Never Stuck Around Long Enough For a One Night Stand, Part 1a
masterpost | part 1 | part 1a | part 2 | epilogue | art post
Jensen can’t make himself call. Every time he picks up his phone and thumbs through his contacts until he gets to Jared’s name, he hesitates and can’t do it, doesn’t know what the fuck he would even say. For some stupid reason, it’s easier to convince himself to get off the highway at the familiar exit the next time he’s passing through central Indiana. He drives like he’s not thinking about it, focusing on the road in front of him and not thinking about the fact that it’s only 9 at night and Jared might not even be working.
If this doesn’t work, he’s not sure what he’ll do. He can’t drive his rig into the little downtown area where Jared lives. He doesn’t think he can call. So when he walks in the door of the diner and Jared looks up from behind the empty counter, he’s so relieved it feels like breathing for the first time in days. Jared doesn’t smile, but Jensen can see him trying, twitching the corners of his lips like he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do, if he’s supposed to be happy to see Jensen or not.
Jensen slings himself onto a stool and scratches at the back of his head. “Hey,” he says. There’s no one else in the diner, not a soul, and Jensen can talk as quietly and sheepishly as he wants to.
“Hey,” says Jared. “Didn’t know if I’d see you again.”
“I didn’t know if you would either,” Jensen says honestly. “I wasn’t sure what to do with your little, uh, announcement.”
“There’s no good way to say it, you know. I’ve tried different things, but it’s always. It’s not a nice thing to have to say.”
“It’s good that you told me, though. I mean, eventually I was glad. That you were honest and everything.”
“If we’re gonna keep on, like we had been, you needed to know.” He licks his lips, and shit, Jensen still wants him. Jared doesn’t look sick. He looks tall and strong and young, too fucking young to be sick. “I’m not… I don’t have AIDS. It’s not the same thing. Some people don’t know that, so I figure I should say. I could, one day, if I don’t take care of myself, or I get sick with something else, but right now I’m fine. I’m healthy. I just have this thing inside me, and it might…” He doesn’t finish, he doesn’t have to. He looks even younger, nervous and uncertain. Sometimes Jensen thinks about what would happen if he got into a wreck, but it’s not the same as knowing you have something that might kill you.
“I shouldn’t have freaked out. We’re friends. We’re still friends, and I don’t want that to change. I just didn’t know how to deal, so I had to take some time.”
Jared hands him a cup of coffee, and Jensen wraps his hands around it to stop himself fidgeting. “Can I get you anything else?” Jared asks.
Jensen reaches across the counter and grabs his wrist. Jared flinches, but doesn’t break away. “Please. I’m sorry. I want to go back to how things were.”
Jared turns his arm in Jensen’s grip and strokes the inside of Jensen’s wrist with his fingertips. Jensen takes a shaky breath. “I think I’d like that,” Jared says. “I didn’t like not talking to you.”
“Yeah.” Jensen has plenty of other friends, guys he talks to on the CB sometimes, people back home he keeps in touch with, but none of them are like Jared. He’s logged more hours on the phone with Jared in the last few months than probably with his own family. “I didn’t have anybody to ask me what the trees looked like in Arkansas.”
Jared throws his head back and laughs, big and genuine. “So what were the trees like in Arkansas?”
“Nobody was asking me about them, so I didn’t even notice.”
Jared leans his arms on the counter. “Where else have you been lately?”
“Jim and I went out to San Diego. It was a long trip, but it was fun, catching up.” He doesn’t mention Jim thinking he was gay, although it’s still nagging at him in a stupid, unstoppable way. “And we got out to the beach for at least a few minutes while we were out there. I got you a postcard, but I didn’t send it.”
“Yeah? You have it with you?”
“Out in the truck. I know you wanted to get out and see an ocean sometime.”
“Or even a really big lake. I can’t afford to be picky at this point in my life.” Jared rocks on his heels a little. “So do you want me to go out to the truck with you and see if we can get my postcard?” It’s so fucking blatant that it’s almost clumsy, and Jensen grins in spite of himself. He missed this too. The promise of semi-regular sex with someone who was starting to learn what Jensen liked.
“You’re the only person working. Don’t you have to stay here?”
Jared glances at the grill, on but turned down low with nothing to cook on it. “I should,” he admits. “I just don’t really want to.”
“When do you get off?” Jensen asks, realizing as soon as the words are out that it’s got a serious double meaning.
Jared grins. “Good question.”
“Well, I meant, I was going to take the night, and maybe get a room and sleep in a real bed. So if you were getting off of work later and wanted to come by, we could probably work something out.”
“I’m supposed to stay until three, but maybe I could call somebody, say I was sick or something. I don’t need the hours that bad.”
“Are you sure? I don’t wanna get in the way of your job. You could also come by at three. I can just sleep until then, and it’ll still be a couple of hours before I need to get on the road again.”
“Okay,” Jared says, and he sounds relieved. He can’t be making a lot of money working a job like this, and surely every little bit must help. “Don’t stay at the place across the way. Pretty much any dump along the road is going to be cleaner than that place. Hell, staying in the dumpster out back might be better. Just a word of advice there.”
“I guess I’ll keep that in mind then. I can text from wherever I end up.”
“I’ve got a half a tank of gas, so I can get a pretty long ways if I have to.”
“Don’t think I’m really going to go too far. Just far enough to get a bed someplace better than a dumpster.”
Jared grins. “I think you can do that. You want something to eat?”
Jensen considers the possibilities. “Short stack, side of bacon.”
Jared nods. “Traditional.” He turns towards the griddle.
“Is it always this quiet this time of night?” Jensen asks.
“On weeknights you bet your ass it is. Anybody going long distance is figuring they can make it one more hour before they crash for the night, and all the dinner crowd from around these parts is long, long gone. It’ll pick up again after ten. For some reason, ten is the magic number when they start realizing they still need to eat to go on with whatever they were doing.”
“You really have this down to a science, don’t you?” Jensen asks, impressed.
Jared pours out some pancake batter onto the griddle and turns back to look at him. “You try doing this job full-time for a year, and I guarantee you’ll know plenty of the ins and outs. It’s just like the tide coming in and out; there’s a basic rhythm to it. Deviations also, sure, but this kind of thing is really pretty predictable as far as we’re going on an everyday basis.”
While Jensen eats his pancakes, Jared chatters on about whatever crosses his mind, elbows resting on the counter, his face open and eager in the way Jensen’s gotten so used to, as though no time has passed at all since the last time Jensen was here eating pancakes and talking about nothing in particular. As if Jensen hasn’t spent the last few weeks being a shitty friend because he didn’t know what else to do. Eventually, Jared asks him to talk a little more about where he’s been and what it was like. “Tell me about the ocean,” he says. “Describe it for me.”
Jensen chuckles self-consciously. “You know, there are plenty of books and things that talk about what the ocean’s like. I could just get you one of those. You don’t need me to describe it for you.”
“Sure I do,” Jared replies. “There’s not a book in the world that could tell me what the ocean’s like for you. Unless you’ve written one I don’t know about.”
It isn’t as though they haven’t been through all this before. It definitely isn’t new. But it doesn’t mean that Jensen understands it any better, why Jared wants this from him, when he’s never ever been good with words like Jared is. He knows his strengths pretty well, and that isn’t one of them. Still, he takes a deep breath, getting a clear picture in his head to start from, and says, “It’s big. It’s so big you can barely even imagine it. So big that everywhere you look in front of you is just water, and you know it just keeps going past the horizon, that the next land you’d hit is far, far away. And it smells like salt, and not just salt, like a particular kind of salt, and then like sand, all gritty and, you know, sandy. And it clings to you, like it’s coming off the water and sticking itself to you, your clothes and everything. And if it’s really early like it was when we went, the sand smells cold, and you can almost feel it as much as smell it. And I mean, you can feel it, too, when you’re walking on it, and as you get closer to the water, the sand is wetter and packed down more, so it doesn’t squish in the same way when you walk on it. And if you pick it up in your hand, it dribbles off of you like mud. And of course the sand gets everywhere, so somehow I’m still finding it in the seat of my rig weeks later. And sometimes there are birds, seagulls and stuff, flying around and calling. And you can hear the waves hitting the beach, and if there’s no one else around that’s all you can hear, like there’s no one else, just you and the birds and the water.” He pauses, grins sheepishly. “How was that?”
Jared shakes himself like he’s coming out of a dream. “That was amazing,” he says. “Did you practice that? Did you practice what you were gonna say to me about it?”
“I just got used to knowing that you like me to notice stuff and describe it.”
“So you saved it up even though you weren’t talking to me? Jensen, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that many sentences in a row without stopping.”
“I wasn’t not talking to you,” Jensen says, even though maybe that isn’t the point.
“Well, you may not have been giving me the silent treatment, but you weren’t talking to me. So I couldn’t really tell the difference, you know?” He’s trying to be nice about it, Jensen can tell, but he can also tell it hurt Jared that Jensen had reacted that way.
“Won’t happen again,” says Jensen.
“Thanks for telling me about the ocean,” Jared replies. “You did a real nice job.”
“Thanks.”
By the time another customer comes into the diner, it’s half an hour later, and Jensen looks down at the empty plate in front of him and then back up at Jared. “I think I should get going,” Jensen says, as Jared turns to get the newcomer coffee. “I’ll text you where I end up?”
“Definitely. I’ll see you later.” Jensen watches Jared grin at his new customer, an older guy definitely in Jensen’s line of work. He feels a spark of something down deep in his guts that he can’t quite explain. Jared is this kind and open with everybody, more than Jensen can imagine being.
