Act of Kindness - CSI Faces Grave Danger
The yellow crime scene tape kept the curious showgirls and hookers away from the terrible sight.
On the ground, surrounded by white chalk, was an orange shape. The little boy was burnt. Nick Stokes shook his head. It was the cases with kids as the victims that got to him the most. Snapping pictures, he shrugged and surveyed the crime scene. On the ground was a book of matches. Stokes snapped on a pair of latex gloves, and picked them up by the edges. Southpark Minimart. That might be important. About fifty feet away was a red Super Slushie cup, in an evidence bag, on the edge of the curb. Stokes looked around the deserted parking lot. The only other person he could see was the security guard, throwing up behind the building. Advancing slowly, he tilted his head. How could this have gotten here? When he knelt down, he didn't hear the person come up behind him. All he knew was a horrible smell, and then everything went black.
"Dude! This guy's fucking heavy! Help me get his ass on this skateboard so we can get him in the warehouse!" Cartman tugs on Nick's arm. "Fucking hell, dude, this guy's neck is bigger than my leg! Stan, grab a foot!"
"You killed Kenny, you bastard! Lighting farts is one thing, but killing a cop..." Stan slid the skateboard under one of Nick's buttcheeks.
"I'M NOT KILLING A COP, FATASS! I'm gonna hold him hostage, until those asslicking buttmunchers at the lab tell me which one of them is my daddy!" Cartman tied a rope around Nick's skull, and used it to pull him into a storage garage across the way, with Stan and Kyle pushing on his feet.
"He's fucking big, Cartman! What are you gonna do when he wakes up? He's gonna kick your ass, dude!" Kyle closed the door after they got him inside. "You better figure out which one of these guys is your dad, Cartman. Kenny made the ultimate sacrifice, dude."
"This guy won't wake up for a long time. I put one of Mr. Garrison's socks over his nose, dude. He'll be out a while. I brought this clear box thing...we'll put him in that, dude. He won't be able to get out. No way, dude!"
It took a lot of work, swearing and one break for a snack, but the boys managed to get Nick into the clear Plexiglas coffin, and secure it with a lock. By that time, the other CSI investigators had swarmed the scene, their faces grim.
"Why would anyone kidnap Nicky, Gil?" Catherine shook her head, which showed off her hair just right in the light.
"Well, maybe they found out about the two of you." Grissom frowned, wondering if he still had cookie crumbs on his beard.
"What? There is no 'two of you' where Nick and I are concerned. I'm getting boned by Warrick, you idiot!" Catherine snorted in disgust. "Nick's been doing Sara in the back of the lab for months. Some investigator you are."
"No way. I've been doing Sara. Neither one of us crack a smile, through the whole thing. It's perfect." Grissom picks up the Slushie cup in the evidence bag. "Maybe Nicky's doing Greg."
"Slash? Nah. Not Nick's style. But something is definitely wrong here." Catherine walks around.
"What makes you say that, Cath?"
"Here we are, all this time...two women in the CSI lab and neither one of us is sleeping with the best looking guy there? You have to wonder." Catherine sighed, thinking of Nick...worrying...wondering just exactly how big his...
"Catherine...for God's sake! It's CBS! Celibacy By Script! You act like this is goddamn Fox or ABC! No one gets to screw each other here. Look at JAG. Now if we were on ABC at ten..." Gil sighed.
"Denny Crane."
"Word." Grissom takes Catherine's arm, and leads her to the truck. There's nothing more they can do there. They need to go back to the lab and fret in shadowy light from the computer.
Catman sets up the video camera, and puts on his ski mask. "Look, dudes! I have this sent on a feed directly to the CSI lab! I'll torture this guy, until one of them confesses to being my daddy!"
"Where's our masks, dude?" Kyle looks in the bag, which only has Cheesy Poofs and donuts.
"I didn't bring you any!"
"Fuck you, Cartman! We're not hanging around here so we can be on TV and get busted for kidnapping a cop! You're crazy! We're going to Circus Circus, dude! You're on your own." Kyle and Stan stormed out, slamming the door.
