Who Am I?
who am I?
kaichen + chansoo
pg-13; 6.8k
Jongin likes living out other lives and characters, but what about his own life?
-originally written for sncj_reversebb and posted here
Book 1; Chapter 094
The morning light is slanting through the blinds and Jongin blinks awake, letting his arm fall to the side and searching for the lump that should be next to him. His hand sweeps over the sheets, but it comes up empty and he mumbles sleepily,
"Jongdae?"
Although there's no response, there's a noise coming from the kitchen and he makes his way there, pulling down the hems of his sweatpants and rubbing sleep from his eyes. College comes along with many sleepless nights of report writing and researching, and there's no helping the dark circles appearing under his eyes. He rubs at them half-heartedly, combing his fingers through his hair in a sad attempt in making himself look more alive.
"You're already awake?"
The carpet is soft under his feet when he reaches the hallway and he curls his toes into it before shuffling towards the noises of life. There's the sound of bacon sizzling in the pan and Jongin tilts his head upward, sniffing the air with a smile. Jongdae always likes waking him up with breakfast, and if he knows Jongdae then there's also going to be French toast and scrambled eggs that are too runny for his liking.
But when he gets to the kitchen there's no one there and the stove is cold. There isn't a cup of coffee sitting on the counter for him and the lights are off. The only noise is a drip from the faucet and the quiet hum of the air conditioner.
And that's when Jongin remembers that Jongdae isn't here.
--
Book 1; Chapter 001
The early fall isn't yet cold and the lingering summer heat makes it acceptable to wear boxers to sleep. But by the time Jongin wakes up, the sheet is tangled up around his legs and it takes a moment for him to fight off the restraints, knowing full well that they were probably meant to slow him down and give the brain feeders time to suck out all the information they need from him.
And just as he expected, he opens his eyes to find an alien in the bed next to him. Its massive green pupils are following his movements with a watery stare and he knows that he's going to have to plan his next moves carefully. But the tentacles are already winding around the backboard of the bed and he knows that if he doesn't shoot it down soon that the suckers will leave marks on the wood.
"Shit."
Carefully, he reaches for the gun on his bedside table. No sudden movements, he reminds himself. The alien's gaze snaps to the twitching of his fingers and he pauses, waiting until it looks away again to hook his fingers over the butt of the gun. Two… three gentle tugs and it's finally in his hands.
Then, in one fluid movement he shoots the little beast straight between the eyes. It goes down with a squeal, and now that it's killed and he's holding a smoking gun in his hands he can finally rest easy.
Or at least that's what he thinks until the alien's blood begins seeping into the bed sheets and he has to call headquarters to send someone over to clean up the mess.
Great, another clean up fee taken from this month's paycheck, he mumbles to himself as he reaches for his government issued hand receiver.
--
It's not that Jongin has a psychological problem. He knows who he really is.
It's just that he has a tendency to live out the stories that he reads. Instead of being Jongin, it's far more interesting to be Agent Kim, the private detective on the trail of an old flame. Or Kai, the pilot of a 300-ton robot saving the earth from invading aliens. He can pretend to be anyone he chooses; a doctor, a soldier, or even a ninja who can teleport.
And with so many different possibilities why would he choose to be Kim Jongin, the college student working two part time jobs and scraping through life? There's nothing exciting about admitting that you're a junior with an undecided major who's only stuck in school because you're not sure what else to do. He's not ready to be an adult yet but there's only so long he can delay life decisions by taking the minimum number of classes and filling his time with cashier and delivery work.
Rather than trying to escape reality, he's bored with it. So does it really matter if he borrows a few plots from movies that he's seen or books that he's read?
It's not a psychological problem.
He knows. It's just that sometimes he wishes he didn't.
--
Chapter 002
Jongin wakes up after watching too many episodes of anime and he starts seeing gang members everywhere around the university. He knew that there was a secret side to Seoul but he didn't expect to have it staring him in face so blatantly. The man selling newspapers on the street corner who always wears a red cap is part of the red gang, passing messages through his rolled up newspapers. The lady behind the counter of student services wearing a green scarf is part of the "greens" and the tap of her pencil is a Morse code message to her second-in-command, the work-study student at the copy machine.
He nudges Sehun in the middle of their Economics class and points to a guy wearing a pink ribbon in the front row. "Hey, you think he's part of the pinks? They've been pretty quiet lately but I think they could be making a comeback. Just 'cause their leader's down doesn't mean that they're staying down forever." He watches the boy sleepily, his eyes narrowing slightly. "It might have been a knock out but the ref is still counting."
(That sounded cooler in his head, okay.)
Sehun glances at the man, his mouth drawing into a straight line. Even though he's used to Jongin's daydreams, he can't resist passing up any sort of chance to painfully return him to reality. "Jongin, that's a Cancer Awareness ribbon." He looks back down at his notebook, scrawling something in the margins that Jongin can't quite read, but looks like a small note to ban Jongin from watching anime after midnight.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter what Sehun thinks. Jongin can see the signs and even if his best friend isn't going to listen to the whispers on the street, that doesn't mean that Jongin needs to turn a blind eye to what's going on. Sehun will thank him when they're surrounded and Jongin has the right color bandana in his backpack to fake an alliance and-
Jongin leans forward on his elbows, trying to see if there's anyone else wearing pink in the class. "So? I'm telling you, they're gaining power so we have to make sure we're on the right side."
Rolling his eyes, Sehun drops his pencil onto the table and knocks on Jongin's head. "Are you still sleeping? Wake up and get back to writing notes so I can copy off of you later."
And Jongin groans but he picks up his pencil and writes, pretending that the professor's lecture is a coded message from the boss of the underworld, testing all of them to see if they're worthy of becoming his successor. He's busy trying to decide if the professor's strange way of writing capital Es is relevant to the code when Sehun's voice breaks through again.
"Oh, and Jongin? I want to introduce you to someone later, so don't go running off after class okay?"
Jongin hums in agreement, too busy wondering what the diagram on the board really means to respond.
--
"Someone" ends up being a lithe boy dressed in skinny jeans and a t-shirt. The black frames on his face scream hipster but the Pyrex t-shirt screams sporty and Jongin is having a bit of difficultly getting a read on him.
Does the bright red of his shirt indicate that he's part of the Reds? But would he wear his gang affiliation that blatantly? It must be something else.
"Here. I promised to introduce him to you, and here he is." Then Sehun shrugs and gestures to the short boy standing in front of them. "And Jongin, this is Jongdae. He's a film major with weird hobbies." The tone of voice he uses makes it clear that being friends with both of them is clearly a punishment from a previous life.
For a second Jongin has to remind himself why he and Sehun are friends, but then he remembers that Sehun's mom sends him really good care packages and that he's the only one with a shoe size that's close enough for Jongin can steal shoes from him.
Frowning, Jongdae hits Sehun in the arm and the younger boys draws back hissing. He rubs the spot on his arm as his face becomes more pinched and Jongdae tuts at him.
"Photography isn't a weird hobby!"
Sehun raises an eyebrow. "That's what you say, but I've seen the photos you hang on your walls." He scrunches his nose, the effort of trying to remember contorting his face unattractively. "What was it again… something about placing images of gundam in modern contemporary settings to remind us that the war against aliens isn't over?"
Rather than being offended, Jongdae nods quite seriously, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose in an attempt to look credible. "I think that the fact that there aren't any aliens around currently is proof of how successful we were in driving them away in the past and I intend to remind people about the great war we fought. If we let down our defenses, who knows what will happen? First one alien comes back and then we're fending off a full blown invasion when it could have been nipped in the bud."
Sehun rolls his eyes, "Wouldn't the lack of aliens be proof that there were never any in the first place? Why would you think that--"
"That's awesome…" Jongin's awed whisper interrupts Sehun's reality check and the two friends turn to him in surprise.
"Oh god, the two of you together are going to give me such a headache, I can feel it already…" Sehun massages his head and Jongdae breaks out into delighted laughter, ruffling Sehun's hair and telling him not to be such a sourpuss.
