Ichiyo and Dari: Gossip Kings (A ridiculous one-shot)
OOC: note: for the purpose of this fic, italics = Japanese! Wheee!
This fic is NSFW because most people don’t want to laugh like a moron at work
“What time is it there?” Ichiyo asked accusatorily as Gekko passed the phone receiver to him.
“6 in the morning.” Dari replied, unsurprised by Ichiyo’s choice of greeting.
“It’s summer, Dari.” Ichiyo’s voice sounded exasperated.
Dari snorted amusedly. “It’s not as if it’s 6 in the morning THERE. I let you sleep in.”
“You’re supposed to sleep in too!” Ichiyo objected. “It’s weird not to sleep in!”
“Ichiyo, since you’ve known me, when have I ever slept in?” Dari was just laughing on his end of the phone. “What are you hoping to accomplish, telling me off for it now?”
“Sometimes I just have to try, with you!” Ichiyo sighed exasperatedly, leaning on the wall next to the phone. “So why are you calling, anyway? Did more evil people come over for tea?”
“No.” Dari said, cutting off that line of thought shortly. “…I just- uhm. Well. I wanted to let you know that Glynna and I made up.”
“So you call me at 6 in the morning to tell me that?” Ichiyo sounded bewildered. “You woke up and decided ‘I need to tell Ichiyo-kun that Glynna isn’t mad at me anymore’? Dari. Is she your girlfriend or am I?”
“Well, what would you do without me passing on all the gossip that’s going on around here?” Dari’s voice was defensive. “You’re fueled by it, aren’t you?”
“You say that, but you’re the one calling me with gossip all the time! I don’t call you to ask!” Ichiyo snickered. “I think you’re the one who needs to gossip and everybody just blames me for it! I am your gossip goat!”
There was a moment of bewildered silence on Dari’s end of the phone. “…Gossip goat?”
“Like a goat that you throw up to take the blame for you.”
“Oh. You mean gossip scapegoat.” Dari corrected.
Ichiyo’s shrug was almost audible. “Whatever kind of goat. That’s me. You’re the one who gossips all the time!”
“Well, try to get somebody else to believe you.” Dari said with a laugh.
Ichiyo laughed along with him. “Well, congratulations to not be fighting with Glynna. At least you don’t sound all sad anymore.” He dropped his voice into a teasing tone. “Did you kiss a lot?”
“Heh.” Dari grinned stupidly into the phone. “Yes. Yes we did.”
Ichiyo’s eyes narrowed in suspicion at the wall opposite him. “Hmmm… you sound like you’re making a dumb face.” Dari just laughed in response. “Am I supposed to ask how much you kissed or something now? Was it like an hour? Did Dove-chan come home and find you putting on lip gloss?”
Dari was laughing harder now. “No. What? No.”
“There’s something weird about you!” Ichiyo declared to the phone, exasperated. “And you’re going to make me guess what it is, because you’re annoying!”
“Yes I am!” Dari said smugly.
Ichiyo sighed tiredly. “You’re like a little baby who needs to be entertained, all the time.”
“Shut up.” There was still a laugh in Dari’s voice.
“What will you do with all those boring people at medical school? Will you gossip about lungs? Or butts? But not the fun part of butts? …Or the fun part of butts, but in a way that makes it sound really boring?” Ichiyo could even mock in a tone of exasperation. “What will you do without me, Dari? You’ll miss me so much.”
“I’m not missing you much right now!”
“Says the person who called me at 6 in the morning to talk about how he kissed his girlfriend and probably saw her boobs!” Ichiyo cracked up laughing.
Dari snickered into the phone and it sounded like a confession.
“Haha! You did! You saw her boobs!” Ichiyo said, way too loudly, considering that he was talking on the phone in his father’s study. Hiroji had been trying to ignore this obnoxious conversation from the start, but became particularly determined when Ichiyo started talking about the fun part of butts.
“I saw everything.” Dari said with emphasis.
“What.” Ichiyo gasped in horrified shock. “Dari! You were an innocent little boy two weeks ago who didn’t know what boobs looked like!”
“…Ichiyo I’ve read anatomy books extensivel-“
“You aren’t supposed to go from an innocent little boy holding hands and blushing to saying you love girls and having sex all over the house in two weeks, Dari!” Ichiyo didn’t take this lecture remotely seriously. And if anything, he was getting louder.
“We didn’t have sex all over the house!” Dari inadvertently raised his voice, abruptly glad that Dove was such a heavy sleeper, and dropped it back down to a regular speaking tone. “Just in my room.”
