antoher week away my greatest fear
before i go off, please know that i am happy.
Sometimes I think that I'm doing a terrible job in living my life. What consequences will be had in five years from the choices I am making now? If I completely break it off with Kirk, will I regret it later? If i stay with him, will I be missing out on opportuinities that I would experience otherwise? If I just finish school with an Associate's, will it mean anything in ten years? If I continue going to school, will I be studying the right field?
I'll be twenty on Wednesday. Twenty. That's not very old, but when you think back to, say, freshman year, twenty was a long ways off. Now I'm here. Am I where I wanted to be? When I was a freshman, I wanted to study electrical engineering at UT or Rice. That's right; I wanted to be a Double E major. Now I'm studying RTF with the hopes of making it in the business. On some levels it seems so naive for me to think that there's a place for me among all the bigwigs out there. Then again, if I don't have strong convictions that I can succeed, I'll just give up.
I guess I have time to decide what career will be best for me. My job at Alamo is secure and lucrative. I think when the slow season comes I'll still be ahead of the rest. I'm getting mad hours right now and if it weren't for school I'd have more. I think I'd rather stay at Alamo and give my film-making career a chance to get off its feet, but what if that takes ten years?
Why am I so bent out of shape trying to make everyone happy but myself? I try to take my own feelings into consideration when I'm making a decision, but inevitably I sacrifice my own desires to make everyone else happy. It was instilled to me by my mom's arguments with ym sister when I was young that thinking about yourself makes you selfish. I know that's not true. If we never think of ourselves, we'll all be unhappy. If I don't look out for number one, who will? But this goddamned conscience of mine won't let me do what's right for me without guilt and regret plaguing my senses until I do what's "right." I do everything in my power to make her happy. I'll watch Megan, be there wtih her when Tom really should be, listen to her superficial gossip about what's going on at work, spend three hours at the mall just so she can tell her friends she hung out with me, do the best I can so that she can brag to all her friends how her daughter is this and that. Everything I do, including my decisions about Kirk, have underlying motives of pleasing her, yet she can't even make time to go to the movies with me. She saw me march maybe 4 times my whole high school career, never saw me play soccer.
Forget it. I don't even know why I went off there.
I'm just freaking out because my self value is a little low. I'm not motivated enough to wrk out. I'd like to buy a bike so I can at least ride it to work. It probably won't happen. I'd like to feel prettier and losing 15 or 20 pounds will do that. My laziness, however, will overcome my willpower.
I'm insane, I really am. It's ok. This summer will be fantastic. I'm really looking forward to getting abck in touch with reality and the society that consists of people I have neglected for far too long. Keep in touch with me and I'll try to do the same.
Word.
Sometimes I think that I'm doing a terrible job in living my life. What consequences will be had in five years from the choices I am making now? If I completely break it off with Kirk, will I regret it later? If i stay with him, will I be missing out on opportuinities that I would experience otherwise? If I just finish school with an Associate's, will it mean anything in ten years? If I continue going to school, will I be studying the right field?
I'll be twenty on Wednesday. Twenty. That's not very old, but when you think back to, say, freshman year, twenty was a long ways off. Now I'm here. Am I where I wanted to be? When I was a freshman, I wanted to study electrical engineering at UT or Rice. That's right; I wanted to be a Double E major. Now I'm studying RTF with the hopes of making it in the business. On some levels it seems so naive for me to think that there's a place for me among all the bigwigs out there. Then again, if I don't have strong convictions that I can succeed, I'll just give up.
I guess I have time to decide what career will be best for me. My job at Alamo is secure and lucrative. I think when the slow season comes I'll still be ahead of the rest. I'm getting mad hours right now and if it weren't for school I'd have more. I think I'd rather stay at Alamo and give my film-making career a chance to get off its feet, but what if that takes ten years?
Why am I so bent out of shape trying to make everyone happy but myself? I try to take my own feelings into consideration when I'm making a decision, but inevitably I sacrifice my own desires to make everyone else happy. It was instilled to me by my mom's arguments with ym sister when I was young that thinking about yourself makes you selfish. I know that's not true. If we never think of ourselves, we'll all be unhappy. If I don't look out for number one, who will? But this goddamned conscience of mine won't let me do what's right for me without guilt and regret plaguing my senses until I do what's "right." I do everything in my power to make her happy. I'll watch Megan, be there wtih her when Tom really should be, listen to her superficial gossip about what's going on at work, spend three hours at the mall just so she can tell her friends she hung out with me, do the best I can so that she can brag to all her friends how her daughter is this and that. Everything I do, including my decisions about Kirk, have underlying motives of pleasing her, yet she can't even make time to go to the movies with me. She saw me march maybe 4 times my whole high school career, never saw me play soccer.
Forget it. I don't even know why I went off there.
I'm just freaking out because my self value is a little low. I'm not motivated enough to wrk out. I'd like to buy a bike so I can at least ride it to work. It probably won't happen. I'd like to feel prettier and losing 15 or 20 pounds will do that. My laziness, however, will overcome my willpower.
I'm insane, I really am. It's ok. This summer will be fantastic. I'm really looking forward to getting abck in touch with reality and the society that consists of people I have neglected for far too long. Keep in touch with me and I'll try to do the same.
Word.