One-shot - Undelivered Letter
Title: Undelivered Letter
Pairing: Masuda/Tegoshi
Rating: PG
Words: ~4,000
Warnings: Character death
Summary: AU. One day, Massu promises himself, he will give these letters to Tegoshi. Just not yet.
‘Tegoshi-kun, this is a little difficult for me. I mean, I’m kind of bad with words but I really wanted to say this to you. Well, I guess it’s more of a… confession. I should just say it. I like you. There. I’m sorry, I guess. Someone like me liking someone like you is a bit laughable, isn’t it? I’m just dorky Masuda, and you’re popular and the captain of the soccer team. It’s silly. I don’t expect you to like me back, but I wanted to say it. I wanted…’
Massu lifted his pen from the paper and squinted in the dim lamplight. Was this too self deprecating? Probably. Someone like Tegoshi was probably turned off by that negative, unconfident sort of attitude. In fact, the whole letter was awkward and unsure. Massu sighed. Even on paper, with time to pause and consider his words, to omit and add whatever he liked, he still sounded bumbling and uncertain. Maybe he should try to be more positive. More assertive.
He frowned. Then again, was that what he wanted? To give Tegoshi a false impression of himself? This was who he was, and if he wanted to confess, was it a good idea to give the person false assumptions? But on the other hand, he and Tegoshi weren’t strangers; they both knew each other’s personalities pretty well, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt to sound a bit more positive and decisive for once.
By the time Massu had finished debating with himself, it was already past midnight and he needed to go to bed. He carefully folded the unfinished letter up and slid it inside an envelope, hiding it in his desk drawer where no one would ever read it but him.
~
“So what kind of girl do you like, Tegoshi-kun?”
Massu stiffened and buried his face a little further into his textbook. A few of them, second and third years, were supposed to be studying English together in the library, but the second years had already gotten distracted. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence when they studied with Tegoshi’s friend, Kusano. He never had been good at sitting still for more than 5 minutes at a time, let alone concentrating on a foreign language.
“Eh?” Tegoshi looked up from his notes with a puzzled smile that made Massu’s heart somersault. “Why do you want to know?”
Kusano gave Tegoshi a look like he was being dumb. “You only turned down the most popular girl in our year at lunch today. Masami-chan is a real lady. Smart, polite, pretty, elegant… big breasts.” His voice lowered when he got to the last part. “If she’s not your type, then who is?”
Tegoshi’s smile turned a little secretive. Massu continued pretending to be completely engrossed in his book, as though he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in what kind of person Tegoshi went for.
“You’re right, she’s not my type,” Tegoshi spoke slowly, as though trying to build suspense. “She is beautiful, but my type has a little more personality. Don’t you think awkward girls are much cuter? It makes your heart melt when they get shy over making mistakes, right?”
Massu promptly knocked his book off the table and flushed bright red as a he scrambled to pick it up.
“Sorry,” he mumbled as Kusano broke into uncontrollable laughter and received a stern glare from the librarian.
“Smooth, senpai” he smirked, raising an eyebrow in Massu’s direction.
Massu scowled in Kusano’s direction, but then caught sight of Tegoshi’s grin and ended up blushing again, directing his eyes back to his text.
~
‘Dear Tegoshi-kun,
This is the second letter I’ve written to you. I haven’t even given you the first one yet. I plan to one day, but for now I don’t have the courage. I went to your first soccer game of the season today. I still remember when you first started at high school and were shy and a bit nervous. It’s funny that it’s the other way around now. Now I’m the shy, nervous one and you’re winning soccer games for your team. Sometimes it’s hard to believe you come to swim practice to cheer me on, because I feel like I’m such a nobody in the school compared to you.
It’s embarrassing to say, but you really cool playing soccer. Sometimes your eyes get a little wild-looking and it’s a bit scary, but your serious face is handsome. I think everyone looks best when they’re doing something they’re passionate about, but Tegoshi-kun looks…’
Massu paused, critically eyeing what he’d just written. That was way too embarrassing to give to Tegoshi. Then again, he didn’t have to give him this letter. He could, maybe, if he got up the courage, but otherwise he could still just give him the first letter. He would definitely do that at least, some day.
He returned the nib of the pen to the paper.
‘Tegoshi-kun looks especially striking. Your happy expression when you won really makes my heart beat faster. If I could, I’d want to make sure you were always that happy, just so you could always have that look on your face.’
Embarrassing, Massu thought as he folded the letter away into the same envelope as the first, but all true.
~
“Massu!”