Jensen gets a room at the Motel 6 at the next exit off the highway. He parks his truck, looking incomplete without a trailer on it, and walks over to the Rite Aid down the strip. He picks up a pack of condoms and a fresh bottle of lube, not thinking too much about why he’s doing it, or the fact that Jared hasn’t said a word about fucking him, not knowing if that’s even on the menu tonight. In between feeling guilty for being a shitty friend, Jensen has occasionally thought about that last conversation, the way it felt when Jared was talking to him so low and hot, describing all the things he could do to Jensen, touching himself. It was hot, and Jensen can easily admit that.
He doesn’t even blink at checking out at the drugstore, but he clutches the bag closely as he walks back to the motel, his hands shaking a little.
He showers, scrubbing off days on the road and taking particular care with the parts of his body he expects Jared to be touching most. He stands under the hot water for a long time, leaning into the tiled wall and just breathing. It’s rare enough lately that he has time to himself when he’s not in his rig, when there’s no highway rushing by immediately outside his window and no smell of diesel in the air. He’s grateful for the break, for some time in the quiet of the motel, and he doesn’t bother to get dressed again once he gets out of the shower, just lays himself out naked on the king-size bed, relishes the space, so different from his berth in the cab of the truck. He scrunches his toes in the comforter, rubbing the soles of his feet in the thick fabric. The air conditioning is drying the last of the water on his skin, making him shiver in the cool air. He slips under the covers, pulling them up to his chin and figuring that Jared will call when he gets off. Jensen shuts off the light and falls asleep before he’s even aware of how tired he is.
He startles awake at four am, when there’s a knock on the door. Jared. Jensen’s heartbeat kicks up another notch. He debates answering the door naked, then figures he should put on some boxers just in case someone besides Jared happens to be outside and doesn’t want an eyeful.
“Hey,” says Jared. He smells like fryer grease, and he looks like some who’s been working since seven.
“Rest of your shift go okay?” asks Jensen, stepping back from the door. He can see Jared looking at his body in the glow of the bedside lamp, and he feels a little self-conscious. People don’t get to look at him in his underwear very often, and even fewer look as closely as Jared is looking right now.
“Yeah,” says Jared, dragging his eyes up to meet Jensen’s. “I’m pretty glad to be out of there, though.” He sniffs at his shirt collar and makes a face. “Can I shower first? Before we get to… whatever. I don’t think anyone needs to get too close to me when I smell like this.”
“Yeah, go right ahead. Bathroom doesn’t have any tricks to it.”
Jensen lies back down while Jared goes in to shower. He kicks his boxers off again after a minute and figures maybe he could just get a little head start before Jared finishes. Just seeing him and knowing they’re going to do, or at least that it’ll involve getting off, is enough to make him rub clumsily at his cock. He fumbles for the lube on the nightstand and gives himself a couple of good, wet strokes before pulling back again. He doesn’t want to come like this, not knowing what plans Jared has for him, but he teases himself with fingertips, running up and down the length of his dick, rubbing at his tightening balls. He strokes the soft sweaty skin behind his balls, and then touches one wet fingertip to his hole. He’s known all along what he’s been leading towards, and he’s tempted to finger himself open, get his little hole ready for Jared’s cock, but he doesn’t want to get there yet. He dips a single fingertip into the tight clench of his ass, and he tenses and releases a shaky breath.
He doesn’t hear the water turn off, but it must because the next thing he notices is Jared standing at the foot of the bed, completely naked, watching him. His body is amazing, growing out of some obvious boyish past into a whole world of smooth lines and gorgeous angles. Jensen gasps, fucking his finger a little deeper into his ass. “Were you getting started without me?” Jared asks, his voice pulled down low like it was that night on the phone. Jensen watches the progress of Jared’s eyes down the vulnerable length of his body.
Jensen shivers a little. “Do you like what you see?” he asks, trying to sound sexy and not nervous, but it isn’t as easy as he expected.
“I like it a whole lot.” Jared’s dick is starting to fatten up, hard, and Jensen is impressed by the size of it all over again, the thick, heavy length of it. It’s different seeing it like this in the lamplight and a few feet apart, rather than just reaching for it through a tangle of clothes in an empty parking lot. Jensen twists the finger in his ass a little and watches Jared’s breath hitch. “Jesus Christ, Jensen.”
“You wanna come down here and get a closer look?” Jensen holds out his free hand, beckoning, and spreads his legs a little wider to give Jared a clear view. He tries to remember the last time he had sex in a real bed, instead of fumbling in the woods behind the state welcome center or fucking in a gas station bathroom. It’s probably been a year, maybe two, and having the space to look at Jared, to let Jared see him is delicious. He presses a second finger into himself, and it’s not easy without using more lube, but the burn just makes it better.
Jared gets onto the bed on his knees, and crawls up toward Jensen, watching his face, eyes flickering down every once in a while to the way he’s touching himself. Jensen’s heart is pounding as Jared mouths along the inside of Jensen’s thigh, strangely tender, nothing like the rush Jensen’s used to. “I’ve thought about this so fucking often,” Jared tells him, breathing the words against Jensen’s skin, making him shiver.
Jensen pulls his fingers out and reaches for the box of condoms, holding them out to Jared. “Why don’t you get to it then?” He sets the bottle of lube at his side, within easy reach. Jared bites gently at the sensitive join of his thigh, the stretch of the tendon there.
Then he moves across to suck at the tensing sac of Jensen’s balls, his tongue swirling wetly against the sensitive skin. Jensen gasps and cants his hips up, moving toward Jared’s mouth, the press of Jared’s tongue. He’s already so goddamn hard, and when Jared pulls off to lick at the tip of his cock, he moans before he can help himself, wriggling against Jared as Jared sucks the head into his mouth.
He wouldn’t let you suck him off, says a little voice in his head. He’s got poison running in his veins, and you’re letting him touch you any way he wants. Jensen shakes his head, trying to clear it. He grabs at Jared’s hair, fingers curling in a thick mass of it before tugging him off. “Should you really be doing that?” Jensen asks hoarsely.
Jared blinks in confusion for a moment before his mouth forms into a hard thin line. “I can’t give it to you this way,” he says in a bitter monotone.
Jensen shakes his head, touches Jared’s cheek. “No, I… what if I’ve got something?”
“You would have told me,” Jared says, and Jesus Christ, if he’s this naïve with everyone, no wonder he’s… Jensen stops himself. Jared may be trusting, but he isn’t stupid.
“What if I didn’t know either?” Jensen asks, and he’s not even sure why it’s so hard, why he can’t just let Jared trust him. Except that he’s never let much of anyone trust him before. He’s never been around enough that it mattered.
“You get tested. Your mom’s a nurse, and she worries about you. You get flu shots, and you sure as hell get HIV tests.”
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees.
“So let me suck your cock a little,” Jared tells him, and he goes down on Jensen again without waiting for a response. Jensen gasps and bucks into his mouth, nearly choking him, but the feeling is so sudden he can’t help it. He slides his hand back into Jared’s hair, moaning an apology.
Jared pulls off before Jensen’s ready to come, teasing him up close to the edge and then holding him back until his balls ache. “Are you gonna fuck me now?” Jensen asks impatiently, and Jared laughs against his belly.
“God, do you even have to ask?”
“Right, go to it then.” Jensen rolls onto his front, bending his knees up so his hard cock isn’t pressing into the mattress. He waits for the telltale sound of Jared uncapping the lube, waits for Jared to work him open. But everything is still and quiet, like Jared’s not even moving.
Jared clears his throat. “Could we maybe do it face to face? I just… I want to see you.”
Considering how long it’s been since he had sex in a bed, maybe it’s not surprising that he can’t remember ever having someone fuck him face to face before. But it’s strange, turning over again, looking up into Jared’s face and knowing that Jared is about to fuck him, gentle fingers starting to trace between the cheeks of his ass, making him shiver all over again.
Jared pops the cap on the lube and drizzles it over his own hand, down his oh so long fingers. Jensen can already imagine them hooked into him, working him open, and he squirms uncontrollably, trying to get a handle on everything he’s feeling. Jared touches his hole, lightly, circling, Jensen takes a shaky breath, bearing down as Jared’s fingertip presses, pushes a little and then slips into him. Jared uses his other hand to spread Jensen’s cheeks, watching himself fuck into Jensen, watching Jensen take it. It’s hotter than Jensen expected, seeing the wrecked look on his face, the eager glint in his eyes. He slides his finger is deeper, circling, making a space for himself inside. He brushes Jensen’s prostate, knows what he’s doing and nudges it again. Jensen’s dick jerks heavily against his belly. “More,” Jensen says, drawing his knees up tight and letting Jared settle in tighter between his spread legs.
Jensen’s going crazy with how much he wants it. He’s on the verge of begging aloud when Jared presses another finger into his ass, stretching him wider on them, fucking him in a steady rhythm that makes his toes curl. Jared squirts more lube down his crack, rubbing it into his skin, getting him sloppy with it. He doesn’t say anything, just watches Jensen’s face with his mouth slightly open, his eyes dark and intent. Jensen glances down at Jared’s dick, hard and thick and standing straight up from the thin curls at its base. Jensen wants it in him, knowing how much bigger it is than Jared’s fingers and not caring. He can take it. “Come on,” he whispers, and Jared’s eyes light at the blatant invitation. He circles his fingers a few more times, slow, and then withdraws them just as slowly, only then adding a third finger, unexpected and almost more than Jensen can take. But he does take it, relaxes around it and lets Jared fuck him, finally taking Jensen’s cock in hand and stroking in time with the thrusts in his ass.
