am i living my dreams (or am i losing it)
baekhyun/jongdae
pg-13 | ~4.2k
Baekhyun wasn't wrong when he said that there's no way he and Jongdae can be friends-not when one of them is bound to reach a dream robbed from the other.
note: title from bangtan's so4more. written for thedaelight, originally here
It's the first day of the tenth month of them sharing a room in the dorm. Baekhyun knows not because he cares for details, or at all, for that matter, but because Jongdae is a sap who insists on them taking a commemorative selca at the beginning of every month. To record our progress, he would always reason, and Baekhyun doesn't even try to avoid it anymore because Jongdae is an expert at nagging.
The pictures of their bare faces from month to month are plastered on a board next to the mirror. A huge, tacky, extremely-unnecessary "ROAD TO DEBUT! x)" is written on top in Jongdae's messy scrawl. All their other trainee friends have laughed at each and every picture, and if they finally debut, this board is probably the first thing they need to burn.
Baekhyun has nothing against taking cute pictures for this cute project, but when he's exhausted from practice, taking a selca with his equally sweaty roommate is the last thing he wants to do. Still, no amount of sweat and exhaustion can stop Jongdae from getting what he wants. "You're like one of those mothers who take pictures of their kid for every silly event they go to," Baekhyun complains, arms crossed in front of his chest as Jongdae picks up his camera from the table before standing next to Baekhyun.
"And you're my roommate, so live with it," retorts Jongdae, pulling Baekhyun closer and pressing the sides of their faces together. He holds his instax up with one hand and puts the other around Baekhyun's shoulder. "Smile for the camera, my son!"
He says it's stupid and pointless, also that the photos always come out ugly and embarrassing, but Baekhyun knows that for whatever reason, this little ritual is important for Jongdae. So he puts up a V and smiles for the camera, hoping that the next time they take a selca will be the day they finally debut.
*
Baekhyun doesn't know who paired them up together in the dorms, but he has reason to believe that it was God. They clicked instantly-the first meeting with Jongdae didn't feel like getting a new friend, it felt like finding a lost one. Jongdae is close to the only thing that makes Baekhyun cope with the exhausting life of being a trainee, and even makes it enjoyable.
"I still can't believe you hate cucumber," Jongdae comments over breakfast, amused. He forks the slices of cucumber on Baekhyun's plates and puts them in his mouth. "I love them."
Baekhyun, in turn, picks up the last piece of chicken on Jongdae's plate. "I can't believe you hate chicken."
"I literally have never said that," Jongdae whines, belatedly realizing that the last piece of protein is gone from his plate. "I hate you," he sulks.
Baekhyun offers a grin as his apology, and when Jongdae doesn't stop pouting offers him his last piece of chicken. Jongdae excitedly opens his mouth and lets Baekhyun feed him.
"You two look married," Sehun complains in disgust from the other side of the table.
"We are, you weren't invited," Baekhyun and Jongdae reply at the same time. They grin at each other and high-five to appreciate their synchronization. Everyone else does not look impressed.
Match made in heaven, honestly.
*
The announcement comes like a snowstorm that arrives two months too early, after dance practice on an October afternoon. The man who makes it looks out of place, wearing a suit and fancy shoes among trainees in sweaty t-shirts and baggy pants. "We're debuting six," informs Mr. Lee.
Baekhyun wishes that Mr. Lee doesn't look as calm as he does, as if not knowing that the information he's relaying is life-changing for some and extremely important for the others. But Mr. Lee proceeds with the same composure. "The confirmed ones are Minseok," he nods towards Minseok, who accepts the news with a wide smile, repeatedly bowing and saying thank you. "Joonmyun," Mr. Lee looks up with a little proud smile, maybe remembering the child he first saw seven years ago, the one who is now sobbing on the floor, with Minseok holding him from the side. Mr. Lee returns to his notes. "And Kyungsoo," he finishes. Baekhyun naturally moves his hand to pat Kyungsoo on the back, trying to convey congratulations and ignore the jealousy burning inside of his chest.
They picked Kyungsoo. Not him, or Jongdae, but Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, who has a hard time keeping a note steady. Kyungsoo, whose range isn't even half as wide as Jongdae's, whose live singing isn't half as strong as Baekhyun's. Baekhyun feels terrible about feeling so bitter about Kyungsoo getting confirmed for debut, but he just can't understand why.
"You will be debuting on March," Mr. Lee states. "Early April, at the latest," he continues, "so the members should be decided by January."
It's too soon but not soon enough-too sudden but expected. Baekhyun feels confusion and excitement and nervousness swarm inside him and he wants to throw up. The ones confirmed for debut can barely contain their happiness, while the ones who aren't look like a mix of everything Baekhyun feels-doubt and uncertainty and high expectation and fear of disappointment.
"The rest of you," Mr. Lee pauses, addressing the unconfirmed trainees. Baekhyun wants to punch him in the face for the pointless suspense. "You're going on a survival show."
*
They put two and two together and spend the night in their room, lamenting on how unfair life is. Three spots available. Seven people remaining. Two dancers, three rappers, two vocalists-Baekhyun and Jongdae are up against each other.
Jongdae rests his head on Baekhyun's shoulder. Baekhyun nuzzles Jongdae's hair. "May the best man win?" he mumbles, desperate for anything to replace silence.
Jongdae laughs. At least Jongdae laughs. "May the best man win," he echoes.
The silence returns.
*
Baekhyun doesn't know what he expected when he heard the words survival show, but it certainly wasn't this. Cameras set up around the dorm and practice rooms, new scripts sent in every morning, lines to remember, and exact people to interact with. He and Jongdae had a good laugh the first time they read their scripts, but a month into the competition, it's just no longer amusing.
