(no subject)
December! Oscar bait! Blockbusters! Oscar bait blockbusters! Twenty two movies! Stuff from last month goes wider! Fortune favours the bold! The bold favour fortune! Money talks! Talk monies! Okay, I’m done.
1. TRON: LEGACY - Dec 17, IMAX 3D, RealD 3D. So yeah, there’s this TRON sequel coming. Perhaps you’ve heard about it. Unfortunately, early reviews are not very positive, so it’s not going to be the brilliant marvel we hoped, but it’ll be pretty. Also, since it’s mostly just a visual thrill, the IMAX 3D version will be required viewing. Me? I’m there.
2. THE TEMPEST - Dec 17 limited, wide later. Julie Taymor’s back in Shakespeare land, after her brilliant take on TITUS a ways back. This time she’s recast Prospero as Prospera and got the legendary Helen Mirren on board in a visually insane take on Bill’s final play. Magic and mayhem abound, with a killer cast including Alfred Molina, Djimon Hounsou, Alan Cumming, Russell Brand, David Strathairn, and Chris Cooper. I hated the crap out of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and the Spider Man musical is dying quickly, so hopefully Julie’s nailed this one.
3. TRUE GRIT - Dec 22. A front-runner in the Oscar race, Jeff Bridges steps into the role made famous by John Wayne. It’s a remake of a classic, but it’s closer to the original novel, and it’s the freakin’ Coen Brothers, so yeah, it’s gonna be great. Matt Damon and Josh Brolin are along for the ride.
4. BLACK SWAN - Dec 3 limited, wide later. Darren Aronofsky follows up THE WRESTLER with this tale of a ballerina who goes crazy trying to secure the lead role in Swan Lake. Natalie Portman headlines and goes tete-a-tete and bouche-a-bouche avec Mila Kunis (THAT 70s SHOW). They totally make out. I’d have been there even without that awaiting me. Again, the reviews are a little soft from some sources, but it’s freakin’ Aronofsky. Accept no substitutes.
5. RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE - Dec 10 limited. In 2003, a few Finns made a fantastic short film about Santa trappers in the hinterlands. They’d catch feral Santas, clean them up, and ship them to malls around the world. It was really dark and vicious. They’ve made a feature length version, and it looks insane. It’s always compelling to see beloved characters turned into twisted, murderous forces of nature. Not sure how much of a release it’s getting, but it’s worth seeking out.
6. THE ILLUSIONIST - Dec 25. TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE was a fantastic film, if you haven’t seen it, seek it out. The director’s new film is based on an unproduced screenplay from French film legend Jacques Tati and tells the story of a magician dealing with an audience who really doesn’t want magic anymore. It looks beautiful, and it’s important to celebrate great traditional animation so it doesn’t die off. I imagine it follows the pattern of BELLEVILLE and features very little dialogue, allowing the great animation to say more than words ever could. It’s ART, BABY.
7. SOMEWHERE - Dec 22, limited. Sofia Coppola’s latest, definitely closer in tone to LOST IN TRANSLATION rather than the criminally ignored MARIE ANTOINETTE. Stephen Dorff (BLADE) is a Hollywood burnout who has fatherhood thrust upon him, forcing him to clean up his act. What could have been a cutesy comedy is instead a nuanced character piece, with Dakota Fanning’s little sister Elle playing the young daughter. And yes, she’s a dead ringer. Won’t be a big hit, but should be worth seeing.
8. RABBIT HOLE - Dec 17 limited, Dec 25 wide. OB Alert! Aaron Eckhart and Nicole Kidman are a married couple dealing with the loss of their young son. Good times! John Cameron Mitchell (HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH, SHORTBUS) directs, based on the hit play. It’s gut-wrenching stuff, but artfully executed. Not exactly a fun night out, but it should be great cinema.
9. THE TOURIST - Dec 10. Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp- together at last, ten years too late. Depp gets pulled into a world of intrigue since he looks like a terrorist. Angelina looks waaaay to skinny. It’s the follow-up for the director of the Oscar winning THE LIVES OF OTHERS, and it looks really slick, very European, so it should feel very un-American, and hey, Depp!
