And you thought 2nd edition had stupid monsters
For my glorious return to LJ, I've decided to introduce a few of the hilariously stupid items I found in Encyclopedia Magica: Volume 1. For those of you that don't know; this is a 2nd edition AD&D book filled with various magic items, they are listed in alphabetical order by type (ex. arrows, belts, swords, etc.) Here are some of the gems I have found.
Amulet of Caterpillar Control Costs 25 gold. Allows you to control the actions of 4-24(4d6) garden caterpillars. All I can do is protect your garden.
Arabel's Huggable Bear Costs 30,000 gold. This huggable, lovable stuffed magical bear is made of white ermine. It sports an onyx nose, sapphire eyes, and is stuffed with owlbear down. During the slumber hours, this small bear radiates a sphere of protection in a radius of 3 yards. The sphere keeps invading forces from entering the mind of any sleeping person. ESP and mind-affecting spells, including psionics, do not work on any subjects sleeping withing the bear's domain. The stuffed animal also prevents those in its area of effect from suffering bad dreams. Because of the restful nature of sleep white slumbering near the bear, hit points are restored at twice the normal rate. Does Tordek want his teddy bear?
Base Ball Costs 9,000 gold. When set upon the ground as the command word is spoken, this ball attunes itself to that "base." After that, if the creature carrying the ball speaks a second command word, the ball teleports itself, the user, and all carried equipment to teh base location. No other creature can be carried or otherwise transported in this way... The base ball functions once a week - at most. SAFE!
Bowling Ball Costs 9,000 gold. This is a +3 weapon that can knock over any opponent weighting 500 pounds or less that it hits. On a natural roll of 19 (mystically known as a "split"), up to two other similar opponents behind the one struck are also bowled over. On a natural 20, up to four similar opponents are similarly affected if the jock yells out the magic word "Strike!" when releasing the ball. Nobody misses the five orc.
Cue Ball Costs 6,000 gold. This ball looks exactly like a crystal ball, but no images appear in it, and it may look useless. If carried, however, it can offer advice. Whenever the user is in doubt as to a decision of any kind, the cue ball speaks in a language known to the user, offering its opinion as to the best course of action. The cue ball always has an opinion if asked for advice, though its opinion is entirely random if a random choice is the only one possible... The cue ball can offer only three opinions per day. Should've called it the Magic 8 Ball.
Foot Ball Costs 4,000 gold. When this item is placed on a surface and the command word is uttered, it follows its owner, rolling along the surface. When it is picked up, it automatically displays the exact distance it has traveled (measured in yards, contrary to its name) since the command. A second command causes it to reset, starting again at zero. The foot ball can measure a total of 20,000 yards per day, and can displace distances accurate to withing one-tenth of a yard. I was hoping for a ball that disappears when someone tries to kick it.
Carnivorous Balloon Costs 200 gold. This balloon floats toward any living creature that approaches within 10 feet. It magically moves at double the movement rate of its victim, but cannot pass through solids. When close enough, it attacks, automatically hitting its victim an inflicting 2d6 points of damage caused by blood draining. It inflicts 1d6 points of damage each subsequent round. Furthermore, it doe snot let go until either it bursts or the victim is dead. Beware of balloons.
Word Balloon Costs 600 gold. When held, this balloon causes the user to lose his voice. However, anything the user says appears as floating letters and words, in proper order, inside the balloon. The words shrink as more are spoken, making room for an entire sentence of any length. Once a sentence is completed, the words immediately disappear. Thus silent communication is quite possible. The word balloon does not interfere with spell casting, but neither does it display the words uttered. It does, however, display command words spoken. The words in the balloon appear in the language (and alphabet) being spoken. They can be read from any direction and from anywhere the balloon can be seen. Did someone want to do a comic book setting?
Banner of Attraction Costs 4,000 gold. When seen by any creature of less than 5 Hit Dice, the banner apparently says, "Enter Here." All monster and NPCs affected have a 66% chance of wanting to investigate the area an may be surprised when entering any door within 30 feet of the banner (-2 to surprise roll). It should say: Enter Here for Free Candy!
