Oxycontin, lightheadedness and fear. I am tired.
I tried oxycontin for the first time tonight. It wasn't prescribed for me- a friend of my friend was visiting and he brought his stash of painkillers. The gentleman has severe arthritis. He gave me and my pal tylenol 3s, oxycontin and something else I didn't get the name of. I spent most of the day at another friends place. I woke up late from a strange dream (in the dream my mother was dead and I am pretty sure I was trying to cry in my sleep). I had a beer, then another two later. Then I came back to my apartment building, hung out with mark, drank a large glass of wine and met the new guy. I popped two oxycontin. Mark had 2 as well and got totally looped. He kept nodding off, sort of like people I have seen who have just mainlined heroin. I got kind of drowsy and incredibly itchy. A few hours after taking it (about an hour ago now) I felt sick and went to the washroom and vomited. I don't think I will take oxycontin again. It was stupid to do, but I guess if you're anxious and feel like jumping out of your skin (like I did all day and have for weeks... more than usual, that is) you are more apt to seek escape.
I have been lightheaded for about 6 weeks now. I feel like I am in a dream and only semi-conscious constantly. My GP took blood and I wasn't anemix (as I so often am). I tried stoppiung celexa, which I was on for about a month before the symptoms started, and even after 4 days the lightheadedness persisted. A few weeks ao Mark got drunk and we started playfighting. He was more looped than I thought and choked me until I passed out. That scared me, and still does- I wonder if perhaps I incurred some mild form of brain damage, but the lightheadedness started before that. My blood pressure is low, but not so low as to warrant constant, unremitting sensations of disconection with reality. I have felt lightheaded and unreal quite regularly since childhood, but never constantly for days, nevermind weeks, as I do now. I hope so badly that my doc will discover what is wrong. last I heard she told me she wants to send me to a hematologist. I don't know why.
I have spent many hours since this lightheaded dream state started surfing the internet, trying to find answers. So far no one has any idea what is wrong- my heart is okay, I am not anemic, other obvious causes have been ruled out. I am scared. I have even started praying, in case there is a God, for help with this. The sensation itself is not particularly scary, but the unremitting, extended nature of this dream state is unnerving. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. That idea frightens me incredibly.
While searching the internet I came across a condition called pyroluria which seems to sum up a lot of my symptoms (symptoms I've had my entire life) very well. I told my doctor about pyroluria last thursday morning (it is saturday now, 2:51 am). She told me she wasn't familiar with the condition and had to study it. She said she wasn''t sure if the labs could even test for it. Testing consists of analyzing the subject's urine to check for elevated levels of substances called kryptopyrroles- kryptopyrroles, in elevated levels, bind with B6 and Zinc and deprive the brain of these important vitamins. Apparently severe pyroluria can lead to panic attacks, anxiety, feelings of unreality, depression, inability to handle stress well, poor dream recall, sensitivity to bright sunlight and loud noises, symptoms of conditions ranging from manic depression to ADHD, autism and schizophrenia... the list is enormous. I don't WANT to have this genetic disorder, but I want to find an answer that will help me get over my life long anxiety, depression and strange physical symptoms.
But first I have to wait for my doctor to familiarize herself with this condition, and even then, there is no guarantee I have it and treat my symptoms. I am so tired of feeling unwell, uneasy and depressed. It's a major handicap, and many people don't understand (or seem to understand) extreme anxiety and depression. Many people still believe that depression and anxiety are indicators of a weak mind or personality, or self indulgence, of attention getting behavior.... but depression and anxiety can destroy a person's life. They are invisible handicaps, carrying stigma, and insidious because the sufferer (at least, this is true for me) begins to doubt their own sanity, self-worth and reason for existence. One day I hope there is better treatment for refractory depression and anxiety but until that day comes, I wish people could be less judgmental and critical. I want to be well and happy and secure in my mind so badly. I fear I never will be, but I keep working towards that end- there is no other alternative.
If anybody reads this and has suffered from pyroluria, or has experienced prolonged, unexplained feelings of lightheadedness (especially those who have recovered)... please consider leaving a message or comment. If you believe in God, please pray for me. I am scared- I am agnostic, but like the saying goes, there are no athiests in fox holes. I assume that maxim implies that, if frightened or desperate enough, anyone will reach out to a benevolent creator figure. It can't hurt.
I have been really examing my life and what I want lately. I always have, but the older I get, the more sick of feeling tired, depressed and generally uneasy I get. I have always hated these burdens of course, but with time, the weight of them wears on me more and more. I think a lot about suicide, even though I am terrified of death and the unknown. What I want from life can be summed up as:
1. I don't ant to feel unreal and spaced out anymore. I don't want to be plagued by bleak despair, where I feel life is eerie and pointless and scary. I don't want to be so anxious that, most days, I am afraid to wake up. I don't want my heart to race at every tiny noise.
2. I want to feel okay, even if its only one day a week. By okay, I mean free from constant, intrusive, scary thoughts and anxiety that quickly blooms into panic. I want to feel clear headed and sane. I want to improve my mind, learn, be happy and free to appreciate life more fully.
That is about it. I don't yearn for children, a spouse, a car, even a home of my own. I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I'll keep working towards that end, even when I feel like its pointless, like I will never reach this goal.
Because I want to try and see the positive aspects of my life more clearly, I was thinking it might be beneficial for me to write about small aspects of my life that give me pleasure or comfort, however seemingly insignificant. So...
I have recently discovered the tv show "Criminal Minds". I think it is pretty cool, and I have a crush on the character Dr. Spencer Reid (played by Matthew Gray Gubler). I love his expressive face, his soft voice and the compassion and intelligence of his character.