The action draws Jongin's attention to a woven bracelet around Jongdae's wrist and the colored strands distract him for a moment. Even though a bright red shirt would be too obvious, a bracelet would be perfect.
"You don't happen to be part of one of the color gangs, are you? Because that's a really unusual shade of green." His hands go out to cup the other's wrist and he brings it closer to his eyes so he can see the thread better when he realizes that he's holding onto a stranger's arm in the middle of a college campus hallway.
"I'm sorry, I tend to-" Jongin begins to apologize, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment as he yanks his hands away. But before he gets much further, Jongdae cuts him off.
"You're interesting."
There's a sudden jolt of recognition as he remembers that he's Kim Jongin and he's standing in front of an attractive boy who's pursing his lips in a way that kind of resembles a duck.
"What?" He blinks, the flush deepening.
"You're interesting." Jongdae shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets. The catlike grin widens. "I like you."
"Oh."
Jongin's never had someone react that way to one of his random comments and he's not sure how he feels about it. Should be feel flattered? Upset? He looks to the side to see how Sehun's taking this strange outcome of events, but the bored look on the other's face is no help at all.
And that was the first time that Jongin met his future boyfriend.
--
Chapter 003
The next day Jongin is feeling a little rogue-ish so he puts on a straw hat and decides to be a pirate for the day. When Sehun sees him he wobbles his arms to show him how elastic they are.
"I've got magical powers!" He coos at Sehun, flopping his arm over the other's notebook.
"Stop, you look dumb." Sehun shoves his arms to the side. "By the way, I think Jongdae wants to talk to you again. He said something about the three of us meeting up for lunch later."
"Oh?" Jongin sits up straighter, leaning his elbows on the desk in front of him. But he forgot that his arms are rubber today and his elbows bend in and he nearly whacks his face on the table. He peers up from his safer position of cheek pressed into his notebook. "What did he say?"
"He said: bring your stupid friend and let's get lunch together in the cafeteria."
Jongin's eyes widen. "Did he really say stupid?" He hopes that his heart is elastic too because that would explain the strange rippling in his chest. His eyes glaze over for a moment as he considers what other parts of him might be elastic.
Next to him, Sehun shrugs. "Why don't you ask him and find out?"
--
"Did you really say stupid?" Jongin may be shy and awkward, but Captain Luffkai is not one to mince words. He's not going to sit around and take abuse from a friend of a friend who might happen to have nice legs and a cute smile. There are limits to these things.
Jongdae laughs, covering his mouth. "What, when?" He replaces the cap on his water bottle and watches Jongin in amusement.
It's the kind of look that makes Jongin feel like he's a zoo animal on display and he shifts uncomfortably, saying the words slower in hopes that he won't have to repeat them for a third time.
"Did you really tell Sehun to bring his stupid friend?"
The other snorts with laughter. "No! I told him to bring his tall friend. The one that's good looking and a little weird."
"You think I'm good looking?" Jongin blushes and he tries to will it from his cheeks because a pirate king would not be flustered because some boy thought he was a little hot.
But he's saved from the situation when Sehun slams his lunch tray onto the table. The force knocks over Jongdae's water bottle and sends a napkin fluttering off the table. "Hey you two, what are you talking about?" He narrows his eyes suspiciously.
"Nothing~" They chorus together.
"It doesn't seem like nothing." Sehun shrugs, picking the tomatoes from his sandwich and leaving them on the tray. "But it's most likely something to do with aliens or dragons or ninja powers so I'll pass on it anyway."
Jongdae smiles, nudging Jongin's foot under the table and Jongin is definitely having trouble staying in character today.
--
Chapter 023
Jongin wakes up, blinking sleepily into the morning light. Groaning, he rolls on his side, trying to block out the sunlight by pressing his face into a pillow. But as he rolls he makes contact with something solid. It's warm and there might have even been a small huff of a groan.
Startled, he opens his eyes. And there in front of him is someone else.
Jongdae smiles as his eyes flutter open, his lips curving into an even bigger smile once they make eye contact.
"Good morning." He leans forward and gives Jongin a little kiss on the lips.
And Jongin thinks that he could get used to this.
--
Some couples have intricate stories about how they got together that seem to be taken from romantic comedies and make people wonder how real they are. Love at first sight? Nah.
And how Jongin and Jongdae got together isn't really important at all. What's important is that they stayed together longer than anyone thought they would. A vague date that could've also been just two friends hanging out and a few stolen kisses at parties turned into a few more dates that were definitely more date-like.
Rather than falling in love it was like everything came into focus. Vague intentions increased in definition and became things that meant something. It was finally reading the instructions to a magic eye puzzle and watching the picture pop into 3D.
Instead of creating something new they were just bringing to life something that was already there.
(Although if you really must know they ended up dating because they both happen to like Mexican food and they were the last of their friends to watch the Captain America movie.)
--
Chapter 043
Jongin wakes up to find Jongdae snuggled in his arms. He kisses the top of his boyfriend's head and drifts back and forth between dreams and sleep.
Sometimes he dreams that Jongdae is a magical girl fighting crime on the streets of Seoul and other times he thinks he's a giant squid with a peg leg. Sometimes he mumbles in his sleep and squeezes Jongdae tighter.
"Hey, sleepy head."
Jongdae's peering up at him and Jongin's barely awake enough to mumble "Yes?," a proper good morning far beyond what he's capable of at the moment.
"Can you stop holding me so tightly? I think my collapsed lung is gonna deflate again."
Logic is definitely too hard at the moment and Jongin groans out something along the lines of "But… warm…" and Jongdae laughs, pinching his side slightly to get Jongin to let go, the playful act turning into a full out war when Jongin tackles Jongdae to the bed and Jongdae retaliates with a few nips to the other's neck.
A few nips that turn into a few kisses that then travel downward in the form of hands and hips.
Today he's a spy with the important mission of seducing Jongdae to get the rocket launch code needed to send the President to space.
--
Chapter 060
Jongin wakes up to find Jongdae sleeping next to him.
His fingers curl into the empty space, trying to pull his boyfriend back to his side. Finally his fingers catch in the other's t-shirt and he manages to drag him back. Jongdae's head rolls into the crook of Jongin's neck and he doesn't do much besides kiss his throat sleepily before he drifts back to sleep.
Slants of light flicker across the room with the passing cars and Jongin falls back asleep, only waking up again once his arm goes numb form the weight of Jongdae's head.
Today he's a soccer player taking a break from FIFA due to a tendon injury.
--
Chapter 085
Jongin wakes up to find Jongdae sleeping on his side, turned away from Jongin.
He frowns, stretching out to gently stroke his fingers down his boyfriend's back and instead of Jongdae turning towards him he just curls up into a tighter ball, refusing to look at him.
Today he's a scuba diver examining coral growth off the coast of Australia.
--
Chapter 087
Jongin wakes up and Jongdae isn't there.
Today he's--
--
Chapter 102
Jongin wakes up to the sound of his phone buzzing and he checks the time. There's a text message from Sehun and another three from his older sister but the person who he wants to send him a text the most hasn't.
He tosses the phone somewhere into the covers, rolling around as he tries to will himself to get out of bed. He's already missed his morning class so why not end up calling off the whole day? It's not likely he'll be able to find Jongdae amid the crowded campus and there's no one else he wants to see.
And the worst part is he still isn't sure what he did wrong.
They were inseparable. They called each other endlessly and sent tons of text messages to each other, trying to meet whenever they had a spare moment free. They would find each other in the hallways between classes and they tried to find a lunch schedule that fit both of their lives: sometimes eating at 11 am and other times at 2 pm. They were practically living in the same house, exchanging words and kisses as freely as they breathed.
Until the day that they didn't.
One day Jongdae came home a bit later than usual and when Jongin asked where he had been he said that classes ran late.
It's frightening how easily someone can fall out of your life if you don't make the effort to keep ahold of them. Slowly Jongdae was around less and less and his phone calls were less frequent as well. His presence started to fade around the apartment and it was no longer as easy to tell when he had come or been.
And yet he still kept hoping that one day Jongdae would tell him what was missing. Why his smiles got a little weaker in the mornings when Jongin pretended to be Kai Ketchum catching a Jongdaechu.
