Forgot to put my ring back on
I never know when things are going well or poorly anymore. On the one hand, I've really been enjoying my time with baciodelrospo... on the other, it keeps coming up that I'm not her ideal... or like, maybe I am, but only for the time being, and ideally I'll fall out of her life when she's ready to move on to the next thing. And I don't know if that's true, or just a poor interpretation of what she's really saying, or if it matters... I mean, I would think it mattered, but what if she er... doesn't... want... her... ideal? I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
It's become kind of a common theme in our relationship that I'm happiest when I don't know everything that's going on, and as soon as I find out, I'm devastated. This has been traditionally exacerbated by the fact that she often doesn't know what's going on either. The difference is that sometimes I think I know, and am wrong, whereas she's spent a lot of time knowing that... she doesn't know. I guess. This is all being well-punctuated by the fact that I don't know how to say what I'm feeling. Sigh.
I guess what it amounts to is, sometimes she says things, and I'm left wondering... does she not know how that sounds, or does she just not care? I have this feeling almost like she's been trying to hurt me over the last few days, or like... saying things just to see if they hurt me. Or maybe she's just being honest, in which case the truth is hurting me... or maybe she just doesn't know how she really feels, and so what she says in all honesty one moment may not be what she feels the next... and I really don't know. I do know that whenever she says things like that... I end up feeling used. Not that I'm even sure why.
I hate spilling what amounts to confused angst all over the page. I always wear a ring that she gave me, except in the shower. It's a silver celtic knotwork ring. I always wear it with the same small knot pointed up, and the same longer knot on the inside (of my little finger). The rest of the knots are of a size with each other. I'm not wearing currently, not out of some deeper significance, but because I left it on a shelf by the shower. It does make me feel weird not to be wearing it, though.
The next weird thing is, it looks like we'll be renting Serenity out for the Summer to some reedies yet to be named. This would raise the question of where I would stay... Eliah and Brimtoast will be in Boston for very cool reasons (summer programs). So... probably I'll stay with baciodelrospo. She seemed quite amenable to the idea, which kind of confused me. Maybe I'm just extraordinarily confused lately. It would be quite amazing to share a bed with her every night. And Will and Adam would be interesting housemates indeed. We could probably play bridge every day or something. Just... what does this mean compared to last summer?
It's become kind of a common theme in our relationship that I'm happiest when I don't know everything that's going on, and as soon as I find out, I'm devastated. This has been traditionally exacerbated by the fact that she often doesn't know what's going on either. The difference is that sometimes I think I know, and am wrong, whereas she's spent a lot of time knowing that... she doesn't know. I guess. This is all being well-punctuated by the fact that I don't know how to say what I'm feeling. Sigh.
I guess what it amounts to is, sometimes she says things, and I'm left wondering... does she not know how that sounds, or does she just not care? I have this feeling almost like she's been trying to hurt me over the last few days, or like... saying things just to see if they hurt me. Or maybe she's just being honest, in which case the truth is hurting me... or maybe she just doesn't know how she really feels, and so what she says in all honesty one moment may not be what she feels the next... and I really don't know. I do know that whenever she says things like that... I end up feeling used. Not that I'm even sure why.
I hate spilling what amounts to confused angst all over the page. I always wear a ring that she gave me, except in the shower. It's a silver celtic knotwork ring. I always wear it with the same small knot pointed up, and the same longer knot on the inside (of my little finger). The rest of the knots are of a size with each other. I'm not wearing currently, not out of some deeper significance, but because I left it on a shelf by the shower. It does make me feel weird not to be wearing it, though.
The next weird thing is, it looks like we'll be renting Serenity out for the Summer to some reedies yet to be named. This would raise the question of where I would stay... Eliah and Brimtoast will be in Boston for very cool reasons (summer programs). So... probably I'll stay with baciodelrospo. She seemed quite amenable to the idea, which kind of confused me. Maybe I'm just extraordinarily confused lately. It would be quite amazing to share a bed with her every night. And Will and Adam would be interesting housemates indeed. We could probably play bridge every day or something. Just... what does this mean compared to last summer?