neat. i'm gonna die alone....ok you win.
i had my first revelatory introspective discovery in years tonight. i'll break this down for the two of you that may or may not even see this. this week i received a friend request from one elizabeth jane jackson, liz to some, jane to 50% of people who'll read this. anyway, this was the girl for whom my first band was named, and receiving that request took me back to that summer when we met and, i'll be honest, i totally fell in love with her, and the events of the following summer that took her out of my life forever basically. thinking about this while driving home from first fridays tonight, an event i attended regularly with a different former lover, took me on an unexpected detour.
listening to kid a, which i haven't listened to in ages, i decided i was going to creepily drive by the houses of my girlfriends of yesteryear. naturally i decided to do this chronologically, starting with deena gunnell, proceeding to ali hansen, and ending with elizabeth koebele. as i drove past each house, each long since vacated by those that made those drives worth it, old emtions i really haven't felt in years really swelled over me. the pain of the breakups having long since vanished, all that i remembered were the positive feelings and good memories i had in these edifices that once housed individuals that in one way or another changed me and my life.
that's neat, right? this kind of experience typically should have brought nice, warm fuzzies that ended in a melancholy and longing for my past of impossible happiness that somehow existed in some fold in the fabric of space/time. but not this time.
of late, when ever i feel particularly introspective, i rarely come across any thought i haven't thought before. which, obviously, for an introvert has an excruciating harshness that would drive a man insane. but tonight, for the first time in years, i thought of something different, a stream of consciousness that took me some place i never knew existed in this underworked mind.
i realized these emotions i was feeling for these former lovers were that i loved them and they loved me..in spite of myself. this was something i feel was rare growing up, or maybe was just too impersonal for me to feel like it was real. anyway, the point is they were able to give me something that was unlike anything i could get anywhere else, and liz jackson was the first that i had ever received that from. she was also the first female in my life that my parents went to lengths to keep away from me..and were extremely successful in that venture.
there's a whole backstory i'm not going to go into, but the bottom line is this, she lived in utah and only visited during the summer, and my parents made sure she stayed in utah for the summer...forever. i hated them for that. for keeping me away from a happiness i never felt around them from a love that i never received from them. it seemed to me to be this destructive mentality, "since we can't be the ones to give that to you, we'll be the ones to make sure you never have that in your life." and that seemed the cycle whenever i dated anyone after that. they would do their best to try and be disruptive to that relationship as they could..and i would do my best to not let them...but it always was a source of serious contention that my significant other couldn't really feel like they were welcome in my home and ultimately led to the eventual termination of all three major relationships.
anyway, as i pulled into my driveway at the conclusion of idioteque, i realized this is why i now lack the ability to find or date anyone..my parents are now pushing me to do it. it's no longer an act against them and it just can never hold for me what it used to...
listening to kid a, which i haven't listened to in ages, i decided i was going to creepily drive by the houses of my girlfriends of yesteryear. naturally i decided to do this chronologically, starting with deena gunnell, proceeding to ali hansen, and ending with elizabeth koebele. as i drove past each house, each long since vacated by those that made those drives worth it, old emtions i really haven't felt in years really swelled over me. the pain of the breakups having long since vanished, all that i remembered were the positive feelings and good memories i had in these edifices that once housed individuals that in one way or another changed me and my life.
that's neat, right? this kind of experience typically should have brought nice, warm fuzzies that ended in a melancholy and longing for my past of impossible happiness that somehow existed in some fold in the fabric of space/time. but not this time.
of late, when ever i feel particularly introspective, i rarely come across any thought i haven't thought before. which, obviously, for an introvert has an excruciating harshness that would drive a man insane. but tonight, for the first time in years, i thought of something different, a stream of consciousness that took me some place i never knew existed in this underworked mind.
i realized these emotions i was feeling for these former lovers were that i loved them and they loved me..in spite of myself. this was something i feel was rare growing up, or maybe was just too impersonal for me to feel like it was real. anyway, the point is they were able to give me something that was unlike anything i could get anywhere else, and liz jackson was the first that i had ever received that from. she was also the first female in my life that my parents went to lengths to keep away from me..and were extremely successful in that venture.
there's a whole backstory i'm not going to go into, but the bottom line is this, she lived in utah and only visited during the summer, and my parents made sure she stayed in utah for the summer...forever. i hated them for that. for keeping me away from a happiness i never felt around them from a love that i never received from them. it seemed to me to be this destructive mentality, "since we can't be the ones to give that to you, we'll be the ones to make sure you never have that in your life." and that seemed the cycle whenever i dated anyone after that. they would do their best to try and be disruptive to that relationship as they could..and i would do my best to not let them...but it always was a source of serious contention that my significant other couldn't really feel like they were welcome in my home and ultimately led to the eventual termination of all three major relationships.
anyway, as i pulled into my driveway at the conclusion of idioteque, i realized this is why i now lack the ability to find or date anyone..my parents are now pushing me to do it. it's no longer an act against them and it just can never hold for me what it used to...