43,829 minutes to forever
43,829 minutes to forever
xiukai + xiuhun + slight!suho/chen
pg-13; 10k
[Spoiler (click to open)]broken pairing
Jongin’s a photographer in Tokyo who just wants to know how long eternity is. Minseok is the answer.
-originally written for sncj_reversebb and posted here
It takes one hour and seventeen minutes to get to Shibuya when Jongin takes the local train. It's exactly sixty-five minutes longer than it took him to get to his old job and he passes the time by watching girls put on their fake eyelashes and businessmen play games on their smart phones. But even watching the strangers on the train isn't enough to hold his attention and around Akabane he falls asleep, his head bobbing forward with the gentle rhythm of the train.
--
He's three minutes late when he arrives at the photo studio in Daikanyama. Hastily he tries to fix his hair when he enters from outside. The light wind was just strong enough to ruin his artfully tousled look and he gives up trying to style it again, instead settling for something more natural.
"Jongin!"
Jongdae slips a clipboard under his arm and walks over to greet him. He holds out a paper cup of milk-laden coffee and Jongin gratefully accepts it, letting the warmth of it fill his stomach.
"Sorry, I'm late." He says as a formality, even though he knows that Jongdae really doesn't care that much.
Just as he expected, Jongdae waves it off, completely unconcerned by a few minutes of lost time.
"It's fine. Baekhyun and Sehun aren't finished in make-up anyway." He pulls the clipboard out again and consults the list. "And two of the lights still need to be set up. Have you spoken with Minseok yet?" He peers up from the clipboard, gaze levelling on Jongin. He turns to accept a black bag from a helper that's waiting nearby and Jongin recognizes it as Jongdae's laptop.
Since they've been friends since university, there are times that Jongin forgets that Jongdae isn't the same reckless college student that he used to be. It's strange remembering the Jongdae that sat through his statistics exam drunk when he sees the professional side of his friend.
But it's been years since college, so of course things are bound to change.
"Minseok?" Jongin blinks, lifting the cup to his lips. "Who's that?" He thought he knew everyone involved in the shoot, so a new name takes him by surprise. Due to the language barrier, many Koreans tend to hang out with each other. Amongst his friends only Jongdae and Baekhyun had enough knowledge of Japanese and enough extraversion to branch outside of the comfort of their native tongue.
But the look of exasperation that crosses Jongdae's face makes it clear that he should know who Minseok is, and Jongin flinches back slightly, already anticipating a scolding.
"Honestly, do you read any of the e-mails I send you?" Jongdae's tone is light but there's a biting edge to it and Jongin is glad that Jongdae's hands are full. "Minseok is the agent that asked us to plan this shoot. You should at least know the name of the person financing the whole thing."
Jongin laughs sheepishly into his coffee, looking around for a reason to change the subject. "The set looks nice."
The studio has been transformed into a wasteland; old gas pumps and neon signs being used as props and dirt spilled over the white drop cloth. There's a rusty white megaphone sitting on the chair and Jongin recalls the proposal that they'd sent to him: "Urban apocalypse, like if the government fell and teenagers gained power. A cross between A Clockwork Orange and Lords of Dogtown"
Jongin wonders if that had been Minseok's idea, or if he had just been passing on someone else's concept. He blows gently at the foam clinging to the sides of his cup. "Wouldn't it be better to shoot on location?"
Jongdae shrugs, "I think they're going to Photoshop in the backgrounds later. I heard that Minseok wanted to shoot on the street but the company pushed for keeping it in a controlled environment. They were afraid that changes in the weather would push the schedule back."
Slowly, they begin to make their way towards the dressing rooms. Sehun and Baekhyun should be finishing up with make-up soon and Jongin needs to check their outfits. Shifting his clipboard, Jongdae gives him a copy of the proof photos they took earlier.
"Don't forget that they want a casual look. The model's poses can't look artificial so make sure they relax in front of the camera."
Jongin snorts as he flips through the photos, "Jongdae, when have you ever seen Sehun relax?"
"He's going to be extra nervous today too." Jongdae sighs, tapping his fingers on the clipboard. The tapping stops and he smiles, "He's pretty comfortable with you though, aren't you friends?"
Jongin shrugs, they've gone out for a few drinks before and he liked spending time with the young model, but it wasn't like they were especially close. "I guess. We get along well, but we don't really hang out."
"You don't really hang out with anyone."
And it's a little too close to the truth for Jongin to laugh it off. He always blames the language barrier for his lack of socializing, but he doesn't have that excuse with Jongdae and Sehun. Maybe it's from being homesick or maybe it's the culture shock, but he can't seem to settle into the city the way he thought he would.
Instead of going out for drinks on the weekend, he usually ends up at home watching Family Outing and Mnet Countdown, ordering pizza and drinking beer from the convenience store.
"It's cheaper to stay home," Jongin mumbles, even though they both know that his salary isn't bad and that he can afford a few rounds of drinks.
Jongdae hums, deciding not to remark on it. They stop in front of the dressing room and peek inside. Sehun is fussing with his collar and Baekhyun is checking his text messages while the stylists put gel in his hair.
"Why does Sehun look so nervous today?"
It's common for Sehun's expressions to look forced or unnatural, but Jongin hasn't seen him look this fidgety before.
"Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you." Jongdae leans back against the doorframe, smiling mischeviously. "His boyfriend's going to be at the shoot today."
They watch Sehun's fingers smooth over the stiff collar, trying to get it to lay flat even though there aren't any wrinkles in the fabric at all.
"That's kind of cute." Although Jongin was never interested in the younger man, Sehun's nervous excitment is endearing and Jongin finds himself wondering what kind of man Sehun is dating.
"Isn't it?" Cocking his head to the side, Jongdae's grin widens. "But it also means that his face is going to be even stiffer on set today, so have fun."
He claps Jongin on the back and rushes off.
As soon as Jongdae gets called away, the set becomes a whirlwind of people rushing back and forth. Some of the lights need adjusting and there are always last minute touches that need to be added. Baekhyun's pant legs need to be pinned up and the color they spray into Sehun's hair doesn't set properly so they need to wash it out before it gets on the clothes.
Jongin wanders around, helping out with little jobs and lending a hand where he's needed.
In the end, Minseok never shows up.
--
Jongin has a problem with the concept of eternity.
There are people that throw the word around carelessly, but ideas like forever and always just can't seem to stick in his head. How can people hold onto something so abstract? Eternity isn't a promise. It's an idea that's been romanticized by dramas and movies. Most people don't seem bothered by the concept of something so enduring, but Jongin can't think so far ahead. He has to break down hours into minutes and seconds. Maybe eternity can't be measured, but a week is 168 hours and a day is 86,400 seconds.
Instead of pretty words he prefers to rely on the things he can see. Like photos of smiles and baby socks that are now too small for his feet. He prefers reminders of the past to whispers of the future.
And that's how it has always been.
--
That Friday he's planning on skipping out on another invitation when Jongdae's words bite at him.
"I hang out with people," he grumbles to himself as he slips the Pizza Hut flyer back onto the counter. It joins the rest of the take out flyers that he's been gathering for the past few months, covering up another handout for fried chicken and a menu for a Chinese restaurant.
He looks forlornly at the box set of Gundam episodes sitting next to his television, but he texts I'll be there when Junmyeon asks if he wants to join him and a few friends bowling.
--
"Look who showed up," Baekhyun teases when Jongin arrives. "I didn't even know you still lived in Tokyo." He doesn't look at all like a model when he dresses down in a sweatshirt and jeans, and not for the first time Jongin wonders how he managed to get into the industry when he lacks the height and the cheekbones for modeling.
Jongin rolls his eyes. "Baekhyun you just saw me this week. Or did you already forget that I was the photographer for the only good job you've gotten?"
Baekhyun laughs tonelessly. "Ha ha ha, at least I'm not a hermit." He pulls his hood up in a mock portrayal of what he thinks an under-socialized loser should look like and Kyungsoo uses it as a chance to pinch him.
"Behave, children."
Junmyeon flashes Kyungsoo a look that is half grateful and half concerned. And now that Baekhyun is done being a pain, Jongin can look over who came. Most of the people he's already familiar with: Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Junmyeon, and...
"Jongin, have you met Minseok?" Junmyeon smiles, handing him a pair of bowling shoes.
So this is who Minseok is.
He's shorter than Jongin was expecting, soft cheeks and golden brown strands of hair peeping out from underneath an oversized beanie.
"It's nice to meet you. Kim Minseok." Minseok's hand is about half the size of his and Jongin's fingers close easily around the other's.
"Nice to meet you." Jongin echoes, keeping his handshake firm. "And I'm Jongin."
"Jongin." Minseok repeats with a small smile, squeezing Jognin's hand before pulling away. "I didn't expect our first meeting to be this casual, but I'm glad I finally got to meet you. I'm a fan of your work, so I was disappointed that I couldn't make it to the shoot."
"Another time then," Jongin's amazed. He didn't think his photos were that widespread; mainly he did work for small magazines and blogs. Did he even have enough of a portfolio to get fans? "You've seen my photos before?'
"Yes. Didn't you do some shots for a fashion blog of people in aquariums?" Minseok hums, returning his hands to the pockets of his slacks. "The way that you framed those shots of couples against the backdrops of fish was just incredible. I've never seen someone use the location to tell so much about the people."
"You saw those?"
"I'm in advertising." Minseok smiles crookedly. "Trends are part of my job."
Jongin finds himself laughing, "I wouldn't really call my work a trend."
Minseok clucks his tongue, looking pleased. "Just wait."
--
Jongin learns quickly that he's not good at bowling. Whatever skill he'd acquired in high school has faded away from time and neglect. However, fortunately no one else is very good at bowling either.
Junmyeon is the only one's who's gotten a strike after three rounds of bowling and Baekhyun has pretty much given up on getting anything higher than a five. Instead of aiming for the pins he starts trying to have the most creative form; posing in ridiculous ways as he releases the bowling ball.
Kyungsoo is the only one who actually seems like he minds that he's terrible at bowling and his brow furrows before he throws each ball, biting his lip as he tries to mentally will it to knock down more points.
Next to him, Minseok takes in a sharp breath when Kyungsoo's ball rolls into the gutter. Jongin looks towards the sound and when Minseok realizes that Jongin heard him, he laughs sheepishly, embarrassed to be caught getting so invested in their game.
His smile is wide and gummy and Jongin ends up smiling along.
--
Tokyo is the biggest city in the world. Over 35 million live in an area of 13,500 square kilometers. There are around 136 train lines and over 1,000 stations. It's a city that's been constructed over time: rambling and building up over itself as time passes and hiding many secrets within its urban sprawl.
Jongin balances his frothy coffee in one hand and a portfolio in the other as he looks over the location. The old abandoned subway station fits the grunge image of the clothes and he hums in approval as he takes in the cracked walls. Each of the stones is smeared with drips of dirty rainwater and the tracks of water make the solid white of the walls looked striped and blotchy. There are a few fading murals painted on the wall and the mixture of childish and apocalyptic draws a smile to his face.
It seems that the previous clothing company decided to redo some of the photographs on site and although Jongin is annoyed that some of his work isn't going to be used, he's excited about taking photos in an unfamiliar place.
"So they finally decided to shoot on location. Who picked this site?" He slips the folder underneath his arm, taking a long sip of his latte as he turns back to the workers assembled, many of them setting up backlights and reflectors.
Jongdae looks up from a checklist of equipment. His gaze is a bit distracted, but he finds the source of the question and smiles slightly at the other. "Minseok did."
Jongin raises an eyebrow at the familiar name. "Him again?" It's been a few weeks since he'd met the other man at bowling and even though they didn't talk much, he was still left with a good impression.
"Yeah. Did you end up seeing him at the shoot? I don't think he came…" Jongdae trails off, watching Jongin's expression curiously.
"Not at the shoot, but I met him when Junmyeon invited us to go bowling."
Jongdae sucks in a breath at the mention of Junmyeon.
The best way to explain Jongdae's feelings for Junmyeon is with the simple phrase, "it's complicated." Jongdae has been nursing a crush for years and he still doesn't understand how he ended up liking Junmyeon in the first place. Even though Jongdae criticizes everything Junmyeon does, he can't stop gushing over him either.
