Fic: A heart is not judged, part 12/? in the Oz series
A heart is not judged
3200 words, SPN Dean/Castiel slash. Spoilers for all of season 4.
zelda_zee is my beta and I love her.
Continuing my Welcome to Oz series. Master post of links here.
“Plain cheddar or white cheddar?” Castiel holds up two boxes of macaroni and cheese .
A heart is not judged
“Plain cheddar or white cheddar?” Castiel holds up two boxes of macaroni and cheese for Dean’s inspection.
“Plain,” Dean says. “The white always tastes weird.”
“Okay.” Castiel drops three boxes of plain cheddar macaroni and cheese in the shopping cart.
“School’s starting in less than a month,” Dean says as Castiel begins to push the cart forward. “You’re gonna be a working stiff like the rest of us soon. Unless we get out of this place before then.” The second half feels almost tacked on, a disclaimer Dean’s obligated to say every time he talks about the future. It’s been three months and they still haven’t figured a way out. If Dean’s really honest with himself, sometime after the second month they began to stop trying that hard.
“Before school starts there will be a week of intense training for the teachers. Many meetings. Theoretically, that should help prepare me to teach.”
“Have you learned the math, Cas?” Dean says as he ambles along next to the cart. “That two plus two does not equal two times two?”
“They both equal four, Dean. And I have mastered all the math concepts in the textbooks Alana provided me with,” Castiel says as he puts a jug of milk in the cart. “I also stopped by the library to borrow books relating to second, fourth, and fifth grade math. I believe I have fully mastered those as well.”
“You’re a regular overachiever, aren’t you?” Dean says. He tries for a smirk, but it comes out more of a fond smile. “Probably didn’t imagine you’d end up in a human school teaching human kids when you were up in Heaven, huh?”
Castiel’s expression is carefully neutral as he drops packages of hot dogs and hamburger patties into the cart. “I could not have imagined many things while I was in Heaven.”
“What was Heaven like anyway?” Dean hangs his arms over the side of the cart while Castiel stops again to examine the nutritional label on the side of a can of soup. “Was it all fluffy clouds and harps and smiley faces? Did you guys sit around and hold hands and sing kumbaya all day?”
“I don’t remember,” Castiel says so quietly Dean almost doesn’t hear him.
“You don’t-” Dean straightens up. “I’d think Heaven would be the type of place you’d remember.” He raises an eyebrow. “You yanking my chain here?”
“No,” Castiel replaces the can on the shelf with a small sigh. “My memories of the time before-before this place have been fading. Slowly, steadily, and surely.”
“You got amnesia or something?” Dean says. “When’d this start?”
“A few weeks ago.” Castiel puts a couple of cans of New England clam chowder in the cart. “Though unfortunate, it is not surprising. The human mind is not meant to hold thousands of years of memories. And even if it could, perhaps this is part of my-my punishment.”
“Taking your memories is part of losing your angel mojo?” Dean shakes his head. “What about the headaches? The chunk-blowing?”
“The headaches have receded with the onset of my memory loss,” Castiel says as he starts pushing the cart down the aisle again. “Perhaps the strain of holding all my memories up to that point was the root cause of the pain. In any case, the vomiting has become less of an inconvenience as well. Only once a week.”
“You forgetting everything then? Everything before Mountaindale?”
“Not everything,” Castiel says, glancing at Dean. “All my memories relating to you and the events that transpired since I raised you from perdition remain intact. But the time before that has become progressively hazier and more difficult to recall. I suspect that soon I will only have the memory of a memory to remind me.”
Dean grabs a box of cookies and a jumbo bag of potato chips, and tries to think of something to say. “Clearly, I’m the only part of your life worth remembering anyway.”
Castiel huffs out what sounds like a laugh, but it rips at something inside of Dean. “I-I don’t want to forget,” Castiel says softly, and he leans heavily against the handlebar of the cart. “But sometimes I think that if I forget what Heaven felt like, becoming human would be easier.”
“There are parts of being human that aren’t so bad,” Dean says after a pause. “There’s those curly fries you practically swallow without chewing. We could-we could stop by Red, White, and Blue on the way back, grab some to go.”
Castiel lifts his eyes up to meet Dean’s, and the expression on his face is something Dean can’t name. If Dean had to guess, it’d be ‘grateful’ or ‘appreciative’, but it feels softer than that, warmer than that. “There are some things,” Castiel says.