Vocal training and dance practices run as usual, only with additional cameras and a lot more meaningless conversations as fillers for the show. Photo classes and public speaking trainings now have challenges, and a huge scoreboard is placed in the dorm's living room. Baekhyun pretends not to care, acting like he's just being the same hardworking trainee he's always been, but every time he returns to the dorm at night, he glances to the scoreboard and counts the points he needs to beat Jongdae's. He slowly realizes that it's almost always him that needs to catch up to Jongdae.
Competitions mess with your head, Baekhyun finds, because he doesn't feel like celebrating anymore when Jongdae gets great reviews in vocal class. Every new note Jongdae reaches is a direct hit at Baekhyun's chance to debut, and Baekhyun has to fake smiles and pretend that it doesn't bother him when Jongdae succeeds. All the while, Jongdae still supports him with warm smiles and excited applauses for every praises Baekhyun receives from the coaches. Jongdae is a sweetheart, in the most sincere form of the word, real and unscripted, and Baekhyun really needs him to stop.
Tonight Baekhyun finds Jongdae awake, sitting on the bed with music scores in his hands. "Hey," he greets when Baekhyun enters the room. "You're up late."
"Yeah," Baekhyun replies. He knows that Jongdae is aware of the distance Baekhyun has tried to put up between them, because in the end Jongdae knows him almost better than Baekhyun knows himself. He wonders if he should try to apologize before their relationship gets too broken to repair. "I was just downstairs," he tries to converse.
But then, "Miss Choi asked me to manage vocal training tomorrow," Jongdae tells him. "I was wondering if you could help me out."
Something snaps inside of Baekhyun. He doesn't know why he jumps to the conclusion that their vocal trainer favors Jongdae over him, trusts Jongdae more than she does him, and therefore confirms his defeat, but the stress of the competition has gotten way too deep into him and it's all he cares about. He cannot tell how or when he became this person-a sorry excuse of a friend who can't take other people winning, this person who keeps comparing himself to his friends and realizing that he's never better than them.
Baekhyun hisses out a no before he could stop himself. Jongdae looks surprised by Baekhyun's answer, immediately looking up and at Baekhyun with a frown. "She asked you," Baekhyun explains curtly.
They engage in a staring match with way too much tension than Baekhyun thinks is necessary. Baekhyun wonders if he should have been the bigger person-take back his words and apologize over the whole thing. Then again this whole thing happens because Baekhyun is never the bigger person. He's a sore loser, with too much pride to admit how much Jongdae irritates him, how much Jongdae threatens him, how much Jongdae scares him.
"Baekhyun," Jongdae finally begins, muttering the name carefully. "Are we okay?"
Baekhyun considers continuing the pretense he's kept up for the last couple of weeks, but then he thinks about how much easier it would be if he doesn't have to. "No, Jongdae," he decides finally. It's the first truth he's told Jongdae since the competition started, the first one he doesn't have to script for himself before saying. "I can't be friends with you anymore."
*
It's the first day of their twelfth month together. Baekhyun knows not because he takes the monthly selca with Jongdae, but because Jongdae stands in front of his table with his camera at the ready, hesitantly looking at Baekhyun, who walks past him and to practice without so much as sparing a glance. They haven't been friends for nearly two months, now, and Baekhyun doesn't understand why Jongdae still tries.
Why, Jongdae had asked him that night, like it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard, and maybe it was. Baekhyun didn't have an answer. It's stupid, but it's easy, and that was all the reason Baekhyun needed. "I don't know what to tell you when I win," Baekhyun had said anyway, "I don't know how to congratulate you when I lose."
Jongdae laughed like it was the stupidest thing he's ever heard. Baekhyun stayed silent because it was the truth. Jongdae stopped laughing and said out loud that it was stupid. Baekhyun ignored him and went to bed.
Baekhyun hears the sound of Jongdae's polaroid from inside their room and wonders just how stupid the whole thing really is.
*
The moment he decided to enter entertainment industry, Baekhyun is aware that it's all about putting up a front. He always thinks that he's prepared. He apparently isn't.
Social media reaction has defined him and Jongdae as the viewer's favorite couple, or so Baekhyun had overheard from the show's writers. Baekhyun understands that this is why he finds himself paired up with his roommate again and again in challenges. Baekhyun doesn't understand the rapid beating of his heart every time Jongdae gets too close to him in photo shoots, or the way his stomach tightens when their voices harmonize into one.
Baekhyun didn't use to believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, or that one does not know what they have until it's gone, but now that it happens, Baekhyun thinks that that's screwed up. He spends his days close to Jongdae, joking around and being friends because he knows that's what the viewers want. He devotes his nights to avoiding Jongdae, although Jongdae is lying on his own bed, merely three steps away from Baekhyun. It's the closest and farthest away he's ever been to Jongdae and if it confuses Baekhyun this much, it probably confuses Jongdae even more. Baekhyun tries not to care.
"Baekhyun," Jongdae calls that night, after dance practice as everyone else prepares to return to the dorm. Jongdae doesn't call him off-camera anymore, probably too hurt by his actions, most definitely allowed to be so. Baekhyun doesn't call Jongdae off-camera anymore, too scared of his own feeling and too protective of his own pride.
Baekhyun decides not to turn around and moves on with his business. "Baekhyun," Jongdae repeats impatiently. Baekhyun can almost hear him whine the way he would if they were still friends, and Baekhyun hates how much he misses the sound, so Baekhyun ignores him. Jongdae sighs, "I just need help with our dance, okay?"