When they're on the way to the bar, Jongdae says things like: "Who even thinks that paisley is still an acceptable pattern for ties? I bet he even has hearts on his boxers."
But when they're riding the train home and Jongdae has a few drinks in his system he says things like: "Goddamnit, how does he make even paisley look good?" And Jongin pretends to nod sympathetically while checking his phone.
Brow furrowing slightly, Jongdae licks his lips. What comes next will probably be a thinly veiled lament about his attraction to Junmyeon, and Jongin doesn't want to get stuck in a twenty-minute conversation about argyle socks.
So Jongin speaks first. "Is Minseok here yet?"
Caught by the sudden subject change, Jongdae blinks. "He's not here yet but he will be." His smile quirks slightly as if he remembered something amusing. "There's no way he wouldn't show up."
"Because he's overseeing the shoot?" Jongin clicks his camera into the tripod, bending over to look through it. He focuses it on the lights in the background to check the lens and Jongdae goes out of focus.
Jongdae hums, "Well that too." There's a hint of something else in his voice; some kind of secret joke and Jongin finds himself frowning. He twists the lens the other way and Jongdae's face becomes clear, then blurry again.
"What do you mean by-?"
But before Jongin can ask what that means, Jongdae has turned back to the set, nettling one of the helpers about a missing drop cloth.
--
There are a lot of small cafes near Omotesando. The area immediately around the station is filled with brand stores and it's a prime area to overcharge customers in the name of prestige. Yet even though most of the ones around the station are overpriced, but as you walk further the prices drop a bit, and after a 2 km radius the coffee drops under 600 yen.
It's in one of those shops - one of the shops just short of being fashionable - which Minseok asks to meet up with Jongin to talk about possible future projects.
Jongin was surprised when Minseok contacted him, but he wasn't at all opposed to doing more colloborations. The last project went well, and Minseok is easy to work with. He likes talking to Minseok. Minseok makes him feel calm. Minseok is interesting.
"Sorry to keep you waiting."
He's barely a minute late, but Jongin doesn't bother to argue, smiling as he moves aside his bag to let Minseok sit next to him. "It's fine. I just got here."
The table is small and round. It's tall and Minseok's legs dangle from the stool, his loafers bumping into the stainless steel post.
"Have you been here before?"
"Hmm?" Jongin looks up. The interior of the café is all wood and the walls are a patchwork of browns behind him. "No, I haven't. Is this your first time here?"
"Yeah, one of the models recommended it to me." Minseok smiles and the corner of his mouth quirks up. "I heard that the coffee here is good." He pulls out a few magazines and spreads them on the table. Then he calls over a waiter, waiting until after their drinks are ordered before he gets to what he wants to say. "I'm sorry to ruin our conversation with talk of work, but there's a job I'd like to hire you for. A men's formalwear company wants to emphasize how natural their products are and I immediately thought you'd be perfect for it. I was thinking of photographing the models in a park. Maybe Rinshinomori Park so we could get lots of trees in the picture…" Realizing that he's been rambling he trails off and looks at Jongin uncertainly. "But what do you think?"
"I think I want to work with you again."
Minseok grins and the tenseness in his shoulders smoothes out. "If that's the case then we need to start planning." He leans forward, pointing to locations or photography styles he's interested in. Jongin gives him feedback about different ideas and slowly they shape a project proposal.
--
The next time Jongin sees Minseok he's surrounded by greens. The light is filtering through a canopy of trees and Baekhyun is complaining about a lost contact lens.
They've been communicating via e-mail, but their busy schedules left little time to meet up in person. The drafts were sent by fax and the announcement that gave them the okay to continue was sent by text message. It feels a little weird to be able to see Minseok in person again. Like breathing after holding his breath for a long time. Jongin walks over to him, watching as Minseok stares up at the trees.
"You seem to be lost in thought."
Minseok looks a bit embarrassed to be caught, but he smiles, turning to Jongin. "It's been awhile." He looks the same as Jongin remembers, a slight arch in his eyebrows and quietness in his movements.
Jongin looks back up at the boughs above them. "What were you thinking about?"
Laughing, Minseok shrugs. "I was just thinking about tree rings. I read that if a tree ring is thick then it means that year was rich with nutrients and a thinner ring means that there weren't as many. The tree takes a memory of the past year through its growth. People may record the past through photographs, but trees record it in their very skin..." Trailing off, he hums softly, looking back up at Jongin. "Sorry, it was just a thought."
"What if time is in our skin?" Jongin mumbles, he rubs his thumb over the back of his hand, thinking about the accumulation of time that's been gathering inside of him.
Minseok smiles, looking pleased that Jongin's seriously considering what he said. "But our cells are constantly being replaced. We can't hold onto time like trees do. Tattoos are probably the closest we can get to that."
Jongin slips his hands into his pockets. "How do you hold onto time?"
Surprised at his question, Minseok's eyes widen. He chuckles as he thinks about his answer, smiling enigmatically. "By building bonds with people."
--
That night Jongin dreams that he's a scientist studying tree rings. He examines the cross section of a trunk that represents his life and all the rings are thick except for the most recent one. Frowning, he writes down the measurements and shows his colleague.
Minseok looks at the chart and smiles. His almond eyes are almost cat-like in the unnatural lighting of the laboratory.
"How do you hold onto time, Jongin?"
--
The next day, Jongin coops himself up in the studio and edits the shots they took the previous day. As much as he loves the art side of being a photographer, the technology is baffling to him at times and he ends up sending Kyungsoo a lot of texts asking where to find the controls for changing levels or adding a new layer.
Eventually Kyungsoo gets fed up of texting Jongin links to Yahoo answer pages and Skypes with him instead, using the share screen function to help Jongin find what he needs and typing up an assignment about computer performance analysis in between answering questions about tool placement.
"It's useful to have a friend in computer science," Jongin murmurs as he changes the contrast and Kyungsoo stops typing to stare at him, leaning closer to the screen.
"Jongin, using Photoshop is easy. All you have to do is pay attention to the tutorial and search google. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm studying comp sci."
Cheeks reddening slightly, Jongin shrugs. Biting his lip, he ignores the comment in favor of cropping the image. The studio is quiet and the only noise is the sound of Kyungsoo typing on the other end of the conversation.
But then a voice breaks the silence.
"Hello?"
Jongin jolts forward at the sudden noise looking back over his shoulder in surprise. Minseok is standing there, holding his briefcase in one hand and a paper bag in the other.
"Minseok?"
"Sorry for surprising you. Jongdae said you were still at the office so I thought I would come by to check. " He holds up the paper bag. "I brought some dinner too, since Jongdae said you probably hadn't eaten yet. You're working on the photos from yesterday, right?"
"Uh, yeah…" Jongin exits the Skype conversation with Kyungsoo, muttering "Sorry, Soo but I gotta go," as he presses the end call button, ignoring the curious look on the other's face as he cranes his head in an attempt to see who Jongin is talking to.
"Oh, were you talking to someone?" Minseok looks ashamed for interrupting and Jongin quickly reassures him.
"Just a friend, it's fine. Let me show you what I have so far."
He opens up Photoshop and the Minseok puts the bag on the table so he can look at the photos more clearly.
--
It's late by the time that they finish editing the photos, especially with the breaks that they take for eating and talking. The food that Minseok had brought him was just a simple bowl of jajangmyun, but Jongin was hungry enough that even something that cheap tasted delicious and he ate it up quickly, mumbling answers to Minseok's questions about the photographs.
The last train to Minseok's apartment has already left the station by the time they get there and Jongin insists he stay over at his apartment for the night. It takes some convincing, but Minseok finally agrees. There aren't many sober people that take the last train home and Jongin is secretly grateful for the company.
True to his expectations, it isn't long before a red-faced salary man leans on his shoulder and Jongin gently pushes him aside, the lanyard around the man's neck swinging as he stumbles back a step and holds onto a pole.
Sighing, he turns to Minseok. "Moved to Tokyo recently?"
Minseok makes a small sound of disagreement and shakes his head. "A few years ago?" He smiles slightly, sending a text and tucking his phone back into his pocket. "It's already been almost three years. He laughs, reaching up to hold onto a handle. He moves with the strap, swaying with the movement of the train. "What about you?"
"I've been here about eight months now." It feels weird to say it aloud. The time he's spent living here feels far longer and it feels strange to sum up the days of restlessness and homesickness with a single number.
"Why did you decide to move here?"
It's a simple question that he gets asked constantly, but he doesn't want to give Minseok the same auto response that he gives everyone.
"Usually I say it's because I wanted adventure or to experience something new, but to be honest I'm not sure." Jongin meets Minseok's gaze and he can tell by the way that Minseok's head is bobbing along to his words that he actually cares about his response. "I guess the short answer is that Jongdae said he could get me a job and I didn't have any options in Korea so I thought, why not."
"And the long answer?"
Jongin laughs in surprise, reaching up to hold onto the strap of the train with both of his hands. "The long answer requires a more detailed description about how my loving family and three sisters were suffocating me and babying me and I needed to move out on my own. That and my insecurities about being able to find a job and Jongdae offering me an easy out."
Minseok tilts his head, smiling. "Moving to a foreign country isn't really an easy out."
Leaning his forehead against the handle, Jongin sighs, "Yeah I'm kind of finding that out now."
"Do you like living in Tokyo?"
And Jongin thinks about his months of living alone and eating pizza delivery. Then he thinks about the friends he's made and the people he's met. He gives Minseok a shy smile.
"Sometimes."
--
To Junmyeon, moving into a new apartment is an excuse to throw a housewarming party. And to Jongdae, a party at Junmyeon's house is an excuse to get them both drunk and keep Junmyeon's attention on him by asking golfing questions.
"So if you were one swing away from par and there was a sand trap between you and the hole, which golf club would you use?"
"Hmm…that's complicated."
Jongdae grins. The harder the question is, the longer time it will take to answer. Junmyeon is usually too concentrated on being a good host to sit still for long but Jongdae's already managed to keep Junmyeon in one place for nearly an hour. "Really? Why's that?"
Nearby, Jongin rolls his eyes at Jongdae's childish behavior. Nursing a cup of wine, he leaves the balcony and continues wandering through the different rooms of Junmyeon's apartment. It's surprisingly big for a Tokyo apartment, with four different rooms all separated from each other. The inside is newly renovated and some of the furniture still smells new.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol are spread out across Junmyeon's expensive couch playing Super Smash Bros while Kyungsoo stands behind them, criticizing their choice of attack.
"Aren't either of you going to get the hammer? Wow, you guys suck at this game. Chanyeol, don't use B-Up there! You're going to hit the-"
Chanyeol shrieks with laughter as his character hits the bottom of the platform and falls to its death, giving Baekhyun a one-point advantage.There are remnants of snacks in bowls on the floor and crumbs spilled over the carpet. That's not going to be fun to clean up.
Jongin slips into the bedroom, his face brightening when he finally finds Minseok. Sehun is leaning on his shoulder, his normally white skin flushed with alcohol and his hands curled into Minseok's shirt.
"It seems you found a quieter room to hide out in."
Minseok laughs softly and Sehun peers up at Jongin blurrily.
"You're that photographer," he mumbles as he looks Jongin over. Minseok rubs Sehun's back and he curls up more, his head slipping down onto Minseok's lap as his eyes close. "Don't photograph me now. It's not work time now, Minnie." His words become muffled as he presses his face into Minseok's leg.
"I didn't know you and Sehun were close." Jongin shoots Minseok a slightly inquiring look as he takes a spot on the bed next to him.
"Ah yeah, we've known each other since college." Minseok ruffles Sehun's hair and the younger stirs briefly before he falls back asleep, his fingers curling around Minseok's thigh. "He was my underclassman at the photography club."
"You do photography?"
Minseok blushes faintly. "A little. Nothing like your photos, though."
Jongin can feel his face becoming hot at the compliment and he holds his glass up to block the blush spreading across his face. "Was Sehun this clingy when you were in college?"
They look down at the boy sleeping in Minseok's lap and as if Sehun knows that they're talking about him, his nose scrunches. Minseok smiles, chuckling. "You have no idea."