He heard his nickname as soon as his head broke the surface of the water and looked up to see Tegoshi waiting for him on the edge of the pool with a wide grin scrunching his face.
“Masuda-senpai,” Massu reminded him and he paddled closer, accepting the hand Tegoshi offered him.
“That takes too long to say,” Tegoshi told him flippantly as he pulled him from the pool. “That’s the point of having a nickname. ‘Massu’ is so quick and snappy.”
Massu rolled his eyes and flicked water at Tegoshi, who squawked and tried to give him a dirty look around his smile. It didn’t work too well.
“Got any plans for tonight?” Tegoshi asked. “Any hot dates?”
“N… not, uh no. No plans,” Massu stuttered as they headed for the changing room. “Why?”
“Then I guess that means you have time for a date with me,” Tegoshi beamed, and Massu grabbed his towel, quickly burying his face in it to hide his rapidly reddening cheeks.
“Sure, I suppose. What did you have in mind?”
“Dinner,” Tegoshi replied immediately. “Mom is making this weird fish and vegetable casserole type thing. I saw it this morning and it looks soooo gross. If we go out for dinner, then I don’t have to eat it.”
Massu laughed, satisfied that his face was back to a normal shade. “You shouldn’t say that about your mom’s cooking. Everything my mother makes is delicious.”
“That’s your mother, though. She doesn’t experiment with weird fish and vegetable…”
“I know, I know,” Massu hushed Tegoshi. “I’ll come out with you, don’t worry.”
“Thanks, Massu! You’re the best senpai ever. Let’s go to that ramen place with the gyoza you really like, okay?”
Tegoshi grabbed his arm and hung off him like a limpet, Massu barely resisting the urge to shiver and twine his arm back through Tegoshi’s.
~
‘I wanted to kiss you tonight. Maybe it was a bit forward of me to even think it, but I really wanted to kiss you. I wonder if it’s alright to think that another guy is beautiful? Even if it’s not, I couldn’t help thinking it when you were next to me. I know I seemed distracted from studying, but it’s your fault. If I’m in your room, sitting beside you with you leaning against my shoulder, how could I not be distracted? Well, I guess I could have controlled myself better, and you didn’t know what it was doing to me. But still. I don’t know. You’re very cute when you get tired, you know. I wouldn’t mind if you fell asleep on me more often.
I’ve decided I’ll give you these letters, or at least the first letter, on graduation day. That way, things won’t be weird if you never want to talk to me again. But I don’t want to leave school without doing it, and that seems like the perfect time. Because it’s kind of an end, isn’t it? But also a beginning. So it feels like it makes sense. I’m not really sure what I’m saying. But anyway. You were cute tonight. I’d like to kiss you one day, but I don’t think it’ll ever happen.’
Massu traced the side of the paper with his fingertips, absentmindedly recalling the colour and shape of Tegoshi’s slightly parted lips as he’d slumped against his shoulder, half asleep. This letter, he’d probably never give to him, Massu reasoned as he folded it and placed it with all the others he’d written over the months. But that was alright. He could still dream.
~
“Thanks so much for coming with me,” Tegoshi repeated for what must have been the eighth time since they’d boarded the train. “I want to see these fireworks so badly, but it’s boring to go alone. I don’t know why no one else would come.”
Probably for the same reason Massu wouldn’t have gone if it had been anyone other than Tegoshi who had asked; it was going to be packed to the high heavens. But only a mad person passed up a chance to watch a fireworks display with their crush, and so Massu had readily agreed to accompany him.
As predicted, the crush of people was astounding, but Tegoshi and Massu managed to find a spot on the grass. It was a bit humid, but Tegoshi didn’t seem to mind being pressed in against Massu, and Massu certainly wasn’t going to complain.
“It feels a bit like we’re a couple,” Tegoshi said casually, and Massu felt his heart stop. He stared at Tegoshi with a shocked and bewildered expression until Tegoshi laughed and jostled him gently with his elbow. “I’m just kidding. Don’t look so serious. You’ll get premature wrinkles.”
“Ahaha,” Massu laughed half-heartedly along with him, feeling fluttery and disappointed and relieved all at once.
The display was beautiful, but somehow Tegoshi was more so, and Massu kept sneaking glances at him, watching as his eyes lit up with both childish glee and the reflected light of the fireworks. Eventually Tegoshi caught him staring and raised an eyebrow, fixing Massu with an inquisitive smile.
“What is it?”
Massu couldn’t help but blush and stutter, but eventually settled on saying, “… I was just thinking that you look happy.”
Tegoshi’s smile grew softer. “Yeah. I am. Thank you.”