There's another text from Sehun and Jongin groans, searching for jeans on the messy pile of clothes and papers on the floor.
He needs to find Jongdae today.
--
It's strange to come back onto campus after spending so much time at his job. At least he's not expected to smile at anyone and he takes a distinct pleasure in trying to make himself look as unapproachable as possible. There's no need to fake a smile and explain that there's an extra charge if you decide to replace fries with onion rings.
Finding Jongdae takes nearly half a day's work of talking to various mutual friends and he's exhausted by the time he's able to locate him in one of the libraries on campus. Jongin ruffles his hair, a last ditch effort to not look like he's just climbed out of a coffin. He's really starting to rethink the whole undead look and maybe pretending to be a zombie wasn't the best way to reunite with your slightly estranged maybe not still boyfriend.
(But it's not like he can ditch the fake eyeball hanging from his face this late into the game and he decides to just put up with the slow swaying of it against his cheek.)
He leans onto the desk, blocking out the light to Jongdae's study cubicle.
"Have you been avoiding me?"
Jongdae looks up from the stack of film textbooks balanced precariously on the edge of the counter, "No." He uses a plastic spoon to scoop up foam from his coffee. "I've been busy. Finals are-"
He looks surprisingly worn out and Jongin wonders if Jongdae's been sleeping as badly as he has. There aren't any dark circles under his eyes but he has an air of being wound up too tightly and looks like he's on edge.
"I know your finals aren't until next month."
Jongdae opens his mouth to respond but Jongin doesn't want to hear his excuses.
"And you haven't been taking my calls either."
Jongdae drops his spoon back into his coffee cup and it bobs under the lip of foam.
"What happened? Was it something I did?" There's hesitation in Jongdae's face and Jongin knows he needs another push. For someone so good at speaking about nonsense there are some things that Jongdae has trouble articulating, and feelings are one of them. It wasn't something that Jongin thought mattered much. But it meant that things might have been bubbling under the surface much longer than he realized. "Tell me."
Jongdae's glasses are slipping down his nose and Jongin beats him to it, pushing them back up before Jongdae can even lift his hand up.
Startled, Jongdae's eyes flicker to the side, watching Jongin from the corner of his eyes before looking up. "Aren't you angry?"
"Very," Jongin admits and Jongdae laughs nervously, fiddling with his sleeves. "But that doesn't mean that I don't want to know why."
It takes another long pause for Jongdae to speak and Jongin is glad that he doesn't mind the silence. He listens to the clack-clack of people typing up notes and the gentle murmuring of background conversation groaning about hardass professors and last minute assignments.
"It's just-"
The soft words make Jongin look back and Jongdae sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know who you are sometimes. You talk with a different style or wear different clothes and I wonder where that leaves me. Are you a character with a boyfriend named Jongdae?"
He smiles awkwardly and the next words are so quiet that Jongin has to lean in just to hear them. "Is there room for me in your life?"
Jongin's never thought of it like that and for a moment he's speechless. He'd always told himself that being another person was just a way of adding some excitement into his life. He knew who he was. It was just for fun, and it didn't hurt anyone, so what was the harm? But, he had never considered that he could be pushing Jongdae away with all of his strange antics.
Was this what he had been feeling every time that Jongin had told him about the different things he was imagining? Were these the thoughts that he'd been having whenever Jongin woke up as someone new?
"Jongdae, it's not like that. I mean, I know sometimes I live in my head more than in the real world, but you're always there. In all of my daydreams." He reaches out to take the other's hand, gently stroking his thumb over his knuckles.
Jongdae smiles, but he still pulls his hand back. "Jongin I want you to think about it. I want you to think if you can be Jongin, my boyfriend and not Jongin the ninja or Jongin the high school detective."
"But I-"
Jongdae silences him with a look.
This is going to be a bit harder than his usual problems and Jongin needs to do some research. He almost wishes that he were a zombie so that he could devour Jongdae's heart and be done with it.
--
Book 2; Chapter 103
Jongdae wakes up ten minutes before he has to show up at class. His usual morning routine consists of hopping around his room trying to pull his pants on while trying to print out the assignment due that day. He watches anxiously as his essay prints, drumming his fingers against the table.
Five minutes after he has to show up for class he sneaks into the lecture hall, slipping his essay into the mountain of papers piled next to the TA. Then he takes a seat in the back and promptly falls asleep.
--
Jongdae is a straightforward person.
He likes his coffee black and he likes his bagels plain. He likes things outlined in clear borders and doesn't like additions to those things.
(Although maybe he enjoys an occasional mochaccino.)
That's not to say he doesn't enjoy a challenge. He doesn't mind trying to convince Sehun that aliens really exist, and he actually enjoys fighting with Chanyeol about whether Beenzino or Tablo is a better rapper.
But he likes it when people are honest. He doesn't like having to read between the lines. Either it's a yes or a no. There aren't any maybes in his mind. And people who can't fit into those categories confuse him.
Then again, maybe that's why Jongin interests him so much.
--
Today is a Tuesday, which means it's the day for Jongdae to meet Chanyeol and Kyungsoo for lunch. He's looking forward to teasing Kyungsoo about the overpriced grilled eggplant sandwich he always buys. And Jongdae's eager to see in what awkward way Chanyeol will try to woo their friend today.
Last time Jongdae got to eat the bouquet of chocolate oranges that Chanyeol gave Kyungsoo. ("Why would you even think that fruit belongs in a bouquet?" Kyungsoo had said disdainfully.) So he's pretty excited to see what it's going to be this time.
Especially because he convinced Chanyeol that people in the US give their crushes candied insects.
It's most likely that Chanyeol is going to get punched again and Jongdae's feeling pretty excited about it. Spotting them at a table outside the student center, he's just about to start walking towards his friends when there's a beep and he gets a text.
NO.
[ from : sedumb ] hey jongin and I are havin lunch near the bleachers u want to join
[ to: sedumb ] no
[ from: sedumb ] I think you should come cuz jongin wants to show you something
Sighing, he sends quick text to Baekhyun to keep an eye on Chanyeol and Kyungsoo and send him shots of any interesting situations that might arise. He knows Baekhyun had been whining earlier about how he needed to study for an upcoming statistics test, but Jongdae's pretty sure that watching Kyungsoo get insects suspended in candy is more important than statistics.
Having finally come to terms with the disappointment of not seeing Kyungsoo sock Chanyeol in the stomach, Jongdae makes his way to the soccer field. But when he gets there all he sees is Sehun sitting in the stands. He's a pale shadow covered in layers and layers of winter clothes and eating a hamburger.
Jongdae climbs up the bleachers, eyeing the McDonalds bag and trying to determine if there are still fries in it. When he gets close enough to see the smears of ketchup around Sehun's mouth he asks,
"Where's Jongin?"
Sehun shoves the rest of the hamburger into his mouth and chews slowly. Then he points out onto the field. His mouth is still too full to speak so he makes some inaudible noises instead.
Jongdae turns.
And the answer to Jongdae's question comes in the form of Jongin walking out onto the field with a mic in hand. It's a strange sort of serenade, half singing and half rapping and Jongdae is having trouble understanding what's going on.
He stares blankly as he watches Jongin walking across the bleachers, wondering why he would do something so out of character. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sehun roll his eyes and mutter to himself.
"So he's changed genres from dork to romance…Great."
And Jongdae wants to be touched that Jongin is doing something outside of his comfort range in an effort to woo him. But it's not want he wants. So instead of running down and kissing his boyfriend, he steals a fry from Sehun and walks back to the student center, checking his phone to see if there are any new texts from Baekhyun.
--
Chapter 105
Perhaps the weirdest part of Jongdae and Sehun's friendship is the fact that they agree on very little. Jongdae likes science fiction and Sehun likes science. Jongdae likes mysteries and Sehun likes closed cases. Jongdae likes coffee and Sehun likes coffee flavoured drinks that are more than 80% sugar.
But one of the few things that they both can agree on is that Jongin seems to be acting a bit weirder than normal. Over the months that Jongdae and Sehun have known him they might have gotten used to spies and swordsman and superheroes, but romantic comedies are outside both of their comfort zones.