Minseok seems a bit too sober for someone who's at a party with alcohol and Jongin confronts him teasingly. "So are you the designated driver or something? I don't see you holding a drink." He nudges at Minseok's shoulder gently.
Chuckling, Minseok bumps him back playfully. "Of course not. I just put my glass of wine on the dresser because I was afraid that I was going to spill it. I heard it's hard to get wine stains out and I'm pretty sure these blankets are expensive since they feel nice."
Jongin rubs his hand over the bed and he's surprised at how smooth they are under his hands. "Junmyeon always had a taste for the finer things"
"Hmm," Minseok agrees. "Except when it comes to Jongdae." He adds with a mischievous smile. Then he looks at Jongin sheepishly. "Jongin could you get my wine for me? I'd do it myself but…" He gestures down to Sehun helplessly and Jongin chuckles.
"Of course." Jongin takes a few steps towards the dresser and grabs the glass with his free hand, returning to the bed and passing it to Minseok.
Remembering their earlier conversation about tree rings and time, he ignores Minseok's silent invitationt to sit, asking instead:
"Do you like wine?"
Minseok tilts his head, confused at the sudden question. "I guess."
Jongin swirls his cup gently and the red liquid ripples with the movement. He pauses for a moment, looking at the small whirlpool he created. "It's interesting how wine needs time to gain flavor and value. It's like an alcoholic time capsule. It's sealed in the past and left for years until someone finally opens it again to drink it"
Minseok holds his glass up and looks at the liquid in his glass, a red shadow cast over his face. "The flavor might be created in the past but you can still change it in the present by adding air to it. That's why people decant wine and buy aerators. The flavor of the past is still influenced by the present, don't you think?" Minseok presses the glass to his lips and laughs against it. "Maybe the past can't be changed, but the present tints it."
Jongin nods, wondering how this conversation will tint his life and Sehun sighs, shifting in Minseok's lap.
--
It's a month into their friendship that Jongin starts seeing Minseok differently.
They're talking in a coffee shop about the importance of aperture on the mood of a picture and how digital cameras have changed photography. And it's an inconvenient time to realize it because he's never been very good at keeping expressions off his face and he's sure that Minseok will notice the change. But even so he can't keep from looking at Minseok and his eyes linger on the soft curves of his face and he loves they way that his eyes crinkle when he laughs. It's been a long time since he's found someone he's wanted to photograph so badly.
Even though Minseok doesn't like to talk a lot, his face is far more expressive than his words.
And sometimes he just looks at things and sees something that Jongin could never see. His gaze gets a bit lost and Jongin asks him what he's thinking about. Minseok's an enigma wrapped in a calm air of melancholy and it's just the sort of personality that Jongin finds himself drawn to.
He's not going to be cliché and say that it's like seeing things in color. Rather, the minutes seem fuller with Minseok around and for once he's losing track of time.
--
"I've been spending a lot of time with the coordinator from that photo shoot recently." Jongin announces to Jongdae over a drink.
The bar feels musty today and he's just drunk enough to make the corners of his vision blur and his face hot.
"Which photo shoot?"
"You know, the subway one. The one you scolded me for not knowing. He was at Junmyeon's party too."
Jongdae scrunches his nose as he tries to recall, his eyes widening as he remembers. "Oh, Minseok?" His eyes narrow and he taps his fingers against his beer glass. "Wait, that's who you've been mooning over this whole time?"
"I have not been mooning!"
"Well, I should hope not, because he has a boyfriend."
There's no way Jongin heard correctly.
"What?"
"Don't you remember asking why Sehun was nervous?" Jongdae's brows furrow, like he had assumed that Jongin already knew. "He and Minseok have been dating since they were in college."
"Huh?" Jongin thinks back to the stiff way Sehun smoothed his collar, the nervous way his hands fluttered. That was for Minseok? "He's dating Sehun?"
"Why do you sound so surprised? Who did you think he was coming to see all this time?" Jongdae raises an eyebrow, lifting his glass. "They've been together for four years already."
He watches Jongdae finish his beer and numbly orders the next round, picturing Minseok at Sehun's side as he digs into his pockets for some bills.
--
Four years. One year is 525,949 minutes and eight years is 2,103,798 minutes. It's much longer than the measly few months that he's known Minseok.
Can time measure how well you know a person?
He leans his head forward onto his knees, letting the bathwater surround him. If time can measure feelings, then Sehun was winning for sure. All the minutes that he and Minseok had were stacked much higher than Jongin's.
It's strange how clearly things are in hindsight. Now that Jongin knows that Minseok and Sehun are dating the signs are clear. How Minseok would show up to all the shoots that Sehun modeled in. The friendly way they talked between the breaks. He replays the moments in his mind, wondering if the texts Minseok got were from Sehun.
The bathwater is growing cold on his skin and he looks at his fingers. The skin of his fingertips is puckered from sitting in the water for so long. He stands and drains the tub.
--
"I got your text." Minseok holds up his phone before tucking it back into his blazer. "It's rare that you call me out for lunch. Do you want to eat around here or should we-"
"I didn't realize that you and Sehun were dating." His light tone sounds forced to his own ears but Minseok is either too polite or too dense to notice.
"Yeah, I'm the reason he moved to Tokyo in the first place, actually." Minseok sinks onto a nearby bench and Jongin settles next to him. It's shady underneath the cover of trees, but the leaves can't keep back the humidity. Jongin presses a handkerchief to his face and it comes back wet.
"Why did you move here?" He can't tell if asking more about their relationship is to feed some strange masochistic craving inside of himself or if it's to help him get over his feelings.
Completely oblivious to the internal battle waging inside of Jongin's head, Minseok shrugs. "I got a job with an advertising firm here after college, so I thought why not? Sehun wasn't done school yet but I convinced him to come with me anyway. Promised him that I could get him some modeling work."
"And you did." There's a small hole next to the side seam of his jeans and he picks at it.
Minseok nods. "Not like it was hard. He's got the right bones to model. But-"
"Hm?" Jongin prompts him to continue.
"I think he wonders if he'd be in a different line of work if he'd finished school." He chuckles, looking over at Jongin. "To be honest, Sehun is somewhat of a marine nut. Crazy about penguins and fish. If he'd finished university he'd probably be working at an aquarium or in a pet shop."
Despite his best intentions he can't look away after Minseok's made eye contact and he keeps staring back, biting his lip. "But he likes modeling, right?"
Minseok hums, disagreeing without actually saying it outright. Jongin knows him well enough by now to read between the lines and he can't keep himself from asking:
"What is it?"
It's just-" He looks aimlessly around the park before turning back to meet Jongin's eyes, his brows furrowing slightly. "He's been restless recently. I think he wants to go back to school."
"Is that a problem?"
"No, but it means that he'll want to move back to Seoul."
"Will you go with him?" His hands clench and he puts them in his lap, afraid of what the answer will be.
Minseok shrugs, leaning back onto the bench and watching cars stop at the intersection nearby. "I guess so."
--
Later on the set, Jongin catches a glance of Minseok watching Sehun model.
There's pride in the way that he looks at the younger man, and Jongin tightens his hand around the camera, closing his eyes to ground himself before he takes the next photograph.
And Jongin wonders why he never noticed before and why Minseok never told him.
--
Now that he sees the relationship between Minseok and Sehun he can't stop looking. He has a bizarre urge to learn more about it, despite the queasiness he feels as he uncovers more information and Baekhyun's comments wondering if they're going through a rough patch only make Jongin feel guiltier.
Like Minseok said, they met in photography club. Sehun was a freshman and Minseok was a senior when they met and Sehun used to follow him everywhere. Somewhere along the line, the indulgence of an underclassman became something more than that and a few months later Sehun practically lived in Minseok's apartment. When Minseok got a job in Japan, most people thought they would break up. But instead of breaking up, Minseok asked Sehun to move with him.
Now they live in an apartment together near Kichijoji and although they both have to commute into the city, Minseok leaves early in the morning and Sehun's hours are more flexible. To make up for the little time they get to spend together at home, Minseok drops by Sehun's shoots and he often uses Sehun in his projects so they can see each other during the day.
But recently there's a slight bite in Sehun's voice when he asks if Minseok is coming to the shoot today, and Minseok rarely drops by the studio, trading in his visits for extra time at the office.
(And Jongin wonders if that's why Minseok never said anything.)
--
There are times that Jongin catches Minseok staring at him with a strange look on his face. He'd like it say it's wistful, but he's not sure if he should get his hopes up that high.
"Are you okay?" Jongin asks, reaching out to brush his fingers against Minseok's. They're almost back at the studio and the light is about to change color so he looks between the light and Minseok's face, biting his lip.
Minseok's hands are cold against Jongin's warmer skin and Jongin gently squeezes Minseok's fingers in his own, trying to give him some of his warmth. Usually late summers are hot, but Tokyo seems to have hit a cold spell recently.
"Is something wrong?" Jongin asks, he looks at Minseok with worry in his creased brows.
Minseok just smiles. He shakes his head and mumbles that it's nothing.
But he keeps holding Jongin's hand until they reach the studio, waiting until they're right outside the studio before he pulls his hand away, squeezing Jongin's hand before he lets go.
--
"You've been spending a lot of time with Minseok lately." Even though it's a statement there's a question in Jongdae's eyes. He knows Jongin well enough that he dosn't need to say anything directly. Instead he's going to ask around everything and pick him apart without even touching the heart of it.
"Yeah…" Jongin fidgets uncomfortably.
"You know he's in a relationship."
It's not like he could forget.
--
But if time builds feelings, then time is also needed to destroy them. For every minute that he spent falling in love with Minseok he needs hours to undo it. It's a slow process of trying to remember why the conversations they had weren't evidence of how well they suit each other.
He hasn't had nearly enough time to pull everything apart when Minseok shows up at his apartment on a weeknight. Normally Minseok wouldn't show up without calling. He's not the type of person who feels comfortable imposing on other people even if they're friends.
So the next words are entirely unexpected.
"Can I stay over tonight?"
Jongin has to try hard to keep his heart from leaping through his mouth. "What's wrong?"
Minseok seems wearier than usual. His hair is messy and one tail of his shirt is hanging untucked. The bag slung over his shoulder is bulging and one of the snaps is undone.
"Bad day at home?"
Although there aren't any tears in sight, the other's eyes are rimmed in red.
"Something like that." Minseok's words are short. "We had a fight."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really. It was all the same old things: you're never home, I hate my job, what happened to us." His mouth creases into a thin line as he sinks back into the memories of the fight and Jongin knows enough not to pry.
He lets Minseok into the house and they start to set up the spare bed together. Silently, they pull a sheet over the futon and stuff a pillow into a pillowcase. They change into their pajamas and brush their teeth. Their movements are slow and dreamlike and there's something waiting to happen in the silence.
He's already in bed when Minseok comes back from the bathroom. He watches him pause in the doorway and Jongin flips up the blanket of his bed in a silent invitation.
And Minseok takes it.
He never really realizes how much taller he is until he's lying in bed with his arms surrounding the other. Cradled in his arms, Minseok doesn't seem older or wiser or more professional. The gentle compressions of Minseok's breaths push in and out against Jongin's arms and the tip of his nose brushes against his collarbones.
Jongin's holding an armful of what he's been waiting for, and the temptation of having what he wants within his grasp is nearly too much to bear. He can smell his own shampoo in Minseok's hair and he sighs, closing his eyes and concentrating on the smells and the warmth.
He feels Minseok speak before he hears it; the words hot on his chest.
"You know what the worst part was?"
Fortunately Jongin is smart enough to recognize a rhetorical question when he hears one and instead of speaking he holds Minseok a bit tighter, his fingers digging gently into the dip of his waist.
"The worst part was when he said that he loved me and I actually had to think about it. I actually had to think about whether or not I love him back." Minseok laughs softly, his hands tightening in Jongin's shirt and stretching the soft cotton. "How can you be in a relationship when you aren't even sure if you love the other?"
He's not sure if Minseok is waiting for a response, but he speaks anyway.
"I don't know."
They fall silent and Jongin has to strain to hear the next words, Minseok's hair brushing against his chin as the older presses his face into Jongin's chest. His voice is muffled, against the fabric of Jongin's shirt.
"Things are so much easier with you."