He doesn’t want to come, not before Jared even gets inside him. But Jesus, he doesn’t want Jared to stop, doesn’t want Jared to stop stroking his cock or opening up his ass. “I’m close,” he manages, and Jared pauses, then twists his fingers in even deeper for a moment and makes Jensen whimper. And then he pulls away altogether and fumbles with the condom package, leaving Jensen feeling raw and open and wet, his dick still spilling precome.
Jared pulls a condom off the string and opens it carefully, letting Jensen watch him, making it so he can’t look away. It isn’t just normal, isn’t just a tease to keep it hot. Jared’s showing him that he wants to do this right, wants to do it safe, and Jensen doesn’t need it. He doesn’t care about the proof, and for a second he wonders what makes him trust Jared so damn much.
Jared rolls the condom down the length of his cock, and it seems to take years, and that is just a tease, just a way to make Jensen see what he’s getting, just how much he’s being asked to take, all wrapped up snugly in slick latex. Jared’s skin shows through pinkly under the thin seal of the condom, and Jensen thinks about getting his mouth on it, opening up his throat on the length of Jared’s big dick. Jared would let him if there was a barrier, and Jensen’s never bothered with that before, but he wants Jared’s cock in his mouth so much. Almost as much as he wants it crammed into his ass.
Jared’s watching him, stroking himself through the condom. “What the hell are you waiting for?” Jensen asks. “An engraved invitation?”
Jared grins. “You think you could come up with one of those? Because I’d be impressed.”
Jensen reaches down to finger his own hole again, dipping inside and rubbing at his sensitive rim. He tilts his hips a little, spreads his legs a little wider to give Jared a better view. “I can’t give you a better invitation than this.”
Jared licks his lips. “I couldn’t ask for one.”
He presses the tip of his dick right up against Jensen’s hole and starts to ease into him, Jensen’s body opening for it, his thighs shaking with the urge to push back and take more. Already it’s so fucking good having Jared in him, being spread so wide on the girth of his dick, and he flexes around it as Jared pushes in deeper. The long, slow slide burns a little, the best kind of pain as Jensen’s body takes him in. He watches every stutter of Jared’s hips, the way his eyes flutter closed and his lips part on a shaky breath. Jensen’s own dick is still blindingly hard, lying flat against his belly. He holds his breath until Jared’s hips finally lock with his, and he’s as deep in as he can go.
Jensen shivers all the way down to his toes, feeling Jared bottomed out in him, holding deep. He takes a deep breath through his mouth. He’s full, aching inside and so turned on that he can’t even speak, can’t even tell Jared to move, even though he needs it, needs Jared to fuck him hard. He squeezes his legs around Jared’s hips and makes a low, desperate noise. “Too much?” Jared asks, trying to pull back, but Jensen jams his hips up and rocks his head against the pillow in a denial. Not too much. Definitely not too much.
Jared touches his cheek, runs his fingers down the side of Jensen’s neck, feeling out his pulse, rubbing over the sweat on his skin. And finally, finally, he starts to move, starts to work himself in and out of Jensen’s tight hole, settling up onto his knees and angling Jensen to take him fully. Jensen moans, overwhelmed by pleasure, and Jared pinches at one of his nipples, rolling it gently between his fingertips. He doesn’t touch Jensen’s cock, but it’s leaking like crazy anyway, spurting thick swaths of precome across his belly. Jensen’s rarely come untouched, but he thinks this might be one of those times, his balls slapping fat and tight against Jared’s belly.
He wriggles his hips to find the right angle and Jared leans into him again, changing position until the tip of his dick is rubbing right on Jensen’s prostate every time he pulls back. Jensen shuts his eyes, crying out as pleasure zings up his spine. And then Jared’s mouth slides over his, open and wet and unexpected. He doesn’t kiss men, and he always figured Jared got that, but it certainly isn’t important enough to stop for an explanation right now. He turns his face to the side, and Jared’s lips find the edge of his jaw instead, and Jensen’s breath hitches as Jared mouths down his neck, pressing kisses into his sweat-slick skin. Jensen is overcome, feeling too much in too many different places, Jared’s belly rubbing his hard cock every time he moves to kiss Jensen somewhere new.
Jensen comes with a groan, his asshole clenching down tight on Jared’s cock, his whole body shuddering. Jared keeps driving into him, panting against Jensen’s throat, and then he finally goes still, holding himself deep and rocking a little against Jensen’s ass. Jensen can feel his heartbeat going wild beneath his skin where they touch.
Jared pulls out almost immediately, ties off the condom before tossing it in the trash, and goes into the bathroom to wash up. Jensen lies there sated and spent, legs splayed wide and still shaky with the aftershocks of orgasm. He touches his hole, the slippery openness of it, and if he’s sore tomorrow, it’ll be worth every fucking minute. He rubs his fingertips over sensitive skin, tracing the puffy rim of his hole, feeling the space Jared made inside him.
He pauses but doesn’t stop when Jared comes out of the bathroom, and Jared watches for a second before settling back onto the bed and handing Jensen a warm wet washcloth. He wipes himself down and can’t help the way his fingers linger, marveling at how completely well fucked he feels.
“That was amazing,” Jensen says, although his voice is still hushed and hoarse.
“Yeah,” Jared agrees. He leans up on one elbow. “Can I ask you something?”
Jensen stifles a grin. Jared’s always got some kind of question. “Sure thing. What’s on your mind?”
“Why won’t you kiss me?”
Jensen frowns. He’s had to say, “I don’t kiss,” before, had to explain that much, but of course Jared wants to know why. “I don’t kiss the guys I have sex with. And I don’t kiss my friends. I guess you’re both.”
“But why?” Jared persists. “What is it about kissing that’s different? It’s just using your mouth, and someone else’s mouth. And you let me kiss you other places. You let me suck your cock. So why does this one thing matter so much?” He touches Jensen’s lower lip with cool, damp fingertips, and Jensen flinches away, puts another foot of space between them. He thinks of every guy in school who ever mocked him with limp wrists and lisps and told him just what it looked like he did with his pretty mouth, a boiling wave of shame and anger rising in him.
“Why does it matter so much to you?” he fires back. “Why bother asking if it doesn’t matter anyway?”
“Because you’re gorgeous, and I want to kiss you, and it’s too bad that I don’t get to.” God, he’s just staring at Jensen’s mouth. It’s ridiculous, and he can’t even hate it because it’s Jared.
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just waits for Jared to give up and move on to something else. He shouldn’t have to explain himself like this. But Jared doesn’t move on, of course he doesn’t. Jared never moves on from anything.
“Do you not like kissing?”
Jensen thinks that if this is what pillow talk is like, it is a perfect fucking reason why he usually fucks men in parking lots. “I like it fine, but it’s not… It’s not the same as sex. It doesn’t have to be part of it. And I just want sex.”
Jared shakes his head. “I don’t get it. I mean, I get the sex with no strings thing. I like it as much as anybody. But when you’ve got the time and you’re not trying to get off before the cops come, why not let someone kiss you?”
“I just don’t,” Jensen says. He feels tense and cornered, and how dare Jared make him feel this way in his own goddamn motel room. “I thought you just said fucking me was amazing. Was it really just a disappointment because I don’t want to kiss you?”
“No! Not at all. I just don’t understand. Maybe I just don’t have to.”
Jensen’s defensive anger drains, and he feels like an idiot. Why the hell is kissing where he draws the line anyway? Why’s that the thing that matters? Jared is his friend, and they have a good time together, and what’s the harm in giving him this, too? “It’s okay,” Jensen says. “You can kiss me if you want to. It’s not a problem. What can it hurt?”
Jared licks his lips. “I don’t want to weird you out. But Jensen, your mouth just…” He leans in close, parting Jensen’s lips with his, nuzzling into his mouth in this way that shouldn’t be sexy, but god, if he had anything left to give right now, his dick would be standing up and begging. Jared’s tongue slides against his, and the last time Jensen kissed anyone, it was a woman in a bar a year and a half ago, and that was quick and hot and abruptly over. And it was nothing like this. Jared breathes into him, pauses to bend his head a different way, and then goes back to kissing Jensen more deeply. Jared’s tongue moves over his, guiding him, and Jared’s hands come up to cup his face. Jensen grips a hand in Jared’s hair before he can help himself. He goes lax as Jared moves half on top of him, their legs tangling, their bodies pressing together more closely.
When Jared pulls away, Jensen sucks in a deep breath. He can’t remember the last time he was kissed like that, not by anyone, and he’s shaken. He keeps his eyes closed, not looking at Jared. “Was that okay?” Jared asks.
Jensen nods, blinks up at him and then wishes he hadn’t because the soft pink of Jared’s mouth just makes him want to do it again. He’s vaguely turned on, but he can’t get it up again so soon, and it’s not just that he’s turned on anyway. He nudges his mouth up against Jared’s again to stop having to think about it.
Given that it was four in the morning when Jared showed up, it makes sense to let him stay the rest of the night. But waking up to sunlight coming through the crack in the blinds and Jared’s hair in his mouth is a little disconcerting. Jared’s head is tucked under Jensen’s chin, one of his arms is flung haphazardly across Jensen’s stomach, and as far as Jensen can tell, he is fast asleep. Even when Jensen had serious girlfriends, back when he bothered to work on things like that, he never really got used to waking up next to them. Back in high school, he would take whatever he could get, and since then he’s mostly been working a job that means he doesn’t really have time to stick around. But it’s kind of nice, Jared draped over him like dead weight, his breath warm against Jensen’s chest. Jensen picks the hair out of his mouth, and Jared stirs.
He lifts his head a little and blinks at Jensen. “Hey,” Jared says. “Sorry. Should I…” He gestures towards the door.
Jensen shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t have to be anyplace today. So you can stay if you like.”