"Fine...fine, fuck you guys! I don't need your help, you pussies!" Cartman started rolling the video, which took over all of the computers and monitors at the CSI lab. "Attention all CSI dudes...no, not you Miami guys, cuz you suck. Not you New York ones, either...you're this close to being cancelled. Just the Vegas guys. And don't be listening in, Jimmy Caan. You fucking suck, you old fart! I'm in third grade, and I saw that toll booth ambush coming, dude! Now...listen up, CSI. One of the assholes over there is my daddy. I'm gonna torture this guy until one of you confesses."
Warrick glared at the screen. All his tough guy instincts made him want to beat this kidnapper to a pulp, but since it wasn't his episode to angst in, he was stuck emoting about his friend who was being kept in a box. This sucked. "There has to be some clue. Something right under our noses."
"You mean besides Gil's goatee? Not much. The feed is being routed through 18 countries, including Aruba. And you know those bastards can't find anything. Poor Nick...he looks like he's in pain." Sara frowned, watching as Nick stirred, regaining conciousness, beating on the lid of the box.
"Come on, Nicky, find the way to trip the trigger, man. You can get out of this." Warrick rooted for his friend.
Stokes looked all around. Outside the box was just one fat kid, a camera, a TV, a stereo and an empty storage room. "Why are you doing this to me? Who are you? WHO BUZZCUT MY HAIR!"
"Shutup, dude! Get ready to be tortured! I put a loaded gun in there with you. If it's too much for you, you can kill yourself, dude. Okay, now first...oh, I know." Cartman turned on the TV, and "Commander in Chief" came on. "Take that, dude! Watch that!"
"Noooooo!" Nick flailed back and forth, grimacing in pain. The rest of the CSI crew watched in horror, with Sanders munching a sandwich.
"Confess! Confess! One of you is my daddy! Confess!" Cartman pointed at the screen.
"It isn't meeeeeeee! I swear it! Everytime I sleep with someone, they wind up dead!" Nick looks at the masked kid, pleading.
"Bullshit, dude. You have to know...one of them is my father. Now, now I'm getting ugly." Cartman turned on the stereo, and Celine Dion's Christmas album played at full volume.
"My god..." Grissom breathed in horror. Catherine turned away from the screen, unable to watch the terror on Nick's face. Jim Brass slammed his fist on the table. "There has to be something, a clue, anything to tell us where he is! It's like he's right under our noses, and we can't find him."
Sara stares. "Maybe that sign...there...on the wall. The one that says 'Desert Lock and Storage Center - Get your first month free'. Maybe that..."
Grissom shakes his head. "No...we have to look deeper. There must be something tiny, obscure, minute...something that will make me look incredibly cool..."
"Tiny...obscure? Are we going to talk about last night?" Sara raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly a horrified scream came from Nick, and they all turned to see Cartman with his pants down, sitting on the clear coffin, farting up and down the length of the Plexiglas box. Nick picks up the gun, and holds it to his head, tears running down his cheeks.
"WE FOUND HIM! We tracked a satellite feed that showed us a type of cockroach that only lives in storage units in North Las Vegas! Let's roll!" Brass and the rest of the team ran out, getting into their vehicles and driving fast. "Hang on, Nicky! We're coming!"
When they got there, Nick was out of the box, and sitting up, eating Cheesy Poofs and watching "Grey's Anatomy". The CSI team burst in, breaking down the door. Nick looked up, orange cheese crap around his face.
"NICK! What happened? How did you get free?" Grissom came over and hugged his friend, his hand lingering on his ass cheeks. Mmmm. Firm.
"I just told him none of us could be his father, and sent him to some more likely candidates." Nick shrugged.
"Who? Who did you send him to?" Sara asked.
"Oh...those Law and Order guys. They needed some shaking up." Nick grinned. Catherine and Sara quivered in the glow of his smile. Sanders did, too. "But that kid...he did me a big favor. He gave me a new direction, new inspiration."
The rest of the gang turned and left, except for Gil, who was still feeling Nick up. "What was that...that favor? I can't believe some psycho kid could give you good advice."
Nick just smiled. They'd see...soon. Looking at his upper lip in the mirror, days later, he smiles. That kid tortured him, kidnapped him and caused him two hours of angst, including commercials. But a mustache would give him a lifetime of being cool.