"It's for your own score, too, we're paired up, remember?" Jongdae snaps when Baekhyun still heads towards the door. Baekhyun considers ignoring him, but Jongdae's right-it's for his own score, too. He turns and drops his bag on the side, approaching Jongdae in the middle of the room.
"Okay," he starts. It's terrible to be alone with Jongdae. It's even worse that there aren't any cameras around. Baekhyun has nothing to focus on but Jongdae, and his long lashes and his pretty lips, his tousled hair and Baekhyun's heart beating so hard in his chest. "Which part do you need help with?"
Jongdae needs help with everything, Baekhyun decides after Jongdae demonstrates his current state. They spend the entire night practicing, breathing on each others' neck as Baekhyun stands behind Jongdae and tries to put his hands in the right position, tries to get his feet pointing the right direction. Baekhyun doesn't have the energy to stop himself from laughing when Jongdae turns the wrong way, makes the funniest face he doesn't mean to make, and looks pretty much ridiculous in sophisticated dance moves. Jongdae doesn't mind, laughing along instead, and for the rest of the night, Baekhyun feels like he's getting his best friend back.
They stop at 2 a.m., sprawled in the center of the practice room almost on top of each other, and Baekhyun isn't sure if his chest is heaving from the exhaustion of dancing or the proximity of Jongdae's skin. "Thanks, Baekhyun," Jongdae mumbles. Baekhyun hums, glancing to his side where Jongdae lies down with his eyes closed, catching his breath. Jongdae opens his eyes and turns his head to Baekhyun. Too close. "Let's get something to eat!" Jongdae cheers. His smile is too bright for this time of the day.
In another life, the two of them will grab some ramyun at the convenience store, laugh until the morning comes and go to practice without sleeping. Jongdae will rest his head on Baekhyun's shoulder as he whines out of exhaustion and they will be best friends for life, debuting together and singing duets on the world's biggest stages. In a story where it doesn't hurt to fall in love with Jongdae, Baekhyun would probably let himself do just that.
Baekhyun remembers what he should and should not be doing, then stands up and grabs his bag. "I can't," he mutters.
You don't get to choose the universe in which you live, and in this one, Baekhyun goes home alone.
*
Baekhyun and Jongdae win the dance challenge. They go on a Seoul day out as their prize, accompanied with camera crews to document their date. Baekhyun has a taste of popularity when people recognize them on the street; when he can't even finish his coffee without thirty different strangers asking for photos and autographs.
He laughs and jokes with Jongdae, loses track of which ones are fake and which ones are genuine, and doesn't really care. Jongdae looks sincere, though, maybe he's just persistent like that-still believing that they're friends despite Baekhyun's shitty attitude. Baekhyun hates that it makes him like Jongdae even more.
Baekhyun almost believes that he'd choose Jongdae over fame and popularity, but then he comes home to a scoreboard that has Jongdae's name above his own. Baekhyun enters their room and goes back to ignoring Jongdae.
*
Christmas for Baekhyun has always been a family thing-warm and noisy with hugs and kisses and reckless comments at each other that sometimes hurt but most of the time forgiven. This little party the company throws together for them, on the other hand, is scripted hugs and fabricated kisses and made up warm conversations. Baekhyun grins throughout the entire thing, and almost doesn't have to pretend to have a great time.
The shooting ends and Sehun turns up the music to an annoying volume and starts dancing way too close to Jongin. "Might as well party, right?" Chanyeol exclaims, handing everyone a cup of whatever alcohol the company generously provided them. For once Baekhyun agrees. He empties his cup in one go, immediately feeling dizzy as he gets up to get a refill-it's been too long since his last drink, and he's never been that good with handling them, anyway. But with the final announcement just a week away, Baekhyun figures there's no better time to let loose and get wasted.
Jongdae is standing on the other side of the table as Baekhyun pours his fifth-or sixth, tenth, who even counts anymore-drink of the night. Baekhyun notices the way Jongdae frowns at him, probably judging him hard and thinking about how much better he is than Baekhyun will ever be. Baekhyun gulps the entire content of his paper cup, and readies himself for another refill.
"You really should stop," Jongdae mutters, taking the cup away from Baekhyun. "Look, I get that we're not friends and all, but you really look awful."
Baekhyun scoffs. "You're right, we're not friends," he slurs, looking away from Jongdae because the alcohol makes him look a hundred times better. Jongdae fits cozy knitwear so well-he looks warm and friendly and safe and comfortable. Jongdae feels like home and Baekhyun doesn't want to go home just yet. "So leave me alone and let me drink, asshole."
Baekhyun hates how fragile and vulnerable Jongdae acts sometimes. He hates that only Baekhyun's words seem to do that to him, because Jongdae survives harsh critics for his dancing just fine and gets through exhausting practices okay, but he looks so battered and broken whenever Baekhyun snaps at him. Baekhyun is so close to opening his mouth for an apology, but Jongdae takes a small wrapped gift out of his pocket and hands it hastily to Baekhyun.
"Merry Christmas, Baekhyun," Jongdae mumbles as he walks away. Baekhyun watches as Jongdae approaches Minseok and leans his head on the elder's shoulder. He sees the way Minseok's eyes flits towards him for a second before turning to Jongdae and smiling wide to cheer him up. It feels weird when Jongdae smiles back, because maybe Baekhyun wants to be the one making him smile. Baekhyun really doesn't know what he wants. It's hard enough when he's sober-it's impossible when his mind is all bubbles of liquid and feelings and pain and feelings.