Jared grins. “I’ll make it worth your while.” He nuzzles at Jensen’s chest, licks at one of his nipples and makes Jensen gasp. His dick’s lazily half-hard, morning wood tenting the sheet, and as Jared presses kisses down over his belly, Jensen only gets harder. When Jared’s mouth opens around the head of his dick, Jensen moans and cants his hips up, pushing towards him. Jared sucks him in deep, wrapping a hand around the base of his stiffening cock. He pulls up to lick at the sensitive underside of his dick, the little dip beneath the head. Jensen pushes the sheet back to watch Jared suck him, tangling his fingers in the mess of Jared’s hair. When Jared starts to tease a fingertip around his slick, sore hole, Jensen moans aloud. He warns Jared when he’s going to come, but he’s not surprised when Jared stays on him, swallowing as much of his come as he can and licking away the rest.
When he slides up the bed to kiss Jensen this time, Jensen doesn’t even flinch as he kisses back, tasting himself on Jared’s tongue. When he pulls away, he can feel Jared’s cock stiffened up against his thigh. He licks his lips. The box of condoms is still right by the bed, and although the taste of the lube and latex isn’t the best thing he’s ever had in his mouth, he loves the feel of Jared’s cock sliding over his tongue, pushing into his throat as he swallows. It’s so big, thick and hot, and he nearly chokes himself on it trying to take it in deeper. He takes shaky breaths through his nose, laps at Jared’s cock in spite of the taste, makes Jared moans his name again and again. When Jared comes, he can feel the hot burst of it, and he keeps sucking until Jared starts to go soft.
“How many more times can we do that today?” Jared asks breathlessly.
Jensen laughs into his hip and strips off the used condom. “A lot, I hope.”
It’s hours later, and they’re both sweaty and sticky, the air conditioner rattling to itself beside the window but doing little to keep the room cool anymore. Jensen’s asshole is practically dripping with lube, and Jared can’t seem to stop playing with it, running his fingers over the swollen heat of it, testing the give of Jensen’s hole. Jensen is sore, aching inside, but he can’t seem to get enough of it, enough of Jared’s cock inside him.
“Can I ask you something this time?” Jensen says.
Jared slows his stroking down the crack of his ass. “You wanna know how I got HIV.” He doesn’t sound surprised or defensive, just resigned.
Jensen nods against Jared’s chest. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But, you know, I wondered.”
“I don’t mind talking about it. I wouldn’t be here if I minded. I would have just kept letting you jerk me off and never told you.”
“How old were you?”
“It was two years ago when the test came back positive. But I don’t know how long before that I was infected. I hadn’t gotten tested before. I wasn’t like you.”
Jensen grimaces guiltily. “It’s not like I’m so good about it. I do a lot of things I shouldn’t. You’ve been there for some of them.” He doesn’t think about it usually. He doesn’t think about much of anything to do with sex unless it’s immediately on his radar, unless there’s some guy eyeing him from across the bar, some guy flirting with him in a roadside diner. It doesn’t matter in the rest of his life. And the fact that he gets an HIV test every six months because his mom thinks it’s the right thing for a single man to do doesn’t change that.
“You seem like you’re doing okay. Whoever infected me didn’t let me know it could happen. He didn’t think about it for one second. You’re better than that.”
“I guess. So you don’t know who it was?”
“Not a clue. There were plenty of guys who came into the diner, plenty of guys who would wink at me, offer me things for a handjob or a blowjob. Not like… I wasn’t prostituting myself, but they’d talk with me, and I was... I was lonely, I guess. I wanted the attention, and I wanted the sex. And sometimes they’d write to me, once or twice. Or call me. Once or twice. But it wasn’t like any of them were repeat performances. It wasn’t like they were my friends. I didn’t have a whole lot in my life.”
It hurts, god, more than Jensen even expected, hearing Jared talk about it, hearing that he was hurting that much. “That sucks, Jared. That just… it sucks.”
Jared laughs humorlessly. “Yeah. It does. But so, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know which guy it was. I usually used condoms, but I wasn’t careful. I didn’t bring it up much. I wouldn’t argue if someone didn’t want to. So it’s my fault, and I can handle that.” He takes a deep breath. “But sometimes I think about like, what if it was a long time before I knew? What if I was fucking strangers and not knowing it was dangerous to them for months? I had been at the diner almost a year when I got tested. I had probably been with thirty or forty different guys by then. What if I infected them too? What if I did the same thing to them that that guy did to me?”
Jensen shakes his head. He doesn’t know what he’s denying, even, except that he doesn’t want Jared to hurt like that. “You got tested, though. You know now. You’re being careful now. That’s what you can do. What made you get tested finally?”
“A friend of mine from school. She was going. Her boyfriend cheated on her, and she thought maybe he had given her something. So I went, too, for moral support, you know? She was fine. But I wasn’t.”
“Did you think maybe you wouldn’t be? Did you expect it at all?”
“Nope. I was every stupid stereotype. I thought it couldn’t ever happen to me. I figured, you know, since I was safe most of the time, I didn’t have anything to worry about.”
Jensen feels such overwhelming tenderness for him, this tight ache under his breastbone. “What did you do when you found out?”
“I got really, really drunk. I went out to a bar with some friends and did shots until I couldn’t even see straight. I didn’t even tell anyone what was wrong. I’d never told them what I was doing since I started at the diner. I’d never even told them I was gay.”
Jensen tenses. He can’t help it.
“You don’t think you are, right?” Jared asks gently. “You think you’re not gay.”
It’s worse, then, the gentleness. Jensen sits up, trying to get away, put a little space between them. “No. I’m not. It’s not that I don’t think anything. I’m not… gay.” Just the word makes him nauseous, makes him think about the guys he sees in big cities sometimes with their hair gel and eye makeup and t-shirts with slogans like “I’m The Boy Your Mother Warned You About” on them, the guys he picks up when he’s desperate because if nothing else they know how to get off and get out. Jared isn’t like that. Why would Jared want to say he was like that? Why would anyone with any sense want that?
“Okay, bisexual. Do you think you’re bisexual?”
“No! Jesus Christ, Jared, I thought we were the same. I thought you got it. Just because I do this” - he gestures at the rumpled bed around them - “it doesn’t mean I’m not normal.”
“What does normal have to do with it? I thought I got it, too. I thought I got it more than this. But you’re just. Jensen, straight guys don’t do this. They don’t do the things we do, and definitely not over and over again. You’re not like those guys who would just get off in five minutes and then go. You’re different. You feel different. I know you do. And I’ve waited. God, I’ve waited for you to figure it out. And I thought maybe, just maybe, you finally had.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not gay. I’ve got a job that keeps me from having a girlfriend like a normal person. But I’m gonna work it out at some point. And I’m gonna have a wife and a house and a life that isn’t just… this.”
Jared shrugs. “Okay, if that’s what you really want.”
He sounds disbelieving, and Jensen’s anger wells up sudden and fierce. “Jared, you’re better than those people. You don’t have to be like them.”
“What people?”
“Gays. You don’t have to turn yourself into that in order to… I don’t know. I don’t know what you think that’ll get you.”
“Jensen, what the fuck do you think being gay is besides liking sex with men and wanting to do pretty much exactly what we’re doing right now?”
Jensen is finally mad enough to make it off the bed, stumbling back into his boxers and folding his arms across his chest. “It’s just sex, Jared. We’re guys, and guys like sex, and it doesn’t have to be an identity or whatever. You don’t need to go out and march in parades. You don’t have to have bumper stickers and go around holding hands. It can just be sex.”
“Is it just sex when you’re talking to me on the phone for hours? When you’re telling me what the ocean is like? When you smile every time you come into the diner and look so glad to see me, is that sex?”
“No. Of course not. We’re friends. But sex doesn’t have anything to do with that.”
“So the fact that you like having sex with me and you can also talk to me for hours, those things can’t have anything to do with each other? How does that make more sense than being gay?”
Jensen rubs his hands over his face. “It’s not that they can’t have anything to do with each other. I’m just not gay.”
Jared shakes his head. “Okay. Okay, you’re not gay. You just like having sex with me and you also like being my friend, and that’s not gay.”
“You sound like you don’t believe it.”
“I don’t. But I can’t change your mind for you.” Jared slides off the bed, and Jensen’s struck by the long, gorgeous line of his back as he bends to pick up his clothes. He doesn’t want to be, doesn’t want to notice anything at all about Jared at the moment.
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just watches Jared put himself back together, stepping into his rumpled clothes from the night before. He opens his mouth a few times, but it’s not until Jared steps back out of the bathroom with his face freshly scrubbed that Jensen manages to make any words come out of his mouth. “I’ll think about it, okay? I can’t give you anything better than that.”
Jared takes a couple of halting steps toward him, then stops with his hands in his pockets. “That’s all I could ask for. Just think about it. And you can call me, whenever, if you want to talk about it.” He takes two more steps, and then he’s close enough to take Jensen’s face between his hands and kiss him. Jensen doesn’t stop him, just opens his mouth a little to the slow press of Jared’s tongue. He curls a hand in Jared’s shirt to keep him close, sucking at his lower lip until Jared sighs and deepens the kiss. Jensen’s never had to lean up to kiss someone before, but he does now, and he finds it’s not as weird as he expected. He kisses Jared until Jared stops him gently. “I should go,” Jared says. “Do you know when you’ll be back this way?”
“Not for a while,” replies Jensen. “I don’t have any jobs out this way for the next couple of weeks, and then I have to go home for my sister’s wedding.”
“Your sister’s getting married? She’s younger, right?”
“Your age.” Jensen smiles wryly. “I’m the only one left now. I assume my mom’s going to have a whole line-up of single girls for me at the wedding.”
Jared returns his smile sadly, still looking at his face. “I hope that works out for you.”
