously slump. And that’s when Tegoshi realizes it. He realizes why Shige has been going out of his way to spend so much time with Koyama again. Why Shige has stopped talking about girls. Why he had only been angry with Tegoshi that day at his apartment and not with Koyama.
“You’re jealous.” Tegoshi says. Koyama and Shige’s heads both snap towards him, and the hope in Koyama’s eyes makes Tegoshi feel both sick and used.
“Shige?” Koyama asks, and Shige visibly flinches.
“I’m not jealous.” He replies, but his voice is shaky and unsure. “I just… you being touched by him like that. The two of you together like that. It’s not. Not right.”
“Shige.” Koyama repeats, and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Shige, Tegoshi and I aren’t in that kind of relationship. You don’t need to be so angry.”
Tegoshi feels like he’s just been stabbed in the heart, and he's suddenly angry. Suddenly wants to lash out and hurt Koyama any way he can.
“No, we’re not together.” He agrees, trying to look as nonchalant as he possibly can. “We just sleep together sometimes so he can pretend that I’m you.”
Shige reels back like he’s just been slapped.
“I can’t listen to this anymore.” He says finally, and walks out into the corridor as quickly as he can without breaking into a run. Tegoshi risks glancing at Koyama and wishes he hadn’t. Koyama is staring at Tegoshi like he’s just betrayed him. Then without so much as a word, he runs out of the room after Shige.
Of course, Tegoshi thinks. Of course Koyama would chase after Shige instead of staying behind with him. After all, that’s what he’d been doing this whole time, wasn’t it? Even when Tegoshi had held him, comforted him so times, Koyama had always closed his eyes and chased after Shige with all his might. Shige would always be there between them.
It makes him feel ill, and as hard as he tries to find someone else to blame for his situation, there’s no one. Maybe this is what becoming an adult is all about, Tegoshi wonders bitterly; accepting responsibility for your own actions. If it’s true, he’s not sure he’s ready to grow up yet.
The halls of the building seem darker and narrower but somehow longer than usual as he walks through them, and Tegoshi spends the entire time wondering how he’s going to get through the night. He pauses when he hears a voice that’s distinctly Koyama’s, followed by Shige’s deeper but softer tone and he comes to a standstill.
He shouldn’t listen. Whatever they’re saying, it will doubtlessly hurt him, but he can’t help stopping around the corner from them where he can eavesdrop safely without getting caught.
“It makes me feel dirty.” He hears Shige say, “I feel like you’ve been using me.”
“I’m sorry.” Koyama replies, and Tegoshi doesn’t need to see him to know that he’s crying. “I just couldn’t tell you. How I felt about you. I didn’t want you to hate me.”
“What do you take me for?” Shige sounds incredulous. “Almost nine years of friendship, and you think I’d just start hating you for something you can’t help but feel? Koyama, you know I’m not like that.”
Tegoshi wishes that Shige would be like that and reject Koyama. Send him running into Tegoshi’s arms. But it doesn’t happen.
“I know you aren’t. I know what a good person you are, Shige, I really do, but… I was so scared. You have no idea how scared I was.”
“You can’t know if I have no idea or not.” Shige replies. “You don’t know how scared I was when…”
“When you confessed to your girlfriend?” Koyama cuts in, and even Tegoshi is surprised by the sour tone of his voice.
“No.” Shige replies harshly, and then amends himself by repeating it more softly. “No. Koyama, she’s not my girlfriend anymore. I broke up with her.”
“What? When?” Koyama asks, and even though this is the first time Tegoshi has heard this news, he has a pretty good idea of what the answer will be.
“After you and Tegoshi stayed at my place.” Shige replies, sounding humiliated. “After I walked in on the two of you…”
“Oh god.” Koyama says, and his voice is muffled as though he’s speaking through his hands. “I’m so sorry Shige. I didn’t mean for you to see that. I didn’t want…”
“I did it because I realized that if I was that jealous of Tegoshi being able to be with you like that, then… then it wasn’t her I was in love with.” Shige finishes, and the silence that follows almost cripples Tegoshi.