It's the kind of statement that Jongin doesn't know how to interpret. He's not sure if he should be thinking the things that he is. But he can't stop himself.
--
When Jongin wakes up, his arm is still curled around Minseok's waist and his bed is warm from their combined heat. They stay like that for a while and Jongin can tell from the change in Minseok's breathing that he's already woken up.
All of their movements are lazy and Jongin's hands keep reaching for Minseok's waist. Hugging him as they wander around the morning routines of brushing teeth and foraging for breakfast.
Minseok's at the door before he finds his words.
"Wait."
Minseok pauses in the doorway and Jongin grabs a hold of his wrist, feeling the thin bones of his arm through the skin. His wrist is skinny and the skin is smooth and white. He stares for a moment before catching onto his thoughts. It's not what he should be saying, especially to someone he knows has a boyfriend, and yet, Jongin still can't help the words from spilling out.
"What if I said that I don't want you to go?"
He counts three breaths before he has the courage to look up into Minseok's face.
Although he was expecting to see some anger, there's none. The older man's face is curiously blank, the same tiredness lying under his skin.
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm trying to say that I don't think he's good for you."
"And you would know this how?"
"Do you really want me to admit it?" Jongin sighs, pulling Minseok closer before he drops the other's wrist completely. The last tether between them is gone and if Minseok wants he could walk out the door. "At first I thought it was just friendship but somehow-" his lips quirk, a sad smile tugging his lips into shape. "Somehow the things you did were fascinating to me. I kept wanting to see how you thought about things, how you would react to things. And before I knew it I wanted to know what you thought about me. If you ever thought about me-" He pauses, braving a glance at the other's face. "Have you?"
Minseok looks lost. He stares at Jongin, his eyes blinking as he tries to catch up with everything he just said. And when he finally does understand there are tears clinging to his eyelashes and a small smile curving his lips. "Are you trying to say that you love me?"
The smile gives Jongin confidence and he links his fingers with the other, kissing the back of his knuckles and feeling each of the small bumps of bones under his lips as he drags them over Minseok's skin.
"Yes."
Minseok doesn't say anything, just lets his eyes close as Jongin kisses his knuckles and then the inside of his wrist, leaving kisses from his hand to the crook of his elbows.
"I have. I've thought about you."
And it's enough for Jongin to close the remaining distance and kiss him, his hands coming up to cup his cheeks as his tongue slowly slips between his parted lips, searching for the words he can't say in the depths of the other's mouth.
--
On the way home from work the next day, Jongin buys another bowl and a set of utensils. He picks out ingredients while consulting a recipe he found on his phone while he was riding the train.
He holds the plastic bag of everything he bought as he walks to his apartment. He doesn't feel like waiting for the bus to come, foregoing the bus ride for the brisk walk to his apartment from the station.
As soon as Jongin gets home, he starts the rice in the rice cooker and when Minseok arrives he's halfway done pan-frying the beef and vegetables. Minseok calls out, "I'm home," and Jongin smiles, thinking that he could get used to this.
--
They say that time moves linearly, but sometimes the memories you want to save pile up on top of each other and the line is thicker than normal. To Jongin these days are a patchwork of memories he's creating with Minseok and he doesn't want to miss any of it.
One extra day becomes two and then three. They fall into a routine of making dinner together and then sitting on Jongin's bed and watching movies. Minseok sits with his back against Jongin's chest and their fingers find each other's; lacing together and tracing circles onto their skin. Sometimes they fall asleep halfway through the movie and other times they manage to last through the whole film. Sometimes their fingers wander underneath clothes and sometimes they stroke over skin. Sometimes they kiss and sometimes they don't move even after the film is finished; whispering against lips and teeth and just enjoying the silence.
(Sometimes Minseok's cell phone beeps and he checks the caller before ignoring it and Jongin hugs him from behind, gently pulling him back to bed.)
--
Jongin likes having Minseok at less than an arm's length away. He can see him more clearly and it's easy to stroke the bangs away from his forehead and kiss his cheeks.
"Do you like living in Tokyo?" Jongin murmurs as he gently pulls Minseok into his arms, letting his fingers gently rub up and down the other's spine.
Minseok's brow creases at the question and Jongin chuckles, kissing the space between his eyebrows. But even after they kiss his face remains troubled. "Well, Sehun doesn't particularly-"
Frowning slightly, Jongin tugs on Minseok's cheeks teasingly. "I wasn't asking about Sehun. I want to know if you like living here."
"Me?" Minseok blinks and Jongin bites back a smile.
"You." Reaching the top of Minseok's spine, his fingers begin to drag lightly over Minseok's nape. And while Minseok thinks, Jongin's fingers continue to explore, getting distracted by the question of whether Minseok is ticklish or not.
"Yes." He shies away from Jongin's fingers with a chuckle, trying to avoid being tickled. "Yes, I like it."
--
Minseok is half naked when Jongin brings out his camera and asks to photograph him. Eyeing the camera nervously, he pulls the blanket over him.
"You want to photograph me? Why?"
Minseok's eyes are wide and the comforter nearly swallows him, tufts of brown hair sticking up between the folds of fabric. Holding the camera in one hand, Jongin peels back the covers enough for him to see Minseok's face entirely. Smiling he places a kiss on the other's nose.
"Because I want to memorize you. I want you to be part of my tree ring."
"You remember that?" Minseok blushes at the allusion but he doesn't fight as Jongin tugs away more layers of blanket. Late morning light is spilling through the gap between the curtains and he reaches up to pull them further apart, sunlight making Minseok's hair even browner. There's a golden tint to the air at this time of day and the light makes Minseok's skin glow.
Minseok gives Jongin a stiff smile as he raises the camera and takes a photo and when Jongin checks to see how the photo came out he bursts into laughter, showing Minseok how awkward he looks.
His hand cups Minseok's jaw and his thumb traces the firm set of his lips. Minseok's mouth parts underneath Jongin's touch and his eyes are wide and searching.
"Relax, Seok. It's just me."
It's amazing to watch the tenseness in his body melt away and then muscles in his body relax. Minseok smiles and Jongin takes a picture of the crooked grin, leaning in to memorize the shape of Minseok's mouth with his lips after he records it with his camera.
And after they pull apart Jongin pushes the camera into Minseok's hands and has him take a photo of Jongin too. He strikes a silly pose and Minseok laughs, capturing it on film.
--
It was inevitable that Sehun and Minseok would have to meet again. Minseok had spent his entire career trying to build Sehun into his working life and it wasn't going to be quite so easy to block him out.
But even if Jongin knew that it would happen, he still doesn't feel prepared when Minseok says, "I bumped into Sehun at work today."
"And?" He switches off the stove, letting the water settle as he opens the cabinets, searching for a strainer. He finds the strainer in the cabinet above stove and he leans up on his tiptoes to grab it, turning back to Minseok with it in his hands.
Minseok is still in his work clothes. His tie is crumpled and the first few buttons of his shirt are undone. Gently he puts his briefcase on a chair at the kitchen table and he begins to unbutton his sleeves.
Walking towards Jongin, he wordlessly begins to get out bowls and forks. He sets the utensils down, tilting them to make sure they're straight. "He didn't look like he'd be sleeping well. He was pale."
Jongin snorts softly under his breath, setting the strainer in the sink before draining the pasta. "He's always been pale."
The bottom of the bowl hits the table with a soft clink. "Jongin, I need to talk to Sehun. We've been together for four years. I can't end it without saying anything."
Jongin's mouth is dry. He pours the rest of the water down the sink, watching the cloudy liquid drain down the sink.
"All right. If you think you need to."
Minseok pulls his tie free and hangs it over the back of the chair. He joins Jongin at the sink, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I do."
--
The night that Minseok goes to Sehun's apartment after work is a night that Jongin can't sit still. He walks around, trying to find things to distract him. He tries doing some work. Then taking a shower. He restocks his bathroom with toilet paper, building a tower of rolls next to the toilet. He flips through the TV channels and tries to use the noise to drown out his thoughts. He sits on the bed, watching a Japanese show without understanding any of it. The images barely even register in his head and he can't help but picture Sehun and Minseok together. He's counting minutes and hours unconsciously only to fall asleep in the early hours of morning, still sitting on the bed.
--
Minseok doesn't come home until the next day. He's wearing one of Sehun's shirts; Jongin can tell because the sleeves are too long and the shoulders are too broad for Minseok's lithe frame.
"I thought you were going to come back last night." He complains softly. Smiling, he reaches up to hug the older but Minseok pulls away.
There's pity on Minseok's face and Jongin hates this. This isn't what he wants.
He's realizing that maybe he doesn't know Minseok as well as he thought and the sinking feeling in his stomach is the same feeling he gets when he realizes that he's been taking photographs on a camera empty of film. What has he been doing all of this time?
Minseok's eyes close and he takes in a deep breath before they open again. His eyes lock with Jongin's and he's remembering how fragile Minseok had looked when he photographed him.
"Sehun and I are getting back together."
Minseok could have been saying a million different things. And in Jongin's haze he imagines several different alternative endings. In his mind Minseok backs him up against the refrigerator and kisses him senseless. The hips that were so easy to grip are right in front of him, even if the soft dips of them are hidden under an oversized sweater. He can almost taste Minseok's tongue against his. He can almost hear the little whimper he'd make as he pushes closer into Jongin's arms and-
"Jongin, are you okay?"
Minseok must have realized what a stupid question that is to ask, so he rephrases it. "I mean. Will you be okay?"
Will he be okay? Jongin has no idea. He's never been in love before and he doesn't know how it feels to fall out of love. He feels numb and his responses are becoming automatic as he tries to get through this. "Yeah, I'll be fine."
Minseok looks down. His lashes are long and Jongin wants to cup his face in his hands and kiss him. "I'm sorry, Jongin. I was really happy these past few days. I liked being with you." He reaches out to grab Jongin's arm and Jongin looks down at the fingers curling around his forearm dumbly. "But Sehun needs me."
I need you, he wants to say.
"Okay," is what he does say.
He watches from the kitchen as Minseok gathers his things together. He didn't come with much and there isn't much for him to pack. All too soon he's kissing Jongin's cheek and mumbling goodbye into the tepid air surrounding them.
And this time when the door closes shut there's a tone of finality that has Jongin pushing off of the counter and slipping on his shoes as he rushes outside.
It's early enough in the morning for there to be a slight nip in the air and the hairs on Jongin's neck prickle.
"Wait, Minseok." The shoes that he shoved on are hanging off of his feet and the door swings shut behind him.
Minseok laughs humorlessly, "When did our lives turn into a dumb Korean soap opera?" He turns slightly but he doesn't stop walking.
Shoes slapping against the concrete, Jongin runs ahead of the older, stopping him with hands to his shoulders, "I don't know, but I don't care if it means that I get to be with you."
And finally Minseok meets his gaze straight on and this time Jongin can tell that he's serious and that he really plans on leaving him. He licks his lips and sighs softly. "This isn't television. It's not like a few pretty words are going to change everything."
"I know." Jongin tries to smile but it breaks into a pleading look. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, Jongin. You didn't do anything wrong." His hands go up to cradle Jongin's face and his gaze softens fondly. "You were perfect. Everything you did made my heart sway. You helped me and you supported me. But I'm too used to supporting Sehun to walk away from him when he needs me." Minseok smiles and this time it's apologetic. He tilts up on his tiptoes and presses his lips gently to the younger's. "I'm sorry, Jongin."
He pulls himself free and walks out of Jongin's life wearing a shirt belonging to someone else.
--
"Jongin? It's nice to meet you. My name is Yixing and I'll be taking over for Minseok." The man holds out a hand and Jongin shakes it, smiling in response.
"Where's Minseok?"
"He quit. I guess he's moving back to Seoul." Yixing's face sets into a determined expression. "I'm not as experienced as Minseok was. But I'll do my best to fill his place!"
Jongin smiles. "I think we'll work together just fine."
--
What is eternity? Is it the weight of time? Is it the burden of years between two people, pulling them together and linking them?
Jongin still doesn't know. But every once in a while he'll find the photographs he took of Minseok and he'll think that eternity must be a moment suspended in time that remains untouched in your memory.