“I’ll let you know.”
masterpost | part 1 | part 1a | part 2 | epilogue | art post
Jensen can’t make himself call. Every time he picks up his phone and thumbs through his contacts until he gets to Jared’s name, he hesitates and can’t do it, doesn’t know what the fuck he would even say. For some stupid reason, it’s easier to convince himself to get off the highway at the familiar exit the next time he’s passing through central Indiana. He drives like he’s not thinking about it, focusing on the road in front of him and not thinking about the fact that it’s only 9 at night and Jared might not even be working.
If this doesn’t work, he’s not sure what he’ll do. He can’t drive his rig into the little downtown area where Jared lives. He doesn’t think he can call. So when he walks in the door of the diner and Jared looks up from behind the empty counter, he’s so relieved it feels like breathing for the first time in days. Jared doesn’t smile, but Jensen can see him trying, twitching the corners of his lips like he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do, if he’s supposed to be happy to see Jensen or not.
Jensen slings himself onto a stool and scratches at the back of his head. “Hey,” he says. There’s no one else in the diner, not a soul, and Jensen can talk as quietly and sheepishly as he wants to.
“Hey,” says Jared. “Didn’t know if I’d see you again.”
“I didn’t know if you would either,” Jensen says honestly. “I wasn’t sure what to do with your little, uh, announcement.”
“There’s no good way to say it, you know. I’ve tried different things, but it’s always. It’s not a nice thing to have to say.”
“It’s good that you told me, though. I mean, eventually I was glad. That you were honest and everything.”
“If we’re gonna keep on, like we had been, you needed to know.” He licks his lips, and shit, Jensen still wants him. Jared doesn’t look sick. He looks tall and strong and young, too fucking young to be sick. “I’m not… I don’t have AIDS. It’s not the same thing. Some people don’t know that, so I figure I should say. I could, one day, if I don’t take care of myself, or I get sick with something else, but right now I’m fine. I’m healthy. I just have this thing inside me, and it might…” He doesn’t finish, he doesn’t have to. He looks even younger, nervous and uncertain. Sometimes Jensen thinks about what would happen if he got into a wreck, but it’s not the same as knowing you have something that might kill you.
“I shouldn’t have freaked out. We’re friends. We’re still friends, and I don’t want that to change. I just didn’t know how to deal, so I had to take some time.”
Jared hands him a cup of coffee, and Jensen wraps his hands around it to stop himself fidgeting. “Can I get you anything else?” Jared asks.
Jensen reaches across the counter and grabs his wrist. Jared flinches, but doesn’t break away. “Please. I’m sorry. I want to go back to how things were.”
Jared turns his arm in Jensen’s grip and strokes the inside of Jensen’s wrist with his fingertips. Jensen takes a shaky breath. “I think I’d like that,” Jared says. “I didn’t like not talking to you.”
“Yeah.” Jensen has plenty of other friends, guys he talks to on the CB sometimes, people back home he keeps in touch with, but none of them are like Jared. He’s logged more hours on the phone with Jared in the last few months than probably with his own family. “I didn’t have anybody to ask me what the trees looked like in Arkansas.”
Jared throws his head back and laughs, big and genuine. “So what were the trees like in Arkansas?”
“Nobody was asking me about them, so I didn’t even notice.”
Jared leans his arms on the counter. “Where else have you been lately?”
“Jim and I went out to San Diego. It was a long trip, but it was fun, catching up.” He doesn’t mention Jim thinking he was gay, although it’s still nagging at him in a stupid, unstoppable way. “And we got out to the beach for at least a few minutes while we were out there. I got you a postcard, but I didn’t send it.”
“Yeah? You have it with you?”
“Out in the truck. I know you wanted to get out and see an ocean sometime.”
“Or even a really big lake. I can’t afford to be picky at this point in my life.” Jared rocks on his heels a little. “So do you want me to go out to the truck with you and see if we can get my postcard?” It’s so fucking blatant that it’s almost clumsy, and Jensen grins in spite of himself. He missed this too. The promise of semi-regular sex with someone who was starting to learn what Jensen liked.
“You’re the only person working. Don’t you have to stay here?”
Jared glances at the grill, on but turned down low with nothing to cook on it. “I should,” he admits. “I just don’t really want to.”
“When do you get off?” Jensen asks, realizing as soon as the words are out that it’s got a serious double meaning.
Jared grins. “Good question.”
“Well, I meant, I was going to take the night, and maybe get a room and sleep in a real bed. So if you were getting off of work later and wanted to come by, we could probably work something out.”
“I’m supposed to stay until three, but maybe I could call somebody, say I was sick or something. I don’t need the hours that bad.”
“Are you sure? I don’t wanna get in the way of your job. You could also come by at three. I can just sleep until then, and it’ll still be a couple of hours before I need to get on the road again.”
“Okay,” Jared says, and he sounds relieved. He can’t be making a lot of money working a job like this, and surely every little bit must help. “Don’t stay at the place across the way. Pretty much any dump along the road is going to be cleaner than that place. Hell, staying in the dumpster out back might be better. Just a word of advice there.”
“I guess I’ll keep that in mind then. I can text from wherever I end up.”
“I’ve got a half a tank of gas, so I can get a pretty long ways if I have to.”
“Don’t think I’m really going to go too far. Just far enough to get a bed someplace better than a dumpster.”
Jared grins. “I think you can do that. You want something to eat?”
Jensen considers the possibilities. “Short stack, side of bacon.”
Jared nods. “Traditional.” He turns towards the griddle.
“Is it always this quiet this time of night?” Jensen asks.
“On weeknights you bet your ass it is. Anybody going long distance is figuring they can make it one more hour before they crash for the night, and all the dinner crowd from around these parts is long, long gone. It’ll pick up again after ten. For some reason, ten is the magic number when they start realizing they still need to eat to go on with whatever they were doing.”
“You really have this down to a science, don’t you?” Jensen asks, impressed.
Jared pours out some pancake batter onto the griddle and turns back to look at him. “You try doing this job full-time for a year, and I guarantee you’ll know plenty of the ins and outs. It’s just like the tide coming in and out; there’s a basic rhythm to it. Deviations also, sure, but this kind of thing is really pretty predictable as far as we’re going on an everyday basis.”
While Jensen eats his pancakes, Jared chatters on about whatever crosses his mind, elbows resting on the counter, his face open and eager in the way Jensen’s gotten so used to, as though no time has passed at all since the last time Jensen was here eating pancakes and talking about nothing in particular. As if Jensen hasn’t spent the last few weeks being a shitty friend because he didn’t know what else to do. Eventually, Jared asks him to talk a little more about where he’s been and what it was like. “Tell me about the ocean,” he says. “Describe it for me.”
Jensen chuckles self-consciously. “You know, there are plenty of books and things that talk about what the ocean’s like. I could just get you one of those. You don’t need me to describe it for you.”
“Sure I do,” Jared replies. “There’s not a book in the world that could tell me what the ocean’s like for you. Unless you’ve written one I don’t know about.”
It isn’t as though they haven’t been through all this before. It definitely isn’t new. But it doesn’t mean that Jensen understands it any better, why Jared wants this from him, when he’s never ever been good with words like Jared is. He knows his strengths pretty well, and that isn’t one of them. Still, he takes a deep breath, getting a clear picture in his head to start from, and says, “It’s big. It’s so big you can barely even imagine it. So big that everywhere you look in front of you is just water, and you know it just keeps going past the horizon, that the next land you’d hit is far, far away. And it smells like salt, and not just salt, like a particular kind of salt, and then like sand, all gritty and, you know, sandy. And it clings to you, like it’s coming off the water and sticking itself to you, your clothes and everything. And if it’s really early like it was when we went, the sand smells cold, and you can almost feel it as much as smell it. And I mean, you can feel it, too, when you’re walking on it, and as you get closer to the water, the sand is wetter and packed down more, so it doesn’t squish in the same way when you walk on it. And if you pick it up in your hand, it dribbles off of you like mud. And of course the sand gets everywhere, so somehow I’m still finding it in the seat of my rig weeks later. And sometimes there are birds, seagulls and stuff, flying around and calling. And you can hear the waves hitting the beach, and if there’s no one else around that’s all you can hear, like there’s no one else, just you and the birds and the water.” He pauses, grins sheepishly. “How was that?”
Jared shakes himself like he’s coming out of a dream. “That was amazing,” he says. “Did you practice that? Did you practice what you were gonna say to me about it?”
“I just got used to knowing that you like me to notice stuff and describe it.”
“So you saved it up even though you weren’t talking to me? Jensen, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that many sentences in a row without stopping.”
“I wasn’t not talking to you,” Jensen says, even though maybe that isn’t the point.
“Well, you may not have been giving me the silent treatment, but you weren’t talking to me. So I couldn’t really tell the difference, you know?” He’s trying to be nice about it, Jensen can tell, but he can also tell it hurt Jared that Jensen had reacted that way.
“Won’t happen again,” says Jensen.
“Thanks for telling me about the ocean,” Jared replies. “You did a real nice job.”
“Thanks.”
By the time another customer comes into the diner, it’s half an hour later, and Jensen looks down at the empty plate in front of him and then back up at Jared. “I think I should get going,” Jensen says, as Jared turns to get the newcomer coffee. “I’ll text you where I end up?”
“Definitely. I’ll see you later.” Jensen watches Jared grin at his new customer, an older guy definitely in Jensen’s line of work. He feels a spark of something down deep in his guts that he can’t quite explain. Jared is this kind and open with everybody, more than Jensen can imagine being.
