Shades of Gray- chapter 2
On a hill, far away from Blood Pledge Castle, I can see it’s tall towers and stonewalls being shadowed in the sunset. Immediately after our confrontation in the basement, Wolfram and I snuck up to our bedroom and took enough clothes to last us a week. Then he went to the kitchen and grabbed some food for the road.
Yozak found us filling one of our packs with food. He gave me a skeptical and almost chastising look. Then Wolfram stood up and turned around, looking straight into Yozak’s sky blue eyes.
I could tell by Yozak’s stricken expression that he could see the overwhelming sorrow in Wolfram’s green eyes. “We’re going away for a little while…just the two of us.” Their gaze never broke, Yozak trying desperately to compose himself, but failing horribly. Wolfram looked away first, slinging the pack of food over his shoulder and leaving the room.
I followed him, looking back once to see Yozak nod and then smile.
Now we’re on our respective horses, riding off into the unknown. I can tell that the spontaneity of this whole predicament is bothering Wolfram. He can be an impulsive person, but only for little matters. Something of this scale should be thought out better, prepared for, not just thrown together the last minute. He probably feels really uneasy, but refuses to pass up the opportunity to spend time with me.
We ride in the direction of a small town on the edge of the woods we had visited once. I like the Inn that we stayed in there. It will probably take us the whole night to get there, but that’s ok. I feel like the further we get away from all this, the better.
Wolfram rides beside me, silent and brooding. He has barely said a word to me the entire time since the basement, keeping his thoughts and words to himself. Being with him and having him this quiet unnerves me a little.
I forget how hard it is for him to bounce back from being hurt. Unlike me, things have a more powerful affect on him. I guess I could be considered flaky because of it. He lets his pain fester and mutate until it gets transformed into this retched being that eats him alive, destroying his resolve and confidence.
“Wolfram?”
He turns his head to me and in the dying light; I can see his tired eyes and tear streaked cheeks. He looks so worn down, so helpless and weak. I find him beautiful in a tragic way.
I realize that I haven’t said anything to him, so I just smile as warmly as I can manage. He tries to smile back, but can’t seem to find it in him. It comes out to be a slight twitch of the lips. The urge to hold him close hits me hard. I can imagine him in my arms, his body trembling as I kiss that frown away.
Blushing, I turn my gaze away in order to keep that thought from wandering too far. Before now, I had never considered that tragedy and romance could go hand in hand. I always thought that you had to be happy to have a good love life, that everything would go perfectly and life would be good. But seeing him like this, finally revealing to me the depths of his sorrow and his love for me, I find myself hopelessly drawn to him.
We arrive at the Inn just as the sun starts to rise. We spent the whole night riding at a steady pace in order to make it here in a reasonable amount of time. When we get into the room we booked for the week, Wolfram immediately collapses on the bed, with all his clothes and boots on, and starts to fall asleep.
A soothing sensation fills me up as I sit next to his prone form. Seeing him asleep and calm helps to calm me as well. I pull his boots off, then his socks, and then I pull the covers over him before shucking my shoes and socks and joining him in the small bed. Ok, it’s not that small, but small compared to what I’m used to.
In order to fit, I have to press myself against him. I start to get nervous due to our closeness until I can feel how cold he is. I put my own fears aside so I can warm him up. I wrap my arms around his shoulders so his head falls against my collarbone and our chests are mirroring each other.
He sighs and his breath caresses my neck. I’m happy that he’s comfortable and that his body temperature is rising. His body heat and the pendulant rhythm of his breathing and heartbeats eventually lull me to sleep.
I groan as the sun hits my closed eyes. I roll over in an attempt to escape the pesky sun, but it’s light permeates through the entire room, making it inevitable to escape. I stretch, groping blindly for Wolfram. The bed is empty aside from myself, so I start to panic a little. I open my eyes and sit up abruptly to look for him.
He’s at the foot of the bed, nude from the waist up with a clean shirt in his hands. He’s poised to put it on, but he was interrupted by my sudden jolt. He gives me a confused look before shaking his head and pulling the shirt on.
I can swear that I heard him mutter ‘wimp’, too.
“Oh,” I say with relief, rubbing my sleepy eyes with my fists, “Good morning, Wolfram.”
He sits on the side of the bed, making the mattress bow under his weight. “It’s not exactly morning. It’s more like early afternoon.”
I crawl out from under the covers and sit next to him on the edge of the bed. His body tenses as I approximate. I look over at him, but he refuses to meet my gaze. I miss the old Wolfram for a moment, wanting him to return my gaze with one that is heated and prideful.
Instead, he keeps his face forward, his eyes occasionally darting to the side to see if I’m still looking at him. I hate seeing him like this. Is this what I have really reduced Wolfram to? He seems like a completely different person.
I reach over and gently cradle the back of his head, pulling him close so he’s resting it against my shoulder. Then I lean my head on top of his.