Baekhyun rips the wrapping off the gift in his hand, all the while trying to ignore the tiny little voices inside his mind scolding how come you didn't get him anything. Baekhyun wants to get it over with, to open the gift and hate it, to throw it away and forget about hurting Jongdae. Baekhyun doesn't want to find two of Jongdae's monthly polaroids in a beautiful wooden frame. Baekhyun doesn't want to love it, and Baekhyun doesn't want to start reading the note that comes with it, the one that says, you missed two, but I took them for you. Let's take it together again next month! Baekhyun doesn't want to feel like a jerk, but tonight everything he doesn't want happens, and everything he wants doesn't.
It's the alcohol. It's the dimmed light and the crazy lighting. It's the Christmas spirit getting lost in a bunch of strangers playing family-it's Jongdae ruining their nonexistent friendship by being too nice for Baekhyun to hate him. It would be so much easier to live if only Jongdae were just a little bit unpleasant to be around; if only he doesn't fit Baekhyun's every ideal of a man, if only he didn't catch Baekhyun's attention from the very first note Baekhyun had ever heard him sing.
Baekhyun blames everything but himself for all the conflicting feelings, and Baekhyun wants it over once and for all. He stomps towards Jongdae, unsteady and angry and unable to sort out all the other emotions he's feeling. He tries to pull Jongdae out of the room, ending up muttering outside and getting an unsure Jongdae to help him out.
"I hate you," he blurts once they're outside. Jongdae looks even better under more decent lighting, and Baekhyun is honestly pissed off. Jongdae isn't supposed to look this good. Baekhyun isn't supposed to be so infatuated with the person who is taking away all of his dreams and his hard work and his future. Baekhyun wants so much for his words to be true, but they aren't.
Jongdae stares at him dully, and Baekhyun wishes that Jongdae would say I hate you too and leave him alone in the halls of the building, but he doesn't. Instead, Jongdae keeps staring, each second seemingly closer than before, and all Baekhyun can think about is how easy it would be for him to kiss Jongdae, future complications aside.
So he does.
Jongdae kisses back like he expected it. He probably did. Jongdae knows him almost better than Baekhyun knows himself, after all. Jongdae's lips are as soft as they look, and Baekhyun wishes that he had done this sooner, and more sober. He puts his hand to cup Jongdae's face, pulling him closer even when it's nearly impossible.
"Don't you fucking dare forget this tomorrow," Jongdae growls into Baekhyun's mouth, gripping his hair and making Baekhyun whine into the kiss. Baekhyun doubts that he ever will.
Jongdae presses their foreheads together. Baekhyun can smell the alcohol in his own breath, and none in Jongdae's. "I'm sorry," Jongdae mumbles. Baekhyun can't believe what he's hearing. "Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I miss you, Baekhyun."
Baekhyun wonders how different things would be if only he believed in himself. If only he believed that his own skills and talents are enough to eventually beat Jongdae to debut. But Baekhyun doubts himself more than anyone else, confirming his own defeat from the start. "I'm sorry, Jongdae," Baekhyun replies. Being drunk makes it so much easier to spill out the truth. Being drunk makes him rest his head on Jongdae's shoulder, admitting defeat with tears in his face. "Congratulations on your debut."
*
The lights are dimmed above Sehun's and Zitao's and Yixing's head, and bright yellow on top of Chanyeol and Jongin. The crowd murmurs in anticipation. Suspense is built and keeps building as the MC pauses on every single end of his sentences. Baekhyun feels Jongdae's hand reaching out for his, squeezing as if trying to calm him down. Baekhyun turns to see Jongdae smiling, and Baekhyun sincerely smiles back. He knows he's going to lose. He's probably ready to face it.
Baekhyun swears he can hear three different people whispering how could they pin best friends against each other in the crowds. He hates that they treat his dreams as nothing but a game.
"And the final member," another pause, "is-"
There are loud cheers and sights of disappointment among the audience, but all the pain and joy that Baekhyun feels are from the inside, and he can't quite decide which one is stronger.
*
XO15 debuts in March, as promised, all bright lights and fancy costumes, stylish hair and thick make-ups. Baekhyun wasn't wrong when he said that there's no way he and Jongdae can be friends, with one of them bound to reach a dream robbed from the other. He was, however, wrong about the result.
"Congrats," Jongdae tells him. He's smiling, detached and emotionless and forced, and Baekhyun can't believe that it's making him sad on his debut day. "Amazing stage," Jongdae adds, handing Baekhyun a bouquet of flower before walking away from the waiting room.
Baekhyun grabs Jongdae's hand before his mind can register what he's doing. So when he stares straight at Jongdae's cold, distant eyes, he has no words to reply Jongdae's snappish "What?"
"I-," Baekhyun realizes that he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to tell Jongdae to please be happy for him-not when he's been nothing but unpleasant to Jongdae throughout the competition. The thing going right in Baekhyun's life is the exact same thing going wrong in Jongdae's and Baekhyun doesn't know how to make it better. "Are we okay?" he asks finally.
Jongdae snorts. He looks at Baekhyun incredulously and Baekhyun can only look back, empty and sad despite having just reached his dream. "No we're not, Baekhyun," he answers easily. "You're right, this is too hard."
Jongdae walks away from him, and Baekhyun starts to wonder how precious this debut really is for him. He asks himself if it's worth losing the person who helped him get through the most torturous months of his life. He considers running after Jongdae, telling him he's sorry and saying whatever's needed to get Jongdae to come back and forgive him.