So when Jongin catches Sehun in the hallway with a pile of romantic comedies he wants to watch for research, Sehun promptly pretends to get a phone call from his grandmother and then accidentally escapes into the girl's bathroom.
Sehun isn't equiped to handle something like this. He does snide comments and bitter realities wrapped up in aegyo. He doesn't want to sit through a 6-hour chick-flick marathon about weddings.
"Did you see him carrying around a bouquet of lilies yesterday? He said he got it from a movie and I told him that white lilies are given at funerals." Sehun turns to Jongdae and stares at him blankly. "Hyung, I saved your life."
Jongdae chuckles out of the pure strangeness of the whole situation, and he's gotten so used to the comfortable level of bantering and harrassing between them that he doesn't quite know what to say when Sehun adds,
"I think he misses you. Please talk to him?"
--
Chapter 106
Jongdae wakes up to the tinny sound of an iPhone playing past its volume capacity outside of his window. The little electronic isn't meant to be played this loudly and it's making the music come out in a distorted jumble.
With a little bit of force he manages to get his dorm window open. Across the room Baekhyun shivers from the sudden burst of cold air and pulls his blanket closer. "Original," Jongdae calls out the window.
Jongin smiles, and Jongdae dashes all of his hopes.
"At least it would be if it hadn't been done 20 years ago in a click flick and copied by pretty much everyone."
He closes the window with a snap.
"That was cruel." Baekhyun leans up onto his elbows. The noise of the window closing had woken him up and he eyes his roommate sleepily, rubbing his eyes as he yawns. "You don't like being wooed?"
"It's not that- it's just…"
For a moment it's difficult to form words and Jongdae isn't quite sure why he's so angry.
They're all the grand romantic gestures that he should want. It's not like he doesn't love Jongin. Even one look at Baekhyun and Jongdae's comparing his roommate to his boyfriend, thinking about the childish way that Jongin smiles and how endearing it is and how he loves how passionate Jongin is about movies.
And then he realizes what it is that he's waiting for.
Grunting, he pushes the window open again, swearing under his breath as the rotting wood nearly comes apart under his fingers. He can clearly see his breath when he calls out across the courtyard.
"Wait, Jongin!"
Jongin turns back in surprise, looking up as he slips his iPod into his pocket and Jongdae leans out the window even though he's freezing in the thin t-shirt. His elbows press against the frame and the cold metal presses into his skin, making him wince slightly.
"Huh?" There's snot dripping from his nose and Jongdae smiles slightly.
"Jongin, I want you. Not a cliché line from a movie or a stunt that's been done a million times."
Jongin cups his mitten-covered hands to his mouth and calls back. "What does that mean?"
Jongdae glasses are wet from the snow and he takes them off, slicking his damp bangs back. "It means that you're trying too hard." And then, smiling at Jongin's dumbstruck face he closes the window.
"That was beautiful."
"Shut up, Baekhyun."
--
Book 3; Chapter 107
Jongin thinks about what Jongdae says. He lies on his bed, holding his hands out in front of him and watching his fingers change shape in front of the bland backdrop of the ceiling. It's that same off-white that all developers use because they want something bright but white shows the dirt too easily.
Jongin remembers the time he complained about the color to Sehun.
Sehun, being Sehun, had said, Well, paint it then.
And he had, in his mind. In his mind the ceiling was decorated with aliens and a hidden treasure map and all kinds of clues and monsters.
But in reality the ceiling is still that drab off-white.
And maybe that's what his whole life has been like. Maybe he keeps living in his head because he's scared to change things in his life. Maybe the truth is that he's afraid of truly living.
If it's a story he's read he knows how it will end. He can stand back and see the plot points as they appear. He knows what the rules are and he can guess how plots will resolve. If a challenger appears then the main character will level up their skills. They'll train and they'll sweat and in the end the problem will be defeated. But what are the guarantees in real life?
Will he and Jongdae be able to make up? Will they be able to go back to how they were before? Or will the fight leave a strange aftertaste in their mouths that they'll taste whenever they kiss? Maybe it will only drive them further apart and break them irrevocably.
Even if he tries to repair their relationship, how does he know that they won't end up breaking up anyway?
His chest clenches painfully at the thought of losing Jongdae. Jongdae, whose imagination is just as colorful as his own. Jongdae, who laughed when Jongin told him to be careful of the secret agent hiding in the stairwell when they both knew full well that Jongin was only talking about a spider.
And the Jongdae who, unlike Jongin, makes his dreams a reality; who takes his eccentric thoughts and builds things from them.
Perhaps in the end the choice doesn't come down to whether or not there's a guarantee of the future, but which of his fears is stronger: the fear of living his life or the fear of losing Jongdae altogether.
--
Chapter ???
Jongin wakes up.
Jongin wakes up and today he's Kim Jongin. Just a college student trying to win back his boyfriend.
--
Jongdae's sitting in the cafe, studying for his Film Methods final when Jongin slips into the seat next to him. He doesn't look up, tagging the page with a sticky note and scrawling a few messy notes in the margin that he'd probably ask Jongin to decipher later.
Or he would if they're still dating.
"Hey."
"Hey."
The response was a little bit more lackluster than Jongin was hoping and he licks his lips nervously. He's opening his mouth to speak but Jongdae ends up beating him to it, slipping his pen onto his book and looking up.
"So. Who are you today?" He chuckles, tapping his fingers onto his book. "Since you're doing romantic comedies now, maybe you're going to be one of Tom Hank's roles. Are you Sleepless in Seoul or something?" He raises an eyebrow. "Or maybe you're a spy or action hero again?"
Jongin clears his throat, and holds out his hand. Out of all the embarrassing and cheesy things he's done, this is the first time that he's doing them as himself and he blushes. "Nice to meet you. I'm Jongin. I'm a third year undecided major. I like dogs and watching anime. And I have a wonderful boyfriend named Jongdae."
Jongdae takes the offered hand, his eyes widening as he continues to listen. And then slowly Jongdae smiles, leaning forward on the table. "Only wonderful?"
Jongin considers this for a moment. "Super wonderful," he amends.
Jongdae leans in, flipping his book shut. "Make it the best boyfriend ever and I think we've got a deal."
"Best boyfriend ever?" Jongin raises his eyebrows, laughter at the edge of his voice. "Because I think I recall you saying that the best boyfriend ever would have superpowers that alerted him when his boyfriend was craving pizza and I'm pretty sure that-"
Jongdae narrows his eyes, kicking the other under the table. "Hey, do you want me to forgive you or not?" Despite his words, there's a playful gleam to his eyes and Jongin has a feeling that he's already forgiven.
But Jongin's not taking chances.
"I do! I do! Please forgive me!" He holds up his hands defensively, pausing for a moment to just look at the person in front of him. His strange, eccentric boyfriend who is somehow the perfect match to him.
"Fine. You're the best boyfriend ever," Jongin mumbles and then he doesn't have to say anything else because Jongdae's lips are swallowing up the rest of his words, and then Jongdae tongue is flicking gently over his lips and his thoughts are being consumed as well.
--
Jongin blinks sleepily when the morning light fills his small bedroom and he reaches out for the body that should be next to him, frowning when he can only feel sheets under his hand.
"Jongdae?"
The bed dips and Jongdae sits down on the edge of the bed, putting his coffee on the bedside table before leaning in to kiss Jongin's cheek. "Yes?"
Jongin likes this kind of warmth. He likes the tint of coffee on his boyfriend's breath and he likes the way that his lips taste.
"Good morning, Mr. Kim."
"And good morning to you, Mr. Kim."
"Let's agree not to do that again."
"But doesn't it sound cool? Like a spy movie or-"
"Jongin."
"Okay. fine." And laughing, he tugs his boyfriend back down onto the bed, nestling him in his arms and keeping him where he belongs.
(And later that day they both decide to be knights fighting demons in the forms of pillows around his bedroom and maybe that's okay from time to time too.)