He doesn’t say anything, he just lets out a long breath and his body becomes less tense. Was he afraid? Afraid that the decision to run away with him was a mistake, or that I thought it was a mistake? I don’t know. All I do know is that he needs me to comfort him.
But, even though he needs it, I don’t want him to take it the wrong way. He might misconceive this as a lover’s affection, when it’s only platonic affection. I know I shouldn’t comfort him too much, or he will expect too much, but I just can’t bring myself to tell him. I can’t say that it will never work and dash his only hope and dream. Hasn’t he been through enough already? Or am I using that as an excuse to be selfish again, to avoid my own discomfort?
“Do you want to go get something to eat?” I ask him.
He hesitates before muttering quietly, “I’m not hungry.”
He must be really depressed to not want to eat, considering that we haven’t eaten since yesterday morning.
“You have to eat something.”
“I feel sick.”
“Wolfram…”
“I’ll eat later, ok? You can go get something.”
I sigh, knowing that there is no way I can win against him in an argument. Gingerly I lift his head from my shoulder so I can stand up. “Fine, I’m going to get some dinner. I’ll be back in a while, and I’ll bring you some.”
He shimmies backwards onto the bed more, laying down and looking up at me with half-lidded eyes. He nods.
I leave him there, making sure the door is locked before going. The Inn food isn’t that good, so I decide to go to a nearby restaurant. The Inn is on the outskirts of the town, so I have to walk around the edge of the woods to get anywhere. I make sure to stay on guard while I do so, just incase someone decides to try to mug me. I’m wearing my disguise, with my brown contact lenses and sprayed brown hair.
I get past the forest safely and find a small restaurant. I order two meals, one that I know Wolfram will like. I brought the food pack, so when I get my order; I put it in the bag. The owner gives me a funny look, probably because people don’t usually take food with them. I tell him that I have someone else I have to feed who is sick, so he smiles and nods knowingly.
On the way back, the sun is to my back so my shadow stretches out before me like a carpet leading me in the right direction. When I pass the forest, something glimmering catches my eye. I know I shouldn’t go into the woods alone, especially at dusk, but I can’t help my curiosity. So I enter into the forest, following the direction of the glimmer.
I come upon a small clearing with a pond in it. The pond water isn’t that crystalline, so it doesn’t seem to be the source of the glimmer. I look around to find any sort of shiny object but to no avail. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see it again! I whip my head around to see what it is, but it’s only the pond again.
“But it can’t be the water…” I mutter to myself as I walk towards the water doubtfully.
Crouching on the bank of the pond, I scan the water. In it I can see a huge group of fish swimming in one direction. Nothing out of the ordinary here. A leaf falls from an overhanging tree and when it hits the surface of the water, the fish quickly change direction away from it, and when they do, the sun hits their scales and a huge flash of light bounces off of them.
“Kakoi!!” I exclaim. I find myself picking up pebbles off the ground to toss into the pond so the fish will change direction again. But then I remember about the food, so I pry myself away from it and head back to the hotel. I definitely have to bring Wolfram here.
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“Wolfram? I’m back.” I announce as I open the door to the room, just incase he’s changing or something. No, he’s not changing; he’s just sitting on the bed with his knees brought to his chest and his head resting against his knees.
He looks up at me when I call out, his eyes are weary but he still seems a little agitated. “What took you so long?” he grumbles. I can’t stop myself from smiling, glad to know that he’s slowly returning to himself.
“Sorry,” I say sheepishly, rubbing the back of my neck with my free hand, “I got distracted.”
“Not by a pretty girl, I hope…for your sake.”
I laugh out loud at his minor threatening statement. Yep, he’s definitely getting better. “No,” I reply, sitting on the bed and opening the food pack, “I found something really cool I want to show you.” I hand him his meal and he unfolds the cloth that it’s wrapped in. I hand him a fork and he digs in right away.
I start eating too, feeling really good to have my stomach filling up. Throughout the whole meal, I keep an eye on Wolfram to make sure he eats as much as he can, which ends up not being much at all. “Aren’t you going to eat anymore?” I ask after finishing my meal.
“I’m not that hungry…” he says quietly.
“Well, you should probably-“
“Why did you bring me here, Yuuri?” he asks out of the blue, throwing me off.
It’s hard to answer him because I’m not so sure myself. “I don’t know. You seemed like you needed to get away from everything, I know I did.”
“That’s it?”
I wrinkle my nose in thought. Should I really tell him the whole truth? He’ll probably get upset, but he’ll be equally upset knowing that I’m keeping something from him. “I thought it would make you feel better to go somewhere with me, alone.”
He doesn’t respond for a long time. Lifting the plate of food off of his lap, he places it on the table next to the bed and rolls over so he’s facing away from me.
I move to touch him, but before my hand gets there, I’m interrupted by his voice. “You always do this to me,” he whispers, “you do something to hurt me, and I feel like you don’t want me at all, and then you do something makes it seem like you do.”
