Bittersweet.
Okay, here's more information on yesterday's breakup, there'll be rant of course, but there's also hope. And remember, this is only my view on things - to be honest, right now I don't give a f*cking damn about his side because as it is I deserve the luxury of ignoring it completely. For now.
Okay, folks,
It started with an email I sent, about not being cared about sufficiently, and after that he called me and that was that.
After I hung up I could barely breathe because it hit me so hard, then I went comfortably numb, and the next thing I felt was how completely overwhelmed I was by people's support. LJ people, Facebook people, RL people. So thank you so much, because this is what lasts. This is what still gives me strength, and ain't it a wonderful thing to experience a breakup and taking from it mostly what wonderful friends you have and how lucky you can consider yourself, despite the momentary circumstances? Thank you, guys. :)
Still, some words about the thing itself. I'm quite bitter and frustrated that it had to end like this, out of cowardice and stupidity (remember, only my pov). This is what pains me most, because I had to watch all the plans and dreams and hopes and things we could've had and could've been wash down the drain. Just like that. It was the first time I've seen a future with someone, and thanks for crushing that, thanks for letting me open up I (which is hard enough for me) and then abandoning me when I had managed to be brave and open my heart to you. Thanks for being a selfish dick, I'm sorry, but that's the way it feels. I fought for us. I tried to do everything - the things I would've endured, the things I would've put up with... Because I felt we were worth it. Apparently, I was alone in thinking that. But thinking of all this makes me feel like it was really better to get out of it, because... It was painful, and I deserve better.
And I grieve more for what could've been than for what we actually had. It wasn't that much, but it could've grown into something beautiful. Still, things ony grow when you water and tend them.
Of course there were good things, too. Otherwise I never would've started it all. It was wonderful to have a guy hold my hand wherever I wanted. It was great to have someone not caring what others might think. (This counts only for Nuremberg, it was another thing in Heidelberg, but that was ok too. I could deal with it.) I'm so glad I had the chance to experience that, because it made me ever so happy. And I enjoyed our time together. To me, it was almost perfect.
But only when we were together. There was one major incident that nearly ruined it all when we were in Heidelberg, but I wasn't willing to let go, and so we got over it. Almost. After that I could've done with something that regained my trust in him, but I received nothing, so I managed it on my own. But I still felt he owed me something.
Being apart for a month is hard enough as it is, then I got sick, and I really didn't have the best of times. Still nothing. That was when I really started to suffer, and although I was constantly asking myself if I was asking too much, I could slap myself now for having even the slightest doubt. Of course he should've done something. It's not too much to ask to be cared about by your partner when you're not well. And if you have to realize that you were having a better time alone as a single than the time you're having in that relationship, there's definitely something wrong. I still don't get it, though, how anyone can care this little about his partner, instead having a blast with another friend all the while to boot... This is something that still bothers me and hurts, because... Was I really that easy to put aside? I should've been in his mind constantly.
At this point I really couldn't take anymore and wrote said email, and after hearing brilliant things like "I'm just not the type" on why he hadn't at least sent a little message from time to time, I should've had it. But no, I kept fighting. Against windmills. I literally held out my hand all the time and either he was denying it or pushing it aside deliberately. And regarding that I must say he seems to be happier in the hole he dug himself. He doesn't seem to want out at all.
Looking back it was kind of symbolic. When I told my best friend about us from time to time she brought up the comparison of an ant dragging a caterpillar up a hill, the ant being me. I really felt like that most of the time. I was always trying to give and to help, and of course it would never have been enough. I can see that now. But while I did, I felt so drained of my energy, and I tried so hard, and this is what I get. Good riddance, to be honest. I have to give up on hopes and dreams, but my life feels better now. It really does. It's like a huge relief, although the pain comes back from time to time and I'll have to deal with it for some time. That's okay. At least I know how to help myself. And I have wonderful people in my life. :)
I'm not too bitter with him altogether, but I'm super bitter for the way he treated us. Looking back I have never quite forgiven that one thing he did/said because it had such a huge impact on me then, and neglecting your partner and chickening out in the end instead of fighting for a better life isn't exactly what earns my respect. It just makes me feel like we were never worth anything to him, and no, being socially inept is NOT an excuse, it's something to work on.
What also pisses me off is that he was the one who yelled "RELATIONSHIP!" in the first place and ended up explaining to me why he can't maintain one. Just for the next time, don't lure people into it again when you know from the start you won't be able to provide everything it needs or at least are willing to learn just that. It fucking hurts to be treated like that, and relationships shouldn't be something you try out at your gusto and then wind out of it as soon as it gets a little heavy. You've got a responsibility there. Messing with someone else's feelings is not a sport, and a relationship isn't trial and error. It's devotion and work.
In my present state I just want to leave it all behind, and I'm so disappointed and bitter that I don't know if we can even be friends anymore. I know that he was scared that just that might happen, and congratulations, due to everything it may actually have come true now. I don't know if I can see someone the way I did when I'll always know what he did to me, and how very cowardly he acted. I guess only time can tell.
As for what I'll do now, I'll jump right back in the saddle. I have no intention to be gloomy, and somehow this already made me stronger than I felt in a while. This huge weight is now off my chest and I feel like I can be cheerful again. Looking back, it just got worse and worse with me, and that's no life I should lead. Now I'm free again, and I'll have a date on Monday, and I don't care what that makes me. I just want to move on, and somewhere out there the right guy is still waiting for me. In the meantime, I'll be kissing some frogs.