10. BIUTIFUL - Dec 29, limited. From the director of AMORES PERROS and BABEL comes a story of a man going down the tubes. Javier Bardem is that man, so get on board y’all. The trailer looks like a roller coaster of emotion, mostly sad emotions, but Inarritu has proven himself to be a hell of a filmmaker, so it should be quite a film. Just, you know, really, really depressing.
11. I LOVE YOU, PHILLIP MORRIS - Dec 10 limited. I thought this was a fan film for cigarette lovers, but I was waaaay off. It’s a prison love story starring Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. Let that sink in. Jim’s a married man who ends up in jail and falls in love with Ewan. I mean, who wouldn’t, am I right fellas? The subject matter has made getting this film released very, very difficult, but it’s finally getting out there. Oddly enough, I don’t see this going wide and being a $100 million hit. Should be quite a story though.
12. ANOTHER YEAR - Dec 29, limited. More Oscar Bait, this time from Mike Leigh (SECRETS AND LIES). He’s proven to be a master at British character work, and this should be another great example, featuring Jim Broadbent as a happily married man surrounded by depressed/depressing people. Still, stiff upper lip, what what.
13. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER: A THREE DEE EXPERIENCE ONLY IN THEATRES DAMMIT - Dec 10, RealD 3D. I found the first film to be a bit much, and didn’t catch the second one at all. Based on the numbers, I was not alone. Even Disney handed it off to Fox. DISNEY! And it’s directed by the man who made the WORST James Bond film, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. Remember Christmas Jones? *shudder* Regardless, I’m sure it will be decent fantasy material, I mean, there’s dragons and stuff, but unless reviewers are blown away, I won’t be checking this out.
14. BLUE VALENTINE - Dec 31 limited. Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams play a seemingly doomed New York couple in this ultra low budget indie. Another fun night out with great actors and a really, really depressing film. But man, I still can’t deal with Ryan Gosling. I respect him, don’t get me wrong, but I still want to punch him every time I see that smug face.
15. CASINO JACK - Dec 17 limited. In the quick turnaround department, here’s a fictionalized account of disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who happily greased palms to get Indian casinos built while getting some grift of his own. There was a doc out last year on the subject, now Kevin Spacey plays Jack. Another one that looks like a good HBO movie rather than a theatrical release. Can’t imagine seeing it on THE BEEG SCREEEN.
16. THE FIGHTER - Dec 10 limited, Dec 17 wide. I’ve got to admit, I don’t get David O. Russell. I enjoyed THREE KINGS but couldn’t get into I HEART HUCKABEES. I’m not excited about watching Mark Wahlberg as a has-been fighter given a chance to be somebody, while his screwed-up brother (Christian Bale) helps and hurts him. I can’t get into Bale with a thick Bahstahn accent. I’m tired of washed-up fighters. I’m tired of Mark Wahlberg. The reviews have been positive, but I just can’t care about this. Maybe I just don’t see Wahlberg as an underdog anymore. Or an actor.
17. WARRIOR’S WAY - Dec 3. A tired super ninja escapes to the wild west, only to be followed by many other super ninjas. Kate Bosworth and Geoffrey Rush assist. It looks awesome, but I can’t possibly be as cool as it looks. No way.
18. HOW DO YOU KNOW - Dec 17. James L. Brooks remakes AS GOOD AS IT GETS with Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, Reese Witherspoon, and Jack Nicholson. Okay, it’s not a remake, but it’s definitely channelling the successful AGAIG. Even with the awesome Paul Rudd’s presence and Reese kept to a minor role, it still looks like Another Hollywood Romantic Comedy.
19. GULLIVER’S TRAVELS - Dec 22, RealD 3D. Jack Black’s career trajectory continues its screaming path into oblivion. Well, at least as a leading man. He’s a big man in a tiny kingdom! They don’t have cell phones! But they do have Roy from THE IT CROWD, so that’s something. The whole thing just seems off. The director also made MONSTERS VS ALIENS and SHARK TALE, so he’s well versed in mediocrity. Meh, I say. Meh!
