Regarding my life
I was hoping to have another medium to express my thoughts, but nothing else presented itself. Here goes.
I hate being home. With a semblance of the fiery wrath of one thousand suns. I don't so much actively hate, as passively. I just can't stand it. There is NOTHING for me here. Maybe things will improve, when some of the people I once called friend, but didn't really mean it, come back, but I am not so hopeful. I don't have close friends. I never really have. Maybe I just don't have the capacity to be intimate with people. It's certainly not because I don't want to be. I desperately want a friend here who I can actually talk to. I used to have one. But I no longer feel comfortable with that outlet.
I want to go back to school, but even there, I'm not certain I will find what I need when I go back. I have actual friends, in a much more significant way than I did here, in Walnut Creek, but, I'm still not certain I am forming the type of relationships I want to. Nor am I certain how they should be formed. Perhaps I am doomed to be emotionally alone.
I would obviously like to think this is not the case, but I just don't know. I've never developed any real long term friendships. Of course, I had a long term relationship, and any relationships I have after that will fill some of this emotional void, but, there is something that comes from friendship that I don't have. Maybe I just never tried hard enough. I would like to think, however, that long term, rewarding friendships are not the result of effort and calculation, but that they just sort of happen. Maybe I just haven't met the right people yet.
Then again, maybe I never will.
This will be my last entry concerning anything about my emotional well being until there is some sort of change. I doubt people want to hear this shit all the time.