They both looked back up into the sky and their fingers brushed.
~
‘Dear Tegoshi-kun,
It’s getting closer to graduation now. Everyone is busy and we haven’t really seen each other outside of school for a few weeks. It feels kind of lonely. I wonder if you feel lonely too? But you’re so busy, maybe you don’t have the time spare to think about me.
Sorry to change the subject so suddenly, but I feel a bit like a bad person recently. Tegoshi-kun isn’t mine, but I can’t help getting a little bit possessive of you. When Kasumi-chan confessed to you the other day at school, I suddenly felt like I hated her. I didn’t want to, and when you told her there was someone else that you like, I didn’t need to hate her, but I still couldn’t help it. I think I probably hate whichever girl you do like too, even though I don’t know who she is.
I’m not sure why you don’t confess to her, because I’m sure you could have anyone you want at school. But I’m still glad you don’t. It gives me a little more time to dream. Maybe you’re waiting for graduation too. Even so, I’ll still give you my letters. Or letter. I still haven’t decided if I can give them all to you. I think they keeping getting steadily more embarrassing as I go on. It’s easy to say whatever you want when you’re writing it down on paper you’re not sure if anyone will ever see.
Anyway. I want to see you soon. I miss you.’
The envelope he kept the letters in was starting to get full, and it was hard to cram this one in. There must have been almost ten by now, Massu counted. Tegoshi would probably only read the first one anyway. No one wanted to read a ton of sappy love letters from another guy. But that didn’t really matter, he decided. He’d keep writing them until he had no reason to write them anymore.
~
It was late. They were studying together again, this time at Massu’s house, and by the time they remembered to look at the clock, hours had passed without them noticing.
“Just stay over,” Massu’s mother offered, with a smile much like her son’s. “It’s Saturday tomorrow, so there’s no problem.”
Tegoshi accepted immediately, and Massu’s mom went about setting up two futons in the tatami room while Tegoshi and Massu had a snack before bed.
Massu couldn’t help wondering, as they got ready to go to sleep, whether or not he’d be able to sleep a wink with Tegoshi lying next to him, breathing the same air and sharing the same space. He half hoped they’d talk late into the night, because at least that would distract him from everything he knew he shouldn’t think about.
Fortunately, Tegoshi was a chatterbox, and he had at least a hundred and two things to talk about now that the lights were out and they were supposed to be sleeping. Massu repeatedly had to remind him to lower his voice so he wouldn’t wake up his parents and older sister. He was still very aware of his presence, right next to him, but with Tegoshi rambling on about soccer and tests and fashion, as Massu had predicted, it wasn’t too bad.
Eventually, Tegoshi began to grow quieter, and Massu wondered if he was slowly falling asleep. But then Tegoshi spoke in a soft voice, “I’m really glad that I’m here with you, Massu.”
Massu’s heart somehow simultaneously managed to melt and pound at the same time.
“That’s… I’m… yeah. I like spending time with you too,” he replied, voice equally low.
There was a rustling, and then suddenly Tegoshi’s hand was covering his, skin warm and the pads of his fingers soft. There was a pause before Massu, trying not to think about it too hard, turned his hand so he and Tegoshi were palm to palm.
“It’s nearly graduation,” Tegoshi continued in the same tone, “but even when you’re not at school anymore, I want us to stay friends. Massu is too important to me to lose contact with. So I’d like it if you could promise…”
He trailed off, giving Massu’s hand a gentle squeeze. Massu squeezed back and tried not to hope too hard.
~
‘I don’t want to get my hopes up. I really don’t want to, because the higher I let them get, the more it’ll hurt if I fall. But I wonder if maybe… just maybe… I’m the one you like? Is that why you haven’t confessed when you’re usually so gung-ho about that kind of thing? I’ve been wondering ever since the night you stayed over. I don’t know. I’m not sure what to do. It makes me want to give you these letters sooner, if there’s a chance you could like me back. But at the same time, if you don’t, it’ll be awkward to go through these last weeks at school if I confess earlier. So I think I’ll wait. But at least it’s helped me decide that yes, I’ll definitely be able to give you the letter. Maybe even all of these letters.
You said you still want to be able to see me once I’ve left school. Maybe that means that even if you don’t or can’t return my feelings, you’ll still want to see me after I confess. Now that I think about it, I guess you were never the type to worry about things like that. But it’s hard for me not to be nervous anyway.
I think this will be the last letter, Tegoshi-kun. It’s nearly time. I kind of want to say thank you for letting me write them, but that would be weird, wouldn’t it? Because it’s not like you really had any choice. But I guess in a way our hearts are sort of connected while I write to you. Well, maybe. Still, thank you for everything.