Baekhyun decides to stop thinking, and shuts the door behind him.
pg-13 | ~4.2k
Baekhyun wasn't wrong when he said that there's no way he and Jongdae can be friends-not when one of them is bound to reach a dream robbed from the other.
note: title from bangtan's so4more. written for thedaelight, originally here
It's the first day of the tenth month of them sharing a room in the dorm. Baekhyun knows not because he cares for details, or at all, for that matter, but because Jongdae is a sap who insists on them taking a commemorative selca at the beginning of every month. To record our progress, he would always reason, and Baekhyun doesn't even try to avoid it anymore because Jongdae is an expert at nagging.
The pictures of their bare faces from month to month are plastered on a board next to the mirror. A huge, tacky, extremely-unnecessary "ROAD TO DEBUT! x)" is written on top in Jongdae's messy scrawl. All their other trainee friends have laughed at each and every picture, and if they finally debut, this board is probably the first thing they need to burn.
Baekhyun has nothing against taking cute pictures for this cute project, but when he's exhausted from practice, taking a selca with his equally sweaty roommate is the last thing he wants to do. Still, no amount of sweat and exhaustion can stop Jongdae from getting what he wants. "You're like one of those mothers who take pictures of their kid for every silly event they go to," Baekhyun complains, arms crossed in front of his chest as Jongdae picks up his camera from the table before standing next to Baekhyun.
"And you're my roommate, so live with it," retorts Jongdae, pulling Baekhyun closer and pressing the sides of their faces together. He holds his instax up with one hand and puts the other around Baekhyun's shoulder. "Smile for the camera, my son!"
He says it's stupid and pointless, also that the photos always come out ugly and embarrassing, but Baekhyun knows that for whatever reason, this little ritual is important for Jongdae. So he puts up a V and smiles for the camera, hoping that the next time they take a selca will be the day they finally debut.
*
Baekhyun doesn't know who paired them up together in the dorms, but he has reason to believe that it was God. They clicked instantly-the first meeting with Jongdae didn't feel like getting a new friend, it felt like finding a lost one. Jongdae is close to the only thing that makes Baekhyun cope with the exhausting life of being a trainee, and even makes it enjoyable.
"I still can't believe you hate cucumber," Jongdae comments over breakfast, amused. He forks the slices of cucumber on Baekhyun's plates and puts them in his mouth. "I love them."
Baekhyun, in turn, picks up the last piece of chicken on Jongdae's plate. "I can't believe you hate chicken."
"I literally have never said that," Jongdae whines, belatedly realizing that the last piece of protein is gone from his plate. "I hate you," he sulks.
Baekhyun offers a grin as his apology, and when Jongdae doesn't stop pouting offers him his last piece of chicken. Jongdae excitedly opens his mouth and lets Baekhyun feed him.
"You two look married," Sehun complains in disgust from the other side of the table.
"We are, you weren't invited," Baekhyun and Jongdae reply at the same time. They grin at each other and high-five to appreciate their synchronization. Everyone else does not look impressed.
Match made in heaven, honestly.
*
The announcement comes like a snowstorm that arrives two months too early, after dance practice on an October afternoon. The man who makes it looks out of place, wearing a suit and fancy shoes among trainees in sweaty t-shirts and baggy pants. "We're debuting six," informs Mr. Lee.
Baekhyun wishes that Mr. Lee doesn't look as calm as he does, as if not knowing that the information he's relaying is life-changing for some and extremely important for the others. But Mr. Lee proceeds with the same composure. "The confirmed ones are Minseok," he nods towards Minseok, who accepts the news with a wide smile, repeatedly bowing and saying thank you. "Joonmyun," Mr. Lee looks up with a little proud smile, maybe remembering the child he first saw seven years ago, the one who is now sobbing on the floor, with Minseok holding him from the side. Mr. Lee returns to his notes. "And Kyungsoo," he finishes. Baekhyun naturally moves his hand to pat Kyungsoo on the back, trying to convey congratulations and ignore the jealousy burning inside of his chest.
They picked Kyungsoo. Not him, or Jongdae, but Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, who has a hard time keeping a note steady. Kyungsoo, whose range isn't even half as wide as Jongdae's, whose live singing isn't half as strong as Baekhyun's. Baekhyun feels terrible about feeling so bitter about Kyungsoo getting confirmed for debut, but he just can't understand why.
"You will be debuting on March," Mr. Lee states. "Early April, at the latest," he continues, "so the members should be decided by January."
It's too soon but not soon enough-too sudden but expected. Baekhyun feels confusion and excitement and nervousness swarm inside him and he wants to throw up. The ones confirmed for debut can barely contain their happiness, while the ones who aren't look like a mix of everything Baekhyun feels-doubt and uncertainty and high expectation and fear of disappointment.
"The rest of you," Mr. Lee pauses, addressing the unconfirmed trainees. Baekhyun wants to punch him in the face for the pointless suspense. "You're going on a survival show."
*
They put two and two together and spend the night in their room, lamenting on how unfair life is. Three spots available. Seven people remaining. Two dancers, three rappers, two vocalists-Baekhyun and Jongdae are up against each other.
Jongdae rests his head on Baekhyun's shoulder. Baekhyun nuzzles Jongdae's hair. "May the best man win?" he mumbles, desperate for anything to replace silence.
Jongdae laughs. At least Jongdae laughs. "May the best man win," he echoes.
The silence returns.
*
Baekhyun doesn't know what he expected when he heard the words survival show, but it certainly wasn't this. Cameras set up around the dorm and practice rooms, new scripts sent in every morning, lines to remember, and exact people to interact with. He and Jongdae had a good laugh the first time they read their scripts, but a month into the competition, it's just no longer amusing.