A/N: Thank you to Ren for betaing, even though I think I made you cry ;o;
xiukai + xiuhun + slight!suho/chen
pg-13; 10k
[Spoiler (click to open)]broken pairing
Jongin’s a photographer in Tokyo who just wants to know how long eternity is. Minseok is the answer.
-originally written for sncj_reversebb and posted here
It takes one hour and seventeen minutes to get to Shibuya when Jongin takes the local train. It's exactly sixty-five minutes longer than it took him to get to his old job and he passes the time by watching girls put on their fake eyelashes and businessmen play games on their smart phones. But even watching the strangers on the train isn't enough to hold his attention and around Akabane he falls asleep, his head bobbing forward with the gentle rhythm of the train.
--
He's three minutes late when he arrives at the photo studio in Daikanyama. Hastily he tries to fix his hair when he enters from outside. The light wind was just strong enough to ruin his artfully tousled look and he gives up trying to style it again, instead settling for something more natural.
"Jongin!"
Jongdae slips a clipboard under his arm and walks over to greet him. He holds out a paper cup of milk-laden coffee and Jongin gratefully accepts it, letting the warmth of it fill his stomach.
"Sorry, I'm late." He says as a formality, even though he knows that Jongdae really doesn't care that much.
Just as he expected, Jongdae waves it off, completely unconcerned by a few minutes of lost time.
"It's fine. Baekhyun and Sehun aren't finished in make-up anyway." He pulls the clipboard out again and consults the list. "And two of the lights still need to be set up. Have you spoken with Minseok yet?" He peers up from the clipboard, gaze levelling on Jongin. He turns to accept a black bag from a helper that's waiting nearby and Jongin recognizes it as Jongdae's laptop.
Since they've been friends since university, there are times that Jongin forgets that Jongdae isn't the same reckless college student that he used to be. It's strange remembering the Jongdae that sat through his statistics exam drunk when he sees the professional side of his friend.
But it's been years since college, so of course things are bound to change.
"Minseok?" Jongin blinks, lifting the cup to his lips. "Who's that?" He thought he knew everyone involved in the shoot, so a new name takes him by surprise. Due to the language barrier, many Koreans tend to hang out with each other. Amongst his friends only Jongdae and Baekhyun had enough knowledge of Japanese and enough extraversion to branch outside of the comfort of their native tongue.
But the look of exasperation that crosses Jongdae's face makes it clear that he should know who Minseok is, and Jongin flinches back slightly, already anticipating a scolding.
"Honestly, do you read any of the e-mails I send you?" Jongdae's tone is light but there's a biting edge to it and Jongin is glad that Jongdae's hands are full. "Minseok is the agent that asked us to plan this shoot. You should at least know the name of the person financing the whole thing."
Jongin laughs sheepishly into his coffee, looking around for a reason to change the subject. "The set looks nice."
The studio has been transformed into a wasteland; old gas pumps and neon signs being used as props and dirt spilled over the white drop cloth. There's a rusty white megaphone sitting on the chair and Jongin recalls the proposal that they'd sent to him: "Urban apocalypse, like if the government fell and teenagers gained power. A cross between A Clockwork Orange and Lords of Dogtown"
Jongin wonders if that had been Minseok's idea, or if he had just been passing on someone else's concept. He blows gently at the foam clinging to the sides of his cup. "Wouldn't it be better to shoot on location?"
Jongdae shrugs, "I think they're going to Photoshop in the backgrounds later. I heard that Minseok wanted to shoot on the street but the company pushed for keeping it in a controlled environment. They were afraid that changes in the weather would push the schedule back."
Slowly, they begin to make their way towards the dressing rooms. Sehun and Baekhyun should be finishing up with make-up soon and Jongin needs to check their outfits. Shifting his clipboard, Jongdae gives him a copy of the proof photos they took earlier.
"Don't forget that they want a casual look. The model's poses can't look artificial so make sure they relax in front of the camera."
Jongin snorts as he flips through the photos, "Jongdae, when have you ever seen Sehun relax?"
"He's going to be extra nervous today too." Jongdae sighs, tapping his fingers on the clipboard. The tapping stops and he smiles, "He's pretty comfortable with you though, aren't you friends?"
Jongin shrugs, they've gone out for a few drinks before and he liked spending time with the young model, but it wasn't like they were especially close. "I guess. We get along well, but we don't really hang out."
"You don't really hang out with anyone."
And it's a little too close to the truth for Jongin to laugh it off. He always blames the language barrier for his lack of socializing, but he doesn't have that excuse with Jongdae and Sehun. Maybe it's from being homesick or maybe it's the culture shock, but he can't seem to settle into the city the way he thought he would.
Instead of going out for drinks on the weekend, he usually ends up at home watching Family Outing and Mnet Countdown, ordering pizza and drinking beer from the convenience store.
"It's cheaper to stay home," Jongin mumbles, even though they both know that his salary isn't bad and that he can afford a few rounds of drinks.
Jongdae hums, deciding not to remark on it. They stop in front of the dressing room and peek inside. Sehun is fussing with his collar and Baekhyun is checking his text messages while the stylists put gel in his hair.
"Why does Sehun look so nervous today?"
It's common for Sehun's expressions to look forced or unnatural, but Jongin hasn't seen him look this fidgety before.
"Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you." Jongdae leans back against the doorframe, smiling mischeviously. "His boyfriend's going to be at the shoot today."
They watch Sehun's fingers smooth over the stiff collar, trying to get it to lay flat even though there aren't any wrinkles in the fabric at all.
"That's kind of cute." Although Jongin was never interested in the younger man, Sehun's nervous excitment is endearing and Jongin finds himself wondering what kind of man Sehun is dating.
"Isn't it?" Cocking his head to the side, Jongdae's grin widens. "But it also means that his face is going to be even stiffer on set today, so have fun."
He claps Jongin on the back and rushes off.
As soon as Jongdae gets called away, the set becomes a whirlwind of people rushing back and forth. Some of the lights need adjusting and there are always last minute touches that need to be added. Baekhyun's pant legs need to be pinned up and the color they spray into Sehun's hair doesn't set properly so they need to wash it out before it gets on the clothes.
Jongin wanders around, helping out with little jobs and lending a hand where he's needed.
In the end, Minseok never shows up.
--
Jongin has a problem with the concept of eternity.
There are people that throw the word around carelessly, but ideas like forever and always just can't seem to stick in his head. How can people hold onto something so abstract? Eternity isn't a promise. It's an idea that's been romanticized by dramas and movies. Most people don't seem bothered by the concept of something so enduring, but Jongin can't think so far ahead. He has to break down hours into minutes and seconds. Maybe eternity can't be measured, but a week is 168 hours and a day is 86,400 seconds.
Instead of pretty words he prefers to rely on the things he can see. Like photos of smiles and baby socks that are now too small for his feet. He prefers reminders of the past to whispers of the future.
And that's how it has always been.
--
That Friday he's planning on skipping out on another invitation when Jongdae's words bite at him.
"I hang out with people," he grumbles to himself as he slips the Pizza Hut flyer back onto the counter. It joins the rest of the take out flyers that he's been gathering for the past few months, covering up another handout for fried chicken and a menu for a Chinese restaurant.
He looks forlornly at the box set of Gundam episodes sitting next to his television, but he texts I'll be there when Junmyeon asks if he wants to join him and a few friends bowling.
--
"Look who showed up," Baekhyun teases when Jongin arrives. "I didn't even know you still lived in Tokyo." He doesn't look at all like a model when he dresses down in a sweatshirt and jeans, and not for the first time Jongin wonders how he managed to get into the industry when he lacks the height and the cheekbones for modeling.
Jongin rolls his eyes. "Baekhyun you just saw me this week. Or did you already forget that I was the photographer for the only good job you've gotten?"
Baekhyun laughs tonelessly. "Ha ha ha, at least I'm not a hermit." He pulls his hood up in a mock portrayal of what he thinks an under-socialized loser should look like and Kyungsoo uses it as a chance to pinch him.
"Behave, children."
Junmyeon flashes Kyungsoo a look that is half grateful and half concerned. And now that Baekhyun is done being a pain, Jongin can look over who came. Most of the people he's already familiar with: Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Junmyeon, and...
"Jongin, have you met Minseok?" Junmyeon smiles, handing him a pair of bowling shoes.
So this is who Minseok is.
He's shorter than Jongin was expecting, soft cheeks and golden brown strands of hair peeping out from underneath an oversized beanie.
"It's nice to meet you. Kim Minseok." Minseok's hand is about half the size of his and Jongin's fingers close easily around the other's.
"Nice to meet you." Jongin echoes, keeping his handshake firm. "And I'm Jongin."
"Jongin." Minseok repeats with a small smile, squeezing Jognin's hand before pulling away. "I didn't expect our first meeting to be this casual, but I'm glad I finally got to meet you. I'm a fan of your work, so I was disappointed that I couldn't make it to the shoot."
"Another time then," Jongin's amazed. He didn't think his photos were that widespread; mainly he did work for small magazines and blogs. Did he even have enough of a portfolio to get fans? "You've seen my photos before?'
"Yes. Didn't you do some shots for a fashion blog of people in aquariums?" Minseok hums, returning his hands to the pockets of his slacks. "The way that you framed those shots of couples against the backdrops of fish was just incredible. I've never seen someone use the location to tell so much about the people."
"You saw those?"
"I'm in advertising." Minseok smiles crookedly. "Trends are part of my job."
Jongin finds himself laughing, "I wouldn't really call my work a trend."
Minseok clucks his tongue, looking pleased. "Just wait."
--
Jongin learns quickly that he's not good at bowling. Whatever skill he'd acquired in high school has faded away from time and neglect. However, fortunately no one else is very good at bowling either.
Junmyeon is the only one's who's gotten a strike after three rounds of bowling and Baekhyun has pretty much given up on getting anything higher than a five. Instead of aiming for the pins he starts trying to have the most creative form; posing in ridiculous ways as he releases the bowling ball.
Kyungsoo is the only one who actually seems like he minds that he's terrible at bowling and his brow furrows before he throws each ball, biting his lip as he tries to mentally will it to knock down more points.
Next to him, Minseok takes in a sharp breath when Kyungsoo's ball rolls into the gutter. Jongin looks towards the sound and when Minseok realizes that Jongin heard him, he laughs sheepishly, embarrassed to be caught getting so invested in their game.
His smile is wide and gummy and Jongin ends up smiling along.
--
Tokyo is the biggest city in the world. Over 35 million live in an area of 13,500 square kilometers. There are around 136 train lines and over 1,000 stations. It's a city that's been constructed over time: rambling and building up over itself as time passes and hiding many secrets within its urban sprawl.
Jongin balances his frothy coffee in one hand and a portfolio in the other as he looks over the location. The old abandoned subway station fits the grunge image of the clothes and he hums in approval as he takes in the cracked walls. Each of the stones is smeared with drips of dirty rainwater and the tracks of water make the solid white of the walls looked striped and blotchy. There are a few fading murals painted on the wall and the mixture of childish and apocalyptic draws a smile to his face.
It seems that the previous clothing company decided to redo some of the photographs on site and although Jongin is annoyed that some of his work isn't going to be used, he's excited about taking photos in an unfamiliar place.
"So they finally decided to shoot on location. Who picked this site?" He slips the folder underneath his arm, taking a long sip of his latte as he turns back to the workers assembled, many of them setting up backlights and reflectors.
Jongdae looks up from a checklist of equipment. His gaze is a bit distracted, but he finds the source of the question and smiles slightly at the other. "Minseok did."
Jongin raises an eyebrow at the familiar name. "Him again?" It's been a few weeks since he'd met the other man at bowling and even though they didn't talk much, he was still left with a good impression.
"Yeah. Did you end up seeing him at the shoot? I don't think he came…" Jongdae trails off, watching Jongin's expression curiously.
"Not at the shoot, but I met him when Junmyeon invited us to go bowling."
Jongdae sucks in a breath at the mention of Junmyeon.
The best way to explain Jongdae's feelings for Junmyeon is with the simple phrase, "it's complicated." Jongdae has been nursing a crush for years and he still doesn't understand how he ended up liking Junmyeon in the first place. Even though Jongdae criticizes everything Junmyeon does, he can't stop gushing over him either.