“I… Shige, what do you mean?” Koyama asks carefully, and Tegoshi hears Shige take a shuddery breath.
“I don’t want you to have to pretend it’s me you’re with anymore.” He says. “I don’t want you to let Tegoshi put his hands all over you and have you pretend that they’re mine anymore. I want… I want to be the one who…”
And then Shige stops speaking abruptly. Tegoshi’s stomach feels like it’s curling in on itself, but he forces himself to look around the corner, needing to confirm what he already knows he’s going to see.
Koyama is holding Shige tightly against his chest, kissing Shige the way Tegoshi had always wished Koyama would kiss him.
And Shige is kissing back.
Tegoshi looks up at the ceiling, takes a deep breath and sighs.
He goes to find another exit.
That night, he rings Koyama. He can hear Shige in the background, but tries not to let it bother him, because he has some unfinished business he needs to take care off.
“Tegoshi?” Koyama says quietly, as though he doesn’t want to be overheard talking to him. It's a little painful, but he ignores it.
“Kei-chan.” Tegoshi replies. “I’m in love with you.”
There’s silence on the other end of the phone.
“I already know how you feel, so I don’t want you to tell me.” He hurries to add. “I just thought I needed you to know that I… do love you.”
He hears Koyama take a shaky breath.
“Thank you.” He finally says. “Thank you, thank you, so much. For everything.”
And even though the words sound like a goodbye, to Tegoshi they feel like the perfect kind of closure. Because they let him know that even if Koyama doesn’t need him anymore, there was a time when he did. And somehow, for Tegoshi, that’s enough.
Pairings: Koyama/Tegoshi, Koyama/Shige
Prompt: #011 - Between
Words: ~5,000
Rating: PG-15
A/N: Written for je_prompts.
Summary: Whenever Koyama sleeps with Tegoshi, he always imagines that it's Shige he's with. But Tegoshi doesn't mind. At first.
“Koyama is my best friend.”
Even though the words make Koyama smile, it secretly hurts a little inside because that’s all he’ll ever be - Shige’s best friend in the whole wide world, close as close can be, but nothing more than that.
Koyama likes to be thankful for what he has, and knows that he should appreciate what he does have with Shige. He knows he should appreciate how much time they spend together, how Shige spoils him, the way that Shige sometimes falls asleep on him when they’re in the backseat of their manager’s car.
But while he knows this, it still makes him ache that they’re so close, yet still worlds apart from how he wants them to be.
It’s approaching the ninth anniversary of when they first met, and Koyama is feeling a little melancholy. It’s even closer to the ninth anniversary of when Koyama joined Johnny’s, and so Tegoshi invites him over to his apartment for some celebratory drinks.
“You seem a little down.” He says in an inappropriately happy voice as they crack open some beers. It makes Koyama sigh. Tegoshi is infamous for not being able to read the mood, so if even he can tell when someone isn’t happy, it must be really obvious.
“It’s nothing.” Koyama mumbles back, and downs the rest of his drink in one. Tegoshi shrugs. He’s not really the type to worry about others too much, so he doesn’t press the issue. He also knows that once Koyama drinks enough, he’ll open up anyway, and so Tegoshi is content to wait it out.
It doesn’t take long before Koyama is too drunk to sit up properly anymore and his eyes are a little wet.
“It’s just… Shige.” He says, spilling his heart out like Tegoshi had known he would. “We’ve been friends for so long, and it’ll be nine years soon, and that means I’ll have loved him for seven years and it hurts that he’ll never know it.”
Tegoshi nods. Koyama had told him how he felt about Shige quite a while ago, so this information isn't new to him. He hasn't told anyone else, but Tegoshi is so self-centred that in a funny way, Koyama had known he wouldn’t judge him. Whether Koyama liked girls or boys or Shige or Yamashita or anyone else, it doesn’t really affect Tegoshi, so he doesn’t think about it too much.
However, Tegoshi likes Koyama a lot. And when Koyama is sad, Tegoshi can’t help but think about it and want to fix it.
“You should go ahead and confess.” He tells him, like it’s that simple, but Koyama just shakes his head and looks miserable.
