Fic: Interconnection, Part 15 (Finale)
Pairing: Mark Webber/Sebastian Vettel
Rating: M
Synopsis: After the prize-giving, the 2013 season comes to an absolute close
Word count: 2,235
Disclaimer: Didn’t happen, never will. Don’t like, don’t read.
Interconnection, Part 15 (Finale)
The knock on the door was the death knell.
Mark had been standing at the window, looking out into the Paris sky like a philosopher trying to make sense of the world at large. Now he had to look inward again, and even the thought of it made him want to just rest his head against the window pane and close his eyes. It was a shame he had never been one for bullshit, as now he wanted to buy into the fantasies and delusions that other people indulged in. Acknowledging the truth meant dealing with the ever-crushing hurt, and it was this hurt that took his breath away as he struggled to motivate himself into answering the door. It was such a simple task, walking from point A to point B. And the job he’d had for so many years…well, he was always driving from point A to point B.
No, that was a lie, he thought. He didn’t drive from point A to point B. He drove in circles. From A to B to A and back again.
Time to leave this track.
Mark opened the door and found himself face to face with Sebastian.
*
Sebastian knew he’d been delusional for at least the last month or so. The more reality had set in, the more he’d wanted to run from all the responsibilities lining up for him. But most of all, he’d wanted to run from the fact he couldn’t make reality coincide with the alternate reality that he’d constructed with Mark in mind.
He had meant it last week when he told the Australian that it wasn’t over. It isn’t over, he’d texted. He had honestly believed it, for how could they possibly be over? It would never be over. Mark would always be in his mind. He would always be the truest, darkest desire of Sebastian’s, the secret implanted so deeply within his consciousness that even his heart thought the connection had always been there, natural and waiting for this year to happen.
He and Mark felt as real as anything. Yet Hanna’s pregnancy was also real.
It didn’t make sense then, that these two realities existed. In Sebastian’s mind, there had been a universe running parallel to reality, a universe where he and Mark were safe. As Mark’s retirement had drawn nearer and nearer, this parallel universe had converged on reality, convincing Sebastian that his teammate wasn’t really leaving. Convincing him he’d always be there, no matter if Hanna was still around. They’d be secret forever; the two of them in their own world. It could all co-exist. He wasn’t like Mark - the way Mark had dealt with the Ann complication hadn’t been smooth at all.
At one stage, Sebastian thought he’d achieved some personal growth in manning up - finally defying the idea that he needed to be protected. He’d gone to Christian in Austin and had had the balls to face his boss about the ‘situation’ with Mark. Looking back on it, perhaps it hadn’t been ‘growing up’ but rather a delusion that he was safe in doing this; not brave, but naive.
And he’d been delusional when he told Hanna he’d cheated on her. It was as if he’d wanted to tear a hole in reality, all so he could see into the other world he’d created. Mark would be there, looking back, and that would be the real world, not the one where he was becoming a father younger than expected. Not the one where he was locked into a future marriage.
Even into today, he kept telling himself that there were many men out there with wives and children even though their heart belonged to someone else. He wasn’t unusual, he reassured himself. Yet the thing about being Sebastian Vettel was that even when he wasn’t trying to be, he was not just unusual butexceptional. He could win where others couldn’t. So if these other men lived double lives, why couldn’t he?
The answer came in Mark’s opening words.
‘You can’t always win,’ the Australian said solemnly as he let Sebastian into the hotel room.
Sebastian didn’t like the look in Mark’s eyes as he walked past him. Mark shut the door with a dull thud, and then it was just the two of them in the dim room. A lamp was on in the corner, plus the Parisian backdrop of the window; Mark was tired and did not want to see more than he had to.
The younger man sat at the foot of the bed. Mark kept at a diagonal from him, leaning against the wall near the television cabinet.
It took another moment for Sebastian to realise it was his turn to speak. He looked straight ahead, catching his faded reflection in the flat-screen television as he opened his mouth to speak. The sight, however, made him stop and think. He had indeed grown up from when he first became Mark’s teammate. There was a man in black tie staring back at him. He looked youthful, though confused and a bit tired.
Just as a car had its developments and yearly incarnations, so did he.
‘I love you, Mark.’
He’d said it while still studying his reflection, not because he didn’t mean it, but because he wanted to check that he had said it. He wanted to know what it looked like for him to say it. He had, after all, retracted the statement not too long ago.
Mark remained silent, though Sebastian did hear him take in a sharp breath. So the younger man turned his head and looked up at the Australian.
Jaw set and arms folded across his chest, Mark was looking straight ahead. His eyes looked black in the dim light; this scared Sebastian. A moment ago, Sebastian had felt relieved at his own honesty, and now he was fearing the consequences.
Finally, Mark found the strength to look at Sebastian.
‘Why the fuck would you say that to me?’
His voice had wavered. Furious at his display of weakness, Mark thumped the wall behind him before lunging at Sebastian and grabbing him by the collar, pulling him to his feet so swiftly that Sebastian was winded by the action.
‘Because it’s true,’ the German sputtered as Mark bared his teeth and got up in his face.
‘You liar. You stupid fucking liar.’
Mark tried to cast Sebastian off, wanting to throw him back onto the bed like an unwanted item, but Sebastian was too quick, grabbing the older man’s cheeks and pressing a desperate kiss onto his lips. It disarmed Mark; there were too many volatile emotions. By the time Sebastian pulled away and stumbled back, the older man had tears in his eyes again.
The kiss had hurt them both. It didn’t feel right. It hadn’t been a kiss of comfort or of love; it had been one of sheer frustration, the kind that came with bitter defeat.