“You’re so proud.” Ichiyo’s voice was all mockery. “It’s so cute. You called me to tell me you had sex. It’s like I’m your dad.”
“…You wouldn’t call your father and tell him you had sex.”
“Well, only if it was funny.” Ichiyo snickered. “Anyway, you would.”
“I called you first.” Dari said, amused.
That prompted a laugh. “I’m honoured!”
“But I’m not calling him about this.” Dari rolled his eyes lightly, imagining the prospect. “I think I’ve had enough awkward conversations with my father to last me a while.”
“Well I’m glad you want to call and have awkward conversations with me, instead.” Ichiyo said, though he didn’t feel awkward in the least and wasn’t sure if he was even capable of it. “So, did you have fun?”
“It was fucking incredible.” Dari said, grinning into the phone again. “It went so fucking perfectly. I couldn’t have planned it better. No. If I’d planned it it wouldn’t have been as good. It was amazing.”
“Awwwww.” Ichiyo cooed. “You’re so cute.”
“Shut up.” Dari replied shortly.
That was never a command that Ichiyo listened to. “So now does she know about how you’re secretly super perverted?”
“You’re overstating the case. …But yes, I may have said some things that indicated that I have more sexual impulses than she might have suspected.”
“Because normally you talk like a robot? Like you just did?”
Dari was offended. “In what way am I speaking like a robot?”
“You use way too many words. I don’t even speak very good English and I know you sound weird. People don’t talk like you.” Ichiyo said. “It sounds like you’re thinking about everything you say.”
“The fact that you think it’s odd to think about what you say before you say it explains a lot about you, Ichiyo.” Dari paused. “Can we please go back to talking about how I’m great at sex?”
Ichiyo knew he was going to remember this conversation with great amusement, maybe forever. “I don’t remember talking about that.”
“I was getting to it.”
“Are you the one that’s supposed to be saying that about yourself?” Ichiyo was laughing again, now. “Isn’t Glynna supposed to tell me that? I think if you’re bragging maybe you’re really bad at it and you don’t know it!”
“If the statistics on the subject can be believed, I am at the very least ahead of the game.” Dari insisted.
“WHAT.” Ichiyo was back to being too loud. “Dari. Dari. Are you going to start talking about sex like Larry talks about sports. Dari. Are you going to tell me how long the coach lets you play and count orgasms like they’re quaffle passes because Dari. Even Larry doesn’t talk about sex like it’s a game of Quidditch, Dari. You robot.”
“Ichiyo! Shut up!” Dari snapped into the phone, cringing with embarrassment. “My research on the subject helped, alright!?”
“Did you take notes?” Ichiyo was a solid wall of mockery and there would be no escape. “Did you take detailed notes? Did you prepare a test at the end for Glynna?”
“Are you making fun of me for turning it into a sport or academic exercise? Make up your mind!”
“Please turn to page 38 of your exam guide… there is a diagram. Please label it and rank the anatomy by how hard it makes you come.”
“Fuck off.” Dari grumbled, although he wasn’t unamused. “And don’t do your imitation of Professor McGonagall when you say that, it makes it weird.”
“Congratulations, Dari.” Ichiyo said, persisting in his impression. “You get an O. For Outstanding. And also Orgasms.”
Dari was laughing again now. “I’m going to hang up.”
“Dari. Dari. This is you. ’Oh, Good morning, Ichiyo, it’s 6am and I am great at sex, I just thought you wanted to know because I know you would be proud and I love you, okay, now goodbye. I have to draw up a chart to prove how good I am.’” Ichiyo’s Dari impersonation was not particularly convincing, but he figured he was getting the point across.
“I am really going to fucking hang up, you asshole.”
“I made Glynna write an essay about it.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“Her third paragraph was all about how big my cock is.”
Dari hung up the phone.
Ichiyo looked over his shoulder at his father. “Dari and Glynna had sex. Dari had fun.”
“…I’m very happy for him.” Hiroji answered sarcastically, giving his son an exasperated look. “You know, if you want to get a cellphone, I’ll pay your bill until you get a job. So your friends can call you on it. And you can answer somewhere else.”
“Wow, really? That’s so generous! Thanks!” Ichiyo said cheerfully, as the phone rang again. He picked up. “Moshi moshi?”
Dari’s tone feigned frustration in order to hide his amusement at the way their previous conversation had ended. “So did you want to hang out later?”
