Top Ten Rules for Riding in My Car
Top Ten Rules for Riding in My Car
1.) No smoking - ever - even with the windows down. If you must smoke, use a nicotine patch or chew Nicorette gum instead and refer to Rule #2. Or wait until the next stop where you can clog up your lungs outside of my car. Then you will air out your clothes before you can re-enter my vehicle.
2.) No eating. The lone exception is chewing gum as long as you do not blow bubbles. And do not dare stick the used gum in or under the glove box while I'm not looking! The corollary also applies: no drinking, unless it is bottled water. Leave it in the cup holder with the cap closed to prevent spillage since I have a penchant for driving aggressively.
3.) No vomiting. If you feel nauseous, then ask me to pull my automobile over. As you are puking on the ground, I will leave your sorry ass behind. However, if I consider you a close friend, I may call you a taxicab. You should carry sufficient cash.
4.) No sneezing. If you cannot control it, roll down the passenger window and sneeze to your right. When the slobber flies back in your face, ask for a tissue. Use it, not your sleeves, because your sleeves will probably touch my leather seats. Furthermore, you shall never pick an orifice and wipe the effluent on the aforementioned seats.
5.) No sweating or farting. Perspiration and flatulence will not be tolerated at all! If you happen to let one go and it stains my leather seats, I will send you to a hospital.
6.) No sex. Even if you are a recent Miss Playboy model of the month. Despite such temptation, this will be the deal. If you are that fine, I shall drive full throttle in 6th gear until I find a nearby cheap hotel. Then we will get it on like nature intended.
7.) No unfastening your seatbelt. Its raison d'être is beyond ornamental. It is to be used so that your dense head does not crack my expensive windshield when I stomp on my brakes.
8.) No playing with any of my gauges. You are entitled to use and reposition the two (2) passenger-side vents. If you are uncomfortable with the temperature setting, politely inform me, and I may consider changing it. Most importantly, I am my car's DJ. I set the music; that is undebatable.
9.) No ridiculing my shifting skills. When I redline my car, you will compliment my driving proficiency. Even if I lose to a riced out Civic, you will say that I only lost because it used nitrous and turbo. Additionally, you will admit your fat ass weighed down my auto.
10.) As the owner and operator of this vehicle, none of the above rules apply to me. I may do exactly as I please, whenever I please, within the reasonable bounds of the law of whatever municipality my automobile and I happen to be in at the time. You may never complain that I am infringing any of the above rules.
Thank you; enjoy the ride.
copyright "beowulf7" @ CRSX
one point i would like to add is:
11.) Under no circumstance should anyone lay/stand/sit/rest on the hood. Yes, that means you, Terence.