“Can’t.” He says. “I can’t risk losing Shige’s friendship. It’d kill me.”
“This is killing you too.” Tegoshi says pointedly, and Koyama smiles wryly at him.
“At least it’s doing it slowly.” He replies, and for once Tegoshi finds that he can’t argue.
“I kind of wish I could have him for one night.” Koyama goes on to admit, voice slurred from alcohol and trying to hold back his tears, “Just for one, to see what it could be like, and then we could go back to normal in the morning without me having to worry about losing him.”
It gets the cogs in Tegoshi’s head whirring, but it takes a few more beers even for shameless Tegoshi to consider voicing his idea aloud.
When he finally does, he puts his hand on Koyama’s knee and says. “What if you pretend?”
At first, he doesn’t understand or care about what Tegoshi’s saying, but eventually when his hand begins to creep up Koyama’s thigh, it makes him take notice.
“What if I pretend what?” He asks, as his face starts to feel hotter; he knows he’s gone red, and both of them can tell it’s not just because of the alcohol.
“I don’t like it when you’re sad.” Tegoshi says in a soft, low voice. “I want to make you feel better.”
Koyama gulps. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.”
Tegoshi giggles and leans in closer. “If you closed your eyes, would you be able to tell?” He asks, and Koyama has to swallow a gasp as Tegoshi’s fingers creep along the inside of his leg.
“You’re drunk.” He replies, avoiding answering the question, and Tegoshi giggles again.
“I know.” He says. “So are you.” He’s so close to Koyama that he can smell the clean scent of his skin mixed with the fragrance of his cologne. It’s oddly compelling.
“Tegoshi…” Koyama says slowly. “Do you even like boys that way?” Tegoshi notices that he’s not pushing him away, not trying to stop him.
“Girls or boys, it doesn’t really matter to me.” He admits. “In the end, we’re all human underneath.”
Coming from anyone else, the sentence would’ve sounded profound and meaningful, but coming from Tegoshi it somehow just sounds like he’s being greedy.
“You…” Koyama says, faltering as Tegoshi’s body presses against his. “You do… feel a bit like Shige.”
Tegoshi smiles.
“If you close your eyes, I can be him for as long as you want.”
That night, when Koyama comes, he calls out Shige’s name.
It’s not using him, Koyama reasons, if this is how Tegoshi wants it. They’re not in love. Tegoshi just wants to comfort him, maybe just wants to feel a warm body on top of his, and Koyama just wants to pretend he’s with Shige for a while. It’s a mutually beneficial agreement between two adults, and no one is getting hurt.
Every time they do it, it always feels a little strange to close his eyes and pretend the person in his arms is someone they’re not, but it never takes long for him to become immersed in the fantasy and let go. Tegoshi plays his part well, calling him “Koyama” instead of “Kei-chan”, and makes a surprisingly convincing Shige when Koyama isn't looking at his face.
He’d thought it would be awkward the morning after the first time, but when they’d woken up Tegoshi had just stretched, yawned and asked what was for breakfast. He didn’t snuggle up to Koyama, or give him a good morning kiss. Didn’t act like anything weird had happened between them the night before.
He should have guessed Tegoshi would be like this, Koyama realizes. He takes things as they come, doesn’t let them interfere with his established routine. And since Tegoshi wasn’t acting like last night was anything to be awkward about, Koyama found himself reacting the same way.
And really, there is no reason to act weird. Things between them now are exactly the same as they used to be, except that sometimes when Koyama gets depressed or lonely he goes over to Tegoshi’s apartment, and they go to his room - shut the curtains, turn off the lights, make sure it’s pitch black - where Koyama can pretend, just for the night.
The first time Tegoshi slips up and calls him, “Kei-chan” in a very Tegoshi-like voice when he finishes, it startles Koyama a little, but he doesn’t really think about it. It’s probably hard to play the part of somebody else, especially during sex. Koyama doesn’t fault Tegoshi for it. Can’t fault him for it.
Tegoshi, however, doesn’t let it go that easily. Of course he doesn’t bring it up, but he thinks about it a lot once Koyama has fallen asleep.