Love Massu’
He sealed the envelope this time, writing Tegoshi’s full name across the front in neat characters, before putting it into his desk drawer. Soon. Soon, he would finally hand deliver these letters to their recipient, after months of waiting. Even though it wasn’t time yet, Massu still had to take a deep breath to calm himself as he switched off his desk light and crawled into bed.
~
It was just before his last exam that the accident happened. He was late, and that’s probably why he risked it, running out onto the road when he should’ve waited. There was no pain. How could there be when he only had a split second to realise what was happening?
His last thoughts weren’t very profound; they weren’t about life or his family, or Tegoshi, though he had just been thinking that morning that this would be his last exam before he handed over the letters. Then again, it was Massu, so maybe it was appropriate that the last thing he thought, in that last second before he realised the truck was going to slam into his body, was simple, even calm.
‘Wish this had happened before I wasted all my time studying for these exams,’ was all he managed before his life was knocked from him in one fell swoop.
It was weeks before his parents could even think about starting to go through his room, their grief too much to let them accept that they needed to; that he was gone. And so it was months before they came across the envelope in his desk, long after graduation, addressed to Tegoshi Yuya, now a third year in high school.
Massu’s mother didn’t open it. She was curious, but somehow it seemed wrong, and despite not knowing what the envelope contained, felt that maybe it would be too painful to see it anyway. Instead, she delivered it to its rightful owner, and Tegoshi took it from her with a polite bow, a soft thank you, and more condolences even though he, too, was still hurting.
It hadn’t been the way Massu had planned for him to receive them. But at least his last wish had been fulfilled.
~
‘Dear Massu,
It’s been three months, but it doesn’t feel like it. I’m not sure if it feels longer or shorter. Maybe both. I’m not sure what to say. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I have too much. Far too much. I have a whole two years of things that I’ve kept stored away in my head, addressed to you, that somehow never made it out of my mouth. Maybe I should’ve done what you did, put it all down on paper, but I think maybe I’d have had at least 700 letters addressed to you by now if I’d done that. Maybe this is easier. Maybe this is better. Because I just have this one letter to write now, and so I’ll only put down the most important things.
I wish you’d told me sooner. It was stupid to wait until graduation. You should’ve told me at the fireworks display. Or when you were over at my house. Or when I was at yours. You should’ve kissed me. I’m almost angry at you, but I guess that’s not fair. I should’ve told you sooner as well. Maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe you’d still be here.
I hate what-ifs.
You know, I fell in love with you from the start. You were the only one to really take awkward little Yuya under your wing and help me grow up confident. I wonder where I’d be if it wasn’t for you. You wrote to me that you’re just dorky Masuda, and I’m popular and the captain of the soccer team, but I sometimes think I wouldn’t be all that if it hadn’t been for dorky Massu. Massu is why I am who I am. That’s why I loved you. Love you. I think I still do. I knew from the start that I wouldn’t fall for anyone else. Thought I never would.
Would you hate me if the next person I fall in love with was a bit like you? Part of me knows it’s not a good idea, because I know I should let go. But another part of me doesn’t want to wonder. If I find someone like you, maybe I’ll at least know a little what it would’ve felt like to love you properly. To be held by you. Kissed by you. I know I shouldn’t, but…
But.
You’d be jealous, right? I kind of like that. That you liked me enough to be jealous. But I know you’d want me to move on, even if on the surface you felt like you didn’t. Because you want me to be happy. Massu was too nice to want me to hurt forever. And I’ll move on. I know I will. And it will start to feel better if I let it. But right now…
I’m glad I got your letters. I kind of thought you might like me as well, you know. But I didn’t want you to disappear from in front of me if I was wrong. At least this is one thing I won’t have to wonder about forever. We were both cowards, weren’t we? I guess we’ve paid the price now.
But you know, at least the time we did spend together will never disappear. And even if, at that time, we left a lot of things unsaid between us, it doesn’t make it any less precious. So thank you, Massu. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for writing to me. Thank you for loving me.
Keep watching over me from above. I’ll do my best to become happy for you. Please wait for me.
Tegoshi Yuya.’
He held the lighter up to the paper, letting the fire eat at the letter and catching the ashes it left behind. Once the last little lick of flame disappeared, Tegoshi sprinkled them over the grave, twirling down through the air to settle below the headstone.
Tegoshi looked up into the grey sky, eyes wet but tears not falling.
“There you are, Massu,” he spoke into the empty air. “There’s my answer.”