20. COUNTRY STRONG - Dec 22, limited. Okay, stay with me here. Gwyneth Paltrow plays a recovering alcoholic country music star on the rebound, dealing with a young ingénue (Leighton Meester, GOSSIP GIRL) and a manager/husband (Actual country star Tim McGraw) who may or may not believe in her. Throw in a young honky-tonker (Garrett Hedlund, TRON LEGACY) and you got yourself a proper hoedown! First of all, middle America will NOT accept Gwyneth as their own, despite her recent performance on GLEE. Second, we saw this movie last year with Jeff Bridges (CRAZY HEART, you forgetful monkeys) and it was much better. This is a slick, disneyfied version, all about true ‘Merican values. I can see this becoming a sounding off platform for folks who want positive ‘Merican values in their films. It’s okay to have an alcoholic in your film, as long as they sober up. And “COUNTRY STRONG”? Really? REALLY? COUNTRY STRONG! POP MUSIC WEAK! RAP MUSIC EVIL! JEEBUS GOOD! Whatever.
21. LITTLE FOCKERS - Dec 22. If you thought Stiller and Deniro walked through the last one, wait until you see the trailer. It almost makes you hate movies.
22. YOGI BEAR - Dec 17, RealD 3D. Dan Ackroyd IS CGI Yogi. Why, god, why? Who needs this? You want sad? Let’s look at some of the two writers’ credits, in chronological order. (They seem to be a team.) DUCKMAN. THE CRITIC. THE SIMPSONS. 3RD ROCK. Not bad, right? Then: SURVIVING CHRISTMAS, the Ben Affleck holiday flop. Followed by TOOTH FAIRY. Yeah. Can you just imagine their souls slowly dying? Hope fading from their bright eyes? Imagine how excited they were writing for DUCKMAN. Now picture the room as they spitball pickanick basket jokes for this mirthless turd. Oh, and Boo Boo? Justin Timberlake. I love you man, but you’re killin’ me ovah heah. And poor Tom Cavanagh. He had such high hopes after ED was cancelled. Still, it’s a kid’s movie, right? It ain’t for us. But that doesn’t mean it has to be unrelentingly stupid.
So there’s December. Some good viewin’ in there, but lots of unknowns as well. Hopefully one or two classics will rise from the batch. January promises, well, nothing. (Spoiler: EIGHT MOVIES.) Enjoy the holiday assault!
1. TRON: LEGACY - Dec 17, IMAX 3D, RealD 3D. So yeah, there’s this TRON sequel coming. Perhaps you’ve heard about it. Unfortunately, early reviews are not very positive, so it’s not going to be the brilliant marvel we hoped, but it’ll be pretty. Also, since it’s mostly just a visual thrill, the IMAX 3D version will be required viewing. Me? I’m there.
2. THE TEMPEST - Dec 17 limited, wide later. Julie Taymor’s back in Shakespeare land, after her brilliant take on TITUS a ways back. This time she’s recast Prospero as Prospera and got the legendary Helen Mirren on board in a visually insane take on Bill’s final play. Magic and mayhem abound, with a killer cast including Alfred Molina, Djimon Hounsou, Alan Cumming, Russell Brand, David Strathairn, and Chris Cooper. I hated the crap out of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and the Spider Man musical is dying quickly, so hopefully Julie’s nailed this one.
3. TRUE GRIT - Dec 22. A front-runner in the Oscar race, Jeff Bridges steps into the role made famous by John Wayne. It’s a remake of a classic, but it’s closer to the original novel, and it’s the freakin’ Coen Brothers, so yeah, it’s gonna be great. Matt Damon and Josh Brolin are along for the ride.
4. BLACK SWAN - Dec 3 limited, wide later. Darren Aronofsky follows up THE WRESTLER with this tale of a ballerina who goes crazy trying to secure the lead role in Swan Lake. Natalie Portman headlines and goes tete-a-tete and bouche-a-bouche avec Mila Kunis (THAT 70s SHOW). They totally make out. I’d have been there even without that awaiting me. Again, the reviews are a little soft from some sources, but it’s freakin’ Aronofsky. Accept no substitutes.
5. RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE - Dec 10 limited. In 2003, a few Finns made a fantastic short film about Santa trappers in the hinterlands. They’d catch feral Santas, clean them up, and ship them to malls around the world. It was really dark and vicious. They’ve made a feature length version, and it looks insane. It’s always compelling to see beloved characters turned into twisted, murderous forces of nature. Not sure how much of a release it’s getting, but it’s worth seeking out.