In his head, the Tegoshi who has sex with Kei-chan is a separate person from the usual Tegoshi. They both have different behavioural patterns, different ways of speaking; they even moan differently, not that Koyama would know that. So if the Tegoshi who sleeps with Kei-chan is calling him by the name that the usual Tegoshi calls him by, that can only mean one thing; the two personas are overlapping in his head.
It’s not a good thing, and he knows it. It messes with the whole dynamic of this agreement that he and Koyama have. But the problem is that Tegoshi doesn’t know what’s changed, much less how to change it back.
He’d known Koyama would be coming over tonight. Shige had spent the entire day talking about the date he was going on after work; the first he’d had in ages, he said, with a hot girl from his campus who’d he’d been trying to get to notice him forever, and how he was so excited about it.
Tegoshi saw Koyama grin and bear it, even saw him tease and congratulate Shige. But he’d also noticed Koyama catch his eye with a look in it that said he would need him once they were alone.
Tegoshi thinks it feels good, being needed. Even if it is for all the wrong reasons.
“You should just forget about him if it hurts this much.” Tegoshi says as they sit on the couch that evening.
“It’s unusual for you to say something like that.” Koyama replies dully.
Tegoshi shrugs. He doesn’t think so. He’s just saying what he thinks is the truth.
“Do you want me to make you feel better?” He asks, and Koyama chuckles dryly.
“Thank you.” He says in way of reply. Tegoshi leans closer and presses a kiss to his neck, and as usual, Koyama’s eyes slip shut at the first hint of affection. There’s no question as to who he’s seeing behind his eyelids.
Tegoshi climbs into his lap and starts to unbutton his shirt, planting soft kisses along his jaw as he does. They haven’t done it on the couch for quite a while; not since the first time. He wonders if that’s why it feels different tonight.
“Shige…” Koyama moans as Tegoshi’s fingers brush against his nipple, and it makes Tegoshi falter a little. He thinks hard about what he’s about to say, whether it’s a good idea or not. Whether it will only change things further. And then he realizes he doesn’t care anymore.
“Kei-chan,” He says softly, “Can you please not call me by that name tonight?”
Koyama’s eyes flutter open, and he looks a little surprised, a little perplexed, but is too far gone to argue.
“Okay.” He agrees, and Tegoshi smiles.
But as they fall asleep later, Tegoshi realizes that after that, Koyama hadn’t called him anything at all.
He resents it, Tegoshi figures out eventually, and thinks it shouldn’t have taken him so long to notice. He resents that he’s doing all this for Kei-chan, and yet it’s still Shige he’s thinking about while he’s inside Tegoshi.
It makes him moody, and more than a little jealous.
Tegoshi realizes that he’s falling for Koyama, but he’s not stupid enough to try and deny it - he already knows that it’d be a futile battle, and would probably hurt him more than if he just accepts it.
At first he wonders if he should leave things as they are, and keep sleeping with Koyama; keep letting him pretend that Tegoshi isn’t Tegoshi and be happy with the physical relationship they already have. But then he realizes that if he does, he’ll be mirroring the situation between Koyama and Shige in his own situation, and he knows firsthand where that leads.
He should take his own advice, Tegoshi decides, and confess. If Koyama can’t reciprocate, then at least he tried, and it’s not really any skin off Tegoshi’s nose. He’ll eventually fall out of love with anyone who rejects him, so in the end he has nothing to lose.
The next time Koyama comes to him for comfort, Tegoshi tries to make it more gentle and sensual than usual. He doesn’t try to mimic Shige’s personality, and lets his fingers and kisses linger, touching Koyama in all the places Tegoshi knows will drive him crazy. He can tell from the way that Koyama is moaning that he’s succeeding, but Tegoshi can’t tell whether Koyama knows it’s him or not.
When they’re finished and curled up together - Koyama always cuddles after sex, though he never does open his eyes - Tegoshi whispers in his ear, “That felt better than usual.”
“It did.” Koyama agrees, breath still heavy and uneven. His face is pressed into Tegoshi’s shoulder, and his fingers are resting on his hip. It makes Tegoshi’s heart beat a little faster than it should've.