Jensen gets a room at the Motel 6 at the next exit off the highway. He parks his truck, looking incomplete without a trailer on it, and walks over to the Rite Aid down the strip. He picks up a pack of condoms and a fresh bottle of lube, not thinking too much about why he’s doing it, or the fact that Jared hasn’t said a word about fucking him, not knowing if that’s even on the menu tonight. In between feeling guilty for being a shitty friend, Jensen has occasionally thought about that last conversation, the way it felt when Jared was talking to him so low and hot, describing all the things he could do to Jensen, touching himself. It was hot, and Jensen can easily admit that.
He doesn’t even blink at checking out at the drugstore, but he clutches the bag closely as he walks back to the motel, his hands shaking a little.
He showers, scrubbing off days on the road and taking particular care with the parts of his body he expects Jared to be touching most. He stands under the hot water for a long time, leaning into the tiled wall and just breathing. It’s rare enough lately that he has time to himself when he’s not in his rig, when there’s no highway rushing by immediately outside his window and no smell of diesel in the air. He’s grateful for the break, for some time in the quiet of the motel, and he doesn’t bother to get dressed again once he gets out of the shower, just lays himself out naked on the king-size bed, relishes the space, so different from his berth in the cab of the truck. He scrunches his toes in the comforter, rubbing the soles of his feet in the thick fabric. The air conditioning is drying the last of the water on his skin, making him shiver in the cool air. He slips under the covers, pulling them up to his chin and figuring that Jared will call when he gets off. Jensen shuts off the light and falls asleep before he’s even aware of how tired he is.
He startles awake at four am, when there’s a knock on the door. Jared. Jensen’s heartbeat kicks up another notch. He debates answering the door naked, then figures he should put on some boxers just in case someone besides Jared happens to be outside and doesn’t want an eyeful.
“Hey,” says Jared. He smells like fryer grease, and he looks like some who’s been working since seven.
“Rest of your shift go okay?” asks Jensen, stepping back from the door. He can see Jared looking at his body in the glow of the bedside lamp, and he feels a little self-conscious. People don’t get to look at him in his underwear very often, and even fewer look as closely as Jared is looking right now.
“Yeah,” says Jared, dragging his eyes up to meet Jensen’s. “I’m pretty glad to be out of there, though.” He sniffs at his shirt collar and makes a face. “Can I shower first? Before we get to… whatever. I don’t think anyone needs to get too close to me when I smell like this.”
“Yeah, go right ahead. Bathroom doesn’t have any tricks to it.”
Jensen lies back down while Jared goes in to shower. He kicks his boxers off again after a minute and figures maybe he could just get a little head start before Jared finishes. Just seeing him and knowing they’re going to do, or at least that it’ll involve getting off, is enough to make him rub clumsily at his cock. He fumbles for the lube on the nightstand and gives himself a couple of good, wet strokes before pulling back again. He doesn’t want to come like this, not knowing what plans Jared has for him, but he teases himself with fingertips, running up and down the length of his dick, rubbing at his tightening balls. He strokes the soft sweaty skin behind his balls, and then touches one wet fingertip to his hole. He’s known all along what he’s been leading towards, and he’s tempted to finger himself open, get his little hole ready for Jared’s cock, but he doesn’t want to get there yet. He dips a single fingertip into the tight clench of his ass, and he tenses and releases a shaky breath.
He doesn’t hear the water turn off, but it must because the next thing he notices is Jared standing at the foot of the bed, completely naked, watching him. His body is amazing, growing out of some obvious boyish past into a whole world of smooth lines and gorgeous angles. Jensen gasps, fucking his finger a little deeper into his ass. “Were you getting started without me?” Jared asks, his voice pulled down low like it was that night on the phone. Jensen watches the progress of Jared’s eyes down the vulnerable length of his body.
Jensen shivers a little. “Do you like what you see?” he asks, trying to sound sexy and not nervous, but it isn’t as easy as he expected.
“I like it a whole lot.” Jared’s dick is starting to fatten up, hard, and Jensen is impressed by the size of it all over again, the thick, heavy length of it. It’s different seeing it like this in the lamplight and a few feet apart, rather than just reaching for it through a tangle of clothes in an empty parking lot. Jensen twists the finger in his ass a little and watches Jared’s breath hitch. “Jesus Christ, Jensen.”
“You wanna come down here and get a closer look?” Jensen holds out his free hand, beckoning, and spreads his legs a little wider to give Jared a clear view. He tries to remember the last time he had sex in a real bed, instead of fumbling in the woods behind the state welcome center or fucking in a gas station bathroom. It’s probably been a year, maybe two, and having the space to look at Jared, to let Jared see him is delicious. He presses a second finger into himself, and it’s not easy without using more lube, but the burn just makes it better.
Jared gets onto the bed on his knees, and crawls up toward Jensen, watching his face, eyes flickering down every once in a while to the way he’s touching himself. Jensen’s heart is pounding as Jared mouths along the inside of Jensen’s thigh, strangely tender, nothing like the rush Jensen’s used to. “I’ve thought about this so fucking often,” Jared tells him, breathing the words against Jensen’s skin, making him shiver.
Jensen pulls his fingers out and reaches for the box of condoms, holding them out to Jared. “Why don’t you get to it then?” He sets the bottle of lube at his side, within easy reach. Jared bites gently at the sensitive join of his thigh, the stretch of the tendon there.
Then he moves across to suck at the tensing sac of Jensen’s balls, his tongue swirling wetly against the sensitive skin. Jensen gasps and cants his hips up, moving toward Jared’s mouth, the press of Jared’s tongue. He’s already so goddamn hard, and when Jared pulls off to lick at the tip of his cock, he moans before he can help himself, wriggling against Jared as Jared sucks the head into his mouth.
He wouldn’t let you suck him off, says a little voice in his head. He’s got poison running in his veins, and you’re letting him touch you any way he wants. Jensen shakes his head, trying to clear it. He grabs at Jared’s hair, fingers curling in a thick mass of it before tugging him off. “Should you really be doing that?” Jensen asks hoarsely.
Jared blinks in confusion for a moment before his mouth forms into a hard thin line. “I can’t give it to you this way,” he says in a bitter monotone.
Jensen shakes his head, touches Jared’s cheek. “No, I… what if I’ve got something?”
“You would have told me,” Jared says, and Jesus Christ, if he’s this naïve with everyone, no wonder he’s… Jensen stops himself. Jared may be trusting, but he isn’t stupid.
“What if I didn’t know either?” Jensen asks, and he’s not even sure why it’s so hard, why he can’t just let Jared trust him. Except that he’s never let much of anyone trust him before. He’s never been around enough that it mattered.
“You get tested. Your mom’s a nurse, and she worries about you. You get flu shots, and you sure as hell get HIV tests.”
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees.
“So let me suck your cock a little,” Jared tells him, and he goes down on Jensen again without waiting for a response. Jensen gasps and bucks into his mouth, nearly choking him, but the feeling is so sudden he can’t help it. He slides his hand back into Jared’s hair, moaning an apology.
Jared pulls off before Jensen’s ready to come, teasing him up close to the edge and then holding him back until his balls ache. “Are you gonna fuck me now?” Jensen asks impatiently, and Jared laughs against his belly.
“God, do you even have to ask?”
“Right, go to it then.” Jensen rolls onto his front, bending his knees up so his hard cock isn’t pressing into the mattress. He waits for the telltale sound of Jared uncapping the lube, waits for Jared to work him open. But everything is still and quiet, like Jared’s not even moving.
Jared clears his throat. “Could we maybe do it face to face? I just… I want to see you.”
Considering how long it’s been since he had sex in a bed, maybe it’s not surprising that he can’t remember ever having someone fuck him face to face before. But it’s strange, turning over again, looking up into Jared’s face and knowing that Jared is about to fuck him, gentle fingers starting to trace between the cheeks of his ass, making him shiver all over again.
Jared pops the cap on the lube and drizzles it over his own hand, down his oh so long fingers. Jensen can already imagine them hooked into him, working him open, and he squirms uncontrollably, trying to get a handle on everything he’s feeling. Jared touches his hole, lightly, circling, Jensen takes a shaky breath, bearing down as Jared’s fingertip presses, pushes a little and then slips into him. Jared uses his other hand to spread Jensen’s cheeks, watching himself fuck into Jensen, watching Jensen take it. It’s hotter than Jensen expected, seeing the wrecked look on his face, the eager glint in his eyes. He slides his finger is deeper, circling, making a space for himself inside. He brushes Jensen’s prostate, knows what he’s doing and nudges it again. Jensen’s dick jerks heavily against his belly. “More,” Jensen says, drawing his knees up tight and letting Jared settle in tighter between his spread legs.
Jensen’s going crazy with how much he wants it. He’s on the verge of begging aloud when Jared presses another finger into his ass, stretching him wider on them, fucking him in a steady rhythm that makes his toes curl. Jared squirts more lube down his crack, rubbing it into his skin, getting him sloppy with it. He doesn’t say anything, just watches Jensen’s face with his mouth slightly open, his eyes dark and intent. Jensen glances down at Jared’s dick, hard and thick and standing straight up from the thin curls at its base. Jensen wants it in him, knowing how much bigger it is than Jared’s fingers and not caring. He can take it. “Come on,” he whispers, and Jared’s eyes light at the blatant invitation. He circles his fingers a few more times, slow, and then withdraws them just as slowly, only then adding a third finger, unexpected and almost more than Jensen can take. But he does take it, relaxes around it and lets Jared fuck him, finally taking Jensen’s cock in hand and stroking in time with the thrusts in his ass.
He doesn’t want to come, not before Jared even gets inside him. But Jesus, he doesn’t want Jared to stop, doesn’t want Jared to stop stroking his cock or opening up his ass. “I’m close,” he manages, and Jared pauses, then twists his fingers in even deeper for a moment and makes Jensen whimper. And then he pulls away altogether and fumbles with the condom package, leaving Jensen feeling raw and open and wet, his dick still spilling precome.
