Eyeball Explosions
I woke up on Friday to find a big bloody splotch on my eyeball.
It didn't hurt, so I thought nothing of it. But at work, Dan wouldn't stop telling me that I was going blind, so it started to hurt. Everyone who came into the store was blinking uncontrollably, so I started blinking uncontrollably. Saline started sopping down my cheek like I had just heard that my dog had died. And then Kathy came in and started screaming. She started throwing small objects at me and told me to get out and go to the hospital.
That's when I started to get worried.
At the ER, some 400-lb. woman sat down next to me and made the bench sink. She was whining loudly and holding her vagina. She kept saying that the people behind the desk would be with her in a moment and I certainly hoped that was the case. Babies cried. Forms circulated.
When the docs finally got around to me, some four and a half hours later, I was told of such a thing as a - get ready for it now - SUBCONJUCTIVAL HEMORRHAGE. Basically a bruise on my eyeball. Awesome, huh?
I say, what do I do for the pain? They say, there is no pain. I say, what do about the pressure on the back of my eyeball? They drop some stingy shit on my eyeball and say, there is no pressure.
So, finally, I ask, what caused this SUBCONJUNCTIVAL HEMORRHAGE? They say, there are a variety of disparate causes:
1) a poke in the eye. (stop three-stooging)
2) heavy vomiting. (stop drinking)
3) heavy coughing (stop having phlegms)
4) heavy -yes, really - shitting (shit softy and carry a big stick)
Well, campers, that's the story. Worse comes to worse, I'll get an eyepatch like James Joyce. Until then, I'm just going to wink all day.
Here's looking at you!
It didn't hurt, so I thought nothing of it. But at work, Dan wouldn't stop telling me that I was going blind, so it started to hurt. Everyone who came into the store was blinking uncontrollably, so I started blinking uncontrollably. Saline started sopping down my cheek like I had just heard that my dog had died. And then Kathy came in and started screaming. She started throwing small objects at me and told me to get out and go to the hospital.
That's when I started to get worried.
At the ER, some 400-lb. woman sat down next to me and made the bench sink. She was whining loudly and holding her vagina. She kept saying that the people behind the desk would be with her in a moment and I certainly hoped that was the case. Babies cried. Forms circulated.
When the docs finally got around to me, some four and a half hours later, I was told of such a thing as a - get ready for it now - SUBCONJUCTIVAL HEMORRHAGE. Basically a bruise on my eyeball. Awesome, huh?
I say, what do I do for the pain? They say, there is no pain. I say, what do about the pressure on the back of my eyeball? They drop some stingy shit on my eyeball and say, there is no pressure.
So, finally, I ask, what caused this SUBCONJUNCTIVAL HEMORRHAGE? They say, there are a variety of disparate causes:
1) a poke in the eye. (stop three-stooging)
2) heavy vomiting. (stop drinking)
3) heavy coughing (stop having phlegms)
4) heavy -yes, really - shitting (shit softy and carry a big stick)
Well, campers, that's the story. Worse comes to worse, I'll get an eyepatch like James Joyce. Until then, I'm just going to wink all day.
Here's looking at you!