Fic (QAF_: Fantasy Season Three Episode 6: Got Your Name On It
Title: Fantasy Season Three: Episode 6- Got Your Name On It
Author: Puddles
Chapter: 6/14
Rated: PG-13
Word Count: 1292
Genre: Drama, AU
Summary: So many things are different.
Author's Note: Please, please review
Date Completed: October 29, 2005. Happy Birthday to me!
Got Your Name On It
...reminds me that I can’t live without you, something you are changes me, into something I wanna be...
Justin's POV:
So many things have changed. Sometimes I still find myself wondering if this is actually reality. Or, if this is a dream, and that other... place was reality. If I've just created this fantasy world instead of facing the reality of the life I created for myself there.
But, most of the time I don't think about it. Or at least I try not to. It's kind of hard not to be reminded every day that you've missed out on a year of your life. Even without some kind of alternate, dream, reality, I would have trouble reinstating myself into a life that was no longer really mine. I lost my place in a lot of people's lives. It hurts, but it's reality, and I accept that. But with this whole other reality... things are just a lot harder. I've never said anything to Brian about it because I know he'll think I'm crazy. And, a small part of me is afraid that if I say anything about it out loud, I'll wake up back there, and this world will all have been a dream. And as much as this world can suck sometimes, that's the last thing I want to happen. Here, I have Brian and the life that I've wanted since I was seventeen years old. There, I had that, or pretty close to it, and I threw it all away for empty words and token gestures. This is love. What Brian and I have here, this is real. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Not if I can help it.
But still, it's hard to adjust. But I think I'm managing pretty well. I know I'll have to tell Brian eventually about the other place, and everyday it gets a little less scary to think about. Everyday that place fades away a little more in my head, and I believe a little more that this is where I belong. That this is my home.
But so much is different. There, I knew Brian loved me, or at least, I did. Even if he never said the words, he showed me, in his own way. I just forgot how to read him. But here, here Brian gives me the words and the actions, and he does so everyday. He's a different man than the one I met on Liberty Avenue, and I know that the bashing is what changed him, but that's okay I guess. Something like that would change anyone. Especially with the following coma, not knowing if I would ever wake up... that takes a toll on a person. There's no way someone can come out of that the same person they were when they went into it. I've changed as well.
Here, now, I have the life I always wanted. I have Brian, and Mom, and Gus, and friends who have become a family, and love me no matter what. We're not perfect, but we're family. Brian's looking at PIFA, seeing if they'll consider readmitting me. Things are really looking up, and I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else. The only thing that could possibly be considered missing is Michael. It's not that I particularly want him here, because I don't, but I can tell sometimes that Brian misses him. It hurts me to know that I caused this rift between them, that Brian had to lose his best friend, indirectly because of me. But, Michael forced him to make a choice, and he did, and he chose me. I'm not going to complain about that.
That's one of the biggest differences. Before the bashing, and in the other place, I was not always Brian's first priority. In fact, I hardly ever was. At least, to me it seemed that way. But here, I know I'm first, or possibly second behind Gus. And that's okay. I'd never expect or ask him to put me before his son. But I am important in his life. And he tells me so, all the time. He's made it very obvious, and that is still taking some getting used to. It's nice to be wanted by the person you love.
Here, the words 'I love you' are spoken freely, not a taboo in our relationship. Brian tells me so at least once a day. He'll never be someone who uses them all the time, but I can tell that he makes an effort everyday to tell me, just to make sure I know. Of course I know. I've always known.
Here, Daphne is still my best friend. There, we started drifting, pulled apart by things like college, new friends, and life in general. It was one of the things that always scared me most about college, and it came true. There. But here, we're closer than we ever were. Maybe we would have drifted apart had I not almost died, but I did almost die, and I think that made both of us appreciate our friendship a little bit more. Hey, I try to take something positive from even the most negative of experiences.
Here, Ben and Ethan don't exist. This was something that occurred to me after I had been awake for a couple of weeks. If the other world didn't really exist, the new people that I had met there didn't either. I wasn't actually very sad that Ethan didn't exist. If he were real, I think I would find myself feeling guilty that I had allowed him to replace Brian, even in a fictional world inside my head. But Ben not existing made me sadder than I had expected. I hadn't known him very well, and he had dated Michael which can't say much for anyone, but he had seemed like a really nice guy. A guy that I could see myself becoming friends with if I was given a chance. The fact that he doesn't exist here when he really deserved to, seems to do an injustice to the world, when so many people do exist that don't deserve to.
Here, I'm secure in my place in my family and in my life. There, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My life was such a mess. I never knew where I was going to be living. Despite living with Brian, I always knew that one wrong move and I would be out on my ass. I always felt that I had to live up to certain expectations, or else I would lose those that I had come to love. It's not that way anymore. I might frustrate Brian to no end, but I know he loves me and my place in his life, as well as everybody else's, is secure. I know where I belong.
Here, I'm different too. Something about this Brian has change me, turned me into a person that I want to be. There, I didn't really like the person that I had become. I saw myself as weak, but didn't know how to make myself strong. I saw myself as a victim, but not a survivor. Here, Brian has helped me become something more, something, someone that I like. A survivor who is strong, who can do anything. With Brian, I know I can do anything.
And that includes telling him everything. Everything that "happened" to me between the bashing and waking up in that hospital. He deserves to know the truth about what it is I am and have been going through these last few months. This last year.