Vocal training and dance practices run as usual, only with additional cameras and a lot more meaningless conversations as fillers for the show. Photo classes and public speaking trainings now have challenges, and a huge scoreboard is placed in the dorm's living room. Baekhyun pretends not to care, acting like he's just being the same hardworking trainee he's always been, but every time he returns to the dorm at night, he glances to the scoreboard and counts the points he needs to beat Jongdae's. He slowly realizes that it's almost always him that needs to catch up to Jongdae.
Competitions mess with your head, Baekhyun finds, because he doesn't feel like celebrating anymore when Jongdae gets great reviews in vocal class. Every new note Jongdae reaches is a direct hit at Baekhyun's chance to debut, and Baekhyun has to fake smiles and pretend that it doesn't bother him when Jongdae succeeds. All the while, Jongdae still supports him with warm smiles and excited applauses for every praises Baekhyun receives from the coaches. Jongdae is a sweetheart, in the most sincere form of the word, real and unscripted, and Baekhyun really needs him to stop.
Tonight Baekhyun finds Jongdae awake, sitting on the bed with music scores in his hands. "Hey," he greets when Baekhyun enters the room. "You're up late."
"Yeah," Baekhyun replies. He knows that Jongdae is aware of the distance Baekhyun has tried to put up between them, because in the end Jongdae knows him almost better than Baekhyun knows himself. He wonders if he should try to apologize before their relationship gets too broken to repair. "I was just downstairs," he tries to converse.
But then, "Miss Choi asked me to manage vocal training tomorrow," Jongdae tells him. "I was wondering if you could help me out."
Something snaps inside of Baekhyun. He doesn't know why he jumps to the conclusion that their vocal trainer favors Jongdae over him, trusts Jongdae more than she does him, and therefore confirms his defeat, but the stress of the competition has gotten way too deep into him and it's all he cares about. He cannot tell how or when he became this person-a sorry excuse of a friend who can't take other people winning, this person who keeps comparing himself to his friends and realizing that he's never better than them.
Baekhyun hisses out a no before he could stop himself. Jongdae looks surprised by Baekhyun's answer, immediately looking up and at Baekhyun with a frown. "She asked you," Baekhyun explains curtly.
They engage in a staring match with way too much tension than Baekhyun thinks is necessary. Baekhyun wonders if he should have been the bigger person-take back his words and apologize over the whole thing. Then again this whole thing happens because Baekhyun is never the bigger person. He's a sore loser, with too much pride to admit how much Jongdae irritates him, how much Jongdae threatens him, how much Jongdae scares him.
"Baekhyun," Jongdae finally begins, muttering the name carefully. "Are we okay?"
Baekhyun considers continuing the pretense he's kept up for the last couple of weeks, but then he thinks about how much easier it would be if he doesn't have to. "No, Jongdae," he decides finally. It's the first truth he's told Jongdae since the competition started, the first one he doesn't have to script for himself before saying. "I can't be friends with you anymore."
*
It's the first day of their twelfth month together. Baekhyun knows not because he takes the monthly selca with Jongdae, but because Jongdae stands in front of his table with his camera at the ready, hesitantly looking at Baekhyun, who walks past him and to practice without so much as sparing a glance. They haven't been friends for nearly two months, now, and Baekhyun doesn't understand why Jongdae still tries.
Why, Jongdae had asked him that night, like it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard, and maybe it was. Baekhyun didn't have an answer. It's stupid, but it's easy, and that was all the reason Baekhyun needed. "I don't know what to tell you when I win," Baekhyun had said anyway, "I don't know how to congratulate you when I lose."
Jongdae laughed like it was the stupidest thing he's ever heard. Baekhyun stayed silent because it was the truth. Jongdae stopped laughing and said out loud that it was stupid. Baekhyun ignored him and went to bed.
Baekhyun hears the sound of Jongdae's polaroid from inside their room and wonders just how stupid the whole thing really is.
*
The moment he decided to enter entertainment industry, Baekhyun is aware that it's all about putting up a front. He always thinks that he's prepared. He apparently isn't.
Social media reaction has defined him and Jongdae as the viewer's favorite couple, or so Baekhyun had overheard from the show's writers. Baekhyun understands that this is why he finds himself paired up with his roommate again and again in challenges. Baekhyun doesn't understand the rapid beating of his heart every time Jongdae gets too close to him in photo shoots, or the way his stomach tightens when their voices harmonize into one.
Baekhyun didn't use to believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, or that one does not know what they have until it's gone, but now that it happens, Baekhyun thinks that that's screwed up. He spends his days close to Jongdae, joking around and being friends because he knows that's what the viewers want. He devotes his nights to avoiding Jongdae, although Jongdae is lying on his own bed, merely three steps away from Baekhyun. It's the closest and farthest away he's ever been to Jongdae and if it confuses Baekhyun this much, it probably confuses Jongdae even more. Baekhyun tries not to care.
"Baekhyun," Jongdae calls that night, after dance practice as everyone else prepares to return to the dorm. Jongdae doesn't call him off-camera anymore, probably too hurt by his actions, most definitely allowed to be so. Baekhyun doesn't call Jongdae off-camera anymore, too scared of his own feeling and too protective of his own pride.
Baekhyun decides not to turn around and moves on with his business. "Baekhyun," Jongdae repeats impatiently. Baekhyun can almost hear him whine the way he would if they were still friends, and Baekhyun hates how much he misses the sound, so Baekhyun ignores him. Jongdae sighs, "I just need help with our dance, okay?"
