(no subject)
Today's movie: Waiting...
There are so many famous (EDIT: I mean semi-famous. No one in this thing has been in more than six movies, except for Luis Guzman and Chi McBride and even they aren't what you could call "stars") people in this that I just don't know who to address, so I'll do my best to talk about them all.
First things first, Ryan Reynolds, you need to sit on my face. But we're not talking first, because you always play the same character, and I can tell that you're just like that in real life. Also, you work out before every scene so that your muscles look bigger, don't you? You see, I can tell, because I can clearly see that you can't quite seem to bend your arms.
Second things after the first, Andy Milonakis, you are a fat and disgusting creature with a 12 year old's face who has never done a single amusing thing in his entire fucking life. If not for you I would have actually enjoyed this film in a sophomoric sort of way. Your character was a ridiculous cliche even before you became famous (how did that happen, by the way? What photos do you have, and of whom, doing what?). We've been making fun of the "wigger" for almost ten years now. The wigger is the new hippie (who dopily rambles on about the way that "this stuff totally frees your mind"). And your rap at the end? "I eat more pussy than Jeffrey Dahmer"? That may very well be true (though I doubt it), but, if it is, it's because of one simple fact: JEFFREY DAHMER WAS GAY!!!!!! Dahmer only ate men, and even then, let's face it, his victims only numbered 17. Therefore, "I eat more ass...," would have been ok (even if not really THAT impressive). Or cock. Or thigh. Or face. But I think what you're REALLY looking for here is, "I eat more pussy than Patrick Bateman." I guess the point is that I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you, you hideous troll.
Alanna Ubach, your character should have been played by Amy Poehler. Nothing personal.
Justin Long, you were great with your seven lines in Galaxy Quest, and you weren't half bad here either, but you were also in Jeepers Creepers once upon a time, weren't you? You lose about a billion points for that. And Herbie: Fully Loaded? I won't even mention it.
Robert Patrick Benedict, I totally thought you were Vincent Gallo this whole movie, and it made your pee problem really funny and self-referential (Buffalo '66). Did you style your facial hair like that for that reason? Once I found that out that you were, in fact, you, well... I guess you were okay.
Monica Monica, you need a new name, lady, fast. Even Bruce LaBruce has the decency to put that little La in there.
Melissa Alonzo, you've really sold your future down the drain. Your only movie credit is as Alanna Ubach's "stunt bush." You will never recover from that. Most people who need a little cash in Hollywood do porn, and you can make it big from there, Jenna Jameson did. But you're... ah, forget it. Nice performance.
Wendie Malick, you can do no wrong in my eyes. God, you're great.
There are so many famous (EDIT: I mean semi-famous. No one in this thing has been in more than six movies, except for Luis Guzman and Chi McBride and even they aren't what you could call "stars") people in this that I just don't know who to address, so I'll do my best to talk about them all.
First things first, Ryan Reynolds, you need to sit on my face. But we're not talking first, because you always play the same character, and I can tell that you're just like that in real life. Also, you work out before every scene so that your muscles look bigger, don't you? You see, I can tell, because I can clearly see that you can't quite seem to bend your arms.
Second things after the first, Andy Milonakis, you are a fat and disgusting creature with a 12 year old's face who has never done a single amusing thing in his entire fucking life. If not for you I would have actually enjoyed this film in a sophomoric sort of way. Your character was a ridiculous cliche even before you became famous (how did that happen, by the way? What photos do you have, and of whom, doing what?). We've been making fun of the "wigger" for almost ten years now. The wigger is the new hippie (who dopily rambles on about the way that "this stuff totally frees your mind"). And your rap at the end? "I eat more pussy than Jeffrey Dahmer"? That may very well be true (though I doubt it), but, if it is, it's because of one simple fact: JEFFREY DAHMER WAS GAY!!!!!! Dahmer only ate men, and even then, let's face it, his victims only numbered 17. Therefore, "I eat more ass...," would have been ok (even if not really THAT impressive). Or cock. Or thigh. Or face. But I think what you're REALLY looking for here is, "I eat more pussy than Patrick Bateman." I guess the point is that I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you, you hideous troll.
Alanna Ubach, your character should have been played by Amy Poehler. Nothing personal.
Justin Long, you were great with your seven lines in Galaxy Quest, and you weren't half bad here either, but you were also in Jeepers Creepers once upon a time, weren't you? You lose about a billion points for that. And Herbie: Fully Loaded? I won't even mention it.
Robert Patrick Benedict, I totally thought you were Vincent Gallo this whole movie, and it made your pee problem really funny and self-referential (Buffalo '66). Did you style your facial hair like that for that reason? Once I found that out that you were, in fact, you, well... I guess you were okay.
Monica Monica, you need a new name, lady, fast. Even Bruce LaBruce has the decency to put that little La in there.
Melissa Alonzo, you've really sold your future down the drain. Your only movie credit is as Alanna Ubach's "stunt bush." You will never recover from that. Most people who need a little cash in Hollywood do porn, and you can make it big from there, Jenna Jameson did. But you're... ah, forget it. Nice performance.
Wendie Malick, you can do no wrong in my eyes. God, you're great.