A/N: Thank you Ren for betaing! All the hearts for you~ ♥♥♥
kaichen + chansoo
pg-13; 6.8k
Jongin likes living out other lives and characters, but what about his own life?
-originally written for sncj_reversebb and posted here
Book 1; Chapter 094
The morning light is slanting through the blinds and Jongin blinks awake, letting his arm fall to the side and searching for the lump that should be next to him. His hand sweeps over the sheets, but it comes up empty and he mumbles sleepily,
"Jongdae?"
Although there's no response, there's a noise coming from the kitchen and he makes his way there, pulling down the hems of his sweatpants and rubbing sleep from his eyes. College comes along with many sleepless nights of report writing and researching, and there's no helping the dark circles appearing under his eyes. He rubs at them half-heartedly, combing his fingers through his hair in a sad attempt in making himself look more alive.
"You're already awake?"
The carpet is soft under his feet when he reaches the hallway and he curls his toes into it before shuffling towards the noises of life. There's the sound of bacon sizzling in the pan and Jongin tilts his head upward, sniffing the air with a smile. Jongdae always likes waking him up with breakfast, and if he knows Jongdae then there's also going to be French toast and scrambled eggs that are too runny for his liking.
But when he gets to the kitchen there's no one there and the stove is cold. There isn't a cup of coffee sitting on the counter for him and the lights are off. The only noise is a drip from the faucet and the quiet hum of the air conditioner.
And that's when Jongin remembers that Jongdae isn't here.
--
Book 1; Chapter 001
The early fall isn't yet cold and the lingering summer heat makes it acceptable to wear boxers to sleep. But by the time Jongin wakes up, the sheet is tangled up around his legs and it takes a moment for him to fight off the restraints, knowing full well that they were probably meant to slow him down and give the brain feeders time to suck out all the information they need from him.
And just as he expected, he opens his eyes to find an alien in the bed next to him. Its massive green pupils are following his movements with a watery stare and he knows that he's going to have to plan his next moves carefully. But the tentacles are already winding around the backboard of the bed and he knows that if he doesn't shoot it down soon that the suckers will leave marks on the wood.
"Shit."
Carefully, he reaches for the gun on his bedside table. No sudden movements, he reminds himself. The alien's gaze snaps to the twitching of his fingers and he pauses, waiting until it looks away again to hook his fingers over the butt of the gun. Two… three gentle tugs and it's finally in his hands.
Then, in one fluid movement he shoots the little beast straight between the eyes. It goes down with a squeal, and now that it's killed and he's holding a smoking gun in his hands he can finally rest easy.
Or at least that's what he thinks until the alien's blood begins seeping into the bed sheets and he has to call headquarters to send someone over to clean up the mess.
Great, another clean up fee taken from this month's paycheck, he mumbles to himself as he reaches for his government issued hand receiver.
--
It's not that Jongin has a psychological problem. He knows who he really is.
It's just that he has a tendency to live out the stories that he reads. Instead of being Jongin, it's far more interesting to be Agent Kim, the private detective on the trail of an old flame. Or Kai, the pilot of a 300-ton robot saving the earth from invading aliens. He can pretend to be anyone he chooses; a doctor, a soldier, or even a ninja who can teleport.
And with so many different possibilities why would he choose to be Kim Jongin, the college student working two part time jobs and scraping through life? There's nothing exciting about admitting that you're a junior with an undecided major who's only stuck in school because you're not sure what else to do. He's not ready to be an adult yet but there's only so long he can delay life decisions by taking the minimum number of classes and filling his time with cashier and delivery work.
Rather than trying to escape reality, he's bored with it. So does it really matter if he borrows a few plots from movies that he's seen or books that he's read?
It's not a psychological problem.
He knows. It's just that sometimes he wishes he didn't.
--
Chapter 002
Jongin wakes up after watching too many episodes of anime and he starts seeing gang members everywhere around the university. He knew that there was a secret side to Seoul but he didn't expect to have it staring him in face so blatantly. The man selling newspapers on the street corner who always wears a red cap is part of the red gang, passing messages through his rolled up newspapers. The lady behind the counter of student services wearing a green scarf is part of the "greens" and the tap of her pencil is a Morse code message to her second-in-command, the work-study student at the copy machine.
He nudges Sehun in the middle of their Economics class and points to a guy wearing a pink ribbon in the front row. "Hey, you think he's part of the pinks? They've been pretty quiet lately but I think they could be making a comeback. Just 'cause their leader's down doesn't mean that they're staying down forever." He watches the boy sleepily, his eyes narrowing slightly. "It might have been a knock out but the ref is still counting."
(That sounded cooler in his head, okay.)
Sehun glances at the man, his mouth drawing into a straight line. Even though he's used to Jongin's daydreams, he can't resist passing up any sort of chance to painfully return him to reality. "Jongin, that's a Cancer Awareness ribbon." He looks back down at his notebook, scrawling something in the margins that Jongin can't quite read, but looks like a small note to ban Jongin from watching anime after midnight.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter what Sehun thinks. Jongin can see the signs and even if his best friend isn't going to listen to the whispers on the street, that doesn't mean that Jongin needs to turn a blind eye to what's going on. Sehun will thank him when they're surrounded and Jongin has the right color bandana in his backpack to fake an alliance and-
Jongin leans forward on his elbows, trying to see if there's anyone else wearing pink in the class. "So? I'm telling you, they're gaining power so we have to make sure we're on the right side."
Rolling his eyes, Sehun drops his pencil onto the table and knocks on Jongin's head. "Are you still sleeping? Wake up and get back to writing notes so I can copy off of you later."
And Jongin groans but he picks up his pencil and writes, pretending that the professor's lecture is a coded message from the boss of the underworld, testing all of them to see if they're worthy of becoming his successor. He's busy trying to decide if the professor's strange way of writing capital Es is relevant to the code when Sehun's voice breaks through again.
"Oh, and Jongin? I want to introduce you to someone later, so don't go running off after class okay?"
Jongin hums in agreement, too busy wondering what the diagram on the board really means to respond.
--
"Someone" ends up being a lithe boy dressed in skinny jeans and a t-shirt. The black frames on his face scream hipster but the Pyrex t-shirt screams sporty and Jongin is having a bit of difficultly getting a read on him.
Does the bright red of his shirt indicate that he's part of the Reds? But would he wear his gang affiliation that blatantly? It must be something else.
"Here. I promised to introduce him to you, and here he is." Then Sehun shrugs and gestures to the short boy standing in front of them. "And Jongin, this is Jongdae. He's a film major with weird hobbies." The tone of voice he uses makes it clear that being friends with both of them is clearly a punishment from a previous life.
For a second Jongin has to remind himself why he and Sehun are friends, but then he remembers that Sehun's mom sends him really good care packages and that he's the only one with a shoe size that's close enough for Jongin can steal shoes from him.
Frowning, Jongdae hits Sehun in the arm and the younger boys draws back hissing. He rubs the spot on his arm as his face becomes more pinched and Jongdae tuts at him.
"Photography isn't a weird hobby!"
Sehun raises an eyebrow. "That's what you say, but I've seen the photos you hang on your walls." He scrunches his nose, the effort of trying to remember contorting his face unattractively. "What was it again… something about placing images of gundam in modern contemporary settings to remind us that the war against aliens isn't over?"
Rather than being offended, Jongdae nods quite seriously, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose in an attempt to look credible. "I think that the fact that there aren't any aliens around currently is proof of how successful we were in driving them away in the past and I intend to remind people about the great war we fought. If we let down our defenses, who knows what will happen? First one alien comes back and then we're fending off a full blown invasion when it could have been nipped in the bud."
Sehun rolls his eyes, "Wouldn't the lack of aliens be proof that there were never any in the first place? Why would you think that--"
"That's awesome…" Jongin's awed whisper interrupts Sehun's reality check and the two friends turn to him in surprise.
"Oh god, the two of you together are going to give me such a headache, I can feel it already…" Sehun massages his head and Jongdae breaks out into delighted laughter, ruffling Sehun's hair and telling him not to be such a sourpuss.
