11.02.82.
Lesson learned: I shouldn't have told her about the letters.
Still, this is just the start, and the arrangement's only going to demand more of my time as time marches on. It was easier to sneak off when Eberhilde didn't care much for me, but Berlin changed that. Now she looks at me like Val used to, when I started speaking French to her.
It's absurd. Three years between us, she should be insulted or more distant, but she isn't. I should possibly be flattered but I find it unnerving. It may mean she's more capricious than I thought.
I have gifts for both of them. As Sarah says, both of them, my girlfriend and my fiancée. It would feel more like cheating if I felt something for Eberhilde besides basic friendship. I always found romance to be trite, especially from teenagers, but it's not likely anyone else will ever be what Maya is to me. She sees me. Accepts it all, good, bad, worse. I would do anything for her and I find that unlikely to change, unless one of us changes drastically for the worst.
I should feel worse about what I'm doing. I don't. I should feel as though I'm taking advantage of my position in society, but I don't, because my position in society makes me miserable in every way but this. I would do anything to be like anyone else, but I can't, so I will take this.
Nonsense. I'm writing as though this is seriously relevant. My moral crises are something to be accepted and dismissed, not recorded. Life is not philosophy or morals and I must remember to stop overthinking.
I should write less. It makes me dwell. Unhealthy habit.
Finished the Charms essay about a half hour ago. I would start something else but I fully intend to be at the match tomorrow; if nothing else, I want to see how far Abby Spinks's luck will go.
Best of luck to both teams.