“I love you.” He says, and the passion and tenderness in his own voice surprises him.
“I love you too, Shige.” Koyama replies, and Tegoshi thinks this might be what heartbreak feels like.
Now that Shige has a girlfriend, Koyama is spending less and less time with him and more and more time with Tegoshi. It’s obvious that it hurts Shige a bit, but Koyama can’t see any other option. If he carries on like normal and has to listen to Shige talk about that girl, it’ll tear his heart to bits. And faced with hurting Shige a little and hurting himself a lot, Koyama knows that he needs to choose the former option. After all, if there’s one thing that he’s learnt from Tegoshi after all this time, it’s that you have to take care of yourself first; otherwise no one will.
Their contact dwindles down to less than half of what it used to be, and even the other members start to notice. They don’t say anything about it, but it’s easy to tell from the way that they tread lightly around the topic of Koyama when they’re talking to Shige, and vice versa.
It comes to a head when Shige finally manages to corner Koyama once they’re alone in the same room. It hasn't happened for quite some time, probably because Koyama hasn't let it.
“Come over to my place after work today.” Shige says, and he's forced to agree because there’s no reason good reason not to. But fortunately for him, Tegoshi walks into the room while they’re still discussing their plans, and he comes up and joins them.
“That sounds fun.” He says, in his usual eager tone. “I should come too.” It’s almost as though he doesn’t know anything is wrong; as though he doesn’t notice the tension between them. It leaves Koyama wondering how often Tegoshi puts on an act around them. How many secrets he’s hiding.
Shige opens his mouth to say something, most likely some sort of protest, but then he closes it again. It’s impossible to refuse Tegoshi, and the best Shige manages is, “Stop inviting yourself along to things so freely,” which both he and Koyama know won’t stop him at all.
“Thank you.” Koyama says to him when they’re alone later, because he and Tegoshi know that eventually the topic of Shige’s girlfriend will come up, and he wouldn’t have been able to handle that by himself.
Tegoshi just gives him a blank looking smile, as if he doesn’t know what Koyama is so grateful to him for.
“Why?” He asks, and Koyama knows he can't possibly be that clueless. He remembers his previous thought, wondering why Tegoshi is so consumed by the need to hide his real thoughts and feelings.
“Tegoshi.” He says, “You don’t always have to hide what you're thinking, you know? You can be frank about things. You don't need to pretend with me.”
He’s answered with a smile and a soft laugh that he thinks sounds a little bitter. Koyama can’t understand why.
That night, as predicted, Shige turns the topic of conversation to his girlfriend. Koyama laughs a little uncomfortably when he gets to details he doesn’t want to hear about and moves a bit closer to Tegoshi. It’s like he’s been programmed to gravitate towards him when he needs comfort, and Tegoshi isn’t sure how he feels about that. He wants Koyama to depend on him, it's true, but he doesn't like the conditions it's under.
“You’re so mean.” Tegoshi says smoothly, segueing his way into the conversation. “Kei-chan and I don’t have girlfriends, and all you ever do is talk about yours. What if we get jealous?”
Shige flushes and staggers over his words.
“It’s not… it wouldn’t be hard for you guys to find girlfriends, though.” He says, but there’s a hint of an apology in his voice.
“It’s hard for anyone to find a good girlfriend.” Tegoshi counters, and when Shige looks away in embarrassment, Tegoshi turns to Koyama who is looking at him gratefully.
It makes him feel good about himself.
The topic of girls doesn’t come up again that night; Shige is too self-conscious to try and talk about it again, but despite this, Koyama’s spirits remain low for the rest of the evening. Shige notices this, but with Tegoshi there, he can’t say anything, and the exchanges between him and Koyama feels stilted and awkward.
But regardless of the uncomfortable atmosphere, Tegoshi manages to keep the conversation flowingthey and they lose track of the time, only noticing once it’s already gotten very late.
“You can stay over if you like.” Shige offers. “But I’ve only got one spare futon.”
Tegoshi smiles. “That’s okay. I'll sleep on that and Kei-chan will sleep on the couch.”