Barrel of Poverty Costs 550 gold. When this item is examined, the victim looking inside is affected immediately and has no saving throw. All the victim's items, worn or carried, immediately disappear. Should straps then appear across the top of the barrel - the victim may wear the barrel (treat as AC 4(+6 to AC for 3.5 people) but with no dexterity adjustment), if desired, by removing its bottom. The victim's possessions are not destroyed, but merely sent to the victim's home. The barrel vanishes if struck by sunlight. To lighten your load.
Barrel of Rolling Costs 1,500 gold. This barrel is useful both for storage and cargo transport. Its top is easily closed and locks on command. When laid on its side and a second command is given, it rolls away from the user at the rate of 20 feet per round. It cannot be commanded to turn, but a third command stops it. It may be used as often as desired. Press Z or R twice.
Beholder Mouthpick Costs either 6,000 gold or 2,000 gold. I'm not even taking the time to describe it, just know it exists.
Blanket of Devouring Costs 1,200 gold. This plain gray blanket is 6 feet square. When it is used to wrap or cover any living creature, dozens of tiny mouths appear inside the blanket and bite the victim for 10 points of damage per round. Once the mouths appear, a remove curse is needed to remove the blanket. Once removed, the blanket becomes nonmagical and powerless. I'd like to give one blanket to each kid in your orphanage.
Blashphor's Magical diapers and Crib of Pushing Diapers cost 400 gold each, cradle costs 8,000 gold, nursery costs 15,000 gold. Diaper: Size varies but averages 2-foot square. Up to 30 diapers can be made (from) 15-yards of enchanted cloth. A diaper of enchantment is secured to an infant with small leather straps. When the baby relieves himself, the waste products are instantly transmuted into a mixture of 95% oxygen and 5% powdered talcum. Crib: 4'X2'X3'; parrot perch reached 5 feet from ground. Weight of entire cradle: about 50 pounds. Provides up to 12 hours of complete care for a single infant (suggested age: 3-15 months). Milk bladder holds about one gallon. The parrot food tube holds one week's supply.
The crib of pushing is activated by the sound of crying form its occupant. It will continue to gently rock back and forth as long as the baby cries. If the baby is hungry, the tyke may suckle milk from the milk bladder suspended overhead. The crib is lined with cloth made from the same material as the diaper of enchantment and transmutes any milk that leaks from the bladder or dribbles from the baby's mouth.
At the base of the crib is a flowerpot of fresh mint, fertilized by the droppings of the parrot perched above. Colorful flowers grow from boxes on each side of the crib. The mint and the flowers keep the air smelling sweet and also add to an aesthetically pleasing environment.
The specially trained parrot keeps an eye the infant provides entertainment and speech lessons. A string runs form its feeder to the mobile; when the parrot pulls the string to fill its cup, the string tugs on the mobile to amuse the baby. The parrot's songs and chatter provide entertainment while its repetition of words and phrases helps the baby learn to talk.
Most importantly, the parrot has been trained to alert the parents in case of an emergency. If specified cures occur which indicate the baby may be in trouble, such as gasping for air or extended crying, the parrot flies like a homing pigeon to the parents or a specified neighbor and squawks out a warning. New for adventuring parents...
Tub of Sailing Costs 5,000 gold. This tub is identical to a tub of lard, but it cannot create anything. If placed in any liquid, it floats and can support up to 500 pounds of weight without sinking. If a creature sits in the tub and commands it to sail, it moves at a Movement Rate of 18. It is not affected by wind, but it is easily damaged (5 hull points, AC 9). Looking for a cheaper way to sail?
Horn Bonnet Costs 5,000 gold. This bonnet is made from a bison scalp with the horns attached. It is often decorated with feathers. Magical versions of the headdress give the warrior a Strength of 19 (+3 to hit, +7 to damage), but only for purposes of attacking and damage with weapons. The strength lasts for one turn and can be used only once per day. Like my new easter bonnet, it's made from bison horns!