6. THE ILLUSIONIST - Dec 25. TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE was a fantastic film, if you haven’t seen it, seek it out. The director’s new film is based on an unproduced screenplay from French film legend Jacques Tati and tells the story of a magician dealing with an audience who really doesn’t want magic anymore. It looks beautiful, and it’s important to celebrate great traditional animation so it doesn’t die off. I imagine it follows the pattern of BELLEVILLE and features very little dialogue, allowing the great animation to say more than words ever could. It’s ART, BABY.
7. SOMEWHERE - Dec 22, limited. Sofia Coppola’s latest, definitely closer in tone to LOST IN TRANSLATION rather than the criminally ignored MARIE ANTOINETTE. Stephen Dorff (BLADE) is a Hollywood burnout who has fatherhood thrust upon him, forcing him to clean up his act. What could have been a cutesy comedy is instead a nuanced character piece, with Dakota Fanning’s little sister Elle playing the young daughter. And yes, she’s a dead ringer. Won’t be a big hit, but should be worth seeing.
8. RABBIT HOLE - Dec 17 limited, Dec 25 wide. OB Alert! Aaron Eckhart and Nicole Kidman are a married couple dealing with the loss of their young son. Good times! John Cameron Mitchell (HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH, SHORTBUS) directs, based on the hit play. It’s gut-wrenching stuff, but artfully executed. Not exactly a fun night out, but it should be great cinema.
9. THE TOURIST - Dec 10. Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp- together at last, ten years too late. Depp gets pulled into a world of intrigue since he looks like a terrorist. Angelina looks waaaay to skinny. It’s the follow-up for the director of the Oscar winning THE LIVES OF OTHERS, and it looks really slick, very European, so it should feel very un-American, and hey, Depp!
10. BIUTIFUL - Dec 29, limited. From the director of AMORES PERROS and BABEL comes a story of a man going down the tubes. Javier Bardem is that man, so get on board y’all. The trailer looks like a roller coaster of emotion, mostly sad emotions, but Inarritu has proven himself to be a hell of a filmmaker, so it should be quite a film. Just, you know, really, really depressing.
11. I LOVE YOU, PHILLIP MORRIS - Dec 10 limited. I thought this was a fan film for cigarette lovers, but I was waaaay off. It’s a prison love story starring Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. Let that sink in. Jim’s a married man who ends up in jail and falls in love with Ewan. I mean, who wouldn’t, am I right fellas? The subject matter has made getting this film released very, very difficult, but it’s finally getting out there. Oddly enough, I don’t see this going wide and being a $100 million hit. Should be quite a story though.
12. ANOTHER YEAR - Dec 29, limited. More Oscar Bait, this time from Mike Leigh (SECRETS AND LIES). He’s proven to be a master at British character work, and this should be another great example, featuring Jim Broadbent as a happily married man surrounded by depressed/depressing people. Still, stiff upper lip, what what.
13. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER: A THREE DEE EXPERIENCE ONLY IN THEATRES DAMMIT - Dec 10, RealD 3D. I found the first film to be a bit much, and didn’t catch the second one at all. Based on the numbers, I was not alone. Even Disney handed it off to Fox. DISNEY! And it’s directed by the man who made the WORST James Bond film, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. Remember Christmas Jones? *shudder* Regardless, I’m sure it will be decent fantasy material, I mean, there’s dragons and stuff, but unless reviewers are blown away, I won’t be checking this out.
14. BLUE VALENTINE - Dec 31 limited. Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams play a seemingly doomed New York couple in this ultra low budget indie. Another fun night out with great actors and a really, really depressing film. But man, I still can’t deal with Ryan Gosling. I respect him, don’t get me wrong, but I still want to punch him every time I see that smug face.
15. CASINO JACK - Dec 17 limited. In the quick turnaround department, here’s a fictionalized account of disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who happily greased palms to get Indian casinos built while getting some grift of his own. There was a doc out last year on the subject, now Kevin Spacey plays Jack. Another one that looks like a good HBO movie rather than a theatrical release. Can’t imagine seeing it on THE BEEG SCREEEN.