The action draws Jongin's attention to a woven bracelet around Jongdae's wrist and the colored strands distract him for a moment. Even though a bright red shirt would be too obvious, a bracelet would be perfect.
"You don't happen to be part of one of the color gangs, are you? Because that's a really unusual shade of green." His hands go out to cup the other's wrist and he brings it closer to his eyes so he can see the thread better when he realizes that he's holding onto a stranger's arm in the middle of a college campus hallway.
"I'm sorry, I tend to-" Jongin begins to apologize, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment as he yanks his hands away. But before he gets much further, Jongdae cuts him off.
"You're interesting."
There's a sudden jolt of recognition as he remembers that he's Kim Jongin and he's standing in front of an attractive boy who's pursing his lips in a way that kind of resembles a duck.
"What?" He blinks, the flush deepening.
"You're interesting." Jongdae shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets. The catlike grin widens. "I like you."
"Oh."
Jongin's never had someone react that way to one of his random comments and he's not sure how he feels about it. Should be feel flattered? Upset? He looks to the side to see how Sehun's taking this strange outcome of events, but the bored look on the other's face is no help at all.
And that was the first time that Jongin met his future boyfriend.
--
Chapter 003
The next day Jongin is feeling a little rogue-ish so he puts on a straw hat and decides to be a pirate for the day. When Sehun sees him he wobbles his arms to show him how elastic they are.
"I've got magical powers!" He coos at Sehun, flopping his arm over the other's notebook.
"Stop, you look dumb." Sehun shoves his arms to the side. "By the way, I think Jongdae wants to talk to you again. He said something about the three of us meeting up for lunch later."
"Oh?" Jongin sits up straighter, leaning his elbows on the desk in front of him. But he forgot that his arms are rubber today and his elbows bend in and he nearly whacks his face on the table. He peers up from his safer position of cheek pressed into his notebook. "What did he say?"
"He said: bring your stupid friend and let's get lunch together in the cafeteria."
Jongin's eyes widen. "Did he really say stupid?" He hopes that his heart is elastic too because that would explain the strange rippling in his chest. His eyes glaze over for a moment as he considers what other parts of him might be elastic.
Next to him, Sehun shrugs. "Why don't you ask him and find out?"
--
"Did you really say stupid?" Jongin may be shy and awkward, but Captain Luffkai is not one to mince words. He's not going to sit around and take abuse from a friend of a friend who might happen to have nice legs and a cute smile. There are limits to these things.
Jongdae laughs, covering his mouth. "What, when?" He replaces the cap on his water bottle and watches Jongin in amusement.
It's the kind of look that makes Jongin feel like he's a zoo animal on display and he shifts uncomfortably, saying the words slower in hopes that he won't have to repeat them for a third time.
"Did you really tell Sehun to bring his stupid friend?"
The other snorts with laughter. "No! I told him to bring his tall friend. The one that's good looking and a little weird."
"You think I'm good looking?" Jongin blushes and he tries to will it from his cheeks because a pirate king would not be flustered because some boy thought he was a little hot.
But he's saved from the situation when Sehun slams his lunch tray onto the table. The force knocks over Jongdae's water bottle and sends a napkin fluttering off the table. "Hey you two, what are you talking about?" He narrows his eyes suspiciously.
"Nothing~" They chorus together.
"It doesn't seem like nothing." Sehun shrugs, picking the tomatoes from his sandwich and leaving them on the tray. "But it's most likely something to do with aliens or dragons or ninja powers so I'll pass on it anyway."
Jongdae smiles, nudging Jongin's foot under the table and Jongin is definitely having trouble staying in character today.
--
Chapter 023
Jongin wakes up, blinking sleepily into the morning light. Groaning, he rolls on his side, trying to block out the sunlight by pressing his face into a pillow. But as he rolls he makes contact with something solid. It's warm and there might have even been a small huff of a groan.
Startled, he opens his eyes. And there in front of him is someone else.
Jongdae smiles as his eyes flutter open, his lips curving into an even bigger smile once they make eye contact.
"Good morning." He leans forward and gives Jongin a little kiss on the lips.
And Jongin thinks that he could get used to this.
--
Some couples have intricate stories about how they got together that seem to be taken from romantic comedies and make people wonder how real they are. Love at first sight? Nah.
And how Jongin and Jongdae got together isn't really important at all. What's important is that they stayed together longer than anyone thought they would. A vague date that could've also been just two friends hanging out and a few stolen kisses at parties turned into a few more dates that were definitely more date-like.
Rather than falling in love it was like everything came into focus. Vague intentions increased in definition and became things that meant something. It was finally reading the instructions to a magic eye puzzle and watching the picture pop into 3D.
Instead of creating something new they were just bringing to life something that was already there.
(Although if you really must know they ended up dating because they both happen to like Mexican food and they were the last of their friends to watch the Captain America movie.)
--
Chapter 043
Jongin wakes up to find Jongdae snuggled in his arms. He kisses the top of his boyfriend's head and drifts back and forth between dreams and sleep.
Sometimes he dreams that Jongdae is a magical girl fighting crime on the streets of Seoul and other times he thinks he's a giant squid with a peg leg. Sometimes he mumbles in his sleep and squeezes Jongdae tighter.
"Hey, sleepy head."
Jongdae's peering up at him and Jongin's barely awake enough to mumble "Yes?," a proper good morning far beyond what he's capable of at the moment.
"Can you stop holding me so tightly? I think my collapsed lung is gonna deflate again."
Logic is definitely too hard at the moment and Jongin groans out something along the lines of "But… warm…" and Jongdae laughs, pinching his side slightly to get Jongin to let go, the playful act turning into a full out war when Jongin tackles Jongdae to the bed and Jongdae retaliates with a few nips to the other's neck.
A few nips that turn into a few kisses that then travel downward in the form of hands and hips.
Today he's a spy with the important mission of seducing Jongdae to get the rocket launch code needed to send the President to space.
--
Chapter 060
Jongin wakes up to find Jongdae sleeping next to him.
His fingers curl into the empty space, trying to pull his boyfriend back to his side. Finally his fingers catch in the other's t-shirt and he manages to drag him back. Jongdae's head rolls into the crook of Jongin's neck and he doesn't do much besides kiss his throat sleepily before he drifts back to sleep.
Slants of light flicker across the room with the passing cars and Jongin falls back asleep, only waking up again once his arm goes numb form the weight of Jongdae's head.
Today he's a soccer player taking a break from FIFA due to a tendon injury.
--
Chapter 085
Jongin wakes up to find Jongdae sleeping on his side, turned away from Jongin.
He frowns, stretching out to gently stroke his fingers down his boyfriend's back and instead of Jongdae turning towards him he just curls up into a tighter ball, refusing to look at him.
Today he's a scuba diver examining coral growth off the coast of Australia.
--
Chapter 087
Jongin wakes up and Jongdae isn't there.
Today he's--
--
Chapter 102
Jongin wakes up to the sound of his phone buzzing and he checks the time. There's a text message from Sehun and another three from his older sister but the person who he wants to send him a text the most hasn't.
He tosses the phone somewhere into the covers, rolling around as he tries to will himself to get out of bed. He's already missed his morning class so why not end up calling off the whole day? It's not likely he'll be able to find Jongdae amid the crowded campus and there's no one else he wants to see.
And the worst part is he still isn't sure what he did wrong.
They were inseparable. They called each other endlessly and sent tons of text messages to each other, trying to meet whenever they had a spare moment free. They would find each other in the hallways between classes and they tried to find a lunch schedule that fit both of their lives: sometimes eating at 11 am and other times at 2 pm. They were practically living in the same house, exchanging words and kisses as freely as they breathed.
Until the day that they didn't.
One day Jongdae came home a bit later than usual and when Jongin asked where he had been he said that classes ran late.
It's frightening how easily someone can fall out of your life if you don't make the effort to keep ahold of them. Slowly Jongdae was around less and less and his phone calls were less frequent as well. His presence started to fade around the apartment and it was no longer as easy to tell when he had come or been.
And yet he still kept hoping that one day Jongdae would tell him what was missing. Why his smiles got a little weaker in the mornings when Jongin pretended to be Kai Ketchum catching a Jongdaechu.