“Yes, let’s go shopping.” Ichiyo said cheerfully. “I need to go buy a cellphone.”
This fic is NSFW because most people don’t want to laugh like a moron at work
“What time is it there?” Ichiyo asked accusatorily as Gekko passed the phone receiver to him.
“6 in the morning.” Dari replied, unsurprised by Ichiyo’s choice of greeting.
“It’s summer, Dari.” Ichiyo’s voice sounded exasperated.
Dari snorted amusedly. “It’s not as if it’s 6 in the morning THERE. I let you sleep in.”
“You’re supposed to sleep in too!” Ichiyo objected. “It’s weird not to sleep in!”
“Ichiyo, since you’ve known me, when have I ever slept in?” Dari was just laughing on his end of the phone. “What are you hoping to accomplish, telling me off for it now?”
“Sometimes I just have to try, with you!” Ichiyo sighed exasperatedly, leaning on the wall next to the phone. “So why are you calling, anyway? Did more evil people come over for tea?”
“No.” Dari said, cutting off that line of thought shortly. “…I just- uhm. Well. I wanted to let you know that Glynna and I made up.”
“So you call me at 6 in the morning to tell me that?” Ichiyo sounded bewildered. “You woke up and decided ‘I need to tell Ichiyo-kun that Glynna isn’t mad at me anymore’? Dari. Is she your girlfriend or am I?”
“Well, what would you do without me passing on all the gossip that’s going on around here?” Dari’s voice was defensive. “You’re fueled by it, aren’t you?”
“You say that, but you’re the one calling me with gossip all the time! I don’t call you to ask!” Ichiyo snickered. “I think you’re the one who needs to gossip and everybody just blames me for it! I am your gossip goat!”
There was a moment of bewildered silence on Dari’s end of the phone. “…Gossip goat?”
“Like a goat that you throw up to take the blame for you.”
“Oh. You mean gossip scapegoat.” Dari corrected.
Ichiyo’s shrug was almost audible. “Whatever kind of goat. That’s me. You’re the one who gossips all the time!”
“Well, try to get somebody else to believe you.” Dari said with a laugh.
Ichiyo laughed along with him. “Well, congratulations to not be fighting with Glynna. At least you don’t sound all sad anymore.” He dropped his voice into a teasing tone. “Did you kiss a lot?”
“Heh.” Dari grinned stupidly into the phone. “Yes. Yes we did.”
Ichiyo’s eyes narrowed in suspicion at the wall opposite him. “Hmmm… you sound like you’re making a dumb face.” Dari just laughed in response. “Am I supposed to ask how much you kissed or something now? Was it like an hour? Did Dove-chan come home and find you putting on lip gloss?”
Dari was laughing harder now. “No. What? No.”
“There’s something weird about you!” Ichiyo declared to the phone, exasperated. “And you’re going to make me guess what it is, because you’re annoying!”
“Yes I am!” Dari said smugly.
Ichiyo sighed tiredly. “You’re like a little baby who needs to be entertained, all the time.”
“Shut up.” There was still a laugh in Dari’s voice.
“What will you do with all those boring people at medical school? Will you gossip about lungs? Or butts? But not the fun part of butts? …Or the fun part of butts, but in a way that makes it sound really boring?” Ichiyo could even mock in a tone of exasperation. “What will you do without me, Dari? You’ll miss me so much.”
“I’m not missing you much right now!”
“Says the person who called me at 6 in the morning to talk about how he kissed his girlfriend and probably saw her boobs!” Ichiyo cracked up laughing.
Dari snickered into the phone and it sounded like a confession.
“Haha! You did! You saw her boobs!” Ichiyo said, way too loudly, considering that he was talking on the phone in his father’s study. Hiroji had been trying to ignore this obnoxious conversation from the start, but became particularly determined when Ichiyo started talking about the fun part of butts.
“I saw everything.” Dari said with emphasis.
“What.” Ichiyo gasped in horrified shock. “Dari! You were an innocent little boy two weeks ago who didn’t know what boobs looked like!”
“…Ichiyo I’ve read anatomy books extensivel-“
“You aren’t supposed to go from an innocent little boy holding hands and blushing to saying you love girls and having sex all over the house in two weeks, Dari!” Ichiyo didn’t take this lecture remotely seriously. And if anything, he was getting louder.
“We didn’t have sex all over the house!” Dari inadvertently raised his voice, abruptly glad that Dove was such a heavy sleeper, and dropped it back down to a regular speaking tone. “Just in my room.”