The fact that no one argues - that they actually go along with it without arguing - probably says something about how used to Tegoshi’s behaviour they both are.
He chooses to sleep on the floor by the couch with Koyama instead of in Shige’s room with him. They don’t say anything for quite some time once they turn the lights out, but after about an hour, when Koyama’s breathing becomes deep and even, Tegoshi finally asks, “Kei-chan, are you still awake?”
“Yeah, I am.” Comes the answer in a voice that sounds like a sigh. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep.”
He hears Koyama lick his lips, imagines that he must be quite nervous right now.
“Why not?” Tegoshi can’t help but ask.
“I guess that I…” Koyama starts to say, but then trails off, seeming uneasy.
Tegoshi waits for a proper reply, but he doesn’t get one.
“Do you need me?” He asks in a gentle voice, and Koyama makes a noise that seems as though it's a cross between a gasp and a sob.
“Please.” He whispers, and that’s all Tegoshi needs to hear.
“Come here.” He says, and Koyama immediately scrambles out from under his blanket and crawls into Tegoshi’s futon with him.
They cling to each other tightly, and for a while Tegoshi wonders if maybe they can just stay like this. If they stay like this, Koyama won’t need to imagine that he’s someone else. If they stay like this, they can be Tegoshi comforting Kei-chan; not Shige making love to Koyama. But then Koyama’s hands start to creep under his T-shirt, cold fingers brushing against his warm hips, and Tegoshi knows that Koyama has closed his eyes and is already with someone else.
“Do you think Shige’s asleep yet?” Tegoshi feels the need to ask, but Koyama just giggles in response.
“You’re supposed to be Shige.” He reminds him, and Tegoshi bites his lip to keep from saying anything he’ll regret.
Fortunately, Koyama has the good sense to keep his voice down, moaning softly but not saying any words. Tegoshi does too, though he’s long since stopped acting when they have sex. It’s enough for Koyama to pretend that he’s Shige, he does it well enough. Tegoshi doesn't need to rub salt into his own wound by playing along with it.
When Koyama comes, he bites his hand to keep quiet, and Tegoshi is glad for it; he hates having to hear someone else’s name these days. It makes it much easier for him to finish as well, and when he does, he sinks his teeth into Koyama’s shoulder, half to muffle his cries, half as if to tell him, ‘You’re mine.’
When his senses come back to him he has the strangest feeling that he's being watched, but he knows from experience that Koyama’s eyes are still closed. Even if they weren’t, his face is buried in the pillow, and so Tegoshi is absolutely sure it's not him who's looking. His eyes flick to the door to Shige’s room, just in time to see it shut silently. He smiles.
Shige saw them.
The next morning, Tegoshi isn’t surprised that Shige’s eyes keep coming to rest on the small bruise on Koyama’s shoulder where Tegoshi bit him. Koyama doesn’t notice him looking; doesn’t even notice the bruise is there. He’s a lot more cheerful this morning than he had been yesterday, as he always is after they spend a night together.
What is surprising is the hostility Shige shows towards Tegoshi. He seems to be acting fairly normally toward Koyama, which makes it seem even stranger, because logic would imply that he’d be mad at both of them for what he saw last night. Instead he doesn’t seem angry with Koyama at all.
Tegoshi pretends he doesn’t realize there’s anything different about how Shige is acting, and sings loudly in the car on their way to work, talking and laughing with Koyama and teasing Shige who responds in a gruff and testy manner.
From that day, things start to feel like they’re changing again. Shige stops talking about his girlfriend, and makes an effort to spend more time with Koyama. He responds well, and the two of them start hanging out regularly again, leaving less time for Tegoshi. Worse still, Koyama hasn't needed to come to him at all recently, but whenever Tegoshi asks if anything has happened between him and Shige, Koyama always responds with a no.
“If only.” He always replies, but his smile never seems sad when he says it. “He just hasn't said anything that makes me feel unhappy for a long time. That's all.”
Tegoshi thinks that maybe he should feel like a horrible person for wishing that Shige would, but he can’t manage to think that about himself.