There's another text from Sehun and Jongin groans, searching for jeans on the messy pile of clothes and papers on the floor.
He needs to find Jongdae today.
--
It's strange to come back onto campus after spending so much time at his job. At least he's not expected to smile at anyone and he takes a distinct pleasure in trying to make himself look as unapproachable as possible. There's no need to fake a smile and explain that there's an extra charge if you decide to replace fries with onion rings.
Finding Jongdae takes nearly half a day's work of talking to various mutual friends and he's exhausted by the time he's able to locate him in one of the libraries on campus. Jongin ruffles his hair, a last ditch effort to not look like he's just climbed out of a coffin. He's really starting to rethink the whole undead look and maybe pretending to be a zombie wasn't the best way to reunite with your slightly estranged maybe not still boyfriend.
(But it's not like he can ditch the fake eyeball hanging from his face this late into the game and he decides to just put up with the slow swaying of it against his cheek.)
He leans onto the desk, blocking out the light to Jongdae's study cubicle.
"Have you been avoiding me?"
Jongdae looks up from the stack of film textbooks balanced precariously on the edge of the counter, "No." He uses a plastic spoon to scoop up foam from his coffee. "I've been busy. Finals are-"
He looks surprisingly worn out and Jongin wonders if Jongdae's been sleeping as badly as he has. There aren't any dark circles under his eyes but he has an air of being wound up too tightly and looks like he's on edge.
"I know your finals aren't until next month."
Jongdae opens his mouth to respond but Jongin doesn't want to hear his excuses.
"And you haven't been taking my calls either."
Jongdae drops his spoon back into his coffee cup and it bobs under the lip of foam.
"What happened? Was it something I did?" There's hesitation in Jongdae's face and Jongin knows he needs another push. For someone so good at speaking about nonsense there are some things that Jongdae has trouble articulating, and feelings are one of them. It wasn't something that Jongin thought mattered much. But it meant that things might have been bubbling under the surface much longer than he realized. "Tell me."
Jongdae's glasses are slipping down his nose and Jongin beats him to it, pushing them back up before Jongdae can even lift his hand up.
Startled, Jongdae's eyes flicker to the side, watching Jongin from the corner of his eyes before looking up. "Aren't you angry?"
"Very," Jongin admits and Jongdae laughs nervously, fiddling with his sleeves. "But that doesn't mean that I don't want to know why."
It takes another long pause for Jongdae to speak and Jongin is glad that he doesn't mind the silence. He listens to the clack-clack of people typing up notes and the gentle murmuring of background conversation groaning about hardass professors and last minute assignments.
"It's just-"
The soft words make Jongin look back and Jongdae sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know who you are sometimes. You talk with a different style or wear different clothes and I wonder where that leaves me. Are you a character with a boyfriend named Jongdae?"
He smiles awkwardly and the next words are so quiet that Jongin has to lean in just to hear them. "Is there room for me in your life?"
Jongin's never thought of it like that and for a moment he's speechless. He'd always told himself that being another person was just a way of adding some excitement into his life. He knew who he was. It was just for fun, and it didn't hurt anyone, so what was the harm? But, he had never considered that he could be pushing Jongdae away with all of his strange antics.
Was this what he had been feeling every time that Jongin had told him about the different things he was imagining? Were these the thoughts that he'd been having whenever Jongin woke up as someone new?
"Jongdae, it's not like that. I mean, I know sometimes I live in my head more than in the real world, but you're always there. In all of my daydreams." He reaches out to take the other's hand, gently stroking his thumb over his knuckles.
Jongdae smiles, but he still pulls his hand back. "Jongin I want you to think about it. I want you to think if you can be Jongin, my boyfriend and not Jongin the ninja or Jongin the high school detective."
"But I-"
Jongdae silences him with a look.
This is going to be a bit harder than his usual problems and Jongin needs to do some research. He almost wishes that he were a zombie so that he could devour Jongdae's heart and be done with it.
--
Book 2; Chapter 103
Jongdae wakes up ten minutes before he has to show up at class. His usual morning routine consists of hopping around his room trying to pull his pants on while trying to print out the assignment due that day. He watches anxiously as his essay prints, drumming his fingers against the table.
Five minutes after he has to show up for class he sneaks into the lecture hall, slipping his essay into the mountain of papers piled next to the TA. Then he takes a seat in the back and promptly falls asleep.
--
Jongdae is a straightforward person.
He likes his coffee black and he likes his bagels plain. He likes things outlined in clear borders and doesn't like additions to those things.
(Although maybe he enjoys an occasional mochaccino.)
That's not to say he doesn't enjoy a challenge. He doesn't mind trying to convince Sehun that aliens really exist, and he actually enjoys fighting with Chanyeol about whether Beenzino or Tablo is a better rapper.
But he likes it when people are honest. He doesn't like having to read between the lines. Either it's a yes or a no. There aren't any maybes in his mind. And people who can't fit into those categories confuse him.
Then again, maybe that's why Jongin interests him so much.
--
Today is a Tuesday, which means it's the day for Jongdae to meet Chanyeol and Kyungsoo for lunch. He's looking forward to teasing Kyungsoo about the overpriced grilled eggplant sandwich he always buys. And Jongdae's eager to see in what awkward way Chanyeol will try to woo their friend today.
Last time Jongdae got to eat the bouquet of chocolate oranges that Chanyeol gave Kyungsoo. ("Why would you even think that fruit belongs in a bouquet?" Kyungsoo had said disdainfully.) So he's pretty excited to see what it's going to be this time.
Especially because he convinced Chanyeol that people in the US give their crushes candied insects.
It's most likely that Chanyeol is going to get punched again and Jongdae's feeling pretty excited about it. Spotting them at a table outside the student center, he's just about to start walking towards his friends when there's a beep and he gets a text.
NO.
[ from : sedumb ] hey jongin and I are havin lunch near the bleachers u want to join
[ to: sedumb ] no
[ from: sedumb ] I think you should come cuz jongin wants to show you something
Sighing, he sends quick text to Baekhyun to keep an eye on Chanyeol and Kyungsoo and send him shots of any interesting situations that might arise. He knows Baekhyun had been whining earlier about how he needed to study for an upcoming statistics test, but Jongdae's pretty sure that watching Kyungsoo get insects suspended in candy is more important than statistics.
Having finally come to terms with the disappointment of not seeing Kyungsoo sock Chanyeol in the stomach, Jongdae makes his way to the soccer field. But when he gets there all he sees is Sehun sitting in the stands. He's a pale shadow covered in layers and layers of winter clothes and eating a hamburger.
Jongdae climbs up the bleachers, eyeing the McDonalds bag and trying to determine if there are still fries in it. When he gets close enough to see the smears of ketchup around Sehun's mouth he asks,
"Where's Jongin?"
Sehun shoves the rest of the hamburger into his mouth and chews slowly. Then he points out onto the field. His mouth is still too full to speak so he makes some inaudible noises instead.
Jongdae turns.
And the answer to Jongdae's question comes in the form of Jongin walking out onto the field with a mic in hand. It's a strange sort of serenade, half singing and half rapping and Jongdae is having trouble understanding what's going on.
He stares blankly as he watches Jongin walking across the bleachers, wondering why he would do something so out of character. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sehun roll his eyes and mutter to himself.
"So he's changed genres from dork to romance…Great."
And Jongdae wants to be touched that Jongin is doing something outside of his comfort range in an effort to woo him. But it's not want he wants. So instead of running down and kissing his boyfriend, he steals a fry from Sehun and walks back to the student center, checking his phone to see if there are any new texts from Baekhyun.
--
Chapter 105
Perhaps the weirdest part of Jongdae and Sehun's friendship is the fact that they agree on very little. Jongdae likes science fiction and Sehun likes science. Jongdae likes mysteries and Sehun likes closed cases. Jongdae likes coffee and Sehun likes coffee flavoured drinks that are more than 80% sugar.
But one of the few things that they both can agree on is that Jongin seems to be acting a bit weirder than normal. Over the months that Jongdae and Sehun have known him they might have gotten used to spies and swordsman and superheroes, but romantic comedies are outside both of their comfort zones.
