Oh My Love, I Can't Let Go
Karl: *The day is here. I didn't want it to come, but eh, this is life, right? Have to work. Especially those of us who aren't internationally known and making residuals left and right. I'm sure you've got a next project to work on, and you've followed after me for long enough, right? I know; I got spoiled. I don't know how I'm going to spend the next three-four months without you. But we'll visit, yeah. Weekends in L.A. or something. Still, it's hard. Like tearing myself in two hard. I carry the bags as far as the door for the doorman to pick up when he arrives, and plop down on the couch next to you, pushing a hand through my hair, still damp from the shower. I give you a rather pathetic smile. Then lean against your shoulder, sighing.* Cab'll be here in ten minutes. Cripes. I hate transPacific flights.
Bean: *I have been dreading this day for the longest time, having pushed aside thoughts of it first so that we can celebrate your birthday last week without any distractions. But time flies so fast and now it's time for you to go halfway across the world to Vancouver, where I won't be seeing you for the longest time. How will I cope? How would I possibly survive, not especially when I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with you every passing day? I curl my arm around your shoulders as we wait for the cab, extremely reluctant to let you go, wishing there was some way around this.* Ten minutes? Aye. I just....yeah. Hate all flights in general. *I can't bring myself to look at your face, especially your eyes, knowing how much I'll miss looking into them. I just sigh and squeeze your hand gently.*
Karl: *Can't just leave, without as much physical contact now as I can get. I wrap an arm around you, holding you closer, bringing our foreheads together to look into your marvelous green eyes until they blur. Then I kiss you. Perhaps the most tender kisses I've bestowed yet. Just lips on lips, brushing back and forth, memorising the feel of your mouth.* I'll miss you. Call you when I get in, right? *My hand rubs down your spine, slowly.*
Bean: *I huddle closer to you, still tingling from the kiss, the fact finally sinking in that these kisses and these hugs are what I'm going to be missing for the next few months, and I honestly can't bear the thought of it. I can feel the tenderness in your kiss, and there's a pang in my chest as I feel your hand slide down my spine, wrapping my arms even tighter around you.* I'll miss you too. I don't know how I'll cope. But call me. *I kiss you fiercely, before pulling away and resting my chin on your shoulder* Just....call me. To let me know you got off the plane safely.
Karl: *We sit there for several minutes--ten I guess, not speaking, just touching, before the door chime rings.* Cab's here, *I mutter, not moving for a moment. We won't be able to say goodbye like this at the airport--not like this. Public eye and all. I kiss you again, deeper. Let them ring twice.*
Bean: *Somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear the door chime, but I just lose myself in our kiss, maybe the last one yet before a dry spell, and as I pull away I'm surprised to find my eyes wet, and I reach up and gruffly brush the moisture away with the back of my hand, looking very troubled.* I can't do this, Karl. I just can't. I can't imagine the next few months without you.
Karl: *I was holding together just fine--well, despite the burn in the back of my throat and the damned knot around my chest, but seeing that, seeing the tears--oh cripes. I squeeze my eyes shut to block out the sight, but a few tears leak past anyway, and I find myself burying my head against your chest, clinging--yes a grown man and all--to you.* Don't cry, Sean--god. Please don't. I can't bear it if I leave you like this. We'll visit, right? Oh God, this hurts . . . *Trying to master my emotions--I can cry later. If I let myself go now, we'll never make it out the door, and I have set call tomorrow morning. Have to go. Have to. Swallowing what feels like a football, I tear myself away, lest we both start sobbing, and blindly make my way to the door. Scrubbing at my eyes, I open it and let the baggage boy in.*
Bean: *I turn quickly to hide my eyes as the baggage boy comes in whistling to take your suitcases, oblivious to our pain and tears. I wipe my eyes again fiercely with my palm, wishing I could just get a hold of myself so that you can leave in peace without me bothering you. I watch the baggage boy with dull eyes as he lugs out all the luggage, unable to stop myself from reaching out and squeezing your hand discreetly, not wanting to imagine the long, long weeks ahead without you...oh God, how am I going to survive? This is impossible.*
Karl: *I hold myself rigidly, standing still as a statue--the only sign of life my hand that grasps yours back, squeezing reassuredly. Steeling myself for the sight of you, I glance back. And almost wish I hadn't. God . . . your pain . . . It feels worse than mine. But now it really is time to go.* Come on. Cab's waiting. *I tug at your hand, and begin following the baggage boy to the elevator.*
Bean: *Keeping silent, I follow you and the baggage boy out, not dropping our hands even in the elevator. It feels as though my heart is getting heavier and heavier with every step, and as we walk out of the hotel lobby and towards where the cab is waiting for us, I slide into the back seat with you, wishing I could find something to say but I know that I would just end up being a sad sap. I look out of the cab window instead, my hand still locked with yours despite the looks the cab driver is giving us.* So when is the next possible earliest visit?