Oh yeah, and to complete it all, here's the best breakup song ever, and the one that fits perfectly, word for word.
Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending | Music Videos | SPIKE.com
Okay, folks,
It started with an email I sent, about not being cared about sufficiently, and after that he called me and that was that.
After I hung up I could barely breathe because it hit me so hard, then I went comfortably numb, and the next thing I felt was how completely overwhelmed I was by people's support. LJ people, Facebook people, RL people. So thank you so much, because this is what lasts. This is what still gives me strength, and ain't it a wonderful thing to experience a breakup and taking from it mostly what wonderful friends you have and how lucky you can consider yourself, despite the momentary circumstances? Thank you, guys. :)
Still, some words about the thing itself. I'm quite bitter and frustrated that it had to end like this, out of cowardice and stupidity (remember, only my pov). This is what pains me most, because I had to watch all the plans and dreams and hopes and things we could've had and could've been wash down the drain. Just like that. It was the first time I've seen a future with someone, and thanks for crushing that, thanks for letting me open up I (which is hard enough for me) and then abandoning me when I had managed to be brave and open my heart to you. Thanks for being a selfish dick, I'm sorry, but that's the way it feels. I fought for us. I tried to do everything - the things I would've endured, the things I would've put up with... Because I felt we were worth it. Apparently, I was alone in thinking that. But thinking of all this makes me feel like it was really better to get out of it, because... It was painful, and I deserve better.
And I grieve more for what could've been than for what we actually had. It wasn't that much, but it could've grown into something beautiful. Still, things ony grow when you water and tend them.
Of course there were good things, too. Otherwise I never would've started it all. It was wonderful to have a guy hold my hand wherever I wanted. It was great to have someone not caring what others might think. (This counts only for Nuremberg, it was another thing in Heidelberg, but that was ok too. I could deal with it.) I'm so glad I had the chance to experience that, because it made me ever so happy. And I enjoyed our time together. To me, it was almost perfect.
But only when we were together. There was one major incident that nearly ruined it all when we were in Heidelberg, but I wasn't willing to let go, and so we got over it. Almost. After that I could've done with something that regained my trust in him, but I received nothing, so I managed it on my own. But I still felt he owed me something.
Being apart for a month is hard enough as it is, then I got sick, and I really didn't have the best of times. Still nothing. That was when I really started to suffer, and although I was constantly asking myself if I was asking too much, I could slap myself now for having even the slightest doubt. Of course he should've done something. It's not too much to ask to be cared about by your partner when you're not well. And if you have to realize that you were having a better time alone as a single than the time you're having in that relationship, there's definitely something wrong. I still don't get it, though, how anyone can care this little about his partner, instead having a blast with another friend all the while to boot... This is something that still bothers me and hurts, because... Was I really that easy to put aside? I should've been in his mind constantly.
At this point I really couldn't take anymore and wrote said email, and after hearing brilliant things like "I'm just not the type" on why he hadn't at least sent a little message from time to time, I should've had it. But no, I kept fighting. Against windmills. I literally held out my hand all the time and either he was denying it or pushing it aside deliberately. And regarding that I must say he seems to be happier in the hole he dug himself. He doesn't seem to want out at all.
Looking back it was kind of symbolic. When I told my best friend about us from time to time she brought up the comparison of an ant dragging a caterpillar up a hill, the ant being me. I really felt like that most of the time. I was always trying to give and to help, and of course it would never have been enough. I can see that now. But while I did, I felt so drained of my energy, and I tried so hard, and this is what I get. Good riddance, to be honest. I have to give up on hopes and dreams, but my life feels better now. It really does. It's like a huge relief, although the pain comes back from time to time and I'll have to deal with it for some time. That's okay. At least I know how to help myself. And I have wonderful people in my life. :)
I'm not too bitter with him altogether, but I'm super bitter for the way he treated us. Looking back I have never quite forgiven that one thing he did/said because it had such a huge impact on me then, and neglecting your partner and chickening out in the end instead of fighting for a better life isn't exactly what earns my respect. It just makes me feel like we were never worth anything to him, and no, being socially inept is NOT an excuse, it's something to work on.
What also pisses me off is that he was the one who yelled "RELATIONSHIP!" in the first place and ended up explaining to me why he can't maintain one. Just for the next time, don't lure people into it again when you know from the start you won't be able to provide everything it needs or at least are willing to learn just that. It fucking hurts to be treated like that, and relationships shouldn't be something you try out at your gusto and then wind out of it as soon as it gets a little heavy. You've got a responsibility there. Messing with someone else's feelings is not a sport, and a relationship isn't trial and error. It's devotion and work.
In my present state I just want to leave it all behind, and I'm so disappointed and bitter that I don't know if we can even be friends anymore. I know that he was scared that just that might happen, and congratulations, due to everything it may actually have come true now. I don't know if I can see someone the way I did when I'll always know what he did to me, and how very cowardly he acted. I guess only time can tell.
As for what I'll do now, I'll jump right back in the saddle. I have no intention to be gloomy, and somehow this already made me stronger than I felt in a while. This huge weight is now off my chest and I feel like I can be cheerful again. Looking back, it just got worse and worse with me, and that's no life I should lead. Now I'm free again, and I'll have a date on Monday, and I don't care what that makes me. I just want to move on, and somewhere out there the right guy is still waiting for me. In the meantime, I'll be kissing some frogs.
Oh yeah, and to complete it all, here's the best breakup song ever, and the one that fits perfectly, word for word.
Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending | Music Videos | SPIKE.com