(no subject)
There are some days where I just wake up and think, 'I can't do this, I can't go through another day' but I do, I make myself get through it all and put on a smiley face and pretend to laugh and pretend to have fun. It's bothering me now that hardly anyone knows how I feel, so I have no one to talk to, but I honestly don't have anyone to tell. Most of my friends have never been in my situation, and would never know how to deal with me, and others have been and still are like me, and can't deal with it.
I cut again. After my trip in South Africa, where I had felt so alone and reached what I thought was the climax of my depression - cutting myself and cutting off my friends because I couldn't deal with their stares, their looks of sympathy if I told them, their 'I understand' because they clearly didn't - I pretended to myself that I wasn't depressed anymore, that I hadn't got a problem, that I would care if I didn't wake up the next morning. I've been lying to myself. I've been getting these moments where it would all come rushing back, and I would indulge, then try to forget again, pretending to everyone that I was ok. I just have to get through this on my own, I know that, the people I would lean on would either run straight to the door or it would bring back very painful memories. I don't want to do either.
All my problems right now seem to stem from my trip to South Africa. South Africa was the climax of my depression, the one time I cut as badly as I did, and I blame that on myself for letting it get that far, but also my so-called friend, who I entered the trip with. With 15 girls, I was only friendly with two, but only one was my very close friend. She is probably the nicest person you would meet, kind, considerate, always doing something for others but getting no reward...at least that's what I thought. She's so used to people praising her, used to people bowing down and saying 'Gosh, you're so pretty,' or 'You're so nice! You're my favourite person ever!'. I've known her for several years, and I had quickly gotten past that, and just treated her like a normal person. Away from all our friends in South Africa, she had to make new ones, as did I. She was as she always was, doing everything for everyone, but in return she got her praise. And then she left me. Completely betrayed me, stabbed me in the back, when I wasn't in the best frame of mind. She left me, to hang around with people who are so shallow and self-centered, it drives me nuts. And of course, she was the angel in their group.
What she did to me may sound trivial written down like this, but I was in South Africa, away from all my friends, my family - everything that comforted me. I relied on her to comfort me, to help me through a difficult phase, and it just feels so awful because I've always been there for her, whenever she got down, and when the time came that I needed her the most - she turned away.
I just can't forget what she did, leave me alone in South Africa, in a state of depression and suicide, and I'd never felt so fucking helpless as I did then. I can't forget what she did, yet I see her every single day at school, and have to endure everyone praising her for being amazing, while I know that's not who she is, she's a vindictive little bitch who seeks attention and praise and ditches her old friends in an effort to get it. With every nice thing she does I can't forget what she did, and I want to shout and scream to all our friends that this person isn't real, she's just a fake, and is more flawed than people think. But I can't. Unlike her, I'm not a bitch. I'm not going to reveal to everyone who she really is and take everything away from her, I'm not going to make her feel as helpless and useless and unwanted as I did, in addition to the those feelings that I had already felt for the past nine months because of my depression. I'm just going to hold my tongue, watch as everyone flutter around her and do her bidding like adoring subjects, and silently curse her from the side.