Yeah...cool.
Eric Cartman
Misc. Comics
Southpark
On the ground, surrounded by white chalk, was an orange shape. The little boy was burnt. Nick Stokes shook his head. It was the cases with kids as the victims that got to him the most. Snapping pictures, he shrugged and surveyed the crime scene. On the ground was a book of matches. Stokes snapped on a pair of latex gloves, and picked them up by the edges. Southpark Minimart. That might be important. About fifty feet away was a red Super Slushie cup, in an evidence bag, on the edge of the curb. Stokes looked around the deserted parking lot. The only other person he could see was the security guard, throwing up behind the building. Advancing slowly, he tilted his head. How could this have gotten here? When he knelt down, he didn't hear the person come up behind him. All he knew was a horrible smell, and then everything went black.
"Dude! This guy's fucking heavy! Help me get his ass on this skateboard so we can get him in the warehouse!" Cartman tugs on Nick's arm. "Fucking hell, dude, this guy's neck is bigger than my leg! Stan, grab a foot!"
"You killed Kenny, you bastard! Lighting farts is one thing, but killing a cop..." Stan slid the skateboard under one of Nick's buttcheeks.
"I'M NOT KILLING A COP, FATASS! I'm gonna hold him hostage, until those asslicking buttmunchers at the lab tell me which one of them is my daddy!" Cartman tied a rope around Nick's skull, and used it to pull him into a storage garage across the way, with Stan and Kyle pushing on his feet.
"He's fucking big, Cartman! What are you gonna do when he wakes up? He's gonna kick your ass, dude!" Kyle closed the door after they got him inside. "You better figure out which one of these guys is your dad, Cartman. Kenny made the ultimate sacrifice, dude."
"This guy won't wake up for a long time. I put one of Mr. Garrison's socks over his nose, dude. He'll be out a while. I brought this clear box thing...we'll put him in that, dude. He won't be able to get out. No way, dude!"
It took a lot of work, swearing and one break for a snack, but the boys managed to get Nick into the clear Plexiglas coffin, and secure it with a lock. By that time, the other CSI investigators had swarmed the scene, their faces grim.
"Why would anyone kidnap Nicky, Gil?" Catherine shook her head, which showed off her hair just right in the light.
"Well, maybe they found out about the two of you." Grissom frowned, wondering if he still had cookie crumbs on his beard.
"What? There is no 'two of you' where Nick and I are concerned. I'm getting boned by Warrick, you idiot!" Catherine snorted in disgust. "Nick's been doing Sara in the back of the lab for months. Some investigator you are."
"No way. I've been doing Sara. Neither one of us crack a smile, through the whole thing. It's perfect." Grissom picks up the Slushie cup in the evidence bag. "Maybe Nicky's doing Greg."
"Slash? Nah. Not Nick's style. But something is definitely wrong here." Catherine walks around.
"What makes you say that, Cath?"
"Here we are, all this time...two women in the CSI lab and neither one of us is sleeping with the best looking guy there? You have to wonder." Catherine sighed, thinking of Nick...worrying...wondering just exactly how big his...
"Catherine...for God's sake! It's CBS! Celibacy By Script! You act like this is goddamn Fox or ABC! No one gets to screw each other here. Look at JAG. Now if we were on ABC at ten..." Gil sighed.
"Denny Crane."
"Word." Grissom takes Catherine's arm, and leads her to the truck. There's nothing more they can do there. They need to go back to the lab and fret in shadowy light from the computer.
Catman sets up the video camera, and puts on his ski mask. "Look, dudes! I have this sent on a feed directly to the CSI lab! I'll torture this guy, until one of them confesses to being my daddy!"
"Where's our masks, dude?" Kyle looks in the bag, which only has Cheesy Poofs and donuts.
"I didn't bring you any!"
"Fuck you, Cartman! We're not hanging around here so we can be on TV and get busted for kidnapping a cop! You're crazy! We're going to Circus Circus, dude! You're on your own." Kyle and Stan stormed out, slamming the door.
