it wasn't that easy
it wasn't that easy
kyuhyun/ryeowook ; pg ; 1943 words
(for times like these, and times like those, what will be will be, and so it goes.)
a/n #hugotpamore
It wasn't that easy.
Especially when you loved someone so dearly, and nothing can replace the memories you've had, the experiences you've been on, and what you have become because of that person. And you were having a really good time-heck, you didn't want it to end. Not wanting it was an understatement, and even though this person has been a constant headache in your life, you still want this person back. Back, when everything wasn't dull, and everything was bright and cheery-and everything was working the way it should be. Back, back in your arms and claim this person yours because it has always been like that in the first place. In the first place, when everything was happy. In the first place, when you two were together.
It wasn't that easy to forget, and forgetting means erasing these memories from your brain and pretending that it never happened. And you can do that, if you really try. If you really try not to visit social networking sites just to stalk that person; if you really try to ignore such group messages by him or her that were sent your way and not think about it too much. You can do that. But the problem is, you didn't want to.
And it wasn't that easy to move on, because being with that person meant everything to you. That person can be considered as your first love, your first kiss, your first date, your first sitting-on-a-slow-moving-carousel-and-be-touchy-feely-with-each-other-kind-of-date, your first fornication, at some point, your first everything. You didn't want to forget.
But you have to.
Because everything went downhill, and it's just…over. You have to move on, and you need it for your life.
But Kyuhyun wasn't just any person so easy to forget.
And it hurts to think that Kyuhyun has successfully moved on with his life, and you haven't. And you were still a mopey little boy locking yourself in your room because you feel so helpless, desperate to forget, and at the same time not wanting anything else but him.
Pathetic.
And now here you are, not knowing what to do, and emotionally drained from everything that happened. You tried to pretend that everything will be okay, everything will be over in a short while, and you will eventually get over with it. Get over Kyuhyun. Get over your love for him and everything concerning him. Get over him and go back into living your own happy life without him. Move on.
And yet it wasn't that easy.
An online article (your last attempt to figure out exactly how to forget about someone, because Hyukjae wasn't entirely helping by being all "Don't be a masochist and just close all contact with him!" and "Do you still want to endure the same pain? You know what, I didn't like him in the first place!") stated that in order to forget an ex-boyfriend, you have to remember why and how you two ended. You have to remember the bad things, and remind yourself of the fights, the problems, and the incompatibility. And it hurts thinking about it.
Because at some point, Kyuhyun turned out to be insensitive. It seems as though he didn't care about your feelings, and went with what he wanted and didn't consider what you would think about the situation. He knew that you didn't like a certain thing to happen and yet he insisted on it aggressively, completely overthrowing your ideas and leaving you unable to fight for yourself-and being such a smartass and having his own way with words, Kyuhyun can do that so easily. He didn't even try to make it work for the both of you.
And even if it just seemed like a petty fight, it meant everything-because it went deeper to your relationship however shallow the topic was about. It came to a point when he called you immature (as if he wasn't) when you finally gave up your pride and said sorry, and you were left to argue how you thought that you were the only one giving off efforts in your relationship, and then he argued back about how he did make an effort somehow- and lots and lots of other things until it eventually…ended.
It was still dark outside, approaching ten minutes to six in the morning and there was a bit of rain-something typical since there were heaps of rain in the past few days anyway, and you can hear the faint sound of the water droplets hitting the screen of the window. It wasn't really calming, and it doesn't help that you have to deal with your feelings about a certain break up with someone that you, apparently, still love.
You grasped on the bed sheets beneath you, your mind working with indecisiveness as you tried to weigh in possibilities and setbacks, because right now, you're actually thinking of calling him. Even if your friends (mostly Hyukjae) told you not to, you know that you need it. If you don't talk to him, it will drive you insane. And maybe, just maybe, hearing his voice for the last time can be a good way to forget.
Or not.
You clutched the phone in your hand, your eyes tightly shut as you thought of the idea for a few minutes. To call or not to call…
The thought of hearing Kyuhyun's voice again won you over, and your eyes opened to look at the screen of your phone, throwing all sorts of negative ideas away. The hell with it, if nothing goes well, at least everything will be resolved.
So you dialed his number. (You even deleted it off your phone, but having memorized it for a long time now didn't really help.)
