A New Insight!
I had a moment of clarity recently about why it is that I isolate from others so much. It has to do with how I feel when I'm around people. I have this pattern of interpreting other people's verbal and non-verbal communications in a very negative way, unless there's no ambiguity at all. I have always done this, but over the past few years, I've done it a lot. Every word a person says, every facial expression and tone of voice gets filtered through my negative-interpretation machine. And then I feel hurt, angry, sad, afraid, disappointed, or whatever, at the insult I perceive.
What suddenly became clear to me is this: this dynamic has a life of its own. It's part of my psyche. During good periods in my life, when I'm relatively happy and have a good social life, I still do it. But it's more manageable. It's not happening constantly, and I'm less affected by it when it does, because the evidence coming from the world contradicts my negative interpretations. When things are more difficult - for no other reason than the fact that life sometimes hands out problems - it's harder for me to get a handle on it. If I've had an experience that feels traumatic to me, particularly a big and painful rejection or hurt from another person, that can really set it off.
I've always tended to buy into the popular New Age notion that "we worry about what other people are thinking of us because we don't feel good about ourselves." OK, so all I have to do is improve my self-esteem and I'll start imagining that people are saying and thinking good things about me, right? Wrong. Or at least, only partially right. Here's my insight: my pattern of negative interpreting is part of some basic damage I have in relating to others. Mental health is not only about the self. We grow up and then live in a social environment, so that's an important part of our learning and psychological development. I grew up in an abusive, confusing and not very nurturing environment. My ability to relate socially developed in that environment, and I developed some broken patterns, that continue to this day.
This is new information, because prior to this, I've been asking myself why I keep isolating from other people, when clearly that causes me to feel depressed (when I do it too much). I've been thinking that it has something to do with my nocturnal schedule, which is out of sync with most people, and ends up making it harder to plan things with others. Or maybe it's just a bad habit I've developed, that I can't bring myself to stop. I've been a bit critical of myself about it, thinking that I'm just being self-destructive and not taking good care of myself. But now that I've brought in this new piece, it seems completely obvious to me: of course it's hard to break my isolation. It feels so damn hard to be around other people. I'm constantly feeling attacked, snubbed, scorned, ridiculed, laughed at, judged, criticized, insulted, etc. No wonder I want to run home to my cats, computer and television! The world of other humans feels like a minefield. If I don't take this fact into consideration, my attempts to break out of isolation is bound to keep failing.
Anyway, this has given me a new area to focus my healing work.
What suddenly became clear to me is this: this dynamic has a life of its own. It's part of my psyche. During good periods in my life, when I'm relatively happy and have a good social life, I still do it. But it's more manageable. It's not happening constantly, and I'm less affected by it when it does, because the evidence coming from the world contradicts my negative interpretations. When things are more difficult - for no other reason than the fact that life sometimes hands out problems - it's harder for me to get a handle on it. If I've had an experience that feels traumatic to me, particularly a big and painful rejection or hurt from another person, that can really set it off.
I've always tended to buy into the popular New Age notion that "we worry about what other people are thinking of us because we don't feel good about ourselves." OK, so all I have to do is improve my self-esteem and I'll start imagining that people are saying and thinking good things about me, right? Wrong. Or at least, only partially right. Here's my insight: my pattern of negative interpreting is part of some basic damage I have in relating to others. Mental health is not only about the self. We grow up and then live in a social environment, so that's an important part of our learning and psychological development. I grew up in an abusive, confusing and not very nurturing environment. My ability to relate socially developed in that environment, and I developed some broken patterns, that continue to this day.
This is new information, because prior to this, I've been asking myself why I keep isolating from other people, when clearly that causes me to feel depressed (when I do it too much). I've been thinking that it has something to do with my nocturnal schedule, which is out of sync with most people, and ends up making it harder to plan things with others. Or maybe it's just a bad habit I've developed, that I can't bring myself to stop. I've been a bit critical of myself about it, thinking that I'm just being self-destructive and not taking good care of myself. But now that I've brought in this new piece, it seems completely obvious to me: of course it's hard to break my isolation. It feels so damn hard to be around other people. I'm constantly feeling attacked, snubbed, scorned, ridiculed, laughed at, judged, criticized, insulted, etc. No wonder I want to run home to my cats, computer and television! The world of other humans feels like a minefield. If I don't take this fact into consideration, my attempts to break out of isolation is bound to keep failing.
Anyway, this has given me a new area to focus my healing work.