What really bothers him is when he realizes that he’s losing Koyama. He can feel the relationship they had up until only a couple of weeks ago getting weaker by the day. They haven’t slept together for a while - Koyama hasn’t needed to - and Tegoshi knows that he has to admit how hopelessly in love with him he is before it’s too late.
The day he finally decides to do it, work seems to drag on and on, and when it’s finally time for them to go home it’s already late evening.
Tegoshi almost thinks he should put it off until another time, but he wants to confess how he feels before he loses his nerve. He purposefully stalls Koyama, waiting until everyone but the two of them is gone before he sits down with him. Or rather, on him.
Koyama lets Tegoshi snuggle into his lap even though he’s tired and is about ready to leave. He strokes his hair absentmindedly as they sit in the dim room.
“Kei-chan…” Tegoshi murmurs, sliding a hand around his waist. Koyama seems a little surprised by his tone and actions.
“Do I look upset today?” He asks, and Tegoshi frowns. He doesn’t like it that Koyama thinks he’d only do this when they’re about to sleep together. That he’d only act like this when Koyama was pining over Shige.
“Not really.” Tegoshi replies. “I just felt like being with you.”
Koyama laughs and shakes his head. “There’s a better time and place for this, Tego.”
“But I wanted to be with you now.” He replies, and before Koyama can protest again, he leans in and kisses him. Koyama is a little startled, but by now he’s used to the feeling of Tegoshi’s lips against his, and doesn’t reject him.
Tegoshi sighs when they part.
“Kei-chan…” He starts to say, and that’s as far as he gets before he’s interrupted by a blow to the head. Tegoshi dully registers that Koyama is shrieking as he topples off his lap, on to the floor. He claws his way to his feet, head starting to pound, and comes face to face with a very pissed off looking Shige. Tegoshi doesn’t think he’s ever seen him like this before.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He hisses, breathing heavily. Tegoshi is a bit dumbstruck and can’t manage to do much other than stare back, let alone answer.
Fortunately, Koyama has enough to say for the both of them.
“Shige, what are you doing?” He asks in a voice that’s about an octave higher than usual. “You could’ve seriously hurt Tegoshi! What were you thinking?”
Shige looks at Koyama incredulously.
“Why do you let him touch you like that?” Shige asks, slightly less furious now that he’s talking to Koyama, but still worked up all the same. “Kissing you, with his hands on you. Why do you let him do it?”
Koyama just shakes his head. “It’s… well. It’s not his fault. It’s been going on for quite a long time now.”
That comment seems to take all the fight out of Shige, and his shoulders obviously slump. And that’s when Tegoshi realizes it. He realizes why Shige has been going out of his way to spend so much time with Koyama again. Why Shige has stopped talking about girls. Why he had only been angry with Tegoshi that day at his apartment and not with Koyama.
“You’re jealous.” Tegoshi says. Koyama and Shige’s heads both snap towards him, and the hope in Koyama’s eyes makes Tegoshi feel both sick and used.
“Shige?” Koyama asks, and Shige visibly flinches.
“I’m not jealous.” He replies, but his voice is shaky and unsure. “I just… you being touched by him like that. The two of you together like that. It’s not. Not right.”
“Shige.” Koyama repeats, and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Shige, Tegoshi and I aren’t in that kind of relationship. You don’t need to be so angry.”
Tegoshi feels like he’s just been stabbed in the heart, and he's suddenly angry. Suddenly wants to lash out and hurt Koyama any way he can.
“No, we’re not together.” He agrees, trying to look as nonchalant as he possibly can. “We just sleep together sometimes so he can pretend that I’m you.”
Shige reels back like he’s just been slapped.
“I can’t listen to this anymore.” He says finally, and walks out into the corridor as quickly as he can without breaking into a run. Tegoshi risks glancing at Koyama and wishes he hadn’t. Koyama is staring at Tegoshi like he’s just betrayed him. Then without so much as a word, he runs out of the room after Shige.
Of course, Tegoshi thinks. Of course Koyama would chase after Shige instead of staying behind with him. After all, that’s what he’d been doing this whole time, wasn’t it? Even when Tegoshi had held him, comforted him so times, Koyama had always closed his eyes and chased after Shige with all his might. Shige would always be there between them.
