Big news
Short version:
I want to be a father and I'm looking into adopting (note this isn't going to happen right away!).
If you asked me a few years ago about kids I would have told you "No way in hell" or "I'm too focused on myself right now". Over this past year, thats been changing. The best way to describe how I feel is that I've been having this urge to become a dad. I dont understand it but its been there. I keep telling myself I dont want them. But after time, it feels like I'm having to try harder to convince myself. Or in another scenario, me telling myself I'm straight and fighting my urges to be with another male. While I tell myself one thing, how I feel can be completely different.
Until today I've kept this from everyone. Because this is huge. Honestly it does remind me when I finally came out. I felt it but was afraid of the reaction I'd get from family and such. But it's not something I took lightly, nor is this. Until today not even my boyfriends knew. I joked about it, perhaps testing the waters. But today I told them. I was unsure the reaction, and feared rejection of it. But they seem understanding and supportive however understandably a bit nervous to the idea.
I've been fighting the urge since before I even thought I could have been laid off. As time as gone on, it has leaked into my dreams. My dreams usually show me my fears, but from time to time it also shows me my deepest desires. Since I was young I wanted a good strong and loving family life. I didn't care about a successful job or a lot of money, so long as it was good enough to support my family and keep them happy. I've worked hard over the years and a dream like that is something you can't do alone. My boyfriends have been there with me, helping me with my life goal. While its still not totally complete until Shadow moves in for good, I basically have what I sought out for so many years ago. Now as things begin to settle this urge has been calling at me and getting stronger as time goes by. I'm finally ready to come to terms with it.
I'm looking into everything now. It will still be some time before we act. I will be 27 soon and I'm hoping we will be adopting in 2 to 3 years. I want Shadow to be living with us and for everything to be stable. Both at home and outside of home (such as the economy). Details will be worked out when the time comes. I know this will change not only our lives but a childs as well forever. I think this would be good. I want to help a child grow. To show them the world and prepare them like I was from my family. I want to be there for a kid, help them with their homework and support them in their goals. I want to leave a impression, be someone they look upto and guide them to be the best person they can be.
Our home is very loving. We have three bedrooms and a fenced in back yard. We're a lil more than a block away from the school and the bus comes right to our door anyways. Our dogs are very friendly though energetic. I just don't know how to say it any other way but, I want this. I want to share our lives with a child and guide them through life. It wont be easy or all fun. But the best relationships are ones that can face a challenge. I've done so so many times before. I think we're ready to do this. It will be a while yet but in a few years I think things will be in better shape. If the urge is still there, I will do anything to become a father.
I posted here when I graduated, came out and announced I'm gay, started a relationship with Rally and then again with Shadow and when Rally and I bought our first house. Those are only some of the huge life events I've had since I have had my journal on here. And now another life change I felt I needed to post. Me becoming a father.
I want to be a father and I'm looking into adopting (note this isn't going to happen right away!).
If you asked me a few years ago about kids I would have told you "No way in hell" or "I'm too focused on myself right now". Over this past year, thats been changing. The best way to describe how I feel is that I've been having this urge to become a dad. I dont understand it but its been there. I keep telling myself I dont want them. But after time, it feels like I'm having to try harder to convince myself. Or in another scenario, me telling myself I'm straight and fighting my urges to be with another male. While I tell myself one thing, how I feel can be completely different.
Until today I've kept this from everyone. Because this is huge. Honestly it does remind me when I finally came out. I felt it but was afraid of the reaction I'd get from family and such. But it's not something I took lightly, nor is this. Until today not even my boyfriends knew. I joked about it, perhaps testing the waters. But today I told them. I was unsure the reaction, and feared rejection of it. But they seem understanding and supportive however understandably a bit nervous to the idea.
I've been fighting the urge since before I even thought I could have been laid off. As time as gone on, it has leaked into my dreams. My dreams usually show me my fears, but from time to time it also shows me my deepest desires. Since I was young I wanted a good strong and loving family life. I didn't care about a successful job or a lot of money, so long as it was good enough to support my family and keep them happy. I've worked hard over the years and a dream like that is something you can't do alone. My boyfriends have been there with me, helping me with my life goal. While its still not totally complete until Shadow moves in for good, I basically have what I sought out for so many years ago. Now as things begin to settle this urge has been calling at me and getting stronger as time goes by. I'm finally ready to come to terms with it.
I'm looking into everything now. It will still be some time before we act. I will be 27 soon and I'm hoping we will be adopting in 2 to 3 years. I want Shadow to be living with us and for everything to be stable. Both at home and outside of home (such as the economy). Details will be worked out when the time comes. I know this will change not only our lives but a childs as well forever. I think this would be good. I want to help a child grow. To show them the world and prepare them like I was from my family. I want to be there for a kid, help them with their homework and support them in their goals. I want to leave a impression, be someone they look upto and guide them to be the best person they can be.
Our home is very loving. We have three bedrooms and a fenced in back yard. We're a lil more than a block away from the school and the bus comes right to our door anyways. Our dogs are very friendly though energetic. I just don't know how to say it any other way but, I want this. I want to share our lives with a child and guide them through life. It wont be easy or all fun. But the best relationships are ones that can face a challenge. I've done so so many times before. I think we're ready to do this. It will be a while yet but in a few years I think things will be in better shape. If the urge is still there, I will do anything to become a father.
I posted here when I graduated, came out and announced I'm gay, started a relationship with Rally and then again with Shadow and when Rally and I bought our first house. Those are only some of the huge life events I've had since I have had my journal on here. And now another life change I felt I needed to post. Me becoming a father.