War Bonnet Costs 5,000 gold. Worn only by noted warriors, a war bonnet consists of a feather headdress with two long trailers of feathers. Nonmagical bonnets are made of eagle feathers, while magical ones are made of the feathers from giant eagles. A war bonnet gives a Rover extremely sharp hearing and vision, the odds of surprise are only 1 in 10. #1: Shouldn't the names be the other way around? #2: New amazon easter bonnets for sale!
Graffiti Bottle Costs 2,500 gold. This ornate brass bottle has a lead stopper covered with special seals and sigils that are better left untranslated (Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck). If the stopper is removed, four air elementals armed with spray cans pop out and paint rude slogans and obscenities all over everything (and everyone) in the area. They cannot be ordered back into the bottle or restrained in any way except by a censer controlling air elementals. Philly'll put them to good work painting murals in the city, that'll straighten them out!
Broom of Sweeping Costs 600 gold. For obvious convenience, the broom of sweeping was developed. It can sweep a 10-foot-square area clean of loose dust and small items in a turn. The sweepings are left in a neat pile. TSR knows household convenience.
Bush of Lemmikainen Unique. This bush was left at home and would bleed noticeably if Lemmikainen where in trouble, thus warning his mother. At which point, his mother would save him and drag him back home for a good spanking.
Buttercup's Bouquet Costs 2,400 gold. Buttercup, a charming and ingenious half-elf of the locksmith persuasion, was best known for her wit and ingenuity. She favored a device crafted specifically for her by an infatuated, magic-using admirer. It resembled a collection of glorious blossoms and was made to be worn on the lapel or in the hair. When a secret catch is released, a gaseous substance squirts forth, blinding everyone within a 15-foot radius. Buttercup, of course, knew to keep her eyes closed. The fumes dissipate immediately, but the blindness persists for 1d8 rounds per individual. Pervert!
I'll look in the Cs and Ds later, and hope to get my hands on all four volumes to bring you more hilariously stupid items from 2nd ed.
Amulet of Caterpillar Control Costs 25 gold. Allows you to control the actions of 4-24(4d6) garden caterpillars. All I can do is protect your garden.
Arabel's Huggable Bear Costs 30,000 gold. This huggable, lovable stuffed magical bear is made of white ermine. It sports an onyx nose, sapphire eyes, and is stuffed with owlbear down. During the slumber hours, this small bear radiates a sphere of protection in a radius of 3 yards. The sphere keeps invading forces from entering the mind of any sleeping person. ESP and mind-affecting spells, including psionics, do not work on any subjects sleeping withing the bear's domain. The stuffed animal also prevents those in its area of effect from suffering bad dreams. Because of the restful nature of sleep white slumbering near the bear, hit points are restored at twice the normal rate. Does Tordek want his teddy bear?
Base Ball Costs 9,000 gold. When set upon the ground as the command word is spoken, this ball attunes itself to that "base." After that, if the creature carrying the ball speaks a second command word, the ball teleports itself, the user, and all carried equipment to teh base location. No other creature can be carried or otherwise transported in this way... The base ball functions once a week - at most. SAFE!
Bowling Ball Costs 9,000 gold. This is a +3 weapon that can knock over any opponent weighting 500 pounds or less that it hits. On a natural roll of 19 (mystically known as a "split"), up to two other similar opponents behind the one struck are also bowled over. On a natural 20, up to four similar opponents are similarly affected if the jock yells out the magic word "Strike!" when releasing the ball. Nobody misses the five orc.
Cue Ball Costs 6,000 gold. This ball looks exactly like a crystal ball, but no images appear in it, and it may look useless. If carried, however, it can offer advice. Whenever the user is in doubt as to a decision of any kind, the cue ball speaks in a language known to the user, offering its opinion as to the best course of action. The cue ball always has an opinion if asked for advice, though its opinion is entirely random if a random choice is the only one possible... The cue ball can offer only three opinions per day. Should've called it the Magic 8 Ball.