Karl: *I look to Sean, concerned about his silence, but fighting my own emotions, just trying to keep moving lest we both just stop and give in.* Ah--well when you're back in L.A.--I'm sure there'll be weekends I can fly down. Don't know my full schedule yet . . . *And I don't know yours--how soon you'll be in L.A., how much longer you'll stay in Wellington with everyone else. Pulling your hand into my lap, I caress it absently, leaning against you, staring out the window. I keep swallowing against the feelings seeking to burst forth. I know it could be weeks before I get a weekend off.*
Bean: *The cab starts moving and if it is possible, it feels even worse, to see us pulling away from the hotel where we've spent the last few weeks in utter happiness, to head towards the airport where we'll be separated for such a long time. I sigh again and turn to face you, my hands gripping yours by now* And I don't know my full schedule yet either. But I swear I'll do my best, I'll grab every spare minute I can to meet you. *I grimace at the thought of all the constant plane trips, but I'm willing to suffer through all of this, if it means getting to see you more often.*
Karl: *I know you mean it, but I also know how schedules can be, and I'm sure you'll be starting up another project soon enough. We had these weeks together. It'll have to hold me . . . until another such break. That's the life of an actor. I knew it when I signed up. But it never hurt before . . . * I know you will. And we'll call. *I bark out a humourless laugh.* Every day. A few times. *Scrubbing at the corner of my eye before the moisture can escape.*
Bean: *I raise my hand and cup it against your cheek, beyond caring about the inquisitive cab driver by now. My thumb strays and wipes at the corner of your red-rimmed eyes, and I realise that I must look the same as I gaze back at you, still unable to believe how beautiful you really are, unable to believe you're here with me....I blink back more tears as I continue to stroke your face, as if trying to commit it to memory* I will call, yes. Until you'll get sick and tired of me, and want to throw your mobile into the ditch. *I pause as I bite my lip, before lowering my voice to a whisper* Why is it I only realise how much I really love you, just as you're about to leave?
Karl: *A crease forms between my brows, as I sigh, looking down at our hands.* Dunno. I knew. But I didn't know it was going to hurt so much . . . *One more kiss. The cabbie won't care, right? One more kiss before we pull into the airport . . . helpless, I pull you forward, lock our lips together, trying to drink you in. Chuckling* I don’t' suppose you'd fit in my suitcase. *Smiling through the tears.*
Bean: *I wipe your tears away again, unable to help grinning back at your infectious smile* No, but I might be able to squeeze into your toothbrush bag if I starve for a few months. *I deepen our kiss fervently before reluctantly pulling back, planting one last kiss on your lips as I realise we're pulling up outside the airport already.* Alright, I promise I'll stop being a soppy git so you can leave. *Paying the stunned driver the cab fare, I hop out and help to unload your suitcases, trying to keep my mind off things.*
Karl: *I grin lopsidedly at the cabbie, thanking him--he's a Kiwi; he'll probably be pretty easy going about it. Then I grab my bags, taking deep breaths, getting myself in hand. We carry the bags over to the check in counter, and I fumble for my ticket, trying to stay active to distract myself from my feelings.*
Bean: *Although we're in the airport now and you're only minutes from leaving, it feels better to have people milling around us, keeping ourselves preoccupied with checking in your baggage and your flight. I fidget with my sleeves as I watch you talk to the airline personnel, and turn to stare moodily at your luggage, already stacked and tagged. When you're done, I discreetly squeeze your hand again, whispering in your ear as a bunch of Japanese tourists walk past us* I love you.
Karl: *I glance back as you say the words, somehow more potent to be spoken here in the open, in public. I pull you in for a hard hug.* I love you too. Don't forget that. I've never loved anyone like you. *I don't know what I fear, but I feel the need to say that, now, before my plane takes off. We make our way to security, where we'll have to make our final goodbyes.*
Bean: *My heart feels even heavier at your words, and I have to physically restrain myself by folding my arms, willing myself not to cry openly in public. I follow you over to security, and as you pass your boarding ticket over, I reach out and give you one last hug, burying my nose in your neck to smell you one last time, then I pull away slightly and tuck your hair back, smiling at you* I will call. Everyday. And visit as soon as I can. *I drop my voice to a whisper* And I will never forget.
Karl: *I takes every last drop of my will to break away this time, and I know I have to go, have to tear myself away and start walking, or I never will. Too choked up to even reply, I nod, one hand coming up to comb through your hair, slide over your cheek, thumb outlining your lips. Then, resolutely, I pick up my bags. Take my ticket back from the security officer. And begin walking through Security, afraid to look back. Afraid anything else and I really will break down. *
Bean: *I watch you walk away, trying your best not to look back so that you can concentrate on leaving, and I have to bite down on my knuckles and control myself, already aware that one of the security officers is already looking at me strangely. I watch you walk all the way in until you finally disappear up the escalator towards the gate with a sad wave, and I quickly stumble away, walking towards the cab stand where I blindly stumble into a taxi and mumble out the address to the mystified driver, before sinking my head into my hands, tears silently running down my face and staining the floor carpet of the cab.*
Karl: *I get to the gate, get through the line there, get through boarding, get through seating. It is only when they darken the lights for takeoff, as I watch the ground fall away through the little window, that I finally give in. Bowing my head, I stare out the window as clouds fill my vision and softly weep.*