(no subject)
I was super sad today. UNBELIEVABLY sad. And what I'm about to tell you, I have only told two people. But maybe I can get so great words of wisdom from all you others! =0)
Last night I had a dream...there was some kind of party going on...a whole bunch of people from my school, my family, and sterling heights were there. We were all having a good time and then all of a sudden my dad walks in. My REAL dad. He's in a suit, all businessy looking. I see him, smile, and run into his arms screaming "DADDY!" He smiles and kisses me on the cheek. He tells me he's changed for the better. He's doing well and he wants to make up for all the time he's missed with me. And for the first time, I'm not scared or nervous. I feel totally normal and happy to see him. So then my mom and him talk and I get to visit him whenever. Everything is great..happy ending. Right!? WRONG! I end up waking up to reality. Realizing the cold, hard, true facts that Brian will never change...and he will always make stupid decisions and just be irresponsible. I realize I would never say Dad or Daddy anymore. He's part of the reason why it's hard for me to trust people. I hate him. But I can't. I know if he saw me today he would be pretty proud... his loss right!? Or mine?!
So this morning I tried to find that ONE picture I have of him... couldn't find it. I lost the picture. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know him at all. I'm scared of him. I don't want to see him.
But I do.