So when Jongin catches Sehun in the hallway with a pile of romantic comedies he wants to watch for research, Sehun promptly pretends to get a phone call from his grandmother and then accidentally escapes into the girl's bathroom.
Sehun isn't equiped to handle something like this. He does snide comments and bitter realities wrapped up in aegyo. He doesn't want to sit through a 6-hour chick-flick marathon about weddings.
"Did you see him carrying around a bouquet of lilies yesterday? He said he got it from a movie and I told him that white lilies are given at funerals." Sehun turns to Jongdae and stares at him blankly. "Hyung, I saved your life."
Jongdae chuckles out of the pure strangeness of the whole situation, and he's gotten so used to the comfortable level of bantering and harrassing between them that he doesn't quite know what to say when Sehun adds,
"I think he misses you. Please talk to him?"
--
Chapter 106
Jongdae wakes up to the tinny sound of an iPhone playing past its volume capacity outside of his window. The little electronic isn't meant to be played this loudly and it's making the music come out in a distorted jumble.
With a little bit of force he manages to get his dorm window open. Across the room Baekhyun shivers from the sudden burst of cold air and pulls his blanket closer. "Original," Jongdae calls out the window.
Jongin smiles, and Jongdae dashes all of his hopes.
"At least it would be if it hadn't been done 20 years ago in a click flick and copied by pretty much everyone."
He closes the window with a snap.
"That was cruel." Baekhyun leans up onto his elbows. The noise of the window closing had woken him up and he eyes his roommate sleepily, rubbing his eyes as he yawns. "You don't like being wooed?"
"It's not that- it's just…"
For a moment it's difficult to form words and Jongdae isn't quite sure why he's so angry.
They're all the grand romantic gestures that he should want. It's not like he doesn't love Jongin. Even one look at Baekhyun and Jongdae's comparing his roommate to his boyfriend, thinking about the childish way that Jongin smiles and how endearing it is and how he loves how passionate Jongin is about movies.
And then he realizes what it is that he's waiting for.
Grunting, he pushes the window open again, swearing under his breath as the rotting wood nearly comes apart under his fingers. He can clearly see his breath when he calls out across the courtyard.
"Wait, Jongin!"
Jongin turns back in surprise, looking up as he slips his iPod into his pocket and Jongdae leans out the window even though he's freezing in the thin t-shirt. His elbows press against the frame and the cold metal presses into his skin, making him wince slightly.
"Huh?" There's snot dripping from his nose and Jongdae smiles slightly.
"Jongin, I want you. Not a cliché line from a movie or a stunt that's been done a million times."
Jongin cups his mitten-covered hands to his mouth and calls back. "What does that mean?"
Jongdae glasses are wet from the snow and he takes them off, slicking his damp bangs back. "It means that you're trying too hard." And then, smiling at Jongin's dumbstruck face he closes the window.
"That was beautiful."
"Shut up, Baekhyun."
--
Book 3; Chapter 107
Jongin thinks about what Jongdae says. He lies on his bed, holding his hands out in front of him and watching his fingers change shape in front of the bland backdrop of the ceiling. It's that same off-white that all developers use because they want something bright but white shows the dirt too easily.
Jongin remembers the time he complained about the color to Sehun.
Sehun, being Sehun, had said, Well, paint it then.
And he had, in his mind. In his mind the ceiling was decorated with aliens and a hidden treasure map and all kinds of clues and monsters.
But in reality the ceiling is still that drab off-white.
And maybe that's what his whole life has been like. Maybe he keeps living in his head because he's scared to change things in his life. Maybe the truth is that he's afraid of truly living.
If it's a story he's read he knows how it will end. He can stand back and see the plot points as they appear. He knows what the rules are and he can guess how plots will resolve. If a challenger appears then the main character will level up their skills. They'll train and they'll sweat and in the end the problem will be defeated. But what are the guarantees in real life?
Will he and Jongdae be able to make up? Will they be able to go back to how they were before? Or will the fight leave a strange aftertaste in their mouths that they'll taste whenever they kiss? Maybe it will only drive them further apart and break them irrevocably.
Even if he tries to repair their relationship, how does he know that they won't end up breaking up anyway?
His chest clenches painfully at the thought of losing Jongdae. Jongdae, whose imagination is just as colorful as his own. Jongdae, who laughed when Jongin told him to be careful of the secret agent hiding in the stairwell when they both knew full well that Jongin was only talking about a spider.
And the Jongdae who, unlike Jongin, makes his dreams a reality; who takes his eccentric thoughts and builds things from them.
Perhaps in the end the choice doesn't come down to whether or not there's a guarantee of the future, but which of his fears is stronger: the fear of living his life or the fear of losing Jongdae altogether.
--
Chapter ???
Jongin wakes up.
Jongin wakes up and today he's Kim Jongin. Just a college student trying to win back his boyfriend.
--
Jongdae's sitting in the cafe, studying for his Film Methods final when Jongin slips into the seat next to him. He doesn't look up, tagging the page with a sticky note and scrawling a few messy notes in the margin that he'd probably ask Jongin to decipher later.
Or he would if they're still dating.
"Hey."
"Hey."
The response was a little bit more lackluster than Jongin was hoping and he licks his lips nervously. He's opening his mouth to speak but Jongdae ends up beating him to it, slipping his pen onto his book and looking up.
"So. Who are you today?" He chuckles, tapping his fingers onto his book. "Since you're doing romantic comedies now, maybe you're going to be one of Tom Hank's roles. Are you Sleepless in Seoul or something?" He raises an eyebrow. "Or maybe you're a spy or action hero again?"
Jongin clears his throat, and holds out his hand. Out of all the embarrassing and cheesy things he's done, this is the first time that he's doing them as himself and he blushes. "Nice to meet you. I'm Jongin. I'm a third year undecided major. I like dogs and watching anime. And I have a wonderful boyfriend named Jongdae."
Jongdae takes the offered hand, his eyes widening as he continues to listen. And then slowly Jongdae smiles, leaning forward on the table. "Only wonderful?"
Jongin considers this for a moment. "Super wonderful," he amends.
Jongdae leans in, flipping his book shut. "Make it the best boyfriend ever and I think we've got a deal."
"Best boyfriend ever?" Jongin raises his eyebrows, laughter at the edge of his voice. "Because I think I recall you saying that the best boyfriend ever would have superpowers that alerted him when his boyfriend was craving pizza and I'm pretty sure that-"
Jongdae narrows his eyes, kicking the other under the table. "Hey, do you want me to forgive you or not?" Despite his words, there's a playful gleam to his eyes and Jongin has a feeling that he's already forgiven.
But Jongin's not taking chances.
"I do! I do! Please forgive me!" He holds up his hands defensively, pausing for a moment to just look at the person in front of him. His strange, eccentric boyfriend who is somehow the perfect match to him.
"Fine. You're the best boyfriend ever," Jongin mumbles and then he doesn't have to say anything else because Jongdae's lips are swallowing up the rest of his words, and then Jongdae tongue is flicking gently over his lips and his thoughts are being consumed as well.
--
Jongin blinks sleepily when the morning light fills his small bedroom and he reaches out for the body that should be next to him, frowning when he can only feel sheets under his hand.
"Jongdae?"
The bed dips and Jongdae sits down on the edge of the bed, putting his coffee on the bedside table before leaning in to kiss Jongin's cheek. "Yes?"
Jongin likes this kind of warmth. He likes the tint of coffee on his boyfriend's breath and he likes the way that his lips taste.
"Good morning, Mr. Kim."
"And good morning to you, Mr. Kim."
"Let's agree not to do that again."
"But doesn't it sound cool? Like a spy movie or-"
"Jongin."
"Okay. fine." And laughing, he tugs his boyfriend back down onto the bed, nestling him in his arms and keeping him where he belongs.
(And later that day they both decide to be knights fighting demons in the forms of pillows around his bedroom and maybe that's okay from time to time too.)
A/N: Thank you Ren for betaing! All the hearts for you~ ♥♥♥