Pairing: Masuda/Tegoshi
Rating: PG
Words: ~4,000
Warnings: Character death
Summary: AU. One day, Massu promises himself, he will give these letters to Tegoshi. Just not yet.
‘Tegoshi-kun, this is a little difficult for me. I mean, I’m kind of bad with words but I really wanted to say this to you. Well, I guess it’s more of a… confession. I should just say it. I like you. There. I’m sorry, I guess. Someone like me liking someone like you is a bit laughable, isn’t it? I’m just dorky Masuda, and you’re popular and the captain of the soccer team. It’s silly. I don’t expect you to like me back, but I wanted to say it. I wanted…’
Massu lifted his pen from the paper and squinted in the dim lamplight. Was this too self deprecating? Probably. Someone like Tegoshi was probably turned off by that negative, unconfident sort of attitude. In fact, the whole letter was awkward and unsure. Massu sighed. Even on paper, with time to pause and consider his words, to omit and add whatever he liked, he still sounded bumbling and uncertain. Maybe he should try to be more positive. More assertive.
He frowned. Then again, was that what he wanted? To give Tegoshi a false impression of himself? This was who he was, and if he wanted to confess, was it a good idea to give the person false assumptions? But on the other hand, he and Tegoshi weren’t strangers; they both knew each other’s personalities pretty well, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt to sound a bit more positive and decisive for once.
By the time Massu had finished debating with himself, it was already past midnight and he needed to go to bed. He carefully folded the unfinished letter up and slid it inside an envelope, hiding it in his desk drawer where no one would ever read it but him.
~
“So what kind of girl do you like, Tegoshi-kun?”
Massu stiffened and buried his face a little further into his textbook. A few of them, second and third years, were supposed to be studying English together in the library, but the second years had already gotten distracted. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence when they studied with Tegoshi’s friend, Kusano. He never had been good at sitting still for more than 5 minutes at a time, let alone concentrating on a foreign language.
“Eh?” Tegoshi looked up from his notes with a puzzled smile that made Massu’s heart somersault. “Why do you want to know?”
Kusano gave Tegoshi a look like he was being dumb. “You only turned down the most popular girl in our year at lunch today. Masami-chan is a real lady. Smart, polite, pretty, elegant… big breasts.” His voice lowered when he got to the last part. “If she’s not your type, then who is?”
Tegoshi’s smile turned a little secretive. Massu continued pretending to be completely engrossed in his book, as though he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in what kind of person Tegoshi went for.
“You’re right, she’s not my type,” Tegoshi spoke slowly, as though trying to build suspense. “She is beautiful, but my type has a little more personality. Don’t you think awkward girls are much cuter? It makes your heart melt when they get shy over making mistakes, right?”
Massu promptly knocked his book off the table and flushed bright red as a he scrambled to pick it up.
“Sorry,” he mumbled as Kusano broke into uncontrollable laughter and received a stern glare from the librarian.
“Smooth, senpai” he smirked, raising an eyebrow in Massu’s direction.
Massu scowled in Kusano’s direction, but then caught sight of Tegoshi’s grin and ended up blushing again, directing his eyes back to his text.
~
‘Dear Tegoshi-kun,
This is the second letter I’ve written to you. I haven’t even given you the first one yet. I plan to one day, but for now I don’t have the courage. I went to your first soccer game of the season today. I still remember when you first started at high school and were shy and a bit nervous. It’s funny that it’s the other way around now. Now I’m the shy, nervous one and you’re winning soccer games for your team. Sometimes it’s hard to believe you come to swim practice to cheer me on, because I feel like I’m such a nobody in the school compared to you.
It’s embarrassing to say, but you really cool playing soccer. Sometimes your eyes get a little wild-looking and it’s a bit scary, but your serious face is handsome. I think everyone looks best when they’re doing something they’re passionate about, but Tegoshi-kun looks…’
Massu paused, critically eyeing what he’d just written. That was way too embarrassing to give to Tegoshi. Then again, he didn’t have to give him this letter. He could, maybe, if he got up the courage, but otherwise he could still just give him the first letter. He would definitely do that at least, some day.
He returned the nib of the pen to the paper.
‘Tegoshi-kun looks especially striking. Your happy expression when you won really makes my heart beat faster. If I could, I’d want to make sure you were always that happy, just so you could always have that look on your face.’
Embarrassing, Massu thought as he folded the letter away into the same envelope as the first, but all true.
~
“Massu!”
He heard his nickname as soon as his head broke the surface of the water and looked up to see Tegoshi waiting for him on the edge of the pool with a wide grin scrunching his face.