When they're on the way to the bar, Jongdae says things like: "Who even thinks that paisley is still an acceptable pattern for ties? I bet he even has hearts on his boxers."
But when they're riding the train home and Jongdae has a few drinks in his system he says things like: "Goddamnit, how does he make even paisley look good?" And Jongin pretends to nod sympathetically while checking his phone.
Brow furrowing slightly, Jongdae licks his lips. What comes next will probably be a thinly veiled lament about his attraction to Junmyeon, and Jongin doesn't want to get stuck in a twenty-minute conversation about argyle socks.
So Jongin speaks first. "Is Minseok here yet?"
Caught by the sudden subject change, Jongdae blinks. "He's not here yet but he will be." His smile quirks slightly as if he remembered something amusing. "There's no way he wouldn't show up."
"Because he's overseeing the shoot?" Jongin clicks his camera into the tripod, bending over to look through it. He focuses it on the lights in the background to check the lens and Jongdae goes out of focus.
Jongdae hums, "Well that too." There's a hint of something else in his voice; some kind of secret joke and Jongin finds himself frowning. He twists the lens the other way and Jongdae's face becomes clear, then blurry again.
"What do you mean by-?"
But before Jongin can ask what that means, Jongdae has turned back to the set, nettling one of the helpers about a missing drop cloth.
--
There are a lot of small cafes near Omotesando. The area immediately around the station is filled with brand stores and it's a prime area to overcharge customers in the name of prestige. Yet even though most of the ones around the station are overpriced, but as you walk further the prices drop a bit, and after a 2 km radius the coffee drops under 600 yen.
It's in one of those shops - one of the shops just short of being fashionable - which Minseok asks to meet up with Jongin to talk about possible future projects.
Jongin was surprised when Minseok contacted him, but he wasn't at all opposed to doing more colloborations. The last project went well, and Minseok is easy to work with. He likes talking to Minseok. Minseok makes him feel calm. Minseok is interesting.
"Sorry to keep you waiting."
He's barely a minute late, but Jongin doesn't bother to argue, smiling as he moves aside his bag to let Minseok sit next to him. "It's fine. I just got here."
The table is small and round. It's tall and Minseok's legs dangle from the stool, his loafers bumping into the stainless steel post.
"Have you been here before?"
"Hmm?" Jongin looks up. The interior of the café is all wood and the walls are a patchwork of browns behind him. "No, I haven't. Is this your first time here?"
"Yeah, one of the models recommended it to me." Minseok smiles and the corner of his mouth quirks up. "I heard that the coffee here is good." He pulls out a few magazines and spreads them on the table. Then he calls over a waiter, waiting until after their drinks are ordered before he gets to what he wants to say. "I'm sorry to ruin our conversation with talk of work, but there's a job I'd like to hire you for. A men's formalwear company wants to emphasize how natural their products are and I immediately thought you'd be perfect for it. I was thinking of photographing the models in a park. Maybe Rinshinomori Park so we could get lots of trees in the picture…" Realizing that he's been rambling he trails off and looks at Jongin uncertainly. "But what do you think?"
"I think I want to work with you again."
Minseok grins and the tenseness in his shoulders smoothes out. "If that's the case then we need to start planning." He leans forward, pointing to locations or photography styles he's interested in. Jongin gives him feedback about different ideas and slowly they shape a project proposal.
--
The next time Jongin sees Minseok he's surrounded by greens. The light is filtering through a canopy of trees and Baekhyun is complaining about a lost contact lens.
They've been communicating via e-mail, but their busy schedules left little time to meet up in person. The drafts were sent by fax and the announcement that gave them the okay to continue was sent by text message. It feels a little weird to be able to see Minseok in person again. Like breathing after holding his breath for a long time. Jongin walks over to him, watching as Minseok stares up at the trees.
"You seem to be lost in thought."
Minseok looks a bit embarrassed to be caught, but he smiles, turning to Jongin. "It's been awhile." He looks the same as Jongin remembers, a slight arch in his eyebrows and quietness in his movements.
Jongin looks back up at the boughs above them. "What were you thinking about?"
Laughing, Minseok shrugs. "I was just thinking about tree rings. I read that if a tree ring is thick then it means that year was rich with nutrients and a thinner ring means that there weren't as many. The tree takes a memory of the past year through its growth. People may record the past through photographs, but trees record it in their very skin..." Trailing off, he hums softly, looking back up at Jongin. "Sorry, it was just a thought."
"What if time is in our skin?" Jongin mumbles, he rubs his thumb over the back of his hand, thinking about the accumulation of time that's been gathering inside of him.
Minseok smiles, looking pleased that Jongin's seriously considering what he said. "But our cells are constantly being replaced. We can't hold onto time like trees do. Tattoos are probably the closest we can get to that."
Jongin slips his hands into his pockets. "How do you hold onto time?"
Surprised at his question, Minseok's eyes widen. He chuckles as he thinks about his answer, smiling enigmatically. "By building bonds with people."
--
That night Jongin dreams that he's a scientist studying tree rings. He examines the cross section of a trunk that represents his life and all the rings are thick except for the most recent one. Frowning, he writes down the measurements and shows his colleague.
Minseok looks at the chart and smiles. His almond eyes are almost cat-like in the unnatural lighting of the laboratory.
"How do you hold onto time, Jongin?"
--
The next day, Jongin coops himself up in the studio and edits the shots they took the previous day. As much as he loves the art side of being a photographer, the technology is baffling to him at times and he ends up sending Kyungsoo a lot of texts asking where to find the controls for changing levels or adding a new layer.
Eventually Kyungsoo gets fed up of texting Jongin links to Yahoo answer pages and Skypes with him instead, using the share screen function to help Jongin find what he needs and typing up an assignment about computer performance analysis in between answering questions about tool placement.
"It's useful to have a friend in computer science," Jongin murmurs as he changes the contrast and Kyungsoo stops typing to stare at him, leaning closer to the screen.
"Jongin, using Photoshop is easy. All you have to do is pay attention to the tutorial and search google. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm studying comp sci."
Cheeks reddening slightly, Jongin shrugs. Biting his lip, he ignores the comment in favor of cropping the image. The studio is quiet and the only noise is the sound of Kyungsoo typing on the other end of the conversation.
But then a voice breaks the silence.
"Hello?"
Jongin jolts forward at the sudden noise looking back over his shoulder in surprise. Minseok is standing there, holding his briefcase in one hand and a paper bag in the other.
"Minseok?"
"Sorry for surprising you. Jongdae said you were still at the office so I thought I would come by to check. " He holds up the paper bag. "I brought some dinner too, since Jongdae said you probably hadn't eaten yet. You're working on the photos from yesterday, right?"
"Uh, yeah…" Jongin exits the Skype conversation with Kyungsoo, muttering "Sorry, Soo but I gotta go," as he presses the end call button, ignoring the curious look on the other's face as he cranes his head in an attempt to see who Jongin is talking to.
"Oh, were you talking to someone?" Minseok looks ashamed for interrupting and Jongin quickly reassures him.
"Just a friend, it's fine. Let me show you what I have so far."
He opens up Photoshop and the Minseok puts the bag on the table so he can look at the photos more clearly.
--
It's late by the time that they finish editing the photos, especially with the breaks that they take for eating and talking. The food that Minseok had brought him was just a simple bowl of jajangmyun, but Jongin was hungry enough that even something that cheap tasted delicious and he ate it up quickly, mumbling answers to Minseok's questions about the photographs.
The last train to Minseok's apartment has already left the station by the time they get there and Jongin insists he stay over at his apartment for the night. It takes some convincing, but Minseok finally agrees. There aren't many sober people that take the last train home and Jongin is secretly grateful for the company.
True to his expectations, it isn't long before a red-faced salary man leans on his shoulder and Jongin gently pushes him aside, the lanyard around the man's neck swinging as he stumbles back a step and holds onto a pole.
Sighing, he turns to Minseok. "Moved to Tokyo recently?"
Minseok makes a small sound of disagreement and shakes his head. "A few years ago?" He smiles slightly, sending a text and tucking his phone back into his pocket. "It's already been almost three years. He laughs, reaching up to hold onto a handle. He moves with the strap, swaying with the movement of the train. "What about you?"
"I've been here about eight months now." It feels weird to say it aloud. The time he's spent living here feels far longer and it feels strange to sum up the days of restlessness and homesickness with a single number.
"Why did you decide to move here?"
It's a simple question that he gets asked constantly, but he doesn't want to give Minseok the same auto response that he gives everyone.
"Usually I say it's because I wanted adventure or to experience something new, but to be honest I'm not sure." Jongin meets Minseok's gaze and he can tell by the way that Minseok's head is bobbing along to his words that he actually cares about his response. "I guess the short answer is that Jongdae said he could get me a job and I didn't have any options in Korea so I thought, why not."
"And the long answer?"
Jongin laughs in surprise, reaching up to hold onto the strap of the train with both of his hands. "The long answer requires a more detailed description about how my loving family and three sisters were suffocating me and babying me and I needed to move out on my own. That and my insecurities about being able to find a job and Jongdae offering me an easy out."
Minseok tilts his head, smiling. "Moving to a foreign country isn't really an easy out."
Leaning his forehead against the handle, Jongin sighs, "Yeah I'm kind of finding that out now."
"Do you like living in Tokyo?"
And Jongin thinks about his months of living alone and eating pizza delivery. Then he thinks about the friends he's made and the people he's met. He gives Minseok a shy smile.
"Sometimes."
--
To Junmyeon, moving into a new apartment is an excuse to throw a housewarming party. And to Jongdae, a party at Junmyeon's house is an excuse to get them both drunk and keep Junmyeon's attention on him by asking golfing questions.
"So if you were one swing away from par and there was a sand trap between you and the hole, which golf club would you use?"
"Hmm…that's complicated."
Jongdae grins. The harder the question is, the longer time it will take to answer. Junmyeon is usually too concentrated on being a good host to sit still for long but Jongdae's already managed to keep Junmyeon in one place for nearly an hour. "Really? Why's that?"
Nearby, Jongin rolls his eyes at Jongdae's childish behavior. Nursing a cup of wine, he leaves the balcony and continues wandering through the different rooms of Junmyeon's apartment. It's surprisingly big for a Tokyo apartment, with four different rooms all separated from each other. The inside is newly renovated and some of the furniture still smells new.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol are spread out across Junmyeon's expensive couch playing Super Smash Bros while Kyungsoo stands behind them, criticizing their choice of attack.
"Aren't either of you going to get the hammer? Wow, you guys suck at this game. Chanyeol, don't use B-Up there! You're going to hit the-"
Chanyeol shrieks with laughter as his character hits the bottom of the platform and falls to its death, giving Baekhyun a one-point advantage.There are remnants of snacks in bowls on the floor and crumbs spilled over the carpet. That's not going to be fun to clean up.
Jongin slips into the bedroom, his face brightening when he finally finds Minseok. Sehun is leaning on his shoulder, his normally white skin flushed with alcohol and his hands curled into Minseok's shirt.
"It seems you found a quieter room to hide out in."
Minseok laughs softly and Sehun peers up at Jongin blurrily.
"You're that photographer," he mumbles as he looks Jongin over. Minseok rubs Sehun's back and he curls up more, his head slipping down onto Minseok's lap as his eyes close. "Don't photograph me now. It's not work time now, Minnie." His words become muffled as he presses his face into Minseok's leg.
"I didn't know you and Sehun were close." Jongin shoots Minseok a slightly inquiring look as he takes a spot on the bed next to him.
"Ah yeah, we've known each other since college." Minseok ruffles Sehun's hair and the younger stirs briefly before he falls back asleep, his fingers curling around Minseok's thigh. "He was my underclassman at the photography club."
"You do photography?"
Minseok blushes faintly. "A little. Nothing like your photos, though."
Jongin can feel his face becoming hot at the compliment and he holds his glass up to block the blush spreading across his face. "Was Sehun this clingy when you were in college?"
They look down at the boy sleeping in Minseok's lap and as if Sehun knows that they're talking about him, his nose scrunches. Minseok smiles, chuckling. "You have no idea."