Onto the next chapter: I keep forgetting I'm not in Kansas
3200 words, SPN Dean/Castiel slash. Spoilers for all of season 4.
zelda_zee is my beta and I love her.
Continuing my Welcome to Oz series. Master post of links here.
“Plain cheddar or white cheddar?” Castiel holds up two boxes of macaroni and cheese .
A heart is not judged
“Plain cheddar or white cheddar?” Castiel holds up two boxes of macaroni and cheese for Dean’s inspection.
“Plain,” Dean says. “The white always tastes weird.”
“Okay.” Castiel drops three boxes of plain cheddar macaroni and cheese in the shopping cart.
“School’s starting in less than a month,” Dean says as Castiel begins to push the cart forward. “You’re gonna be a working stiff like the rest of us soon. Unless we get out of this place before then.” The second half feels almost tacked on, a disclaimer Dean’s obligated to say every time he talks about the future. It’s been three months and they still haven’t figured a way out. If Dean’s really honest with himself, sometime after the second month they began to stop trying that hard.
“Before school starts there will be a week of intense training for the teachers. Many meetings. Theoretically, that should help prepare me to teach.”
“Have you learned the math, Cas?” Dean says as he ambles along next to the cart. “That two plus two does not equal two times two?”
“They both equal four, Dean. And I have mastered all the math concepts in the textbooks Alana provided me with,” Castiel says as he puts a jug of milk in the cart. “I also stopped by the library to borrow books relating to second, fourth, and fifth grade math. I believe I have fully mastered those as well.”
“You’re a regular overachiever, aren’t you?” Dean says. He tries for a smirk, but it comes out more of a fond smile. “Probably didn’t imagine you’d end up in a human school teaching human kids when you were up in Heaven, huh?”
Castiel’s expression is carefully neutral as he drops packages of hot dogs and hamburger patties into the cart. “I could not have imagined many things while I was in Heaven.”
“What was Heaven like anyway?” Dean hangs his arms over the side of the cart while Castiel stops again to examine the nutritional label on the side of a can of soup. “Was it all fluffy clouds and harps and smiley faces? Did you guys sit around and hold hands and sing kumbaya all day?”
“I don’t remember,” Castiel says so quietly Dean almost doesn’t hear him.
“You don’t-” Dean straightens up. “I’d think Heaven would be the type of place you’d remember.” He raises an eyebrow. “You yanking my chain here?”
“No,” Castiel replaces the can on the shelf with a small sigh. “My memories of the time before-before this place have been fading. Slowly, steadily, and surely.”
“You got amnesia or something?” Dean says. “When’d this start?”
“A few weeks ago.” Castiel puts a couple of cans of New England clam chowder in the cart. “Though unfortunate, it is not surprising. The human mind is not meant to hold thousands of years of memories. And even if it could, perhaps this is part of my-my punishment.”
“Taking your memories is part of losing your angel mojo?” Dean shakes his head. “What about the headaches? The chunk-blowing?”
“The headaches have receded with the onset of my memory loss,” Castiel says as he starts pushing the cart down the aisle again. “Perhaps the strain of holding all my memories up to that point was the root cause of the pain. In any case, the vomiting has become less of an inconvenience as well. Only once a week.”
“You forgetting everything then? Everything before Mountaindale?”
“Not everything,” Castiel says, glancing at Dean. “All my memories relating to you and the events that transpired since I raised you from perdition remain intact. But the time before that has become progressively hazier and more difficult to recall. I suspect that soon I will only have the memory of a memory to remind me.”
Dean grabs a box of cookies and a jumbo bag of potato chips, and tries to think of something to say. “Clearly, I’m the only part of your life worth remembering anyway.”
Castiel huffs out what sounds like a laugh, but it rips at something inside of Dean. “I-I don’t want to forget,” Castiel says softly, and he leans heavily against the handlebar of the cart. “But sometimes I think that if I forget what Heaven felt like, becoming human would be easier.”
“There are parts of being human that aren’t so bad,” Dean says after a pause. “There’s those curly fries you practically swallow without chewing. We could-we could stop by Red, White, and Blue on the way back, grab some to go.”
Castiel lifts his eyes up to meet Dean’s, and the expression on his face is something Dean can’t name. If Dean had to guess, it’d be ‘grateful’ or ‘appreciative’, but it feels softer than that, warmer than that. “There are some things,” Castiel says.
Onto the next chapter: I keep forgetting I'm not in Kansas