“You’re so proud.” Ichiyo’s voice was all mockery. “It’s so cute. You called me to tell me you had sex. It’s like I’m your dad.”
“…You wouldn’t call your father and tell him you had sex.”
“Well, only if it was funny.” Ichiyo snickered. “Anyway, you would.”
“I called you first.” Dari said, amused.
That prompted a laugh. “I’m honoured!”
“But I’m not calling him about this.” Dari rolled his eyes lightly, imagining the prospect. “I think I’ve had enough awkward conversations with my father to last me a while.”
“Well I’m glad you want to call and have awkward conversations with me, instead.” Ichiyo said, though he didn’t feel awkward in the least and wasn’t sure if he was even capable of it. “So, did you have fun?”
“It was fucking incredible.” Dari said, grinning into the phone again. “It went so fucking perfectly. I couldn’t have planned it better. No. If I’d planned it it wouldn’t have been as good. It was amazing.”
“Awwwww.” Ichiyo cooed. “You’re so cute.”
“Shut up.” Dari replied shortly.
That was never a command that Ichiyo listened to. “So now does she know about how you’re secretly super perverted?”
“You’re overstating the case. …But yes, I may have said some things that indicated that I have more sexual impulses than she might have suspected.”
“Because normally you talk like a robot? Like you just did?”
Dari was offended. “In what way am I speaking like a robot?”
“You use way too many words. I don’t even speak very good English and I know you sound weird. People don’t talk like you.” Ichiyo said. “It sounds like you’re thinking about everything you say.”
“The fact that you think it’s odd to think about what you say before you say it explains a lot about you, Ichiyo.” Dari paused. “Can we please go back to talking about how I’m great at sex?”
Ichiyo knew he was going to remember this conversation with great amusement, maybe forever. “I don’t remember talking about that.”
“I was getting to it.”
“Are you the one that’s supposed to be saying that about yourself?” Ichiyo was laughing again, now. “Isn’t Glynna supposed to tell me that? I think if you’re bragging maybe you’re really bad at it and you don’t know it!”
“If the statistics on the subject can be believed, I am at the very least ahead of the game.” Dari insisted.
“WHAT.” Ichiyo was back to being too loud. “Dari. Dari. Are you going to start talking about sex like Larry talks about sports. Dari. Are you going to tell me how long the coach lets you play and count orgasms like they’re quaffle passes because Dari. Even Larry doesn’t talk about sex like it’s a game of Quidditch, Dari. You robot.”
“Ichiyo! Shut up!” Dari snapped into the phone, cringing with embarrassment. “My research on the subject helped, alright!?”
“Did you take notes?” Ichiyo was a solid wall of mockery and there would be no escape. “Did you take detailed notes? Did you prepare a test at the end for Glynna?”
“Are you making fun of me for turning it into a sport or academic exercise? Make up your mind!”
“Please turn to page 38 of your exam guide… there is a diagram. Please label it and rank the anatomy by how hard it makes you come.”
“Fuck off.” Dari grumbled, although he wasn’t unamused. “And don’t do your imitation of Professor McGonagall when you say that, it makes it weird.”
“Congratulations, Dari.” Ichiyo said, persisting in his impression. “You get an O. For Outstanding. And also Orgasms.”
Dari was laughing again now. “I’m going to hang up.”
“Dari. Dari. This is you. ’Oh, Good morning, Ichiyo, it’s 6am and I am great at sex, I just thought you wanted to know because I know you would be proud and I love you, okay, now goodbye. I have to draw up a chart to prove how good I am.’” Ichiyo’s Dari impersonation was not particularly convincing, but he figured he was getting the point across.
“I am really going to fucking hang up, you asshole.”
“I made Glynna write an essay about it.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“Her third paragraph was all about how big my cock is.”
Dari hung up the phone.
Ichiyo looked over his shoulder at his father. “Dari and Glynna had sex. Dari had fun.”
“…I’m very happy for him.” Hiroji answered sarcastically, giving his son an exasperated look. “You know, if you want to get a cellphone, I’ll pay your bill until you get a job. So your friends can call you on it. And you can answer somewhere else.”
“Wow, really? That’s so generous! Thanks!” Ichiyo said cheerfully, as the phone rang again. He picked up. “Moshi moshi?”
Dari’s tone feigned frustration in order to hide his amusement at the way their previous conversation had ended. “So did you want to hang out later?”
“Yes, let’s go shopping.” Ichiyo said cheerfully. “I need to go buy a cellphone.”