i could never finds the words to say stay

[bawlmer]

 

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Though things like Hairspray would make one believe that the 50's and early 60's were a time of flourishing trade and populace in Baltimore - don't let the media fool you. Sure, people were going out, but as sugar production, as well as tobacco shipping and regular shipping spread more and more up and down the coast, away from the former Monopoly of the Chesapeake, Tallulah found herself sinking more and more into the feeling of uselessness. Of course by then she had gained back her vision, all but distance reading (which she still hasn't really recovered fully), but in the meantime, with the stretching of her scars, as well as her incessant need to be constantly busy even though she was in pain - led her to knock back more and more pain medication.

Her new husband might have been more attentive to her state if they both hadn't been slowly collapsing into the same issues. Hampden, too, was suffering from a bit of economic collapse as people moved out of the factories there to more suburban life, and more suburban jobs. Instead of rising above the drugs and prostitution that swarmed their streets, the both of them seemed to sink into and accept it. While people still bustled on the streets of Baltimore, Tallulah was too busy laughing and teaching her new husband how to manage all of the new, red light businesses that were building. She was no stranger to keeping some of the drug, prostitute, and stripper gross funds for her city's revenue counts, making the city still prosperous for some, while others seemed to sink into the background, much like she was. Of course, Coltin was certified as a doctor, and had nursed her back to health and made sure she stayed seated when she needed to while she was still dealing with sight problems - but she justified her obvious drug use as pain from her scars, or, in the case of other medications, marijuana, whatever she managed to get her hands on, it was only recreational. or at least, so far as she told him. As far as she could tell it was an unspoken fact that she hadn't been alright, or completely present, so far as mentally, since the fire. Maybe she did fry a few brain cells. As far as she could tell, she was having the time of her life. After all, she was newly married, and even though some might have found her new industries morally unacceptable, they were lucrative, and she wasn't about to stand in the way of the things that were keeping her own city away from the collapse that Coltin's now knew very well.

Of course, that acceptance of her fate could only lead to problems further down the road.

Dosages soon piled up, and soon Tallulah was mixing ridiculous amounts of different chemicals to achieve the blank state she craved. The one that left her content to let her stomach rumble, hungry, for days as she laid with that stupid smile on her face, smiling at the ceiling, right next to Coltin, who was even concerned about the fast downward spiral she had begun to ride on like a roller coaster without bumpers or brakes. of course she told him constantly not to be stupid, that she was fine, and she wasn't planning on going anywhere. Most of all, she tended to use the words "I love you." as a weapon, and a way to make him concede to what she wanted which was, above all, him to stop nagging her, to leave her be in her own peaceful little world where she heard, saw, and spoke to no one. Where no one question her, or asked her if she was alright, or tried to baby her. Where, most of all, she was the one that was, foremost, in control of herself. Well, as far as she saw she was in control. She was in control as her body weight dwindled, in control as she laughed in Mary's face because she said she was concerned for her, in control as she basically told everyone to go to hell because she was living how she wanted to.

Though, that wasn't always a completely honest thing. She said she was happy, but when she looked it in the face she was utterly fucking displeased with everything. Most days she and Coltin were fighting with each other, sometimes to the point of violence, if she was at all honest with herself. Not necessary hitting, but they were so close to each other's faces, it almost seemed as though they were an inch from fisticuffs, and of course, Tallulah was never afraid to slap him so hard he would bruise if he 'got out of line' so far as she saw. But when he would leave, and disappear for days, she would be a wreck. She would call him, to tell him she'd caught him lying about working at the hospital, and the only thing she would hear in response was "And you're high! What are you doing at the hospital if you're high? You know what you're going to do to my reputation, Tallulah?"  To which she could only laugh and, at times, scream back:

"AND YOU'RE A MISSING PERSONS CASE, DOCTOR. If you aren't home in fifteen fucking minutes, I'm leaving!" But of course that was a crap shoot. She was always there when he would come home, teary eyed, stone faced, and still sitting in that kitchen chair. They would stare at each other, face off for what seemed like days, before he would make breakfast and she would sit, resigned and beaten, in the kitchen chair until he served her what he was making.