Mark shook his head and took a step forward, forcing Sebastian to back up against the foot of the bed. His anger was palpable, sparking a dangerous kind of electricity in the air. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about the baby?’
Sebastian hung his head, tears pricking his own eyes. ‘I couldn’t,’ he whispered.
‘Well, congratulations.’
Even Mark himself didn’t know whether he was being sarcastic or not. A baby was a beautiful thing. A baby always would’ve been on Sebastian’s life agenda; he’d been with Hanna a long time, and there was every expectation of marriage.
‘Obviously I didn’t expect things to turn out this way,’ Sebastian said, now looking at Mark with imploring eyes.
‘Mate, we always would’ve ended in a mess,’ Mark replied. ‘I guess the timing…Look, it doesn’t matter. You have a family to worry about now. This is the rest of your life right here.’
Sebastian gravitated forward, and Mark realised too late that he was going in for a hug. The older man stiffened and just stood there as he was awkwardly embraced.
‘Dammit, Mark.’ Sebastian was practically clawing at Mark’s suit, needing him to respond. ‘Just give me something. I told you the truth. I told you…’
The physical disconnect merely highlighted how broken they were. Slowly, Mark coaxed Sebastian off of him, until Sebastian stood sadly in front of him, swaying back and forth, side to side like a boxer about to fall in a ring after taking a brutal blow.
Sebastian was choking on his own emotions. ‘I told you. You know now. You can say it back.’
‘You’ve always known how I felt. I don’t need to say it, and I won’t now.’
To Sebastian’s surprise, Mark did reach out and place a hand on his cheek. The action was gentle, and Sebastian leaned into Mark’s touch, knowing very well it was the last of what the older man would be offering.
‘You’re not some punk kid anymore,’ Mark said. ‘Forget about me. You’re going to be a dad now. That’s all that matters.’
‘I’m not ready.’
‘You will be.’
For a few seconds, Mark rubbed his thumb soothingly on Sebastian’s cheek. But when the tears fell, he removed his hand and made his way to the door that connected the two rooms. Though Sebastian hadn’t entered the room this way, this is how they would part; connected but not.
With a click, Mark opened the door and held it open for Sebastian. Dazed, the German stared at the darkness that awaited, before then reaching into this pocket for the key card he would have to use to activate the lights in his own room.
Mark’s fingertips were still stained with Sebastian’s tears. He glanced down at his hand - the hand holding the door open - just long enough for Sebastian to surprise him one last time. This time when the younger man stepped forward, Mark accepted the kiss. Its warmth was real, its softness sincere, and the desperation on this occassion was the endearing kind, the kind that made their hearts flutter with excitement and fear.
Then the excitement receded, and for Mark, so did the fear. The kiss broke.
‘Goodbye, Vettel.’
Sebastian stepped back and glanced unsurely at his own room. He didn’t want to go, not when there was still a billionth of a chance of his realities co-existing. But then he thought of the day in future when his baby would be born. He did want to get there. As conflicted and frightened as he was, he couldn’t diverge off this path.
‘Bye, Webber.’
With one last look, Sebastian walked through the interconnecting door, and seconds later, Mark was the one to close it.
*
The following day, back in Switzerland, Sebastian smiled weakly as he reentered his own house. The smile was partly for Hanna, who had been waiting for him at the kitchen table, and partly to encourage himself into a more hopeful mood.
‘You’re home,’ she noted as he dropped his suitcase at the kitchen door, her mood on the better side of neutral. She, too, smiled weakly, though her eyes caught a bit of sparkle as the moment progressed. Sebastian seemed apologetic, which was a positive sign if they were to mend things.
He spied the sandwich and glass of milk that were waiting for him on the kitchen table. ‘Thanks.’ He leant down to give her a grateful kiss on the cheek. ‘Thanks for everything. For putting up with my arsehole self, too. I’ll do better.’
Hanna nodded bravely. She had previously thought saying nothing would be easier, but now that Sebastian was back, she was beginning to think otherwise. If she didn’t say anything now, she may not ever get around to saying anything in the future. She had come to the conclusion that it ought to be acknowledged.
She pushed her chair back after Sebastian sat down next to her. ‘I’m a bit tired. I’ll leave you to your thoughts?’
Confused, Sebastian dropped the sandwich and looked at her curiously. ‘My thoughts?’
‘Yes. It must’ve been hard seeing Mark yesterday.’
Sebastian held her gaze. Or rather, Hanna held his. She knew that he hadn’t just cheated with anyone - it had been with Mark, not another woman. And even though she wasn’t going to ask questions, Hanna still wanted it known that she knew.
‘Hanna, I am so sorry -’
‘It’s okay, Seb. As long as it’s over. And it must be, because I asked Britta and she wouldn’t lie to me.’
‘It is over.’
Hanna didn’t miss the pain that showed in Sebastian’s expression, and the fact that she noticed made Sebastian feel even worse.
She patted her stomach. ‘We’ll be resting in the bedroom. You just…take the time you need,’ she said bravely.
‘I don’t deserve your patience.’
While she didn’t disagree, she didn’t pass judgement either. ‘We’ll be okay. We just need time.’
Though he was used to be being clocked at thousandths of a second, Sebastian knew this time he would have to wait a lot longer. There was a lot to repair, a lot to look forward to…and when it came to Mark, a lot to leave behind.
Sebastian went back to his sandwich and glass of milk, all while wondering about the years to come and the victories that would have to make up for the brutal loss that was losing Mark.
THE END