"Fine...fine, fuck you guys! I don't need your help, you pussies!" Cartman started rolling the video, which took over all of the computers and monitors at the CSI lab. "Attention all CSI dudes...no, not you Miami guys, cuz you suck. Not you New York ones, either...you're this close to being cancelled. Just the Vegas guys. And don't be listening in, Jimmy Caan. You fucking suck, you old fart! I'm in third grade, and I saw that toll booth ambush coming, dude! Now...listen up, CSI. One of the assholes over there is my daddy. I'm gonna torture this guy until one of you confesses."
Warrick glared at the screen. All his tough guy instincts made him want to beat this kidnapper to a pulp, but since it wasn't his episode to angst in, he was stuck emoting about his friend who was being kept in a box. This sucked. "There has to be some clue. Something right under our noses."
"You mean besides Gil's goatee? Not much. The feed is being routed through 18 countries, including Aruba. And you know those bastards can't find anything. Poor Nick...he looks like he's in pain." Sara frowned, watching as Nick stirred, regaining conciousness, beating on the lid of the box.
"Come on, Nicky, find the way to trip the trigger, man. You can get out of this." Warrick rooted for his friend.
Stokes looked all around. Outside the box was just one fat kid, a camera, a TV, a stereo and an empty storage room. "Why are you doing this to me? Who are you? WHO BUZZCUT MY HAIR!"
"Shutup, dude! Get ready to be tortured! I put a loaded gun in there with you. If it's too much for you, you can kill yourself, dude. Okay, now first...oh, I know." Cartman turned on the TV, and "Commander in Chief" came on. "Take that, dude! Watch that!"
"Noooooo!" Nick flailed back and forth, grimacing in pain. The rest of the CSI crew watched in horror, with Sanders munching a sandwich.
"Confess! Confess! One of you is my daddy! Confess!" Cartman pointed at the screen.
"It isn't meeeeeeee! I swear it! Everytime I sleep with someone, they wind up dead!" Nick looks at the masked kid, pleading.
"Bullshit, dude. You have to know...one of them is my father. Now, now I'm getting ugly." Cartman turned on the stereo, and Celine Dion's Christmas album played at full volume.
"My god..." Grissom breathed in horror. Catherine turned away from the screen, unable to watch the terror on Nick's face. Jim Brass slammed his fist on the table. "There has to be something, a clue, anything to tell us where he is! It's like he's right under our noses, and we can't find him."
Sara stares. "Maybe that sign...there...on the wall. The one that says 'Desert Lock and Storage Center - Get your first month free'. Maybe that..."
Grissom shakes his head. "No...we have to look deeper. There must be something tiny, obscure, minute...something that will make me look incredibly cool..."
"Tiny...obscure? Are we going to talk about last night?" Sara raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly a horrified scream came from Nick, and they all turned to see Cartman with his pants down, sitting on the clear coffin, farting up and down the length of the Plexiglas box. Nick picks up the gun, and holds it to his head, tears running down his cheeks.
"WE FOUND HIM! We tracked a satellite feed that showed us a type of cockroach that only lives in storage units in North Las Vegas! Let's roll!" Brass and the rest of the team ran out, getting into their vehicles and driving fast. "Hang on, Nicky! We're coming!"
When they got there, Nick was out of the box, and sitting up, eating Cheesy Poofs and watching "Grey's Anatomy". The CSI team burst in, breaking down the door. Nick looked up, orange cheese crap around his face.
"NICK! What happened? How did you get free?" Grissom came over and hugged his friend, his hand lingering on his ass cheeks. Mmmm. Firm.
"I just told him none of us could be his father, and sent him to some more likely candidates." Nick shrugged.
"Who? Who did you send him to?" Sara asked.
"Oh...those Law and Order guys. They needed some shaking up." Nick grinned. Catherine and Sara quivered in the glow of his smile. Sanders did, too. "But that kid...he did me a big favor. He gave me a new direction, new inspiration."
The rest of the gang turned and left, except for Gil, who was still feeling Nick up. "What was that...that favor? I can't believe some psycho kid could give you good advice."
Nick just smiled. They'd see...soon. Looking at his upper lip in the mirror, days later, he smiles. That kid tortured him, kidnapped him and caused him two hours of angst, including commercials. But a mustache would give him a lifetime of being cool.
Yeah...cool.
Eric Cartman
Misc. Comics
Southpark