funny article
Sooo the most hysterical article was in the Collegian today.
I've bolded the best bits. :)
"The Condition My Condition Is In"
by Devon Courtney
There are too many new diseases and syndromes coming out of the woodwork these days. Flipping through television channels on your couch will probably give you all the information you need about Attention Deficit Disorder, Manic Depression, Anxiety, Imminent Death Syndrome, Restless Leg Syndrome, and so on down the line.
At first, I thought that all of these "diseases" and "disorders" were imaginary. They must have been crafted by accidental discoveries in medications made by the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical industry. The corniness factor shot up to maximum when I stumbled upon a support group website for people with Restless Leg Syndrome. At www.rls.org, they talk about "RLS" as a devastating "disease which severely affects the lives of millions of Americans."
This had to be the most bogus thing I had ever heard. This severe, life-shattering "disease," which is described as "a neurological condition that is characterized by the irresistible urge to move the legs," had to have been created only a few years ago, yet sufferers allegedly already number in the millions. I refused to believe that this was a legitimate condition, and surmised that it must have been another opportunity for drug companies to use fear to market yet another pill. I believed this blindly.
That is until I was diagnosed with a similar disease.
You can probably imagine the comic irony, the blind fear I experienced, and the long lines of people with similar diseases lining up at my front door to say "I told you so!"
This year, I was diagnosed with SES, or Spontaneous Erection Syndrome, a disease which affects mostly males. Before you share your reactions with me, I would first like to say that this has been a difficult and trying week for me. I am actively fighting this debilitating syndrome with the love and support of friends, family, and household pets. I am participating in a strict regimen of healthy eating, active exercising, and specific medications that are between 15 percent and 80 percent alcoholic. I won't be going down without a fight.
I must address those of you who will attack me with my own argument. This disease is not new, or a fad; it's at least 10-years-old. I know this because my doctor informed me with a heavy heart that I (whether I knew it or not) have been suffering from SES since the onset of puberty.
You might be curious to know what some of my symptoms are, so that you know what to be prepared for. I experience such terrifying symptoms each day such as the swelling of my groin area, breakouts of conversational tics about the hotness levels of certain females who pass me by, an exponential increase in the frequency of masturbation, and a strong desire to have sexual intercourse with females in my vicinity (which is exacerbated by excessive alcohol consumption).
However unjust this all may seem, I have been assured that science, research, and medicine are all teaming up to help slow the onset of SES. Scientists are performing research to see if lifestyle changes or medicinal cures can assist people like me. Different methods have been experimented with, including displacement of male subjects to all male schools and living communities, tying the subject's member with twine to one of the legs, cold showers or ice water on the groin, and routine viewings of highly unattractive people in the nude.
Progress has been slow, which is sad news for the millions and millions of sufferers in the United States alone. Not much has been achieved with modern medicine. Even drugs which render the subject unconscious have yielded few positive results. If the afflicted person is sedated while lying on their front side, the ensuing "wet-dream" that the subject will inevitably experience will seemingly cause the subject to levitate approximately six inches in the air. As one might imagine, this can be very frightening for loved ones to witness.
I am taking better care of myself in a combative effort to reduce the dramatic effects of this condition. In staged therapy sessions, I am giving the parts of my body which are most affected massages with lubricating oils. I am trying hard to keep my spirits up. It will be a long and hard journey, but I plan on staying hands on and resisting the friction of life's challenges with my best efforts. I plan on giving it a good whack, and if anything, I'll at least know that I have given it my best shot.
Until this situation comes to a conclusion, I've created a support group of my own. At my groups' website, www.SpontaneousErectionSyndrome.org, people can learn about all of the symptoms and characteristics of the disease, read a catchy slogan that exaggerates the effects of this condition on loved ones, join forums to discuss their experiences, or write an editorial making fun of it.
Unfortunately, the site has only had a handful of visitors, and I have speculated a couple of reasons for this: either the name is too long to type into a web browser, or people think it's porn.
No one should have to suffer.