“Masuda-senpai,” Massu reminded him and he paddled closer, accepting the hand Tegoshi offered him.
“That takes too long to say,” Tegoshi told him flippantly as he pulled him from the pool. “That’s the point of having a nickname. ‘Massu’ is so quick and snappy.”
Massu rolled his eyes and flicked water at Tegoshi, who squawked and tried to give him a dirty look around his smile. It didn’t work too well.
“Got any plans for tonight?” Tegoshi asked. “Any hot dates?”
“N… not, uh no. No plans,” Massu stuttered as they headed for the changing room. “Why?”
“Then I guess that means you have time for a date with me,” Tegoshi beamed, and Massu grabbed his towel, quickly burying his face in it to hide his rapidly reddening cheeks.
“Sure, I suppose. What did you have in mind?”
“Dinner,” Tegoshi replied immediately. “Mom is making this weird fish and vegetable casserole type thing. I saw it this morning and it looks soooo gross. If we go out for dinner, then I don’t have to eat it.”
Massu laughed, satisfied that his face was back to a normal shade. “You shouldn’t say that about your mom’s cooking. Everything my mother makes is delicious.”
“That’s your mother, though. She doesn’t experiment with weird fish and vegetable…”
“I know, I know,” Massu hushed Tegoshi. “I’ll come out with you, don’t worry.”
“Thanks, Massu! You’re the best senpai ever. Let’s go to that ramen place with the gyoza you really like, okay?”
Tegoshi grabbed his arm and hung off him like a limpet, Massu barely resisting the urge to shiver and twine his arm back through Tegoshi’s.
~
‘I wanted to kiss you tonight. Maybe it was a bit forward of me to even think it, but I really wanted to kiss you. I wonder if it’s alright to think that another guy is beautiful? Even if it’s not, I couldn’t help thinking it when you were next to me. I know I seemed distracted from studying, but it’s your fault. If I’m in your room, sitting beside you with you leaning against my shoulder, how could I not be distracted? Well, I guess I could have controlled myself better, and you didn’t know what it was doing to me. But still. I don’t know. You’re very cute when you get tired, you know. I wouldn’t mind if you fell asleep on me more often.
I’ve decided I’ll give you these letters, or at least the first letter, on graduation day. That way, things won’t be weird if you never want to talk to me again. But I don’t want to leave school without doing it, and that seems like the perfect time. Because it’s kind of an end, isn’t it? But also a beginning. So it feels like it makes sense. I’m not really sure what I’m saying. But anyway. You were cute tonight. I’d like to kiss you one day, but I don’t think it’ll ever happen.’
Massu traced the side of the paper with his fingertips, absentmindedly recalling the colour and shape of Tegoshi’s slightly parted lips as he’d slumped against his shoulder, half asleep. This letter, he’d probably never give to him, Massu reasoned as he folded it and placed it with all the others he’d written over the months. But that was alright. He could still dream.
~
“Thanks so much for coming with me,” Tegoshi repeated for what must have been the eighth time since they’d boarded the train. “I want to see these fireworks so badly, but it’s boring to go alone. I don’t know why no one else would come.”
Probably for the same reason Massu wouldn’t have gone if it had been anyone other than Tegoshi who had asked; it was going to be packed to the high heavens. But only a mad person passed up a chance to watch a fireworks display with their crush, and so Massu had readily agreed to accompany him.
As predicted, the crush of people was astounding, but Tegoshi and Massu managed to find a spot on the grass. It was a bit humid, but Tegoshi didn’t seem to mind being pressed in against Massu, and Massu certainly wasn’t going to complain.
“It feels a bit like we’re a couple,” Tegoshi said casually, and Massu felt his heart stop. He stared at Tegoshi with a shocked and bewildered expression until Tegoshi laughed and jostled him gently with his elbow. “I’m just kidding. Don’t look so serious. You’ll get premature wrinkles.”
“Ahaha,” Massu laughed half-heartedly along with him, feeling fluttery and disappointed and relieved all at once.
The display was beautiful, but somehow Tegoshi was more so, and Massu kept sneaking glances at him, watching as his eyes lit up with both childish glee and the reflected light of the fireworks. Eventually Tegoshi caught him staring and raised an eyebrow, fixing Massu with an inquisitive smile.
“What is it?”
Massu couldn’t help but blush and stutter, but eventually settled on saying, “… I was just thinking that you look happy.”
Tegoshi’s smile grew softer. “Yeah. I am. Thank you.”