Do I really do that? I was just trying to help him, but I suppose my fear of deluding him was right. I touch him, letting my fingers brush against his shoulder. He jerks away, wriggling further away from me.
“I don’t know what to think. There are times when it’s so blatantly obvious that you don’t want me around, and then times like these where you’re so kind to me, and caring and attentive. I’m so confused that it hurts to be around you.” He says quietly, his back is shaking.
I lay down behind him, pressing myself to his back in order to appease his pain. “I just want you to be happy, but I’ve also spent a lot of time being selfish. I tend to loose myself in my childishness and only realize that I hurt you until after I’ve done it.”
“I…” he starts, but is interrupted by a sob bubbling up in his throat as he tried to keep himself from crying, “I…just want you to make a decision. So my poor heart can figure out if I should try to gain your love or start to mourn.”
“Wolfram…”
He rolls over so he’s facing me. The open window curtains allow the last of the sunlight to trickle into the room, illuminating the back of his head and forming a halo around his golden hair. Somehow, I can still see the twinkling pain in his eyes and the sorrow etched into his face.
His beauty is staggering. So much so that I can’t control my fingers as they reach forward and gingerly touch his face. The pads run across his tear soaked cheeks, memorizing their softness and exploring his face tentatively. My thumb grazes against his bottom lip and I almost gasp at its softness. He gasps though, his warm breath caressing my hand and face.
I look into his eyes and find them intent and sad. He doesn’t know what to expect from me now, he doesn’t know if he should be hopeful or try to reassure himself that nothing more will happen.
I don’t even know why I’m doing this. There’s a part of me saying that I should stop, that to continue to do this would make things harder for him. But another part tells me that I really want this. This part says that every denial I have ever made of my feelings for Wolfram was a lie.
I’m afraid if I concede to my more carnal desires, it would ruin what we have. I don’t want to kiss him and touch him intimately if I don’t love him. I can’t deny the physical attraction between us, but my feelings for him are still shrouded in shades of gray.
It took me a long time to realize that the whole world is made of shades of gray. I used to think that things had to be black and white, right or wrong, yes or no. But, in reality, most things and situations fall in between. This applied to my sexual orientation a lot. I knew I was straight for a long time; just girls, no boys. But then I found myself feeling things for Wolfram. I told myself for a long time that I only found women attractive, which was a lie. After a while, I decided that I liked women, but also liked Wolfram. Most definitely a shade of gray.
Slowly, cautiously, Wolfram raises his hands to my face as well. His fingers copy mine, blazing a path across my cheeks and lips. With every touch, every brush that barely grazes my skin, I find myself falling into a trance of seduction.
His shy hands whisper over my eyelashes, making me blink. Then he cups my cheeks, rubbing the skin there with his thumb. I copy him this time and we become mirror images once again.
My right hand, which has been immobile for quite some time, comes to life again. I let it slide down his cheeks, traveling down his neck and shoulder to his side. Said hand coils around him, pulling his body closer to mine. A dither jars us both, sending our muscles into twittering fits.
“Why are you doing this to me?” he whispers, the hand not cupping my face continuing to explore my tan skin.
I don’t respond because I have no response. If I open my mouth, I don’t know what might come out. Either my heart or my body will respond, most likely hurting Wolfram either way.
I’m breathing hard now. I can hear my own heartbeat in my ears, pounding heavily to push my hot blood through my flushed body. His body is the same; I can feel his labored breathing through his face and his chest pressed against mine.
No other person in the world makes me this nervous or crazy. And I know the same applies for me to Wolfram. I want to kiss him so badly, to feel his sweet, frowning lips against my own. But he would only get hurt right? Even if it is what he wants as well, there is no love behind it.
The thought of hurting him makes me panic a little. I want him so badly, but if I ever hurt him I wouldn’t forgive myself. He might never talk to me again. Nothing scares me more than losing him.
“Yuuri…please…”
I focus my eyes again and see that his face is closer to mine. I feel wetness against my hand on his face and I realize he’s crying again.
“Please…” he says again, drawing close enough to me so he can rest the smallest amount of his lips against mine. Why is he doing this? Is he really willing to let me do this, just so he can know what its like to love me for one night? Do I mean that much to him? Do I make up that much of his world?
He surges forward so he can kiss me fully, but I pull back just in time. With a shuttering intake of air, he retracts and tries to wriggle away from me. I hold fast, strengthening my grip so he can’t escape.
The hand of mine that was cupping his cheek moves down to cup his neck. His sobs thicken, wracking his body as he tries to fight me off. I want to wipe away his tragedy. I want to erase all his sorrow. I know I’m the cause of it all.
“Come with me.” I say, letting him go and rolling off the bed. He doesn’t follow me. Instead he rolls away from me so he can sob openly for a moment. I sit back down and pull him towards me, almost all the way off the bed. “Come on…” he looks up at me with an angry and shocked expression, that melts at my quiet plea, “…please?”