So this made me laugh so hard. It was amazing.
I've bolded the best bits. :)
"The Condition My Condition Is In"
by Devon Courtney
There are too many new diseases and syndromes coming out of the woodwork these days. Flipping through television channels on your couch will probably give you all the information you need about Attention Deficit Disorder, Manic Depression, Anxiety, Imminent Death Syndrome, Restless Leg Syndrome, and so on down the line.
At first, I thought that all of these "diseases" and "disorders" were imaginary. They must have been crafted by accidental discoveries in medications made by the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical industry. The corniness factor shot up to maximum when I stumbled upon a support group website for people with Restless Leg Syndrome. At www.rls.org, they talk about "RLS" as a devastating "disease which severely affects the lives of millions of Americans."
This had to be the most bogus thing I had ever heard. This severe, life-shattering "disease," which is described as "a neurological condition that is characterized by the irresistible urge to move the legs," had to have been created only a few years ago, yet sufferers allegedly already number in the millions. I refused to believe that this was a legitimate condition, and surmised that it must have been another opportunity for drug companies to use fear to market yet another pill. I believed this blindly.
That is until I was diagnosed with a similar disease.
You can probably imagine the comic irony, the blind fear I experienced, and the long lines of people with similar diseases lining up at my front door to say "I told you so!"
This year, I was diagnosed with SES, or Spontaneous Erection Syndrome, a disease which affects mostly males. Before you share your reactions with me, I would first like to say that this has been a difficult and trying week for me. I am actively fighting this debilitating syndrome with the love and support of friends, family, and household pets. I am participating in a strict regimen of healthy eating, active exercising, and specific medications that are between 15 percent and 80 percent alcoholic. I won't be going down without a fight.
I must address those of you who will attack me with my own argument. This disease is not new, or a fad; it's at least 10-years-old. I know this because my doctor informed me with a heavy heart that I (whether I knew it or not) have been suffering from SES since the onset of puberty.
You might be curious to know what some of my symptoms are, so that you know what to be prepared for. I experience such terrifying symptoms each day such as the swelling of my groin area, breakouts of conversational tics about the hotness levels of certain females who pass me by, an exponential increase in the frequency of masturbation, and a strong desire to have sexual intercourse with females in my vicinity (which is exacerbated by excessive alcohol consumption).
However unjust this all may seem, I have been assured that science, research, and medicine are all teaming up to help slow the onset of SES. Scientists are performing research to see if lifestyle changes or medicinal cures can assist people like me. Different methods have been experimented with, including displacement of male subjects to all male schools and living communities, tying the subject's member with twine to one of the legs, cold showers or ice water on the groin, and routine viewings of highly unattractive people in the nude.
Progress has been slow, which is sad news for the millions and millions of sufferers in the United States alone. Not much has been achieved with modern medicine. Even drugs which render the subject unconscious have yielded few positive results. If the afflicted person is sedated while lying on their front side, the ensuing "wet-dream" that the subject will inevitably experience will seemingly cause the subject to levitate approximately six inches in the air. As one might imagine, this can be very frightening for loved ones to witness.
I am taking better care of myself in a combative effort to reduce the dramatic effects of this condition. In staged therapy sessions, I am giving the parts of my body which are most affected massages with lubricating oils. I am trying hard to keep my spirits up. It will be a long and hard journey, but I plan on staying hands on and resisting the friction of life's challenges with my best efforts. I plan on giving it a good whack, and if anything, I'll at least know that I have given it my best shot.
Until this situation comes to a conclusion, I've created a support group of my own. At my groups' website, www.SpontaneousErectionSyndrome.org, people can learn about all of the symptoms and characteristics of the disease, read a catchy slogan that exaggerates the effects of this condition on loved ones, join forums to discuss their experiences, or write an editorial making fun of it.
Unfortunately, the site has only had a handful of visitors, and I have speculated a couple of reasons for this: either the name is too long to type into a web browser, or people think it's porn.
No one should have to suffer.
So this made me laugh so hard. It was amazing.