Foot Ball Costs 4,000 gold. When this item is placed on a surface and the command word is uttered, it follows its owner, rolling along the surface. When it is picked up, it automatically displays the exact distance it has traveled (measured in yards, contrary to its name) since the command. A second command causes it to reset, starting again at zero. The foot ball can measure a total of 20,000 yards per day, and can displace distances accurate to withing one-tenth of a yard. I was hoping for a ball that disappears when someone tries to kick it.
Carnivorous Balloon Costs 200 gold. This balloon floats toward any living creature that approaches within 10 feet. It magically moves at double the movement rate of its victim, but cannot pass through solids. When close enough, it attacks, automatically hitting its victim an inflicting 2d6 points of damage caused by blood draining. It inflicts 1d6 points of damage each subsequent round. Furthermore, it doe snot let go until either it bursts or the victim is dead. Beware of balloons.
Word Balloon Costs 600 gold. When held, this balloon causes the user to lose his voice. However, anything the user says appears as floating letters and words, in proper order, inside the balloon. The words shrink as more are spoken, making room for an entire sentence of any length. Once a sentence is completed, the words immediately disappear. Thus silent communication is quite possible. The word balloon does not interfere with spell casting, but neither does it display the words uttered. It does, however, display command words spoken. The words in the balloon appear in the language (and alphabet) being spoken. They can be read from any direction and from anywhere the balloon can be seen. Did someone want to do a comic book setting?
Banner of Attraction Costs 4,000 gold. When seen by any creature of less than 5 Hit Dice, the banner apparently says, "Enter Here." All monster and NPCs affected have a 66% chance of wanting to investigate the area an may be surprised when entering any door within 30 feet of the banner (-2 to surprise roll). It should say: Enter Here for Free Candy!
Barrel of Poverty Costs 550 gold. When this item is examined, the victim looking inside is affected immediately and has no saving throw. All the victim's items, worn or carried, immediately disappear. Should straps then appear across the top of the barrel - the victim may wear the barrel (treat as AC 4(+6 to AC for 3.5 people) but with no dexterity adjustment), if desired, by removing its bottom. The victim's possessions are not destroyed, but merely sent to the victim's home. The barrel vanishes if struck by sunlight. To lighten your load.
Barrel of Rolling Costs 1,500 gold. This barrel is useful both for storage and cargo transport. Its top is easily closed and locks on command. When laid on its side and a second command is given, it rolls away from the user at the rate of 20 feet per round. It cannot be commanded to turn, but a third command stops it. It may be used as often as desired. Press Z or R twice.
Beholder Mouthpick Costs either 6,000 gold or 2,000 gold. I'm not even taking the time to describe it, just know it exists.
Blanket of Devouring Costs 1,200 gold. This plain gray blanket is 6 feet square. When it is used to wrap or cover any living creature, dozens of tiny mouths appear inside the blanket and bite the victim for 10 points of damage per round. Once the mouths appear, a remove curse is needed to remove the blanket. Once removed, the blanket becomes nonmagical and powerless. I'd like to give one blanket to each kid in your orphanage.
Blashphor's Magical diapers and Crib of Pushing Diapers cost 400 gold each, cradle costs 8,000 gold, nursery costs 15,000 gold. Diaper: Size varies but averages 2-foot square. Up to 30 diapers can be made (from) 15-yards of enchanted cloth. A diaper of enchantment is secured to an infant with small leather straps. When the baby relieves himself, the waste products are instantly transmuted into a mixture of 95% oxygen and 5% powdered talcum. Crib: 4'X2'X3'; parrot perch reached 5 feet from ground. Weight of entire cradle: about 50 pounds. Provides up to 12 hours of complete care for a single infant (suggested age: 3-15 months). Milk bladder holds about one gallon. The parrot food tube holds one week's supply.