And perhaps waiting for someone to pick it up was one of the longest moments of your life, even if it was just less than a minute until something happened. Because for every ring, your stomach churned with nervousness, and for a second you thought of ending the call now, because maybe it was a very, very bad idea-
And just then, the ring back tone ended. Your eyes shot wide, and your heart skipped a beat as you waited for someone, for him to speak on the other line, but no one did.
Your hands shook; the hand that was holding your phone gripped it even tighter as you pressed it closer to your ear to detect any sound coming from the other. You were desperate to hear something, anything from Kyuhyun, and yet there was nothing-
"Ryeowook,"
Your heart clenched-that familiar, sickening sensation that went through you when you heard his voice once again say your name, and it was so sweet and you swear that you wanted to hear it again, and again, and again. (and again...)
"Kyuhyun," you started out slowly, careful not to let your voice break. "Hey, I…um, I just…"
Now what was it that you wanted to tell him? All sorts of prepared plans of a conversation went whish-wash, and you were quietly panicking, quickly thinking of something to say, but nothing went to your mind except the fact that Kyuhyun just said your name out loud, and he was actually speaking to you. It had been a month since you two spoke, and you were certainly mind blown at the moment. You opened your mouth to speak further incoherence, but was cut off by Kyuhyun himself.
“You shouldn’t have called.” Of course. “I’m sorry, Wook. You know this can’t work anymore…”
“What can’t work, Kyuhyun?” You dared yourself to ask, your lips quivering from keeping yourself from sobbing then and there, because that only meant that you lost, and you hate the idea of Kyuhyun seeing that for himself. “Everything can still work out in the end…”
“You know it doesn’t go like that all the time-”
“Do you still love me, then?”
And there was a painfully long silence after that. Kyuhyun did not answer. Ironically, you figured it out even if he didn’t. Because if he did love you, he wouldn’t give it a thought and answer you immediately. Because if he did love you, he wouldn’t ignore you for weeks and he would especially make an effort to make this falling relationship work. Because if he did love you, he would have been the one who called in the first place.
“Seven years, Cho Kyuhyun…,” your voice finally trembled, and that’s it-the dam broke. Tears welled up in your eyes at that moment until it eventually fell, and your lips were shaking so hard while your hand was gripping on the bed sheets so tightly. “You’re done, aren’t you? You’re done with everything. You’re done with us, you’re done with me. Am I right?”
You heard nothing from the other line, and that was when your assumptions were confirmed. Apparently, Kyuhyun didn’t love you anymore, and it's not worth it to waste your time brooding over him. Because your love wouldn’t be reciprocated any longer, and the love both of you shared for seven long years-all of it were down the drain.
And so you hung up. You threw the phone across the bed in frustration, all sense of self-control gone and you were left crying heavily. You let it out, because all the while you never cried, never broke down like this and never admitted to yourself that everything is actually over. Because all these time, deep inside, you were still hoping for something, a miracle to happen to bring things back to normal and how it used to be.
But right now, you think that’s never going to happen, and the hopes of being with Kyuhyun and being loved by Kyuhyun were shattered, and you know that it’s time to move on.
But you also know that it isn’t going to be that easy, simply because it’s Kyuhyun-all these years, your world revolved around him and he was already an essential part of your daily routine. And living in a different kind of lifestyle, a lifestyle away from Kyuhyun, it's going to take several more years to have it, compared to the seven years that you two had. It's not going to be that simple. And yet you have to do it.
Because you realized that you and Kyuhyun are over, and there's nothing you can do. What's there to do if the other party is unwilling, anyway?
So you cried, you cried, and you cried your heart out, and you know that this will be the last time ever that you'll be crying because of Cho Kyuhyun-you know that you're strong enough to do that now, since the facts are already laid down before you, and like a slap in the face you have to accept it, even if it won't be easy.
And as you looked outside the window, outside of your apartment, (your eyes swollen and worn out because of all the crying, crying that you've never had before), you noticed that the rain stopped. You can almost feel the soft breeze of the air, its direction going against the trees and the trees swaying towards it, and the grass doing the same; you can hear the birds chirping gleefully at early in the morning, and the tuned seeming oddly familiar enough for you-it was a song, you remember now, a song that says everything will be alright, everything will be alright… You sighed, your heart heavy from all the scars that it took, and you buried your face in your arms.
Everything will be okay in due time...