Drabble - Unpretty
Title: Unpretty
Characters: Tegoshi & Masuda
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Part of a bigger story I'm working on. Trigger warning for eating disorders (bulimia).
Summary: If only all imperfections were so easy to remove.
His stomach bulges out grotesquely from his body, a swollen mountain on his tiny pixy frame.
He’s on his back because breathing hurts at any other angle, and he has a perfect view of the way his belly seemingly rises out of the flat plane of his chest like a peak.
He wants to throw up again, but he’s dizzy from the first three times, and he thinks he may have already popped a blood vessel in his eye. He’s not good at throwing up, anyway. Three times and he’s still so stuffed it hurts. Three times and who knows how many thousand calories are still inside him, seeping through his body, settling in his limbs and around his organs.
He imagines them expanding, taking shape and swelling into fat, ballooning him along with them. He hates himself for eating. He doesn’t feel pure anymore. His fans expect someone perfect. Someone beautiful. At the moment, Tegoshi feels like he’s neither of those things. He looks 6 months pregnant with bloodshot eyes and a scratchy throat that isn’t currently capable of hitting the clear, high notes he’s known for.
If only there was an easier way to get the food out.
He runs his smooth, deft hands - he likes his hands - over the curves of his stomach, making imaginary incisions with his nails. If only he could cut himself open, purge the food that way, sew himself back up.
He wonders if he’d rather be fat or scarred. It’s a difficult choice.
If only all imperfections were so easy to remove. Tegoshi wants to peel away his own skin, scoop out all the imperfections laying underneath, give his fans the perfect idol they think he is instead of this greedy, undisciplined pig with no self-control.
‘Have to scoop out your mind then too, wouldn’t you,’ the other him in his head says, in that biting, malicious tone that rarely passes from Tegoshi’s own lips, and Tegoshi scratches at his stomach more desperately, nails raking along the path of his digestive tract.
That’s how Massu finds him later, lying on his back on the futon in his boxers, arms curled around his bare stomach, surrounded by empty shopping bags and food wrappers.
He doesn’t say a word as he starts to clear them away, sorting them into the correct recycling bags, then padding into the bathroom. Tegoshi hears the telltale slosh of Massu scrubbing the toilet, followed by the sound of it flushing before he returns to sit cross-legged at his side.
Massu isn’t good with words, but he knows the clean apartment helps Tegoshi start to feel clean inside again too, and Tegoshi is grateful for that.
They remain there in silence until the sun begins to dip low enough to glare through Tegoshi’s apartment window, as though it’s watching - judging - him, and Massu sighs and slides his hand across Tegoshi’s abdomen, sitting just atop his belly button.
“You’re beautiful, you know,” he says, and Tegoshi takes back what he thought.
Massu is amazing with words.
Characters: Tegoshi & Masuda
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Part of a bigger story I'm working on. Trigger warning for eating disorders (bulimia).
Summary: If only all imperfections were so easy to remove.
His stomach bulges out grotesquely from his body, a swollen mountain on his tiny pixy frame.
He’s on his back because breathing hurts at any other angle, and he has a perfect view of the way his belly seemingly rises out of the flat plane of his chest like a peak.
He wants to throw up again, but he’s dizzy from the first three times, and he thinks he may have already popped a blood vessel in his eye. He’s not good at throwing up, anyway. Three times and he’s still so stuffed it hurts. Three times and who knows how many thousand calories are still inside him, seeping through his body, settling in his limbs and around his organs.
He imagines them expanding, taking shape and swelling into fat, ballooning him along with them. He hates himself for eating. He doesn’t feel pure anymore. His fans expect someone perfect. Someone beautiful. At the moment, Tegoshi feels like he’s neither of those things. He looks 6 months pregnant with bloodshot eyes and a scratchy throat that isn’t currently capable of hitting the clear, high notes he’s known for.
If only there was an easier way to get the food out.
He runs his smooth, deft hands - he likes his hands - over the curves of his stomach, making imaginary incisions with his nails. If only he could cut himself open, purge the food that way, sew himself back up.
He wonders if he’d rather be fat or scarred. It’s a difficult choice.
If only all imperfections were so easy to remove. Tegoshi wants to peel away his own skin, scoop out all the imperfections laying underneath, give his fans the perfect idol they think he is instead of this greedy, undisciplined pig with no self-control.
‘Have to scoop out your mind then too, wouldn’t you,’ the other him in his head says, in that biting, malicious tone that rarely passes from Tegoshi’s own lips, and Tegoshi scratches at his stomach more desperately, nails raking along the path of his digestive tract.
That’s how Massu finds him later, lying on his back on the futon in his boxers, arms curled around his bare stomach, surrounded by empty shopping bags and food wrappers.
He doesn’t say a word as he starts to clear them away, sorting them into the correct recycling bags, then padding into the bathroom. Tegoshi hears the telltale slosh of Massu scrubbing the toilet, followed by the sound of it flushing before he returns to sit cross-legged at his side.
Massu isn’t good with words, but he knows the clean apartment helps Tegoshi start to feel clean inside again too, and Tegoshi is grateful for that.
They remain there in silence until the sun begins to dip low enough to glare through Tegoshi’s apartment window, as though it’s watching - judging - him, and Massu sighs and slides his hand across Tegoshi’s abdomen, sitting just atop his belly button.
“You’re beautiful, you know,” he says, and Tegoshi takes back what he thought.
Massu is amazing with words.