I can finally tell Brian about everything. This is my world. I'm not going to wake up and find out it was all a dream. This is where I belong. I know that now.
Author: Puddles
Chapter: 6/14
Rated: PG-13
Word Count: 1292
Genre: Drama, AU
Summary: So many things are different.
Author's Note: Please, please review
Date Completed: October 29, 2005. Happy Birthday to me!
Got Your Name On It
...reminds me that I can’t live without you, something you are changes me, into something I wanna be...
Justin's POV:
So many things have changed. Sometimes I still find myself wondering if this is actually reality. Or, if this is a dream, and that other... place was reality. If I've just created this fantasy world instead of facing the reality of the life I created for myself there.
But, most of the time I don't think about it. Or at least I try not to. It's kind of hard not to be reminded every day that you've missed out on a year of your life. Even without some kind of alternate, dream, reality, I would have trouble reinstating myself into a life that was no longer really mine. I lost my place in a lot of people's lives. It hurts, but it's reality, and I accept that. But with this whole other reality... things are just a lot harder. I've never said anything to Brian about it because I know he'll think I'm crazy. And, a small part of me is afraid that if I say anything about it out loud, I'll wake up back there, and this world will all have been a dream. And as much as this world can suck sometimes, that's the last thing I want to happen. Here, I have Brian and the life that I've wanted since I was seventeen years old. There, I had that, or pretty close to it, and I threw it all away for empty words and token gestures. This is love. What Brian and I have here, this is real. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Not if I can help it.
But still, it's hard to adjust. But I think I'm managing pretty well. I know I'll have to tell Brian eventually about the other place, and everyday it gets a little less scary to think about. Everyday that place fades away a little more in my head, and I believe a little more that this is where I belong. That this is my home.
But so much is different. There, I knew Brian loved me, or at least, I did. Even if he never said the words, he showed me, in his own way. I just forgot how to read him. But here, here Brian gives me the words and the actions, and he does so everyday. He's a different man than the one I met on Liberty Avenue, and I know that the bashing is what changed him, but that's okay I guess. Something like that would change anyone. Especially with the following coma, not knowing if I would ever wake up... that takes a toll on a person. There's no way someone can come out of that the same person they were when they went into it. I've changed as well.
Here, now, I have the life I always wanted. I have Brian, and Mom, and Gus, and friends who have become a family, and love me no matter what. We're not perfect, but we're family. Brian's looking at PIFA, seeing if they'll consider readmitting me. Things are really looking up, and I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else. The only thing that could possibly be considered missing is Michael. It's not that I particularly want him here, because I don't, but I can tell sometimes that Brian misses him. It hurts me to know that I caused this rift between them, that Brian had to lose his best friend, indirectly because of me. But, Michael forced him to make a choice, and he did, and he chose me. I'm not going to complain about that.
That's one of the biggest differences. Before the bashing, and in the other place, I was not always Brian's first priority. In fact, I hardly ever was. At least, to me it seemed that way. But here, I know I'm first, or possibly second behind Gus. And that's okay. I'd never expect or ask him to put me before his son. But I am important in his life. And he tells me so, all the time. He's made it very obvious, and that is still taking some getting used to. It's nice to be wanted by the person you love.
Here, the words 'I love you' are spoken freely, not a taboo in our relationship. Brian tells me so at least once a day. He'll never be someone who uses them all the time, but I can tell that he makes an effort everyday to tell me, just to make sure I know. Of course I know. I've always known.
Here, Daphne is still my best friend. There, we started drifting, pulled apart by things like college, new friends, and life in general. It was one of the things that always scared me most about college, and it came true. There. But here, we're closer than we ever were. Maybe we would have drifted apart had I not almost died, but I did almost die, and I think that made both of us appreciate our friendship a little bit more. Hey, I try to take something positive from even the most negative of experiences.
Here, Ben and Ethan don't exist. This was something that occurred to me after I had been awake for a couple of weeks. If the other world didn't really exist, the new people that I had met there didn't either. I wasn't actually very sad that Ethan didn't exist. If he were real, I think I would find myself feeling guilty that I had allowed him to replace Brian, even in a fictional world inside my head. But Ben not existing made me sadder than I had expected. I hadn't known him very well, and he had dated Michael which can't say much for anyone, but he had seemed like a really nice guy. A guy that I could see myself becoming friends with if I was given a chance. The fact that he doesn't exist here when he really deserved to, seems to do an injustice to the world, when so many people do exist that don't deserve to.
Here, I'm secure in my place in my family and in my life. There, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My life was such a mess. I never knew where I was going to be living. Despite living with Brian, I always knew that one wrong move and I would be out on my ass. I always felt that I had to live up to certain expectations, or else I would lose those that I had come to love. It's not that way anymore. I might frustrate Brian to no end, but I know he loves me and my place in his life, as well as everybody else's, is secure. I know where I belong.
Here, I'm different too. Something about this Brian has change me, turned me into a person that I want to be. There, I didn't really like the person that I had become. I saw myself as weak, but didn't know how to make myself strong. I saw myself as a victim, but not a survivor. Here, Brian has helped me become something more, something, someone that I like. A survivor who is strong, who can do anything. With Brian, I know I can do anything.
And that includes telling him everything. Everything that "happened" to me between the bashing and waking up in that hospital. He deserves to know the truth about what it is I am and have been going through these last few months. This last year.
I can finally tell Brian about everything. This is my world. I'm not going to wake up and find out it was all a dream. This is where I belong. I know that now.