The crib of pushing is activated by the sound of crying form its occupant. It will continue to gently rock back and forth as long as the baby cries. If the baby is hungry, the tyke may suckle milk from the milk bladder suspended overhead. The crib is lined with cloth made from the same material as the diaper of enchantment and transmutes any milk that leaks from the bladder or dribbles from the baby's mouth.
At the base of the crib is a flowerpot of fresh mint, fertilized by the droppings of the parrot perched above. Colorful flowers grow from boxes on each side of the crib. The mint and the flowers keep the air smelling sweet and also add to an aesthetically pleasing environment.
The specially trained parrot keeps an eye the infant provides entertainment and speech lessons. A string runs form its feeder to the mobile; when the parrot pulls the string to fill its cup, the string tugs on the mobile to amuse the baby. The parrot's songs and chatter provide entertainment while its repetition of words and phrases helps the baby learn to talk.
Most importantly, the parrot has been trained to alert the parents in case of an emergency. If specified cures occur which indicate the baby may be in trouble, such as gasping for air or extended crying, the parrot flies like a homing pigeon to the parents or a specified neighbor and squawks out a warning. New for adventuring parents...
Tub of Sailing Costs 5,000 gold. This tub is identical to a tub of lard, but it cannot create anything. If placed in any liquid, it floats and can support up to 500 pounds of weight without sinking. If a creature sits in the tub and commands it to sail, it moves at a Movement Rate of 18. It is not affected by wind, but it is easily damaged (5 hull points, AC 9). Looking for a cheaper way to sail?
Horn Bonnet Costs 5,000 gold. This bonnet is made from a bison scalp with the horns attached. It is often decorated with feathers. Magical versions of the headdress give the warrior a Strength of 19 (+3 to hit, +7 to damage), but only for purposes of attacking and damage with weapons. The strength lasts for one turn and can be used only once per day. Like my new easter bonnet, it's made from bison horns!
War Bonnet Costs 5,000 gold. Worn only by noted warriors, a war bonnet consists of a feather headdress with two long trailers of feathers. Nonmagical bonnets are made of eagle feathers, while magical ones are made of the feathers from giant eagles. A war bonnet gives a Rover extremely sharp hearing and vision, the odds of surprise are only 1 in 10. #1: Shouldn't the names be the other way around? #2: New amazon easter bonnets for sale!
Graffiti Bottle Costs 2,500 gold. This ornate brass bottle has a lead stopper covered with special seals and sigils that are better left untranslated (Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck). If the stopper is removed, four air elementals armed with spray cans pop out and paint rude slogans and obscenities all over everything (and everyone) in the area. They cannot be ordered back into the bottle or restrained in any way except by a censer controlling air elementals. Philly'll put them to good work painting murals in the city, that'll straighten them out!
Broom of Sweeping Costs 600 gold. For obvious convenience, the broom of sweeping was developed. It can sweep a 10-foot-square area clean of loose dust and small items in a turn. The sweepings are left in a neat pile. TSR knows household convenience.
Bush of Lemmikainen Unique. This bush was left at home and would bleed noticeably if Lemmikainen where in trouble, thus warning his mother. At which point, his mother would save him and drag him back home for a good spanking.
Buttercup's Bouquet Costs 2,400 gold. Buttercup, a charming and ingenious half-elf of the locksmith persuasion, was best known for her wit and ingenuity. She favored a device crafted specifically for her by an infatuated, magic-using admirer. It resembled a collection of glorious blossoms and was made to be worn on the lapel or in the hair. When a secret catch is released, a gaseous substance squirts forth, blinding everyone within a 15-foot radius. Buttercup, of course, knew to keep her eyes closed. The fumes dissipate immediately, but the blindness persists for 1d8 rounds per individual. Pervert!
I'll look in the Cs and Ds later, and hope to get my hands on all four volumes to bring you more hilariously stupid items from 2nd ed.