It makes him feel ill, and as hard as he tries to find someone else to blame for his situation, there’s no one. Maybe this is what becoming an adult is all about, Tegoshi wonders bitterly; accepting responsibility for your own actions. If it’s true, he’s not sure he’s ready to grow up yet.
The halls of the building seem darker and narrower but somehow longer than usual as he walks through them, and Tegoshi spends the entire time wondering how he’s going to get through the night. He pauses when he hears a voice that’s distinctly Koyama’s, followed by Shige’s deeper but softer tone and he comes to a standstill.
He shouldn’t listen. Whatever they’re saying, it will doubtlessly hurt him, but he can’t help stopping around the corner from them where he can eavesdrop safely without getting caught.
“It makes me feel dirty.” He hears Shige say, “I feel like you’ve been using me.”
“I’m sorry.” Koyama replies, and Tegoshi doesn’t need to see him to know that he’s crying. “I just couldn’t tell you. How I felt about you. I didn’t want you to hate me.”
“What do you take me for?” Shige sounds incredulous. “Almost nine years of friendship, and you think I’d just start hating you for something you can’t help but feel? Koyama, you know I’m not like that.”
Tegoshi wishes that Shige would be like that and reject Koyama. Send him running into Tegoshi’s arms. But it doesn’t happen.
“I know you aren’t. I know what a good person you are, Shige, I really do, but… I was so scared. You have no idea how scared I was.”
“You can’t know if I have no idea or not.” Shige replies. “You don’t know how scared I was when…”
“When you confessed to your girlfriend?” Koyama cuts in, and even Tegoshi is surprised by the sour tone of his voice.
“No.” Shige replies harshly, and then amends himself by repeating it more softly. “No. Koyama, she’s not my girlfriend anymore. I broke up with her.”
“What? When?” Koyama asks, and even though this is the first time Tegoshi has heard this news, he has a pretty good idea of what the answer will be.
“After you and Tegoshi stayed at my place.” Shige replies, sounding humiliated. “After I walked in on the two of you…”
“Oh god.” Koyama says, and his voice is muffled as though he’s speaking through his hands. “I’m so sorry Shige. I didn’t mean for you to see that. I didn’t want…”
“I did it because I realized that if I was that jealous of Tegoshi being able to be with you like that, then… then it wasn’t her I was in love with.” Shige finishes, and the silence that follows almost cripples Tegoshi.
“I… Shige, what do you mean?” Koyama asks carefully, and Tegoshi hears Shige take a shuddery breath.
“I don’t want you to have to pretend it’s me you’re with anymore.” He says. “I don’t want you to let Tegoshi put his hands all over you and have you pretend that they’re mine anymore. I want… I want to be the one who…”
And then Shige stops speaking abruptly. Tegoshi’s stomach feels like it’s curling in on itself, but he forces himself to look around the corner, needing to confirm what he already knows he’s going to see.
Koyama is holding Shige tightly against his chest, kissing Shige the way Tegoshi had always wished Koyama would kiss him.
And Shige is kissing back.
Tegoshi looks up at the ceiling, takes a deep breath and sighs.
He goes to find another exit.
That night, he rings Koyama. He can hear Shige in the background, but tries not to let it bother him, because he has some unfinished business he needs to take care off.
“Tegoshi?” Koyama says quietly, as though he doesn’t want to be overheard talking to him. It's a little painful, but he ignores it.
“Kei-chan.” Tegoshi replies. “I’m in love with you.”
There’s silence on the other end of the phone.
“I already know how you feel, so I don’t want you to tell me.” He hurries to add. “I just thought I needed you to know that I… do love you.”
He hears Koyama take a shaky breath.
“Thank you.” He finally says. “Thank you, thank you, so much. For everything.”
And even though the words sound like a goodbye, to Tegoshi they feel like the perfect kind of closure. Because they let him know that even if Koyama doesn’t need him anymore, there was a time when he did. And somehow, for Tegoshi, that’s enough.