"It's for your own score, too, we're paired up, remember?" Jongdae snaps when Baekhyun still heads towards the door. Baekhyun considers ignoring him, but Jongdae's right-it's for his own score, too. He turns and drops his bag on the side, approaching Jongdae in the middle of the room.
"Okay," he starts. It's terrible to be alone with Jongdae. It's even worse that there aren't any cameras around. Baekhyun has nothing to focus on but Jongdae, and his long lashes and his pretty lips, his tousled hair and Baekhyun's heart beating so hard in his chest. "Which part do you need help with?"
Jongdae needs help with everything, Baekhyun decides after Jongdae demonstrates his current state. They spend the entire night practicing, breathing on each others' neck as Baekhyun stands behind Jongdae and tries to put his hands in the right position, tries to get his feet pointing the right direction. Baekhyun doesn't have the energy to stop himself from laughing when Jongdae turns the wrong way, makes the funniest face he doesn't mean to make, and looks pretty much ridiculous in sophisticated dance moves. Jongdae doesn't mind, laughing along instead, and for the rest of the night, Baekhyun feels like he's getting his best friend back.
They stop at 2 a.m., sprawled in the center of the practice room almost on top of each other, and Baekhyun isn't sure if his chest is heaving from the exhaustion of dancing or the proximity of Jongdae's skin. "Thanks, Baekhyun," Jongdae mumbles. Baekhyun hums, glancing to his side where Jongdae lies down with his eyes closed, catching his breath. Jongdae opens his eyes and turns his head to Baekhyun. Too close. "Let's get something to eat!" Jongdae cheers. His smile is too bright for this time of the day.
In another life, the two of them will grab some ramyun at the convenience store, laugh until the morning comes and go to practice without sleeping. Jongdae will rest his head on Baekhyun's shoulder as he whines out of exhaustion and they will be best friends for life, debuting together and singing duets on the world's biggest stages. In a story where it doesn't hurt to fall in love with Jongdae, Baekhyun would probably let himself do just that.
Baekhyun remembers what he should and should not be doing, then stands up and grabs his bag. "I can't," he mutters.
You don't get to choose the universe in which you live, and in this one, Baekhyun goes home alone.
*
Baekhyun and Jongdae win the dance challenge. They go on a Seoul day out as their prize, accompanied with camera crews to document their date. Baekhyun has a taste of popularity when people recognize them on the street; when he can't even finish his coffee without thirty different strangers asking for photos and autographs.
He laughs and jokes with Jongdae, loses track of which ones are fake and which ones are genuine, and doesn't really care. Jongdae looks sincere, though, maybe he's just persistent like that-still believing that they're friends despite Baekhyun's shitty attitude. Baekhyun hates that it makes him like Jongdae even more.
Baekhyun almost believes that he'd choose Jongdae over fame and popularity, but then he comes home to a scoreboard that has Jongdae's name above his own. Baekhyun enters their room and goes back to ignoring Jongdae.
*
Christmas for Baekhyun has always been a family thing-warm and noisy with hugs and kisses and reckless comments at each other that sometimes hurt but most of the time forgiven. This little party the company throws together for them, on the other hand, is scripted hugs and fabricated kisses and made up warm conversations. Baekhyun grins throughout the entire thing, and almost doesn't have to pretend to have a great time.
The shooting ends and Sehun turns up the music to an annoying volume and starts dancing way too close to Jongin. "Might as well party, right?" Chanyeol exclaims, handing everyone a cup of whatever alcohol the company generously provided them. For once Baekhyun agrees. He empties his cup in one go, immediately feeling dizzy as he gets up to get a refill-it's been too long since his last drink, and he's never been that good with handling them, anyway. But with the final announcement just a week away, Baekhyun figures there's no better time to let loose and get wasted.
Jongdae is standing on the other side of the table as Baekhyun pours his fifth-or sixth, tenth, who even counts anymore-drink of the night. Baekhyun notices the way Jongdae frowns at him, probably judging him hard and thinking about how much better he is than Baekhyun will ever be. Baekhyun gulps the entire content of his paper cup, and readies himself for another refill.
"You really should stop," Jongdae mutters, taking the cup away from Baekhyun. "Look, I get that we're not friends and all, but you really look awful."
Baekhyun scoffs. "You're right, we're not friends," he slurs, looking away from Jongdae because the alcohol makes him look a hundred times better. Jongdae fits cozy knitwear so well-he looks warm and friendly and safe and comfortable. Jongdae feels like home and Baekhyun doesn't want to go home just yet. "So leave me alone and let me drink, asshole."
Baekhyun hates how fragile and vulnerable Jongdae acts sometimes. He hates that only Baekhyun's words seem to do that to him, because Jongdae survives harsh critics for his dancing just fine and gets through exhausting practices okay, but he looks so battered and broken whenever Baekhyun snaps at him. Baekhyun is so close to opening his mouth for an apology, but Jongdae takes a small wrapped gift out of his pocket and hands it hastily to Baekhyun.
"Merry Christmas, Baekhyun," Jongdae mumbles as he walks away. Baekhyun watches as Jongdae approaches Minseok and leans his head on the elder's shoulder. He sees the way Minseok's eyes flits towards him for a second before turning to Jongdae and smiling wide to cheer him up. It feels weird when Jongdae smiles back, because maybe Baekhyun wants to be the one making him smile. Baekhyun really doesn't know what he wants. It's hard enough when he's sober-it's impossible when his mind is all bubbles of liquid and feelings and pain and feelings.