Minseok seems a bit too sober for someone who's at a party with alcohol and Jongin confronts him teasingly. "So are you the designated driver or something? I don't see you holding a drink." He nudges at Minseok's shoulder gently.
Chuckling, Minseok bumps him back playfully. "Of course not. I just put my glass of wine on the dresser because I was afraid that I was going to spill it. I heard it's hard to get wine stains out and I'm pretty sure these blankets are expensive since they feel nice."
Jongin rubs his hand over the bed and he's surprised at how smooth they are under his hands. "Junmyeon always had a taste for the finer things"
"Hmm," Minseok agrees. "Except when it comes to Jongdae." He adds with a mischievous smile. Then he looks at Jongin sheepishly. "Jongin could you get my wine for me? I'd do it myself but…" He gestures down to Sehun helplessly and Jongin chuckles.
"Of course." Jongin takes a few steps towards the dresser and grabs the glass with his free hand, returning to the bed and passing it to Minseok.
Remembering their earlier conversation about tree rings and time, he ignores Minseok's silent invitationt to sit, asking instead:
"Do you like wine?"
Minseok tilts his head, confused at the sudden question. "I guess."
Jongin swirls his cup gently and the red liquid ripples with the movement. He pauses for a moment, looking at the small whirlpool he created. "It's interesting how wine needs time to gain flavor and value. It's like an alcoholic time capsule. It's sealed in the past and left for years until someone finally opens it again to drink it"
Minseok holds his glass up and looks at the liquid in his glass, a red shadow cast over his face. "The flavor might be created in the past but you can still change it in the present by adding air to it. That's why people decant wine and buy aerators. The flavor of the past is still influenced by the present, don't you think?" Minseok presses the glass to his lips and laughs against it. "Maybe the past can't be changed, but the present tints it."
Jongin nods, wondering how this conversation will tint his life and Sehun sighs, shifting in Minseok's lap.
--
It's a month into their friendship that Jongin starts seeing Minseok differently.
They're talking in a coffee shop about the importance of aperture on the mood of a picture and how digital cameras have changed photography. And it's an inconvenient time to realize it because he's never been very good at keeping expressions off his face and he's sure that Minseok will notice the change. But even so he can't keep from looking at Minseok and his eyes linger on the soft curves of his face and he loves they way that his eyes crinkle when he laughs. It's been a long time since he's found someone he's wanted to photograph so badly.
Even though Minseok doesn't like to talk a lot, his face is far more expressive than his words.
And sometimes he just looks at things and sees something that Jongin could never see. His gaze gets a bit lost and Jongin asks him what he's thinking about. Minseok's an enigma wrapped in a calm air of melancholy and it's just the sort of personality that Jongin finds himself drawn to.
He's not going to be cliché and say that it's like seeing things in color. Rather, the minutes seem fuller with Minseok around and for once he's losing track of time.
--
"I've been spending a lot of time with the coordinator from that photo shoot recently." Jongin announces to Jongdae over a drink.
The bar feels musty today and he's just drunk enough to make the corners of his vision blur and his face hot.
"Which photo shoot?"
"You know, the subway one. The one you scolded me for not knowing. He was at Junmyeon's party too."
Jongdae scrunches his nose as he tries to recall, his eyes widening as he remembers. "Oh, Minseok?" His eyes narrow and he taps his fingers against his beer glass. "Wait, that's who you've been mooning over this whole time?"
"I have not been mooning!"
"Well, I should hope not, because he has a boyfriend."
There's no way Jongin heard correctly.
"What?"
"Don't you remember asking why Sehun was nervous?" Jongdae's brows furrow, like he had assumed that Jongin already knew. "He and Minseok have been dating since they were in college."
"Huh?" Jongin thinks back to the stiff way Sehun smoothed his collar, the nervous way his hands fluttered. That was for Minseok? "He's dating Sehun?"
"Why do you sound so surprised? Who did you think he was coming to see all this time?" Jongdae raises an eyebrow, lifting his glass. "They've been together for four years already."
He watches Jongdae finish his beer and numbly orders the next round, picturing Minseok at Sehun's side as he digs into his pockets for some bills.
--
Four years. One year is 525,949 minutes and eight years is 2,103,798 minutes. It's much longer than the measly few months that he's known Minseok.
Can time measure how well you know a person?
He leans his head forward onto his knees, letting the bathwater surround him. If time can measure feelings, then Sehun was winning for sure. All the minutes that he and Minseok had were stacked much higher than Jongin's.
It's strange how clearly things are in hindsight. Now that Jongin knows that Minseok and Sehun are dating the signs are clear. How Minseok would show up to all the shoots that Sehun modeled in. The friendly way they talked between the breaks. He replays the moments in his mind, wondering if the texts Minseok got were from Sehun.
The bathwater is growing cold on his skin and he looks at his fingers. The skin of his fingertips is puckered from sitting in the water for so long. He stands and drains the tub.
--
"I got your text." Minseok holds up his phone before tucking it back into his blazer. "It's rare that you call me out for lunch. Do you want to eat around here or should we-"
"I didn't realize that you and Sehun were dating." His light tone sounds forced to his own ears but Minseok is either too polite or too dense to notice.
"Yeah, I'm the reason he moved to Tokyo in the first place, actually." Minseok sinks onto a nearby bench and Jongin settles next to him. It's shady underneath the cover of trees, but the leaves can't keep back the humidity. Jongin presses a handkerchief to his face and it comes back wet.
"Why did you move here?" He can't tell if asking more about their relationship is to feed some strange masochistic craving inside of himself or if it's to help him get over his feelings.
Completely oblivious to the internal battle waging inside of Jongin's head, Minseok shrugs. "I got a job with an advertising firm here after college, so I thought why not? Sehun wasn't done school yet but I convinced him to come with me anyway. Promised him that I could get him some modeling work."
"And you did." There's a small hole next to the side seam of his jeans and he picks at it.
Minseok nods. "Not like it was hard. He's got the right bones to model. But-"
"Hm?" Jongin prompts him to continue.
"I think he wonders if he'd be in a different line of work if he'd finished school." He chuckles, looking over at Jongin. "To be honest, Sehun is somewhat of a marine nut. Crazy about penguins and fish. If he'd finished university he'd probably be working at an aquarium or in a pet shop."
Despite his best intentions he can't look away after Minseok's made eye contact and he keeps staring back, biting his lip. "But he likes modeling, right?"
Minseok hums, disagreeing without actually saying it outright. Jongin knows him well enough by now to read between the lines and he can't keep himself from asking:
"What is it?"
It's just-" He looks aimlessly around the park before turning back to meet Jongin's eyes, his brows furrowing slightly. "He's been restless recently. I think he wants to go back to school."
"Is that a problem?"
"No, but it means that he'll want to move back to Seoul."
"Will you go with him?" His hands clench and he puts them in his lap, afraid of what the answer will be.
Minseok shrugs, leaning back onto the bench and watching cars stop at the intersection nearby. "I guess so."
--
Later on the set, Jongin catches a glance of Minseok watching Sehun model.
There's pride in the way that he looks at the younger man, and Jongin tightens his hand around the camera, closing his eyes to ground himself before he takes the next photograph.
And Jongin wonders why he never noticed before and why Minseok never told him.
--
Now that he sees the relationship between Minseok and Sehun he can't stop looking. He has a bizarre urge to learn more about it, despite the queasiness he feels as he uncovers more information and Baekhyun's comments wondering if they're going through a rough patch only make Jongin feel guiltier.
Like Minseok said, they met in photography club. Sehun was a freshman and Minseok was a senior when they met and Sehun used to follow him everywhere. Somewhere along the line, the indulgence of an underclassman became something more than that and a few months later Sehun practically lived in Minseok's apartment. When Minseok got a job in Japan, most people thought they would break up. But instead of breaking up, Minseok asked Sehun to move with him.
Now they live in an apartment together near Kichijoji and although they both have to commute into the city, Minseok leaves early in the morning and Sehun's hours are more flexible. To make up for the little time they get to spend together at home, Minseok drops by Sehun's shoots and he often uses Sehun in his projects so they can see each other during the day.
But recently there's a slight bite in Sehun's voice when he asks if Minseok is coming to the shoot today, and Minseok rarely drops by the studio, trading in his visits for extra time at the office.
(And Jongin wonders if that's why Minseok never said anything.)
--
There are times that Jongin catches Minseok staring at him with a strange look on his face. He'd like it say it's wistful, but he's not sure if he should get his hopes up that high.
"Are you okay?" Jongin asks, reaching out to brush his fingers against Minseok's. They're almost back at the studio and the light is about to change color so he looks between the light and Minseok's face, biting his lip.
Minseok's hands are cold against Jongin's warmer skin and Jongin gently squeezes Minseok's fingers in his own, trying to give him some of his warmth. Usually late summers are hot, but Tokyo seems to have hit a cold spell recently.
"Is something wrong?" Jongin asks, he looks at Minseok with worry in his creased brows.
Minseok just smiles. He shakes his head and mumbles that it's nothing.
But he keeps holding Jongin's hand until they reach the studio, waiting until they're right outside the studio before he pulls his hand away, squeezing Jongin's hand before he lets go.
--
"You've been spending a lot of time with Minseok lately." Even though it's a statement there's a question in Jongdae's eyes. He knows Jongin well enough that he dosn't need to say anything directly. Instead he's going to ask around everything and pick him apart without even touching the heart of it.
"Yeah…" Jongin fidgets uncomfortably.
"You know he's in a relationship."
It's not like he could forget.
--
But if time builds feelings, then time is also needed to destroy them. For every minute that he spent falling in love with Minseok he needs hours to undo it. It's a slow process of trying to remember why the conversations they had weren't evidence of how well they suit each other.
He hasn't had nearly enough time to pull everything apart when Minseok shows up at his apartment on a weeknight. Normally Minseok wouldn't show up without calling. He's not the type of person who feels comfortable imposing on other people even if they're friends.
So the next words are entirely unexpected.
"Can I stay over tonight?"
Jongin has to try hard to keep his heart from leaping through his mouth. "What's wrong?"
Minseok seems wearier than usual. His hair is messy and one tail of his shirt is hanging untucked. The bag slung over his shoulder is bulging and one of the snaps is undone.
"Bad day at home?"
Although there aren't any tears in sight, the other's eyes are rimmed in red.
"Something like that." Minseok's words are short. "We had a fight."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really. It was all the same old things: you're never home, I hate my job, what happened to us." His mouth creases into a thin line as he sinks back into the memories of the fight and Jongin knows enough not to pry.
He lets Minseok into the house and they start to set up the spare bed together. Silently, they pull a sheet over the futon and stuff a pillow into a pillowcase. They change into their pajamas and brush their teeth. Their movements are slow and dreamlike and there's something waiting to happen in the silence.
He's already in bed when Minseok comes back from the bathroom. He watches him pause in the doorway and Jongin flips up the blanket of his bed in a silent invitation.
And Minseok takes it.
He never really realizes how much taller he is until he's lying in bed with his arms surrounding the other. Cradled in his arms, Minseok doesn't seem older or wiser or more professional. The gentle compressions of Minseok's breaths push in and out against Jongin's arms and the tip of his nose brushes against his collarbones.
Jongin's holding an armful of what he's been waiting for, and the temptation of having what he wants within his grasp is nearly too much to bear. He can smell his own shampoo in Minseok's hair and he sighs, closing his eyes and concentrating on the smells and the warmth.
He feels Minseok speak before he hears it; the words hot on his chest.
"You know what the worst part was?"
Fortunately Jongin is smart enough to recognize a rhetorical question when he hears one and instead of speaking he holds Minseok a bit tighter, his fingers digging gently into the dip of his waist.
"The worst part was when he said that he loved me and I actually had to think about it. I actually had to think about whether or not I love him back." Minseok laughs softly, his hands tightening in Jongin's shirt and stretching the soft cotton. "How can you be in a relationship when you aren't even sure if you love the other?"
He's not sure if Minseok is waiting for a response, but he speaks anyway.
"I don't know."
They fall silent and Jongin has to strain to hear the next words, Minseok's hair brushing against his chin as the older presses his face into Jongin's chest. His voice is muffled, against the fabric of Jongin's shirt.
"Things are so much easier with you."