They both looked back up into the sky and their fingers brushed.
~
‘Dear Tegoshi-kun,
It’s getting closer to graduation now. Everyone is busy and we haven’t really seen each other outside of school for a few weeks. It feels kind of lonely. I wonder if you feel lonely too? But you’re so busy, maybe you don’t have the time spare to think about me.
Sorry to change the subject so suddenly, but I feel a bit like a bad person recently. Tegoshi-kun isn’t mine, but I can’t help getting a little bit possessive of you. When Kasumi-chan confessed to you the other day at school, I suddenly felt like I hated her. I didn’t want to, and when you told her there was someone else that you like, I didn’t need to hate her, but I still couldn’t help it. I think I probably hate whichever girl you do like too, even though I don’t know who she is.
I’m not sure why you don’t confess to her, because I’m sure you could have anyone you want at school. But I’m still glad you don’t. It gives me a little more time to dream. Maybe you’re waiting for graduation too. Even so, I’ll still give you my letters. Or letter. I still haven’t decided if I can give them all to you. I think they keeping getting steadily more embarrassing as I go on. It’s easy to say whatever you want when you’re writing it down on paper you’re not sure if anyone will ever see.
Anyway. I want to see you soon. I miss you.’
The envelope he kept the letters in was starting to get full, and it was hard to cram this one in. There must have been almost ten by now, Massu counted. Tegoshi would probably only read the first one anyway. No one wanted to read a ton of sappy love letters from another guy. But that didn’t really matter, he decided. He’d keep writing them until he had no reason to write them anymore.
~
It was late. They were studying together again, this time at Massu’s house, and by the time they remembered to look at the clock, hours had passed without them noticing.
“Just stay over,” Massu’s mother offered, with a smile much like her son’s. “It’s Saturday tomorrow, so there’s no problem.”
Tegoshi accepted immediately, and Massu’s mom went about setting up two futons in the tatami room while Tegoshi and Massu had a snack before bed.
Massu couldn’t help wondering, as they got ready to go to sleep, whether or not he’d be able to sleep a wink with Tegoshi lying next to him, breathing the same air and sharing the same space. He half hoped they’d talk late into the night, because at least that would distract him from everything he knew he shouldn’t think about.
Fortunately, Tegoshi was a chatterbox, and he had at least a hundred and two things to talk about now that the lights were out and they were supposed to be sleeping. Massu repeatedly had to remind him to lower his voice so he wouldn’t wake up his parents and older sister. He was still very aware of his presence, right next to him, but with Tegoshi rambling on about soccer and tests and fashion, as Massu had predicted, it wasn’t too bad.
Eventually, Tegoshi began to grow quieter, and Massu wondered if he was slowly falling asleep. But then Tegoshi spoke in a soft voice, “I’m really glad that I’m here with you, Massu.”
Massu’s heart somehow simultaneously managed to melt and pound at the same time.
“That’s… I’m… yeah. I like spending time with you too,” he replied, voice equally low.
There was a rustling, and then suddenly Tegoshi’s hand was covering his, skin warm and the pads of his fingers soft. There was a pause before Massu, trying not to think about it too hard, turned his hand so he and Tegoshi were palm to palm.
“It’s nearly graduation,” Tegoshi continued in the same tone, “but even when you’re not at school anymore, I want us to stay friends. Massu is too important to me to lose contact with. So I’d like it if you could promise…”
He trailed off, giving Massu’s hand a gentle squeeze. Massu squeezed back and tried not to hope too hard.
~
‘I don’t want to get my hopes up. I really don’t want to, because the higher I let them get, the more it’ll hurt if I fall. But I wonder if maybe… just maybe… I’m the one you like? Is that why you haven’t confessed when you’re usually so gung-ho about that kind of thing? I’ve been wondering ever since the night you stayed over. I don’t know. I’m not sure what to do. It makes me want to give you these letters sooner, if there’s a chance you could like me back. But at the same time, if you don’t, it’ll be awkward to go through these last weeks at school if I confess earlier. So I think I’ll wait. But at least it’s helped me decide that yes, I’ll definitely be able to give you the letter. Maybe even all of these letters.
You said you still want to be able to see me once I’ve left school. Maybe that means that even if you don’t or can’t return my feelings, you’ll still want to see me after I confess. Now that I think about it, I guess you were never the type to worry about things like that. But it’s hard for me not to be nervous anyway.
I think this will be the last letter, Tegoshi-kun. It’s nearly time. I kind of want to say thank you for letting me write them, but that would be weird, wouldn’t it? Because it’s not like you really had any choice. But I guess in a way our hearts are sort of connected while I write to you. Well, maybe. Still, thank you for everything.