Jared pulls a condom off the string and opens it carefully, letting Jensen watch him, making it so he can’t look away. It isn’t just normal, isn’t just a tease to keep it hot. Jared’s showing him that he wants to do this right, wants to do it safe, and Jensen doesn’t need it. He doesn’t care about the proof, and for a second he wonders what makes him trust Jared so damn much.
Jared rolls the condom down the length of his cock, and it seems to take years, and that is just a tease, just a way to make Jensen see what he’s getting, just how much he’s being asked to take, all wrapped up snugly in slick latex. Jared’s skin shows through pinkly under the thin seal of the condom, and Jensen thinks about getting his mouth on it, opening up his throat on the length of Jared’s big dick. Jared would let him if there was a barrier, and Jensen’s never bothered with that before, but he wants Jared’s cock in his mouth so much. Almost as much as he wants it crammed into his ass.
Jared’s watching him, stroking himself through the condom. “What the hell are you waiting for?” Jensen asks. “An engraved invitation?”
Jared grins. “You think you could come up with one of those? Because I’d be impressed.”
Jensen reaches down to finger his own hole again, dipping inside and rubbing at his sensitive rim. He tilts his hips a little, spreads his legs a little wider to give Jared a better view. “I can’t give you a better invitation than this.”
Jared licks his lips. “I couldn’t ask for one.”
He presses the tip of his dick right up against Jensen’s hole and starts to ease into him, Jensen’s body opening for it, his thighs shaking with the urge to push back and take more. Already it’s so fucking good having Jared in him, being spread so wide on the girth of his dick, and he flexes around it as Jared pushes in deeper. The long, slow slide burns a little, the best kind of pain as Jensen’s body takes him in. He watches every stutter of Jared’s hips, the way his eyes flutter closed and his lips part on a shaky breath. Jensen’s own dick is still blindingly hard, lying flat against his belly. He holds his breath until Jared’s hips finally lock with his, and he’s as deep in as he can go.
Jensen shivers all the way down to his toes, feeling Jared bottomed out in him, holding deep. He takes a deep breath through his mouth. He’s full, aching inside and so turned on that he can’t even speak, can’t even tell Jared to move, even though he needs it, needs Jared to fuck him hard. He squeezes his legs around Jared’s hips and makes a low, desperate noise. “Too much?” Jared asks, trying to pull back, but Jensen jams his hips up and rocks his head against the pillow in a denial. Not too much. Definitely not too much.
Jared touches his cheek, runs his fingers down the side of Jensen’s neck, feeling out his pulse, rubbing over the sweat on his skin. And finally, finally, he starts to move, starts to work himself in and out of Jensen’s tight hole, settling up onto his knees and angling Jensen to take him fully. Jensen moans, overwhelmed by pleasure, and Jared pinches at one of his nipples, rolling it gently between his fingertips. He doesn’t touch Jensen’s cock, but it’s leaking like crazy anyway, spurting thick swaths of precome across his belly. Jensen’s rarely come untouched, but he thinks this might be one of those times, his balls slapping fat and tight against Jared’s belly.
He wriggles his hips to find the right angle and Jared leans into him again, changing position until the tip of his dick is rubbing right on Jensen’s prostate every time he pulls back. Jensen shuts his eyes, crying out as pleasure zings up his spine. And then Jared’s mouth slides over his, open and wet and unexpected. He doesn’t kiss men, and he always figured Jared got that, but it certainly isn’t important enough to stop for an explanation right now. He turns his face to the side, and Jared’s lips find the edge of his jaw instead, and Jensen’s breath hitches as Jared mouths down his neck, pressing kisses into his sweat-slick skin. Jensen is overcome, feeling too much in too many different places, Jared’s belly rubbing his hard cock every time he moves to kiss Jensen somewhere new.
Jensen comes with a groan, his asshole clenching down tight on Jared’s cock, his whole body shuddering. Jared keeps driving into him, panting against Jensen’s throat, and then he finally goes still, holding himself deep and rocking a little against Jensen’s ass. Jensen can feel his heartbeat going wild beneath his skin where they touch.
Jared pulls out almost immediately, ties off the condom before tossing it in the trash, and goes into the bathroom to wash up. Jensen lies there sated and spent, legs splayed wide and still shaky with the aftershocks of orgasm. He touches his hole, the slippery openness of it, and if he’s sore tomorrow, it’ll be worth every fucking minute. He rubs his fingertips over sensitive skin, tracing the puffy rim of his hole, feeling the space Jared made inside him.
He pauses but doesn’t stop when Jared comes out of the bathroom, and Jared watches for a second before settling back onto the bed and handing Jensen a warm wet washcloth. He wipes himself down and can’t help the way his fingers linger, marveling at how completely well fucked he feels.
“That was amazing,” Jensen says, although his voice is still hushed and hoarse.
“Yeah,” Jared agrees. He leans up on one elbow. “Can I ask you something?”
Jensen stifles a grin. Jared’s always got some kind of question. “Sure thing. What’s on your mind?”
“Why won’t you kiss me?”
Jensen frowns. He’s had to say, “I don’t kiss,” before, had to explain that much, but of course Jared wants to know why. “I don’t kiss the guys I have sex with. And I don’t kiss my friends. I guess you’re both.”
“But why?” Jared persists. “What is it about kissing that’s different? It’s just using your mouth, and someone else’s mouth. And you let me kiss you other places. You let me suck your cock. So why does this one thing matter so much?” He touches Jensen’s lower lip with cool, damp fingertips, and Jensen flinches away, puts another foot of space between them. He thinks of every guy in school who ever mocked him with limp wrists and lisps and told him just what it looked like he did with his pretty mouth, a boiling wave of shame and anger rising in him.
“Why does it matter so much to you?” he fires back. “Why bother asking if it doesn’t matter anyway?”
“Because you’re gorgeous, and I want to kiss you, and it’s too bad that I don’t get to.” God, he’s just staring at Jensen’s mouth. It’s ridiculous, and he can’t even hate it because it’s Jared.
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just waits for Jared to give up and move on to something else. He shouldn’t have to explain himself like this. But Jared doesn’t move on, of course he doesn’t. Jared never moves on from anything.
“Do you not like kissing?”
Jensen thinks that if this is what pillow talk is like, it is a perfect fucking reason why he usually fucks men in parking lots. “I like it fine, but it’s not… It’s not the same as sex. It doesn’t have to be part of it. And I just want sex.”
Jared shakes his head. “I don’t get it. I mean, I get the sex with no strings thing. I like it as much as anybody. But when you’ve got the time and you’re not trying to get off before the cops come, why not let someone kiss you?”
“I just don’t,” Jensen says. He feels tense and cornered, and how dare Jared make him feel this way in his own goddamn motel room. “I thought you just said fucking me was amazing. Was it really just a disappointment because I don’t want to kiss you?”
“No! Not at all. I just don’t understand. Maybe I just don’t have to.”
Jensen’s defensive anger drains, and he feels like an idiot. Why the hell is kissing where he draws the line anyway? Why’s that the thing that matters? Jared is his friend, and they have a good time together, and what’s the harm in giving him this, too? “It’s okay,” Jensen says. “You can kiss me if you want to. It’s not a problem. What can it hurt?”
Jared licks his lips. “I don’t want to weird you out. But Jensen, your mouth just…” He leans in close, parting Jensen’s lips with his, nuzzling into his mouth in this way that shouldn’t be sexy, but god, if he had anything left to give right now, his dick would be standing up and begging. Jared’s tongue slides against his, and the last time Jensen kissed anyone, it was a woman in a bar a year and a half ago, and that was quick and hot and abruptly over. And it was nothing like this. Jared breathes into him, pauses to bend his head a different way, and then goes back to kissing Jensen more deeply. Jared’s tongue moves over his, guiding him, and Jared’s hands come up to cup his face. Jensen grips a hand in Jared’s hair before he can help himself. He goes lax as Jared moves half on top of him, their legs tangling, their bodies pressing together more closely.
When Jared pulls away, Jensen sucks in a deep breath. He can’t remember the last time he was kissed like that, not by anyone, and he’s shaken. He keeps his eyes closed, not looking at Jared. “Was that okay?” Jared asks.
Jensen nods, blinks up at him and then wishes he hadn’t because the soft pink of Jared’s mouth just makes him want to do it again. He’s vaguely turned on, but he can’t get it up again so soon, and it’s not just that he’s turned on anyway. He nudges his mouth up against Jared’s again to stop having to think about it.
Given that it was four in the morning when Jared showed up, it makes sense to let him stay the rest of the night. But waking up to sunlight coming through the crack in the blinds and Jared’s hair in his mouth is a little disconcerting. Jared’s head is tucked under Jensen’s chin, one of his arms is flung haphazardly across Jensen’s stomach, and as far as Jensen can tell, he is fast asleep. Even when Jensen had serious girlfriends, back when he bothered to work on things like that, he never really got used to waking up next to them. Back in high school, he would take whatever he could get, and since then he’s mostly been working a job that means he doesn’t really have time to stick around. But it’s kind of nice, Jared draped over him like dead weight, his breath warm against Jensen’s chest. Jensen picks the hair out of his mouth, and Jared stirs.
He lifts his head a little and blinks at Jensen. “Hey,” Jared says. “Sorry. Should I…” He gestures towards the door.
Jensen shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t have to be anyplace today. So you can stay if you like.”