What only added to her problem - and her anger, was that with the building of Johns Hopkins, Coltin looked like he was going to come out of this first. By the 70's Harbor Place was being built, but that didn't seem good enough when the hospital leered from Hampden's town center, laughing in her face and somehow, in her mind, threatening to make him the new Baltimore. The improved Baltimore. Ironically, she did nothing to stop what seemed to be his meteoric rise back to being relevant. Instead she got her hands on whatever she could, whether it was medical, street drug, or the golden drug that only came in glass bottles, and was content to stay in their home for days at a time, locked in her room (since they'd been sleeping in separate rooms for a good period of time at that point), and waiting for him to finally come home and drag her to the nearest hospital so that she wouldn't starve or over dose herself in her own, odd and yet utterly convinced thought that she was finished, that the fire and now this dip in people's interest signaled that she was washed up, and not worth all the work she had, personally, put into her own city.

It was that summer that Coltin and Mary, together, decided that Tallulah needed more professionals than just her (marginally loyal) husband and mother. Of course, she was none to happy to hear the words "rehab", and the ever too played out phrase that they were going to help her "get better."

As far as she saw, she was better off, waiting for that one last time where she'd be vaguely ware of Coltin carrying her into an ER ward to be pumped full of liquids and soft foods to keep her subsisting. But they didn't see it that way, and so she stayed under close watch until it was time for her to move on to the facility, standing as a statue as they hugged her and wished her well, going so far as to shove each of them away if they hugged her for a little too long. She'd told them what she thought of them several times over by now. They'd sold her out. They obviously realized that she was as much of a failure as she had realized, and were only sending her away to make sure she was out of the way and not embarrassing them - particularly Coltin. But she went anyway - rather quietly, too. She braved through withdraws with the same stoic silence - and the same blatant indifference to all of her doctors. But these weren't the days of 90 day rehabilitation centers, where you go, you see, you 'get better.' No, she was staying until they determined she was well enough in both mind and body.

All in all, it took about 2 years for Mary or Coltin to see Tallulah again. Even then she wasn't thrilled to see either of them, though she did give them a warmer welcome than her parting hugs, and even smiled when they said she'd filled back out, and gave them a little conversation time. A little was meant literally. Again she moved into her room in their house - claiming that it would be too much too fast to move back into their old, shared room at this point. After all, she told him - her doctors had told her to take things slowly when she went back home. Another year later, and harbor place was bustling, commerce was coming back and new buildings were springing up everywhere - but there was only one last thing she had to get off of her guilty chest.

She served Coltin his papers within six months, having already secured a new place and a moving team. He didn't want it, but she was convinced that it was something toxic to stay with him. After all, they had been married while she was constantly high, and even then, when they were together too long, she felt herself craving. The smell of his pancakes made her hands twitch because all she was aching for was something to tide her over. She promised him that it was nothing personal, and that she felt he deserved something better, and so she had to let him go. it wasn't until many years later, in something of a moment of honesty, that she told him about how her pill use had been going on behind his back even before he proposed to her - and so, when they were together, somehow her experience tied his presence with those medications. Therefore, she couldn't have stayed married and stayed her regularly sober self,  so while she could still hold his hand when she felt like it, and they could still talk like old times - it was better they stayed friends.

The road only lead up from there, with some temporary bouts with past vices popping up from time to time, the ports often brought in things she'd really ought to simply forget.

The past was the past, though, gone, but never forgotten - since, you know, forgetting would just lead to repeats.

(PART 4 OF 4. Holy crap it's the end! Warnings are for depression, drug use. I listened to lots of HURTS while writing this, so check them out on Youtube. C:)