Love Massu’
He sealed the envelope this time, writing Tegoshi’s full name across the front in neat characters, before putting it into his desk drawer. Soon. Soon, he would finally hand deliver these letters to their recipient, after months of waiting. Even though it wasn’t time yet, Massu still had to take a deep breath to calm himself as he switched off his desk light and crawled into bed.
~
It was just before his last exam that the accident happened. He was late, and that’s probably why he risked it, running out onto the road when he should’ve waited. There was no pain. How could there be when he only had a split second to realise what was happening?
His last thoughts weren’t very profound; they weren’t about life or his family, or Tegoshi, though he had just been thinking that morning that this would be his last exam before he handed over the letters. Then again, it was Massu, so maybe it was appropriate that the last thing he thought, in that last second before he realised the truck was going to slam into his body, was simple, even calm.
‘Wish this had happened before I wasted all my time studying for these exams,’ was all he managed before his life was knocked from him in one fell swoop.
It was weeks before his parents could even think about starting to go through his room, their grief too much to let them accept that they needed to; that he was gone. And so it was months before they came across the envelope in his desk, long after graduation, addressed to Tegoshi Yuya, now a third year in high school.
Massu’s mother didn’t open it. She was curious, but somehow it seemed wrong, and despite not knowing what the envelope contained, felt that maybe it would be too painful to see it anyway. Instead, she delivered it to its rightful owner, and Tegoshi took it from her with a polite bow, a soft thank you, and more condolences even though he, too, was still hurting.
It hadn’t been the way Massu had planned for him to receive them. But at least his last wish had been fulfilled.
~
‘Dear Massu,
It’s been three months, but it doesn’t feel like it. I’m not sure if it feels longer or shorter. Maybe both. I’m not sure what to say. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I have too much. Far too much. I have a whole two years of things that I’ve kept stored away in my head, addressed to you, that somehow never made it out of my mouth. Maybe I should’ve done what you did, put it all down on paper, but I think maybe I’d have had at least 700 letters addressed to you by now if I’d done that. Maybe this is easier. Maybe this is better. Because I just have this one letter to write now, and so I’ll only put down the most important things.
I wish you’d told me sooner. It was stupid to wait until graduation. You should’ve told me at the fireworks display. Or when you were over at my house. Or when I was at yours. You should’ve kissed me. I’m almost angry at you, but I guess that’s not fair. I should’ve told you sooner as well. Maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe you’d still be here.
I hate what-ifs.
You know, I fell in love with you from the start. You were the only one to really take awkward little Yuya under your wing and help me grow up confident. I wonder where I’d be if it wasn’t for you. You wrote to me that you’re just dorky Masuda, and I’m popular and the captain of the soccer team, but I sometimes think I wouldn’t be all that if it hadn’t been for dorky Massu. Massu is why I am who I am. That’s why I loved you. Love you. I think I still do. I knew from the start that I wouldn’t fall for anyone else. Thought I never would.
Would you hate me if the next person I fall in love with was a bit like you? Part of me knows it’s not a good idea, because I know I should let go. But another part of me doesn’t want to wonder. If I find someone like you, maybe I’ll at least know a little what it would’ve felt like to love you properly. To be held by you. Kissed by you. I know I shouldn’t, but…
But.
You’d be jealous, right? I kind of like that. That you liked me enough to be jealous. But I know you’d want me to move on, even if on the surface you felt like you didn’t. Because you want me to be happy. Massu was too nice to want me to hurt forever. And I’ll move on. I know I will. And it will start to feel better if I let it. But right now…
I’m glad I got your letters. I kind of thought you might like me as well, you know. But I didn’t want you to disappear from in front of me if I was wrong. At least this is one thing I won’t have to wonder about forever. We were both cowards, weren’t we? I guess we’ve paid the price now.
But you know, at least the time we did spend together will never disappear. And even if, at that time, we left a lot of things unsaid between us, it doesn’t make it any less precious. So thank you, Massu. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for writing to me. Thank you for loving me.
Keep watching over me from above. I’ll do my best to become happy for you. Please wait for me.
Tegoshi Yuya.’
He held the lighter up to the paper, letting the fire eat at the letter and catching the ashes it left behind. Once the last little lick of flame disappeared, Tegoshi sprinkled them over the grave, twirling down through the air to settle below the headstone.
Tegoshi looked up into the grey sky, eyes wet but tears not falling.
“There you are, Massu,” he spoke into the empty air. “There’s my answer.”