Jared grins. “I’ll make it worth your while.” He nuzzles at Jensen’s chest, licks at one of his nipples and makes Jensen gasp. His dick’s lazily half-hard, morning wood tenting the sheet, and as Jared presses kisses down over his belly, Jensen only gets harder. When Jared’s mouth opens around the head of his dick, Jensen moans and cants his hips up, pushing towards him. Jared sucks him in deep, wrapping a hand around the base of his stiffening cock. He pulls up to lick at the sensitive underside of his dick, the little dip beneath the head. Jensen pushes the sheet back to watch Jared suck him, tangling his fingers in the mess of Jared’s hair. When Jared starts to tease a fingertip around his slick, sore hole, Jensen moans aloud. He warns Jared when he’s going to come, but he’s not surprised when Jared stays on him, swallowing as much of his come as he can and licking away the rest.
When he slides up the bed to kiss Jensen this time, Jensen doesn’t even flinch as he kisses back, tasting himself on Jared’s tongue. When he pulls away, he can feel Jared’s cock stiffened up against his thigh. He licks his lips. The box of condoms is still right by the bed, and although the taste of the lube and latex isn’t the best thing he’s ever had in his mouth, he loves the feel of Jared’s cock sliding over his tongue, pushing into his throat as he swallows. It’s so big, thick and hot, and he nearly chokes himself on it trying to take it in deeper. He takes shaky breaths through his nose, laps at Jared’s cock in spite of the taste, makes Jared moans his name again and again. When Jared comes, he can feel the hot burst of it, and he keeps sucking until Jared starts to go soft.
“How many more times can we do that today?” Jared asks breathlessly.
Jensen laughs into his hip and strips off the used condom. “A lot, I hope.”
It’s hours later, and they’re both sweaty and sticky, the air conditioner rattling to itself beside the window but doing little to keep the room cool anymore. Jensen’s asshole is practically dripping with lube, and Jared can’t seem to stop playing with it, running his fingers over the swollen heat of it, testing the give of Jensen’s hole. Jensen is sore, aching inside, but he can’t seem to get enough of it, enough of Jared’s cock inside him.
“Can I ask you something this time?” Jensen says.
Jared slows his stroking down the crack of his ass. “You wanna know how I got HIV.” He doesn’t sound surprised or defensive, just resigned.
Jensen nods against Jared’s chest. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But, you know, I wondered.”
“I don’t mind talking about it. I wouldn’t be here if I minded. I would have just kept letting you jerk me off and never told you.”
“How old were you?”
“It was two years ago when the test came back positive. But I don’t know how long before that I was infected. I hadn’t gotten tested before. I wasn’t like you.”
Jensen grimaces guiltily. “It’s not like I’m so good about it. I do a lot of things I shouldn’t. You’ve been there for some of them.” He doesn’t think about it usually. He doesn’t think about much of anything to do with sex unless it’s immediately on his radar, unless there’s some guy eyeing him from across the bar, some guy flirting with him in a roadside diner. It doesn’t matter in the rest of his life. And the fact that he gets an HIV test every six months because his mom thinks it’s the right thing for a single man to do doesn’t change that.
“You seem like you’re doing okay. Whoever infected me didn’t let me know it could happen. He didn’t think about it for one second. You’re better than that.”
“I guess. So you don’t know who it was?”
“Not a clue. There were plenty of guys who came into the diner, plenty of guys who would wink at me, offer me things for a handjob or a blowjob. Not like… I wasn’t prostituting myself, but they’d talk with me, and I was... I was lonely, I guess. I wanted the attention, and I wanted the sex. And sometimes they’d write to me, once or twice. Or call me. Once or twice. But it wasn’t like any of them were repeat performances. It wasn’t like they were my friends. I didn’t have a whole lot in my life.”
It hurts, god, more than Jensen even expected, hearing Jared talk about it, hearing that he was hurting that much. “That sucks, Jared. That just… it sucks.”
Jared laughs humorlessly. “Yeah. It does. But so, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know which guy it was. I usually used condoms, but I wasn’t careful. I didn’t bring it up much. I wouldn’t argue if someone didn’t want to. So it’s my fault, and I can handle that.” He takes a deep breath. “But sometimes I think about like, what if it was a long time before I knew? What if I was fucking strangers and not knowing it was dangerous to them for months? I had been at the diner almost a year when I got tested. I had probably been with thirty or forty different guys by then. What if I infected them too? What if I did the same thing to them that that guy did to me?”
Jensen shakes his head. He doesn’t know what he’s denying, even, except that he doesn’t want Jared to hurt like that. “You got tested, though. You know now. You’re being careful now. That’s what you can do. What made you get tested finally?”
“A friend of mine from school. She was going. Her boyfriend cheated on her, and she thought maybe he had given her something. So I went, too, for moral support, you know? She was fine. But I wasn’t.”
“Did you think maybe you wouldn’t be? Did you expect it at all?”
“Nope. I was every stupid stereotype. I thought it couldn’t ever happen to me. I figured, you know, since I was safe most of the time, I didn’t have anything to worry about.”
Jensen feels such overwhelming tenderness for him, this tight ache under his breastbone. “What did you do when you found out?”
“I got really, really drunk. I went out to a bar with some friends and did shots until I couldn’t even see straight. I didn’t even tell anyone what was wrong. I’d never told them what I was doing since I started at the diner. I’d never even told them I was gay.”
Jensen tenses. He can’t help it.
“You don’t think you are, right?” Jared asks gently. “You think you’re not gay.”
It’s worse, then, the gentleness. Jensen sits up, trying to get away, put a little space between them. “No. I’m not. It’s not that I don’t think anything. I’m not… gay.” Just the word makes him nauseous, makes him think about the guys he sees in big cities sometimes with their hair gel and eye makeup and t-shirts with slogans like “I’m The Boy Your Mother Warned You About” on them, the guys he picks up when he’s desperate because if nothing else they know how to get off and get out. Jared isn’t like that. Why would Jared want to say he was like that? Why would anyone with any sense want that?
“Okay, bisexual. Do you think you’re bisexual?”
“No! Jesus Christ, Jared, I thought we were the same. I thought you got it. Just because I do this” - he gestures at the rumpled bed around them - “it doesn’t mean I’m not normal.”
“What does normal have to do with it? I thought I got it, too. I thought I got it more than this. But you’re just. Jensen, straight guys don’t do this. They don’t do the things we do, and definitely not over and over again. You’re not like those guys who would just get off in five minutes and then go. You’re different. You feel different. I know you do. And I’ve waited. God, I’ve waited for you to figure it out. And I thought maybe, just maybe, you finally had.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not gay. I’ve got a job that keeps me from having a girlfriend like a normal person. But I’m gonna work it out at some point. And I’m gonna have a wife and a house and a life that isn’t just… this.”
Jared shrugs. “Okay, if that’s what you really want.”
He sounds disbelieving, and Jensen’s anger wells up sudden and fierce. “Jared, you’re better than those people. You don’t have to be like them.”
“What people?”
“Gays. You don’t have to turn yourself into that in order to… I don’t know. I don’t know what you think that’ll get you.”
“Jensen, what the fuck do you think being gay is besides liking sex with men and wanting to do pretty much exactly what we’re doing right now?”
Jensen is finally mad enough to make it off the bed, stumbling back into his boxers and folding his arms across his chest. “It’s just sex, Jared. We’re guys, and guys like sex, and it doesn’t have to be an identity or whatever. You don’t need to go out and march in parades. You don’t have to have bumper stickers and go around holding hands. It can just be sex.”
“Is it just sex when you’re talking to me on the phone for hours? When you’re telling me what the ocean is like? When you smile every time you come into the diner and look so glad to see me, is that sex?”
“No. Of course not. We’re friends. But sex doesn’t have anything to do with that.”
“So the fact that you like having sex with me and you can also talk to me for hours, those things can’t have anything to do with each other? How does that make more sense than being gay?”
Jensen rubs his hands over his face. “It’s not that they can’t have anything to do with each other. I’m just not gay.”
Jared shakes his head. “Okay. Okay, you’re not gay. You just like having sex with me and you also like being my friend, and that’s not gay.”
“You sound like you don’t believe it.”
“I don’t. But I can’t change your mind for you.” Jared slides off the bed, and Jensen’s struck by the long, gorgeous line of his back as he bends to pick up his clothes. He doesn’t want to be, doesn’t want to notice anything at all about Jared at the moment.
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just watches Jared put himself back together, stepping into his rumpled clothes from the night before. He opens his mouth a few times, but it’s not until Jared steps back out of the bathroom with his face freshly scrubbed that Jensen manages to make any words come out of his mouth. “I’ll think about it, okay? I can’t give you anything better than that.”
Jared takes a couple of halting steps toward him, then stops with his hands in his pockets. “That’s all I could ask for. Just think about it. And you can call me, whenever, if you want to talk about it.” He takes two more steps, and then he’s close enough to take Jensen’s face between his hands and kiss him. Jensen doesn’t stop him, just opens his mouth a little to the slow press of Jared’s tongue. He curls a hand in Jared’s shirt to keep him close, sucking at his lower lip until Jared sighs and deepens the kiss. Jensen’s never had to lean up to kiss someone before, but he does now, and he finds it’s not as weird as he expected. He kisses Jared until Jared stops him gently. “I should go,” Jared says. “Do you know when you’ll be back this way?”
“Not for a while,” replies Jensen. “I don’t have any jobs out this way for the next couple of weeks, and then I have to go home for my sister’s wedding.”
“Your sister’s getting married? She’s younger, right?”
“Your age.” Jensen smiles wryly. “I’m the only one left now. I assume my mom’s going to have a whole line-up of single girls for me at the wedding.”
Jared returns his smile sadly, still looking at his face. “I hope that works out for you.”
“I’ll let you know.”
masterpost | part 1 | part 1a | part 2 | epilogue | art post