16. THE FIGHTER - Dec 10 limited, Dec 17 wide. I’ve got to admit, I don’t get David O. Russell. I enjoyed THREE KINGS but couldn’t get into I HEART HUCKABEES. I’m not excited about watching Mark Wahlberg as a has-been fighter given a chance to be somebody, while his screwed-up brother (Christian Bale) helps and hurts him. I can’t get into Bale with a thick Bahstahn accent. I’m tired of washed-up fighters. I’m tired of Mark Wahlberg. The reviews have been positive, but I just can’t care about this. Maybe I just don’t see Wahlberg as an underdog anymore. Or an actor.
17. WARRIOR’S WAY - Dec 3. A tired super ninja escapes to the wild west, only to be followed by many other super ninjas. Kate Bosworth and Geoffrey Rush assist. It looks awesome, but I can’t possibly be as cool as it looks. No way.
18. HOW DO YOU KNOW - Dec 17. James L. Brooks remakes AS GOOD AS IT GETS with Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, Reese Witherspoon, and Jack Nicholson. Okay, it’s not a remake, but it’s definitely channelling the successful AGAIG. Even with the awesome Paul Rudd’s presence and Reese kept to a minor role, it still looks like Another Hollywood Romantic Comedy.
19. GULLIVER’S TRAVELS - Dec 22, RealD 3D. Jack Black’s career trajectory continues its screaming path into oblivion. Well, at least as a leading man. He’s a big man in a tiny kingdom! They don’t have cell phones! But they do have Roy from THE IT CROWD, so that’s something. The whole thing just seems off. The director also made MONSTERS VS ALIENS and SHARK TALE, so he’s well versed in mediocrity. Meh, I say. Meh!
20. COUNTRY STRONG - Dec 22, limited. Okay, stay with me here. Gwyneth Paltrow plays a recovering alcoholic country music star on the rebound, dealing with a young ingénue (Leighton Meester, GOSSIP GIRL) and a manager/husband (Actual country star Tim McGraw) who may or may not believe in her. Throw in a young honky-tonker (Garrett Hedlund, TRON LEGACY) and you got yourself a proper hoedown! First of all, middle America will NOT accept Gwyneth as their own, despite her recent performance on GLEE. Second, we saw this movie last year with Jeff Bridges (CRAZY HEART, you forgetful monkeys) and it was much better. This is a slick, disneyfied version, all about true ‘Merican values. I can see this becoming a sounding off platform for folks who want positive ‘Merican values in their films. It’s okay to have an alcoholic in your film, as long as they sober up. And “COUNTRY STRONG”? Really? REALLY? COUNTRY STRONG! POP MUSIC WEAK! RAP MUSIC EVIL! JEEBUS GOOD! Whatever.
21. LITTLE FOCKERS - Dec 22. If you thought Stiller and Deniro walked through the last one, wait until you see the trailer. It almost makes you hate movies.
22. YOGI BEAR - Dec 17, RealD 3D. Dan Ackroyd IS CGI Yogi. Why, god, why? Who needs this? You want sad? Let’s look at some of the two writers’ credits, in chronological order. (They seem to be a team.) DUCKMAN. THE CRITIC. THE SIMPSONS. 3RD ROCK. Not bad, right? Then: SURVIVING CHRISTMAS, the Ben Affleck holiday flop. Followed by TOOTH FAIRY. Yeah. Can you just imagine their souls slowly dying? Hope fading from their bright eyes? Imagine how excited they were writing for DUCKMAN. Now picture the room as they spitball pickanick basket jokes for this mirthless turd. Oh, and Boo Boo? Justin Timberlake. I love you man, but you’re killin’ me ovah heah. And poor Tom Cavanagh. He had such high hopes after ED was cancelled. Still, it’s a kid’s movie, right? It ain’t for us. But that doesn’t mean it has to be unrelentingly stupid.
So there’s December. Some good viewin’ in there, but lots of unknowns as well. Hopefully one or two classics will rise from the batch. January promises, well, nothing. (Spoiler: EIGHT MOVIES.) Enjoy the holiday assault!