I can't think of much else right now that brings me comfort or pleasure, which is probably a sign I am more than a little depressed. Hopefully things will get better soon, even if just a little bit.
To anyone out there who is struggling and feels exhausted, I offer an invitation of friendship. I might not reply to email or comment for a while (I don't currently have the internet at home, and am fairly tired) but I want anyone who is reading this and struggling to know that, as much as an anonymous livejournal poster is able, I support you and wish you well. Take care gentle readers.
I have been lightheaded for about 6 weeks now. I feel like I am in a dream and only semi-conscious constantly. My GP took blood and I wasn't anemix (as I so often am). I tried stoppiung celexa, which I was on for about a month before the symptoms started, and even after 4 days the lightheadedness persisted. A few weeks ao Mark got drunk and we started playfighting. He was more looped than I thought and choked me until I passed out. That scared me, and still does- I wonder if perhaps I incurred some mild form of brain damage, but the lightheadedness started before that. My blood pressure is low, but not so low as to warrant constant, unremitting sensations of disconection with reality. I have felt lightheaded and unreal quite regularly since childhood, but never constantly for days, nevermind weeks, as I do now. I hope so badly that my doc will discover what is wrong. last I heard she told me she wants to send me to a hematologist. I don't know why.
I have spent many hours since this lightheaded dream state started surfing the internet, trying to find answers. So far no one has any idea what is wrong- my heart is okay, I am not anemic, other obvious causes have been ruled out. I am scared. I have even started praying, in case there is a God, for help with this. The sensation itself is not particularly scary, but the unremitting, extended nature of this dream state is unnerving. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. That idea frightens me incredibly.
While searching the internet I came across a condition called pyroluria which seems to sum up a lot of my symptoms (symptoms I've had my entire life) very well. I told my doctor about pyroluria last thursday morning (it is saturday now, 2:51 am). She told me she wasn't familiar with the condition and had to study it. She said she wasn''t sure if the labs could even test for it. Testing consists of analyzing the subject's urine to check for elevated levels of substances called kryptopyrroles- kryptopyrroles, in elevated levels, bind with B6 and Zinc and deprive the brain of these important vitamins. Apparently severe pyroluria can lead to panic attacks, anxiety, feelings of unreality, depression, inability to handle stress well, poor dream recall, sensitivity to bright sunlight and loud noises, symptoms of conditions ranging from manic depression to ADHD, autism and schizophrenia... the list is enormous. I don't WANT to have this genetic disorder, but I want to find an answer that will help me get over my life long anxiety, depression and strange physical symptoms.
But first I have to wait for my doctor to familiarize herself with this condition, and even then, there is no guarantee I have it and treat my symptoms. I am so tired of feeling unwell, uneasy and depressed. It's a major handicap, and many people don't understand (or seem to understand) extreme anxiety and depression. Many people still believe that depression and anxiety are indicators of a weak mind or personality, or self indulgence, of attention getting behavior.... but depression and anxiety can destroy a person's life. They are invisible handicaps, carrying stigma, and insidious because the sufferer (at least, this is true for me) begins to doubt their own sanity, self-worth and reason for existence. One day I hope there is better treatment for refractory depression and anxiety but until that day comes, I wish people could be less judgmental and critical. I want to be well and happy and secure in my mind so badly. I fear I never will be, but I keep working towards that end- there is no other alternative.
If anybody reads this and has suffered from pyroluria, or has experienced prolonged, unexplained feelings of lightheadedness (especially those who have recovered)... please consider leaving a message or comment. If you believe in God, please pray for me. I am scared- I am agnostic, but like the saying goes, there are no athiests in fox holes. I assume that maxim implies that, if frightened or desperate enough, anyone will reach out to a benevolent creator figure. It can't hurt.
I have been really examing my life and what I want lately. I always have, but the older I get, the more sick of feeling tired, depressed and generally uneasy I get. I have always hated these burdens of course, but with time, the weight of them wears on me more and more. I think a lot about suicide, even though I am terrified of death and the unknown. What I want from life can be summed up as:
1. I don't ant to feel unreal and spaced out anymore. I don't want to be plagued by bleak despair, where I feel life is eerie and pointless and scary. I don't want to be so anxious that, most days, I am afraid to wake up. I don't want my heart to race at every tiny noise.
2. I want to feel okay, even if its only one day a week. By okay, I mean free from constant, intrusive, scary thoughts and anxiety that quickly blooms into panic. I want to feel clear headed and sane. I want to improve my mind, learn, be happy and free to appreciate life more fully.
That is about it. I don't yearn for children, a spouse, a car, even a home of my own. I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I'll keep working towards that end, even when I feel like its pointless, like I will never reach this goal.
Because I want to try and see the positive aspects of my life more clearly, I was thinking it might be beneficial for me to write about small aspects of my life that give me pleasure or comfort, however seemingly insignificant. So...
I have recently discovered the tv show "Criminal Minds". I think it is pretty cool, and I have a crush on the character Dr. Spencer Reid (played by Matthew Gray Gubler). I love his expressive face, his soft voice and the compassion and intelligence of his character.
I can't think of much else right now that brings me comfort or pleasure, which is probably a sign I am more than a little depressed. Hopefully things will get better soon, even if just a little bit.
To anyone out there who is struggling and feels exhausted, I offer an invitation of friendship. I might not reply to email or comment for a while (I don't currently have the internet at home, and am fairly tired) but I want anyone who is reading this and struggling to know that, as much as an anonymous livejournal poster is able, I support you and wish you well. Take care gentle readers.