Baekhyun rips the wrapping off the gift in his hand, all the while trying to ignore the tiny little voices inside his mind scolding how come you didn't get him anything. Baekhyun wants to get it over with, to open the gift and hate it, to throw it away and forget about hurting Jongdae. Baekhyun doesn't want to find two of Jongdae's monthly polaroids in a beautiful wooden frame. Baekhyun doesn't want to love it, and Baekhyun doesn't want to start reading the note that comes with it, the one that says, you missed two, but I took them for you. Let's take it together again next month! Baekhyun doesn't want to feel like a jerk, but tonight everything he doesn't want happens, and everything he wants doesn't.
It's the alcohol. It's the dimmed light and the crazy lighting. It's the Christmas spirit getting lost in a bunch of strangers playing family-it's Jongdae ruining their nonexistent friendship by being too nice for Baekhyun to hate him. It would be so much easier to live if only Jongdae were just a little bit unpleasant to be around; if only he doesn't fit Baekhyun's every ideal of a man, if only he didn't catch Baekhyun's attention from the very first note Baekhyun had ever heard him sing.
Baekhyun blames everything but himself for all the conflicting feelings, and Baekhyun wants it over once and for all. He stomps towards Jongdae, unsteady and angry and unable to sort out all the other emotions he's feeling. He tries to pull Jongdae out of the room, ending up muttering outside and getting an unsure Jongdae to help him out.
"I hate you," he blurts once they're outside. Jongdae looks even better under more decent lighting, and Baekhyun is honestly pissed off. Jongdae isn't supposed to look this good. Baekhyun isn't supposed to be so infatuated with the person who is taking away all of his dreams and his hard work and his future. Baekhyun wants so much for his words to be true, but they aren't.
Jongdae stares at him dully, and Baekhyun wishes that Jongdae would say I hate you too and leave him alone in the halls of the building, but he doesn't. Instead, Jongdae keeps staring, each second seemingly closer than before, and all Baekhyun can think about is how easy it would be for him to kiss Jongdae, future complications aside.
So he does.
Jongdae kisses back like he expected it. He probably did. Jongdae knows him almost better than Baekhyun knows himself, after all. Jongdae's lips are as soft as they look, and Baekhyun wishes that he had done this sooner, and more sober. He puts his hand to cup Jongdae's face, pulling him closer even when it's nearly impossible.
"Don't you fucking dare forget this tomorrow," Jongdae growls into Baekhyun's mouth, gripping his hair and making Baekhyun whine into the kiss. Baekhyun doubts that he ever will.
Jongdae presses their foreheads together. Baekhyun can smell the alcohol in his own breath, and none in Jongdae's. "I'm sorry," Jongdae mumbles. Baekhyun can't believe what he's hearing. "Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I miss you, Baekhyun."
Baekhyun wonders how different things would be if only he believed in himself. If only he believed that his own skills and talents are enough to eventually beat Jongdae to debut. But Baekhyun doubts himself more than anyone else, confirming his own defeat from the start. "I'm sorry, Jongdae," Baekhyun replies. Being drunk makes it so much easier to spill out the truth. Being drunk makes him rest his head on Jongdae's shoulder, admitting defeat with tears in his face. "Congratulations on your debut."
*
The lights are dimmed above Sehun's and Zitao's and Yixing's head, and bright yellow on top of Chanyeol and Jongin. The crowd murmurs in anticipation. Suspense is built and keeps building as the MC pauses on every single end of his sentences. Baekhyun feels Jongdae's hand reaching out for his, squeezing as if trying to calm him down. Baekhyun turns to see Jongdae smiling, and Baekhyun sincerely smiles back. He knows he's going to lose. He's probably ready to face it.
Baekhyun swears he can hear three different people whispering how could they pin best friends against each other in the crowds. He hates that they treat his dreams as nothing but a game.
"And the final member," another pause, "is-"
There are loud cheers and sights of disappointment among the audience, but all the pain and joy that Baekhyun feels are from the inside, and he can't quite decide which one is stronger.
*
XO15 debuts in March, as promised, all bright lights and fancy costumes, stylish hair and thick make-ups. Baekhyun wasn't wrong when he said that there's no way he and Jongdae can be friends, with one of them bound to reach a dream robbed from the other. He was, however, wrong about the result.
"Congrats," Jongdae tells him. He's smiling, detached and emotionless and forced, and Baekhyun can't believe that it's making him sad on his debut day. "Amazing stage," Jongdae adds, handing Baekhyun a bouquet of flower before walking away from the waiting room.
Baekhyun grabs Jongdae's hand before his mind can register what he's doing. So when he stares straight at Jongdae's cold, distant eyes, he has no words to reply Jongdae's snappish "What?"
"I-," Baekhyun realizes that he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to tell Jongdae to please be happy for him-not when he's been nothing but unpleasant to Jongdae throughout the competition. The thing going right in Baekhyun's life is the exact same thing going wrong in Jongdae's and Baekhyun doesn't know how to make it better. "Are we okay?" he asks finally.
Jongdae snorts. He looks at Baekhyun incredulously and Baekhyun can only look back, empty and sad despite having just reached his dream. "No we're not, Baekhyun," he answers easily. "You're right, this is too hard."
Jongdae walks away from him, and Baekhyun starts to wonder how precious this debut really is for him. He asks himself if it's worth losing the person who helped him get through the most torturous months of his life. He considers running after Jongdae, telling him he's sorry and saying whatever's needed to get Jongdae to come back and forgive him.
Baekhyun decides to stop thinking, and shuts the door behind him.