It's the kind of statement that Jongin doesn't know how to interpret. He's not sure if he should be thinking the things that he is. But he can't stop himself.
--
When Jongin wakes up, his arm is still curled around Minseok's waist and his bed is warm from their combined heat. They stay like that for a while and Jongin can tell from the change in Minseok's breathing that he's already woken up.
All of their movements are lazy and Jongin's hands keep reaching for Minseok's waist. Hugging him as they wander around the morning routines of brushing teeth and foraging for breakfast.
Minseok's at the door before he finds his words.
"Wait."
Minseok pauses in the doorway and Jongin grabs a hold of his wrist, feeling the thin bones of his arm through the skin. His wrist is skinny and the skin is smooth and white. He stares for a moment before catching onto his thoughts. It's not what he should be saying, especially to someone he knows has a boyfriend, and yet, Jongin still can't help the words from spilling out.
"What if I said that I don't want you to go?"
He counts three breaths before he has the courage to look up into Minseok's face.
Although he was expecting to see some anger, there's none. The older man's face is curiously blank, the same tiredness lying under his skin.
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm trying to say that I don't think he's good for you."
"And you would know this how?"
"Do you really want me to admit it?" Jongin sighs, pulling Minseok closer before he drops the other's wrist completely. The last tether between them is gone and if Minseok wants he could walk out the door. "At first I thought it was just friendship but somehow-" his lips quirk, a sad smile tugging his lips into shape. "Somehow the things you did were fascinating to me. I kept wanting to see how you thought about things, how you would react to things. And before I knew it I wanted to know what you thought about me. If you ever thought about me-" He pauses, braving a glance at the other's face. "Have you?"
Minseok looks lost. He stares at Jongin, his eyes blinking as he tries to catch up with everything he just said. And when he finally does understand there are tears clinging to his eyelashes and a small smile curving his lips. "Are you trying to say that you love me?"
The smile gives Jongin confidence and he links his fingers with the other, kissing the back of his knuckles and feeling each of the small bumps of bones under his lips as he drags them over Minseok's skin.
"Yes."
Minseok doesn't say anything, just lets his eyes close as Jongin kisses his knuckles and then the inside of his wrist, leaving kisses from his hand to the crook of his elbows.
"I have. I've thought about you."
And it's enough for Jongin to close the remaining distance and kiss him, his hands coming up to cup his cheeks as his tongue slowly slips between his parted lips, searching for the words he can't say in the depths of the other's mouth.
--
On the way home from work the next day, Jongin buys another bowl and a set of utensils. He picks out ingredients while consulting a recipe he found on his phone while he was riding the train.
He holds the plastic bag of everything he bought as he walks to his apartment. He doesn't feel like waiting for the bus to come, foregoing the bus ride for the brisk walk to his apartment from the station.
As soon as Jongin gets home, he starts the rice in the rice cooker and when Minseok arrives he's halfway done pan-frying the beef and vegetables. Minseok calls out, "I'm home," and Jongin smiles, thinking that he could get used to this.
--
They say that time moves linearly, but sometimes the memories you want to save pile up on top of each other and the line is thicker than normal. To Jongin these days are a patchwork of memories he's creating with Minseok and he doesn't want to miss any of it.
One extra day becomes two and then three. They fall into a routine of making dinner together and then sitting on Jongin's bed and watching movies. Minseok sits with his back against Jongin's chest and their fingers find each other's; lacing together and tracing circles onto their skin. Sometimes they fall asleep halfway through the movie and other times they manage to last through the whole film. Sometimes their fingers wander underneath clothes and sometimes they stroke over skin. Sometimes they kiss and sometimes they don't move even after the film is finished; whispering against lips and teeth and just enjoying the silence.
(Sometimes Minseok's cell phone beeps and he checks the caller before ignoring it and Jongin hugs him from behind, gently pulling him back to bed.)
--
Jongin likes having Minseok at less than an arm's length away. He can see him more clearly and it's easy to stroke the bangs away from his forehead and kiss his cheeks.
"Do you like living in Tokyo?" Jongin murmurs as he gently pulls Minseok into his arms, letting his fingers gently rub up and down the other's spine.
Minseok's brow creases at the question and Jongin chuckles, kissing the space between his eyebrows. But even after they kiss his face remains troubled. "Well, Sehun doesn't particularly-"
Frowning slightly, Jongin tugs on Minseok's cheeks teasingly. "I wasn't asking about Sehun. I want to know if you like living here."
"Me?" Minseok blinks and Jongin bites back a smile.
"You." Reaching the top of Minseok's spine, his fingers begin to drag lightly over Minseok's nape. And while Minseok thinks, Jongin's fingers continue to explore, getting distracted by the question of whether Minseok is ticklish or not.
"Yes." He shies away from Jongin's fingers with a chuckle, trying to avoid being tickled. "Yes, I like it."
--
Minseok is half naked when Jongin brings out his camera and asks to photograph him. Eyeing the camera nervously, he pulls the blanket over him.
"You want to photograph me? Why?"
Minseok's eyes are wide and the comforter nearly swallows him, tufts of brown hair sticking up between the folds of fabric. Holding the camera in one hand, Jongin peels back the covers enough for him to see Minseok's face entirely. Smiling he places a kiss on the other's nose.
"Because I want to memorize you. I want you to be part of my tree ring."
"You remember that?" Minseok blushes at the allusion but he doesn't fight as Jongin tugs away more layers of blanket. Late morning light is spilling through the gap between the curtains and he reaches up to pull them further apart, sunlight making Minseok's hair even browner. There's a golden tint to the air at this time of day and the light makes Minseok's skin glow.
Minseok gives Jongin a stiff smile as he raises the camera and takes a photo and when Jongin checks to see how the photo came out he bursts into laughter, showing Minseok how awkward he looks.
His hand cups Minseok's jaw and his thumb traces the firm set of his lips. Minseok's mouth parts underneath Jongin's touch and his eyes are wide and searching.
"Relax, Seok. It's just me."
It's amazing to watch the tenseness in his body melt away and then muscles in his body relax. Minseok smiles and Jongin takes a picture of the crooked grin, leaning in to memorize the shape of Minseok's mouth with his lips after he records it with his camera.
And after they pull apart Jongin pushes the camera into Minseok's hands and has him take a photo of Jongin too. He strikes a silly pose and Minseok laughs, capturing it on film.
--
It was inevitable that Sehun and Minseok would have to meet again. Minseok had spent his entire career trying to build Sehun into his working life and it wasn't going to be quite so easy to block him out.
But even if Jongin knew that it would happen, he still doesn't feel prepared when Minseok says, "I bumped into Sehun at work today."
"And?" He switches off the stove, letting the water settle as he opens the cabinets, searching for a strainer. He finds the strainer in the cabinet above stove and he leans up on his tiptoes to grab it, turning back to Minseok with it in his hands.
Minseok is still in his work clothes. His tie is crumpled and the first few buttons of his shirt are undone. Gently he puts his briefcase on a chair at the kitchen table and he begins to unbutton his sleeves.
Walking towards Jongin, he wordlessly begins to get out bowls and forks. He sets the utensils down, tilting them to make sure they're straight. "He didn't look like he'd be sleeping well. He was pale."
Jongin snorts softly under his breath, setting the strainer in the sink before draining the pasta. "He's always been pale."
The bottom of the bowl hits the table with a soft clink. "Jongin, I need to talk to Sehun. We've been together for four years. I can't end it without saying anything."
Jongin's mouth is dry. He pours the rest of the water down the sink, watching the cloudy liquid drain down the sink.
"All right. If you think you need to."
Minseok pulls his tie free and hangs it over the back of the chair. He joins Jongin at the sink, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I do."
--
The night that Minseok goes to Sehun's apartment after work is a night that Jongin can't sit still. He walks around, trying to find things to distract him. He tries doing some work. Then taking a shower. He restocks his bathroom with toilet paper, building a tower of rolls next to the toilet. He flips through the TV channels and tries to use the noise to drown out his thoughts. He sits on the bed, watching a Japanese show without understanding any of it. The images barely even register in his head and he can't help but picture Sehun and Minseok together. He's counting minutes and hours unconsciously only to fall asleep in the early hours of morning, still sitting on the bed.
--
Minseok doesn't come home until the next day. He's wearing one of Sehun's shirts; Jongin can tell because the sleeves are too long and the shoulders are too broad for Minseok's lithe frame.
"I thought you were going to come back last night." He complains softly. Smiling, he reaches up to hug the older but Minseok pulls away.
There's pity on Minseok's face and Jongin hates this. This isn't what he wants.
He's realizing that maybe he doesn't know Minseok as well as he thought and the sinking feeling in his stomach is the same feeling he gets when he realizes that he's been taking photographs on a camera empty of film. What has he been doing all of this time?
Minseok's eyes close and he takes in a deep breath before they open again. His eyes lock with Jongin's and he's remembering how fragile Minseok had looked when he photographed him.
"Sehun and I are getting back together."
Minseok could have been saying a million different things. And in Jongin's haze he imagines several different alternative endings. In his mind Minseok backs him up against the refrigerator and kisses him senseless. The hips that were so easy to grip are right in front of him, even if the soft dips of them are hidden under an oversized sweater. He can almost taste Minseok's tongue against his. He can almost hear the little whimper he'd make as he pushes closer into Jongin's arms and-
"Jongin, are you okay?"
Minseok must have realized what a stupid question that is to ask, so he rephrases it. "I mean. Will you be okay?"
Will he be okay? Jongin has no idea. He's never been in love before and he doesn't know how it feels to fall out of love. He feels numb and his responses are becoming automatic as he tries to get through this. "Yeah, I'll be fine."
Minseok looks down. His lashes are long and Jongin wants to cup his face in his hands and kiss him. "I'm sorry, Jongin. I was really happy these past few days. I liked being with you." He reaches out to grab Jongin's arm and Jongin looks down at the fingers curling around his forearm dumbly. "But Sehun needs me."
I need you, he wants to say.
"Okay," is what he does say.
He watches from the kitchen as Minseok gathers his things together. He didn't come with much and there isn't much for him to pack. All too soon he's kissing Jongin's cheek and mumbling goodbye into the tepid air surrounding them.
And this time when the door closes shut there's a tone of finality that has Jongin pushing off of the counter and slipping on his shoes as he rushes outside.
It's early enough in the morning for there to be a slight nip in the air and the hairs on Jongin's neck prickle.
"Wait, Minseok." The shoes that he shoved on are hanging off of his feet and the door swings shut behind him.
Minseok laughs humorlessly, "When did our lives turn into a dumb Korean soap opera?" He turns slightly but he doesn't stop walking.
Shoes slapping against the concrete, Jongin runs ahead of the older, stopping him with hands to his shoulders, "I don't know, but I don't care if it means that I get to be with you."
And finally Minseok meets his gaze straight on and this time Jongin can tell that he's serious and that he really plans on leaving him. He licks his lips and sighs softly. "This isn't television. It's not like a few pretty words are going to change everything."
"I know." Jongin tries to smile but it breaks into a pleading look. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, Jongin. You didn't do anything wrong." His hands go up to cradle Jongin's face and his gaze softens fondly. "You were perfect. Everything you did made my heart sway. You helped me and you supported me. But I'm too used to supporting Sehun to walk away from him when he needs me." Minseok smiles and this time it's apologetic. He tilts up on his tiptoes and presses his lips gently to the younger's. "I'm sorry, Jongin."
He pulls himself free and walks out of Jongin's life wearing a shirt belonging to someone else.
--
"Jongin? It's nice to meet you. My name is Yixing and I'll be taking over for Minseok." The man holds out a hand and Jongin shakes it, smiling in response.
"Where's Minseok?"
"He quit. I guess he's moving back to Seoul." Yixing's face sets into a determined expression. "I'm not as experienced as Minseok was. But I'll do my best to fill his place!"
Jongin smiles. "I think we'll work together just fine."
--
What is eternity? Is it the weight of time? Is it the burden of years between two people, pulling them together and linking them?
Jongin still doesn't know. But every once in a while he'll find the photographs he took of Minseok and he'll think that eternity must be a moment suspended in time that remains untouched in your memory.
A/N: Thank you to Ren for betaing, even though I think I made you cry ;o;